For my Daddy, for my love (Poetry)

When the world

is chaffing hard and cold,

I will yield

to your wisdom, will and touch

When you feel

used and objectified

my love and respect

will blanket you

When you are empty

my heart will fill you

from the fountain that

flows within it for you

When you are weary

I will minister to you
hands kneading the ache
from your body,
our bodies transporting us
on the waves of energy
that we create

I will be your
little girl
when you need
to be silly and free

I will be
your woman
when you need
my maturity

I will bend
to your desires and will
without breaking
and give my
strength and flexibility
to fortify us

I love you.

~June~ 3-09-12

How Ward became Daddy

Ward and I had been talking for several months. It was after the deployment I spoke of in the last post. And honestly we were still 'friends' (who talked several hours every day...yeah, yeah, I'm a lil slow) and before we were Ward and June.

We had actually talked about littles. A friend had told me that I had a little, that she saw it. And I immediately rejected that concept. To me that was like a mark of mental illness, I immediately thought DID (dissociative identity disorder). Ward and I talked about it, and he assured me that he didn't see anything alarming in who I was, and did see some childlike qualities. I talked to my therapist about it, and called it my little piece of arrested development. She said she thought it was just a very vulnerable piece of me that I had never trusted anyone with. Well that felt better.

I had talked to Ward about it and he said that seemed a logical conclusion, especially in light of my childhood. So I started researching littles. And It seemed at first that it was all about ageplay and incest play, and that was a big no-no with my childhood. Ward and I talked about that, too. He agreed that he was not interested in ageplay. And it just kind of settled. I still researched, like I do with many things I need to understand. But neither of us considered it a factor in our .... friendship.

One night, we were talking and I had had a particularly stressful day, and he said something very comforting and Ward-like. And I started crying. Ward said, "If I were with you right now, this is where I would take you in my arms, kiss away your tears, calm your heart, tuck you into bed and tell you a fairy tale, especially for you." And even though  he was not there in that exact moment, I felt cradled, and comforted, and I said, without a thought, "Kinda story, Daddy? With princesses and magick?" And he said, "Yes, love, with a very special little princess, and magick and faeries. Hush now and listen."

And he wove me the most wondrous story, off the top of his head, that lulled me, soothed me and gave me the most delicious brain tickles. It wasn't strange, and it wasn't icky, and it felt extraordinarily good. It was organic, and kind of symbolic of our relationship, very amoebic, we stretch to encompass, consume and satisfy the needs of the other.

He says that I awoke a part of him that he thought was gone forever. And with him I can be that which I have never been able to be, small, vulnerable, trusting and unbetrayed and totally genuine.

And now I'm crying.... I love you, Daddy, and I miss you so.

The story of how we met

Conina asked how Ward and I met. And I have given dribs and drabs of the story, but not the whole story. So, here we go, and I guess I should start with how I got to there.

First of all, as I said in a previous, yes, folks, I am a spanko. And yes, you can be a spanko in a DD relationship. I have been intrigued with spanking since I was five. I think because there never was, there was no consistency, no discipline, no one or nothing dependable. It was all dependent on the womb donors moods. and  there were no spankings, there were closed fisted beatings, being kicked, driven into corners.

I have always deferred in each of my three previous relationships. My partners had no idea what to do with that. They were more domineering than dominant, though at that point I had no idea I was looking for a dominant. After my ex left I decided that I would try and find someone who would be interested in a spanking kind of relationship, someone who would provide structure and someone who would lead. I have no idea at the time of DD, and no idea where to look.

I did searches of spanking dating sites and started to learn the language, then started looking at DD dating sites, and found mostly meat markets. "Oh hi, I'll be through your town next week, wanna get get together and I'll spank you?" Ummmm, no thanks. Even worse, "I'll spank you if you spank me." Ummmmm, double no thanks - I'm the spankee, not the spanker, thanks very much. And let's not even talk about collarme, which a friend referred me to.

  

One of the jobs I freelance we evaluate websites. And I tripped across Fetlife. Well it was interesting, so I bookmarked it and came back to look at it. I liked what I saw. Not a meat market, but a place that seemed to have friendlier kind of people, and ways to learn about a variety of subjects. Well I decided after reading that - hey - I was a submissive. I read and researched from a variety of places. Yup-yup - that's me. I met and played with a couple of sadists. Scratched the itch to a certain extent, but I wanted more, needed more. I craved not just sensation play, but discipline and control as well, not just in play, but in my life.



I am the kind of person, who if I get good service, I call the store and tell the manager. Or stop on the way out and tell a manager that a particular employee gave exceptional service. Or call the restaurant we got take out from to tell them the food was awesome. I do it because everyone complains and not many people express gratitude. It is taken for granted.

So here I am on FetLife. One of my friends liked a writing. So I went to read it. It was Ward's Healthy Pain. It was beautiful. This man understood how I felt, that was amazing. It was more spiritual for him than the other dominants I had encountered. So I wrote to him to tell him that I liked it and it affected me. I expected nothing, and thought he had a girl, because of the poem. So the conversation went like this:

June:   
Your writings are quite exquisite and speak with incredible maturity. Your girl is very lucky.
Respectfully, June

Ward:   
Smiles,

Thank you for reading! Writing is a very fundamental part of my life, I think it hones my intellect and centers me in the midst of my stressful life. One day I hope to find someone worthy to share the kind of life depicted with...until then I keep writing!

Thanks Again!

June:    
I know what you mean. In another life, when I didn't have 2 kids and 3 jobs, I used to write as well. One of mine echoes your sentiment about the need to write. (I shared the poem w/him)

Ward:  
Thank you so much for sharing, I found this quite vibrant, I very much felt it! It was an honor chatting with you.

June:    
Thank you very much. It was an honor chatting with you as well :)

Ward:    
May I have the honor of calling you friend?

June:    
Yes, you may, that would be quite lovely. Thank you :)

He was quite different from anyone I had ever known. He possessed all the qualities I sought. But I thought there was no way that this beautiful person could love perfectly imperfect just me. But love me he did. 

From that first exchange, we were in contact every day. When he was deployed shortly after that I continued to email him, knowing he was gone, because I wanted him to know that someone was thinking about him while he was gone. The night he came back, he called. 

I found that he called to me profoundly. I have never responded to another person as I respond to him. Yielding to him is easy, and gives me immense pleasure. For his part he says that he has never met someone as submissive as I am. It's a lovely symbiosis. It has been completely natural, completely easy, completely organic. Everyone who knows us, even the ones that don't know we are a DD couple, remark that we are completely made for each other, and how we shine. Our friends who have known us from before we were Ward and June say they have never seen us as happy as we are together.

So that's the story of how we came together.

Sometimes it's hard

...to be who we are, and not be with the person that we love. How in the world do you take up a burden that crushed your spirit before? How do you walk the world alone for periods of time? My God it's hard. It's not that the person has abandoned you, though in all honesty it does feel like it sometimes. As as you may have seen Stormy and I discuss on her blog, sometimes you get angry because you have decided to let this person lead, and then they are not there and the loneliness can be crushing.

Stormy asked me how I dealt with being award from my Ward. And I didn't really know how to answer that, because I don't always feel like I am as successful as I hoped to be. But there are things I do, to keep me sane. I carry a pad around with me, and I write, all the little details of our day. It helps us, the boys and I, to keep him present. We celebrated his birthday, went out to dinner, had a cake with his name on it, the boys blew out the candles. We took pictures to send. As much as it helps us to keep him present in our lives, I imagine it helps him to know that he is important enough to us that we do it, and he doesn't miss any little thing. I want him to know everything (yes, even if I am not shown in the very best light...yes, if I feel widgy or whiny, I tell him, he'll deal with it when he gets back - that's a relief for me, and perhaps for him, too... yes even when I break a rule - he's not here, but he's still my authority, and I owe him my honesty above all else.)



Know that his schedule underway is arduous. He doesn't work the same hours any two days. He has about 5 hours during which he can sleep, read, write, whatever he likes. So the letters from him are not as prodigious as they are from here. But I take those letters and I read them over and over, ever day. They carry his magic. They strengthen his presence in my mind. I always feel him. Sometimes my own emotions may threaten to drown him out. But those letters, they ground me, just like he does. I did a stupid thing, and I don't know why. I thought, maybe - and I acknowledge that I think too much sometimes - that if I read them too much they'd lose their magic. And I stopped reading them daily. And I started spinning like a crazy little battling top, bashing myself up against the walls of my own insecurities. When I gave in and read again, it was like slipping into a lovely, warm, comfortable embrace. The magic doesn't go away, it just gets stronger. So to Stormy, maybe ask Ogre to write a line or two when he can, or even an email (that's a luxury Ward doesn't have, unfortunately). And read them, they help.

But maybe the most important thing I do is remember why I love this man. And we have had this discussion. "What if I left the Navy, would you think less of me?" -  "How could I possibly think less of you, love? You are a good and honorable man. That won't change if you take off that uniform. You make that uniform mean something. It lends nothing to you. You lend it, and the Navy that it represents, your nobility, your strength, you honor, your character. But could you be happy? This was a choice you made, and I wouldn't have you change it for me." -  "I made the choice years ago, when I was a different man, when I was a single man and now I have a family to consider."

He is upright and strong. He is committed and honorable. I can't begrudge the thing that takes him away from me, because it is part of who he is, and part of what has formed him. It fulfills a purpose for him - to be of service to a country that he holds dear. It has refined his skills as a leader. It has afforded him an opportunity to practice his compassion and his fairness. And countless people have benefited from knowing him. The ripples of his goodness spread to the far corners of the earth.

Before me and the boys he may have had different reasons for doing what he did. Now what he does is a means to an end, of building a structure of a secure life for us. He doesn't do it because he wants to be away from us. He does it because he has a commitment. He does it because it will give us firm footing.

So, Stormy, I would say there are things you can do, like the letters, and things that keep him present - it does take work, it's worth it to feel him. And then examine those posts you make about what kind of man he is, why you love him, and how deep that love goes. And ask yourself, does he do this to be away? Or does he do it to provide things for you and your family? Does he do this to build a strong foundation for you? Ask yourself if maybe the distance is as hard for him as it is for you? Does he suffer insecurities that maybe he doesn't share? Read those things written about how very much you love him and ask if that good strong man wants - deserves - to come home to distance, or to a woman who adores him and relishes the time together, so that he can fall into his safe place to land.



I am trying hard to remember those things. I'm trying hard not to let that anger take root. When Ward walks off that boat, I want him to see my smile, I want him to see my love radiating out of that place like a homing beacon. I want him to know that I have felt him and his leadership and the structure of our lives, even in his physical absence. It's not an easy thing that we do. But if we do it well - well that's just one more reason to love us, one more reason to cherish us. I think, perhaps, that could just make us extraordinary.

Insecurity

I have talked about my insecurities before. I honestly think I have overcome them with Daddy. I don't have the constant fear that he will realize that I am perfectly imperfect just me, and why is he settling for that? He loves me. He sees things in me that I can't conceive of, but he assures me that he will show me. I trust him. He will, and as in all things, because he has my complete trust, I will follow him, and learn what he has to teach.

In this surprise letter, that warmed me and delighted me and gave me immeasurable joy, Daddy said that he's insecure sometimes, too. He said that his career had cost him relationships in the past. And I told him that I wasn't going anywhere. And I thought, because it is easier to put it in writing and to examine it sometimes, I would do it here. I've been sending him the posts in his letters. So this is a love letter to Daddy.....with witnesses.

****************

I walked alone for many years. I ached to be complete. I ached for the person who would see me, really see me and love me just as I am - perfectly imperfect just me. I ached for the person who would call that part of me that only responds when trust is complete. I ached for the person who would accept and treasure my service. I ached for the person that could fill me, and let me fill them, for the person who would let me pour myself out on them, and who would in return pour themselves out on me, leaving me not depleted, but bursting and joyous. After many years, and many false steps, I gave up. This person could surely not exist. 

Against all odds, I heard a voice. And that voice touched places in me. And I thanked the voice for it's gift, expecting nothing in return. From behind the voice, stepped a gallant gentleman who extended his hand and tipped his hat. He shone brightly, amazed me time and time again with beauty, deep and absolutely genuine, with wisdom well beyond his years. And I thought, someday, some girl will be very lucky, because surely someone like that could not be meant for me.

And as time passed, we found that we filled the empty places, and slowly we let each other in, and let trust take root. Small tentative steps, we'd both been hurt. This most beautiful relationship flourished in the arid climate of my heart. And your love made my heart fertile.

I never realized that you - beautiful you - were insecure - would be afraid of losing perfectly imperfect just me. But I will tell you - with our fine audience as witnesses...

I love you more than I have ever loved another person in my life. I am amazed, honored, and humbled that you love me as deep as you do. I have waited my entire existence for someone who shines as brightly as you do, for someone who calls to my truest self, for someone who loves me pure and strong and true, yang to my yin. 

You, my love, are everything I have ever dreamed of, hoped for, and more. I have waited all my life. And now that I have this great thing that most people only dream of I will always treasure and nurture it. It may be hard, all the waiting. But you are worth every second.And I will wait as long as I need for you. Because I am not complete without you. I love you with every fiber of my being, and no time or distance will ever be burden enough to quench my love and desire for you. I am  here for the distance. I am honored to be your woman and your little girl. And I am thrilled and honored to call you my man - my Daddy- my world.

I love you

I am a bundle of need

I need my Ward.
I need to be in his arms.
I need his scent.

I need his lips pressed to my forehead.   
I need his strength.
I need his smile.
I need the twinkle in his eye.
I need the 'I love you'.
I need the 'I'm proud of you'.
I need the flare of light that surrounds us.
I need to feel his control.
I need to to stand before him, to express my submission in ways that he finds pleasing.
I need to feel his eyes roaming across my body.
I need that breathless anticipation.
I need his hands on me.
And yes, ladies and gentleman, I am a spanko. I need to be across his lap.
 I need the good girls. (the correction, not so much, but hey, that's part of this life if earned).

I need his discipline. I need his firm and gentle hands to push the worry, frustration and hideous longing from my body. I need to feel his energy, his presence, sliding my pants to the floor, the pounding of my heart in my chest. I need his fingers to tilt my eyes to his. I need to see the warmth and love radiating from this being that I love with all that I am, and that I cannot believe that I have been blessed enough to deserve in my life. I need his voice, thick and sweet like honey soothing the deepest parts of my soul, "You need this, my love." I need his lips pressed to my forehead. I need the grace that comes only from bending to his will, in submitting all of who I am to this good man. I need his hands to guide me across his lap. I need his hands caressing, wordlessly speaking love and care. I need to feel him lean across my body to plant a kiss on my hip, my back, my shoulder, my neck, then a whisper, "This is not a punishment, but it will be firm, because that is what you need, and because I love you."

I need to feel his hands fervently, reverently tending to my needs, to his own needs, feeding us, filling us. I need the heat that he brings. I need the explosion of trust in my chest that I can lay my body, heart and soul bare to this man, and that he will raise me up and heal that which diminishes me. I need the pain that he gifts me to wash the hurt and the loneliness from my heart. I need to lose myself in him. I need him to open the gates that allow me to wash my burdens away on cleansing tears. Because he loves me enough to burnish me, to polish me, to turn me into something beautiful. Because he is my world, he is my heart and my soul and without him, I am incomplete.

      I need my Ward.

Waking Up Hard (Erotica)

It's 3am and I'm wide awake.
The sweet, soft echo of your voice
still rings through my head
even though I put down the receiver
and hit the "End" button hours ago.

The sweet softness of your voice
at the end of the day
transports me to a different place and time,
and in your arms
I find the sweet comfort that you gift to me.

Your submission is like
a succulent, ripe peach on a hot day...
the juice makes my fingers sticky
and my tongue yet longs
for more than a mere taste.

Beneath my hand
you blossom and flourish,
glow and sparkle
amongst the dull pallor of day to day life....

I turn in the darkness,
moaning and groping
for your beautiful, soft curves,
absent them I find succor in knowing
that soon we will bring each other
to the edge of the universe and back
in a passionate explosion
that will make the walls tremble and resound.

for now....
I woke up hard,
sleek and long and ready for you,
pulsating with life and energy
dying to spend deep within your loving warmth.

I can feel the softness of your skin,
I hear the soft noises
of passion's embrace slide from your lips
and it drives me to more.

Your breasts
are round and sweet,
your hips and thighs
as sweet as pomegranate.
You are as sweet as honey
under my tongue
and from one passion to the next..
I fill you

And in this moment
we are perfect and free.
Thrusting...
biting...
scratching....
claiming...
release.

We tumble head over feet,
dancing among the stars
in a sweet conflagration of total unity
and in that moment we become one.
My heart pounds against my chest,
my hands tremble
and when I uncurl I realize...

That it's 3am
and I'm wide awake,
rock hard and waiting
for the sweet soft echo of your voice...
I'm returned
and the magic that takes me has gone

I smile with the knowledge of our love
and I grow...

Ward ~ 3-2012