Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Privileges




I have been struggling with this post for a while. Then today we had a moment, Daddy and I. It's actually been an ongoing moment. You see, we have been hoping that things would gel and conditions would be right to let Daddy leave the military early. Well, things have happened, and Daddy injured his ankle. So he is now disallowed from the process that would have allowed him to leave and be with us, without interruption. So this turned from a post I am struggling with, into a submission exercise. I don't know if this will get published

When he came off the sub, he went to a temporary command waiting for orders. We were rather counting on the process resulting on his being released. He accepted orders to the closest support facility. Because of the boys, and the problems they have with adjustment, and the relatively short time till his contract is satisfied, the boys and I will not be going with him. I'm having a hard time with this. I thought we were done with separation forever.

What does that have to do with this post? I get angry. It's very un-June-like. I apologize. I don't know, as I said if this will get published. Right now this is for him. If it does and someone gets butthurt, I apologize in advance. This is June unfiltered. I'm making this for him and I. Oh, right - the post - keep getting off track.

I get angry. I read sometimes and sometimes just walking in the world-  and I see women with the advantage of waking up with their men every single day, with no worries of having him ripped away. I see women who say they want to submit and then fight their mens' leadership. And I get angry.

   

I wonder if they know the impossible odds of finding that one person who fits out of all this vast sea of humanity?  I wonder if they the feel the fit of his puzzle piece against theirs, snugging  the places that were loose and vulnerable and insecure, and making them strong and unified and safe?


I wonder if  they realize that they have a privilege? A privilege to wake up in the night and feel his heat at their back, to hear his snore. To walk back in from the bathroom and see the lump of his form under the covers and hopefully feel that swell of love burst in their chest, as they race across the floor to curl up against him in the dark. I wonder if they know what a privilege it is to reach a hand absently beside them and have the security of brushing his?

I wonder if they realize the privilege of making dinner for their family, and setting a place at the head of the table, of not having to gaze at that empty space and feel their heart break and stuff it down so the children do not see?





I wonder if they realize that, in most cases they brought DD to the table, asked him to lead. And if they cherish that he takes that responsibility seriously? I wonder if they consider their art, their acquiescence, rather than that knee-jerk contention? I wonder if they know how tenuous all of life is?





         

I wonder if they realize that they have the privilege of having that man next to them in this moment, and how many women do not have that luxury? I wonder if they understand how many women live in fear of that distance, of that separation? It's a simple thing. It's something no woman - no couple -  who loves so deeply and so genuinely should ever have endure. And I get angry.

I am selfish. I want that privilege of lack of fear. I am selfish. I admit it. I am flawed. I own that. I want my man right next to me. I want his voice and his guidance, and his love, every moment of every single day. I want the absence of fear. I want the privilege of bowing to him, I want the privilege of submitting to him, every moment of every day. I want the privilege of feeling myself under his hand. I want it. I crave it. I need it. No amount of being his will ever be enough.


And I wonder, do you know how lucky you are? Are you aware of the privileges you have?
           

 



HIS POV:    
It is a privilege to wake up every morning to lead our family and to see your heart ache so, June, it makes my eyes mist and water.. One day the military chapter of our life will be over and new challenges and blessings await us. Indeed it is a hard thing to watch others struggle so with the blessings that we lack and in the wake of these emotions anger is a very natural and normal reaction.

This post is a post about pure honesty and without putting names to it, we'd like to say that the emotions so rawly and obviously displayed here are not directed towards any one person or persons, it is not our intent to cause hard feelings but  we do readily wish to convey how we feel.

Sometimes it is hard dealing with these things, the desire for assurance and family are desires I have held since entering the military over a decade ago.. Still, I do these things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard and one day, someday I hope that our children can see that even when it was difficult, even when it was heartbreaking that I did my duty like an honorable man... Giving way to sacrifice, I love my family and  though I grind my teeth I can understand how you feel, I love you and thank you for your support even when the night was blackest and day was longest... I thank you for being who you are and for contributing heavily to who we are... thank you, my love.

48 comments:

  1. I think this was a wonderful post. I think the emotions expressed in it were real and honest. I am one of the lucky women who has her husband home every night and I still struggle when he is absent. I don't know how you and other wives who don't see their husband every day manage it. Just days when Bucko will be working late make me miss him. I admire your strength for being able to hold it together for your children. I hope that you two are able to be together all the time soon.

    Love to you both,
    TL

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    1. Thanks, TL. It's raw, that's for sure, and yes, very real and honest. If he had not required it it likely would never have seen the light of day. I struggled with this for weeks - I had only gotten as far as the title and a handful of words, literally four or five, and the images. I try to be strong, TL, I don't know that I am really successful - I feel like a shell of myself without him.

      Thanks for your kinds wishes.

      (((hugs)))

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  2. Oh June (and Ward), I'm so sorry! :( I can understand this post in my own way, since Michael is away far more than he's home. I'm not trying to compare our situation to yours though.

    I hope your time apart is short, but I also understand that any time apart is hard. I'll continue to keep you both and your family in my prayers. (((((hugs)))))

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    1. Thanks so much, Grace. We can use all the prayers we can get. I keep trying to tell myself - less than a pregnancy, lol - a little bit of suffering and then a great big payoff.

      It's different, and it's the same - it's missing the ones we love.

      (((hugs)))

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  3. {{june}} i am so sorry. my heart breaks for you, because i cannot imagine not having my professor home with me every single day. is it a privilege i take for granted? ABSOLUTELY! i never even thought about it before, because my life is just as it is.

    there will come a time when you have {{ward}} home with you just like the rest of us, and we will cheer for that day! think on the good days when he's home, cherish those moments, and the end will come faster. i know it.

    warmly,
    m.

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    1. Thanks for your very sweet words, maryanne. I do cherish them, every moment it's own jewel, tucked away and treasured.

      I pray for that day, not only for myself, but for every woman who lives this same fear.

      (((hugs)))

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  4. June,

    I would sit beside you... Let's not talk if you don't want to. I'll just be there. Even with The Man gone a month and home a month, I at least know when he is coming home. He was in the Navy as well. I offer my friendship and support when it's lonely. Some just don't understand sleeping in their shirt just to catch their scent... I pray the time apart is short..

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    1. Sometimes there's nothing to say, and sometimes to speak is to open floodgates. The company? I value that more than you know. And I am grateful for the friends here. You helped me through before, and I'm grateful for your generosity of heart.

      I hope it's short, too.

      (((hugs)))

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  5. My dragon has been out of the military less than a year. Believe me when I say l understand. Retirement didn't end the stress or heart ache. It just changed to a different set of worries.

    Thank you for what you do. Because a younger generation is stepping up, we can step down and begin to heal.

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    1. That's the saddest thing, isn't it, Rose. He's changed, I know that. I still love him... maybe even more. There is always another stress, another heartache, they're just easier to bear with his hand in mine.

      I don't do anything special - I just love him, and give him a soft place to land.

      (((hugs)))

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    2. June, that is all we can do. Be there for them and love them. Be the one thing in his life that he knows he can count on. That is so very important.

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    3. I always will be, I've never loved anyone with this ferocity, and I have literally never been loved this way.

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  6. Praying for you both that God will heal wounds and provide comfort, peace, and all that you and your family needs. Thank you Ward for your service, and thank you to both you and your family for what you all sacrifice. -Belle L.

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    1. Thanks very much, Belle. He is my hero. Thanks for the prayers, we're grateful for each and everyone.

      (((hugs)))

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  7. Don't apologize for how you feel. You are one of the bravest women I know. I couldn't handle Master being gone for months at a time. I don't know how you do it. I wish I had that kind of strength. I am thankful to men like Ward and women alike who serve and protect our freedom and country. I hope that soon his stays and service from home will be over.

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    1. Thanks very kindly, Tiffany. It is difficult, I've waited all my life to be who I am at my core. I am more myself with him than without him. I'm hollow when he's gone.

      (((hugs)))

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  8. June,
    What a lucky man to inspire such love. I hope you can be together soon. I won't even complain about Wes's snoring tonight.
    Love Bea

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    1. Thank you, Bea. I am the lucky one, that he would love me, though he would say the same thing. Seems a funny thing to miss, doesn't it? But I wake and hear him snore and it makes me smile :)

      (((hugs)))

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  9. I hear you. I respect your feelings and thoughts and your vulnerability. The relationship you have is one of a kind, a pearl of great price. It is the most honestly authentic and beautiful partnership I have ever observed in any lifestyle. You teach and lead by example.
    Everyone longs for your kind of love. For many of us it will never happen. It doesn't mean we love any weaker, desire any differently, or miss the longed-for connection in a lesser manner. One can deeply love another and still be all alone, unable to connect no matter how badly the desire, prayers, sweat, and labor for the connection. The existential terror of this abandonment is overwhelming, and it never goes away.

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    1. The existential terror of this abandonment is overwhelming, and it never goes away. You do hear me. I searched for him my whole life. To be without him strips my heart and soul.

      It's not that I think it's any weaker, I think that sometimes we let the need to be right supersede the need to properly express our love and respect for our partners. I think sometimes we need to remember their importance to us, and remember to be grateful for their presence, and never let a day go by in which we don't express love, respect, in our lifestyle deference, and our honest need for their heart.

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  10. Oh June and Ward, I am so sorry. We do have times apart but I could not image being separated for the periods of time that you endure. My heart goes out to you. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

    Huge (((Hugs)))
    Roz

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    1. Thanks so much, Roz. Trying very hard to keep in mind it's only 6 more months, then we're done. Thanks for the thoughts and prayers - we can always use those.

      (((hugs)))

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  11. My heart goes out to both of you. I hope its short and you will be together soon. I dont know how it feels and I cant imagine hubby being gone for more than two weeks at a time. His job use to take him all over the east coast, but now hes only one state away. I know my extended family aunts uncles and alot of cousins are in Iraq and Afghanistan right now about 14 family members all together so we send lots of packages thru the year. If you need anything just give me a ring. Sometimes just letting go verbally can go along way. I have found that out thru my sons illness sometimes talking can really help. Hugs

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    1. Hi, Annie. Thanks so much. My thoughts and prayers to your family for their extraordinary service. I think that's why Daddy made it a submission exercise, because he knew I needed to get it out. Having to deal with it with a child? I don't know if I am as strong as you have been.

      (((hugs)))

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  12. Oh, Junebug. Just what you both didn't want to happen. You're grieving for his physical distance and anger is totally normal. That doesn't help. I know. But it's normal and you have a right to those feelings. Don't feel bad about having them. I am so sorry. Hugs to you both. Hugs to your kids. We're here to support you!!

    ((((((((((Hugs))))))))))
    Fiona

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    1. Thanks, fiona. Yes, exactly what we were hoping and praying not to happen. It doesn't feel good to have them, he's right better out than in. That is one well of emotion I will be glad to cover over for good. Thanks so much for your friendship and support, it means more than you could imagine.

      (((((hugs)))))

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  13. I know some may feel that I don't have a right to share in this sentiment, seeing as how I'm an outside party to BIKSS's married life. But I do. And I just wanted to say that. I look at my friends and see how they take their husbands for granted, and I want to scream. That there they are with the man who adores them right beside them every night, and they're aching to escape and quick to put down, when I long for the day when, IF, I can finally be with BIKSS full time.

    *hugs* I feel your ache. and i'm sorry. and I hope this passes quickly.

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    1. Thanks so much, Fondles. No sweetie, you share in the feelings, why would you not have the right to share the sentiment? It does hurt when you have the desire to give that part of your self, and he is not there. And then watching others take their mates for granted is frustrating.

      I hope that you get a chance at your forever.

      (((hugs)))

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  14. Oh honey, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I understand you, I too hate it when hubs isn't there. I can't sleep if he's not laid next to me.
    What you and ward have is so special, I wish you a short separation time and that he receives his leave soon.
    Chin up honey, think of the lovely reunion you both will have x

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    1. Thanks so much, Missy. I hate even trying to sleep without him. When he's gone I might average 3 hours a night total. He is essential to me, like air or water. I may never let him go, Missy. He'll be that tall handsome fella with the woman permanently attached like a marsupial to his chest, lol.

      (((hugs)))

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  15. Great, big hugs to you June. I though this was just beautiful and inspiring too:) Thinking of you both.

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    1. Thanks so much, Tess. It was certainly raw and me at my most unfiltered. Thanks for the hugs, definitely never get enough of those :)

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  16. Oh June! (((((((hugs))))))
    I'm so sorry sweetheart. And I know that while I can't commiserate, I can see your point. We should all take heed.

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    1. LM, thanks so much. I appreciate the friendship and the fellowship more than you can imagine. I think it's important that we value and respect our partners and I think we need to express it every single day.

      (((hugs)))

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  17. June and Ward,
    I am so sorry that your are experiencing this pain, hurt, and anger in anticipation of Ward's being away in service. I appreciate you sharing your pain with us and I will lift your family up in prayer. I will pray that your anger and fear are lessened as they are certainly heavy burdens to bear. Thank you for the reminder that we should not take each other for granted, but I worry that you are directing your anger at those that have their own burdens to carry and may envy blessings that you have as well.
    I am reminded of a poem by Ella Wheeler Wilcox "It is easy to tell the toiler/How best he can carry his pack/But no one can rate a burden's weight/Until it has been on his back."
    I certainly have no experience to help you in your burden and do not know what it feels like to have my husband leave to serve. So I will not try to tell you how to carry it, but God has given you the gifts to bear it. I hope you can forgive this gentle admonition to remember that we all have our own heavy burdens to carry. (Galatians 6:4-5)
    You will perservere and be blessed for it.
    Bea

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    1. Hi Bea, nothing to forgive sweetie. I understand that those feelings are not the best of me. I fully own that. But I am weak, I'm only human. And yes, I envy that some women don't have to say goodbye. The point really under it is when you are blessed, please, please recognize it, and give thanks in the ways that we can, by holding it with respect and esteem. Show your spouse and your family and your God that you value your gifts enough to lift them up and treat them with reverence. It hurts when you don't have that privilege.

      I did struggle with this post. I feared those feelings would appear convicting. It would have remained unwritten had he not bidden me to write it. At that point it was in his hand. When he said he would publish it I was trepidatious, but that decision is his as my HoH, as my Daddy, as my man.

      I have been all my life abandoned by those who were supposed to love me, Bea 50 years worth. I've only had Daddy, as my very own, for a bit over 2 years. I fear losing him, not by his choosing, I am confident in his love, he proves it he walks the talk, but the places and things he does inherently puts him in danger.

      Yes, we all have heavy burdens. The thing I wonder is if God blesses us with the person to be our mate, to hold our hand to help us though, why do we fight and devalue it? Can I get through? Yes, I've gotten through worse. Will I be whole? Not till his hand is in mine again.

      (((hugs)))

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  18. I understand completely, June. I don't know what it is like to be away from my husband for long periods of time, but I do know how horrible short separations can be when you count every day together as a gift from God. Ian and I are selfish with our time together, we sometimes make excuses with friends and family because we just like our time alone together.
    This is a safe place to let that hurt out, and land in a soft spot. I remember the angst that you felt last fall when you thought Ward was going to be away. I hope and pray that any separation will be over as quickly as possible.

    hugs
    lillie

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    1. Hey, lillie-belle, thanks so much. Daddy and I are selfish, too. We are each other's favorite people :) And our family, that's our favorite group. I am grateful for this community, and so grateful for your friendship, and the soft place to land. The only good thing that ever came out of him being away was this community, when Daddy suggested (yeah, you know how they are, lol)that I investigate a blog for us on his 3rd deployment together.

      Thanks, lillie-belle, we need all the prayers we can get.

      (((hugs)))

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  19. Oh Ward and June…I am so sorry things didn’t work out they way you had hoped. Thank you both for your sacrifice in service of our country! Sending lots of prayers and positive energy your way.

    Juniebug…I very much understand your anger and frustration. We all need to value those we have as we never know when they will not be right there beside us. I’m with Dana sitting on the other side of you. Talk or not…I’m holding your hand.

    Please know that I am here…whatever you need…any time...you have my numbers and if you’ve lost them, email me and I will resend.

    Hugs and Blessings,
    Cat

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    1. Thanks so much, Cat. Yes, it makes me so very sad that you understand what I feel, what I fear so intimately. Let me tell you how much I value your friendship, and your hand in mine. This is not the first time the three of us have sat quietly, hand in hand. I can't imagine better company.

      We're sending prayers your way, as well, for your mom. We hope she is getting better by the moment. And that God lifts your family through this time.

      (((hugs))) and brightest blessings

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  20. June: Love to you, Ward and yours.

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    1. Thanks very much, Bleuame, for your most kind words and your friendship.


      (((hugs)))

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  21. Ah June (and Ward)...I am sorry you are hurting so and that Ward's work has not turned out the way you had hoped. You know how I fall apart when MM is gone for even a week. I cannot quite imagine how it would be. Our struggles and pain come from a different place so in other ways I can understand and I will pray b/c it just plain hurts.

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    1. It does, Susie, it hurts terribly. And it makes me feel like it's wrong to hope sometimes, I know that's convoluted, but I never said I was right (as in the Southern 'right', not as in 'correct', lol). That's the thing, isn't it, it's him that holds me together - he's my heart. I can function, but without him, I'm hollow, and the wind can be cold and unforgiving.

      (((hugs)))

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  22. I am new to your blog and wanted to say hello. You have expressed yourself so beautiful. My heart aches for the both of you and I hope for Ward to return very soon. I can only imagine how hard this must be.

    I wish you the best,
    Kim

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    1. Thanks very much for your most kind words, Kim, and welcome :) Thank you, this was a challenge for me. Once he kicked the cork lose, it poured out so quickly and so intensely that it stunned me. Thank you, I hope he's home for good soon, too.

      (((hugs)))

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  23. *hugs*

    Oh June, I know your ache. I'm so sorry you both are having to go through this. I too get frustrated when I see other couples not appreciate all they have.

    I hope the day comes soon when you and Ward will no longer be separated and can enjoy in person all the love you have for each other.

    ~JAS

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    1. Thanks for your very sweet, very kind wishes, JAS. I know you know that ache, it is indescribable, hollow and resonates through your being. And this whole process is so nebulous - hurry up and wait - I don't do well with nebulousness - sigh. So you and I, we'll just keep our eyes on the horizon, and not look down to really notice the distance...and just keep on moving forward.

      (((hugs)))

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