Thursday, December 13, 2012

Lesson learned, fear shed


Part of our relationships are about growth and learning. Sometimes that is not a painless process. I have had several great revelations throughout my relationship with Ward. I just had another one... it shook me with it's magnitude and it shook him, at first negatively, thinking that I doubted him. Then, when I reached the conclusion, we began to rebuild with a new understanding.


It started with a question..."Daddy, do you think I'm real?" No, that wasn't like, do you think I'm too good to be true, that was, do you think I am genuine or a faker? "I'm afraid that the mask will fall away and that I will be ugly underneath." And it was met with the words that cut me to the core and make me bleed my faithlessness. "Why are you afraid to see the positive? Is not my love good? Does blessing not find you?"




Why would I think such a thing? I came from a woman with a dark heart. She could love no one but her self. My father...very distant... I think.... still do, though he denies it, that there is a distance because I was born from that darkness. I spent most of my life not knowing how to be, but having a vivid example of what not to be, how not to do things, how not to treat people. I have a recurring dream of her, one that wakes me up screaming, her head on the body of a viper, that sly, portentous smile that harbored the most impure of intents. She was mistress of disguise to entrap, then she attacked and destroyed.






I, myself, in this life have borne many masks. They were the masks I wore when I was told that I was not enough, to keep a love that did not really exist. My fingers curled from the burden of carrying these masks throughout my life. When I found this man who loved me in a genuine way, in an ever-growing, deep and abiding way, I waited to be not enough. We got past that hurdle. Then I began to fear that I was full of guile, that I would shed a mask one day and he would see the 'real me' and be disgusted.






And as we talked, and his words braided into the lifeline that I have come to rely on, I saw that my hands were empty...for the first time ever, my fingers are unfurled and unburdened. I carry no mask, I hold no guile...with him, I am an open heart. I have always stood naked before him, because for him, I have always been enough. And the realization that struck me like thunder? I'm afraid to be her. I'm afraid that having come from her, she will slither out of my soul. But he has taught me, enough that I can feel it, enough that I can see it, enough that I can believe it....I am not her. My heart is not dark. I will not break open and spill venom on those that I love because I bear none.




And this man, whom I love with all that I am and all that I have gives me the gift of freedom. He reaches beyond the wounds that my fear and insecurity cause to him to heal me.



Thank you, Daddy. I don’t have to be afraid anymore. I AM naked before you, there is nothing to fall away. You have always given me the freedom, the gift of being my true self for the first time ever. There were burdens I bore and masks I wore before in vain attempts to be loved. But you long ago stripped me of artifice. I feel lighter, and I have shed another fear. 

No other love in all of the world... in all of my life, there's been no other love. 


HIS POV:
June, came to me damaged in a deep and profound way. The impact that this negative person she speaks of is obvious sometimes even during joy.  I am so thankful that you have learned to let me in and let me show you the light which that person tried to hide from the world.. I saw it right away and even when you struggled... it was there.  You are my true love and greatest blessing and I thank God so much for you! Thank you for letting me take the burden from your shoulders and lead you to a place of light and love. It is a true blessing to love you!

20 comments:

  1. The light burns the brightest for those who have been hurt the most. And that's what Ward's love is for you June, a light burning bright, keeping the darkness at bay and showing you another way. :)

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    1. I don't know if I could ever adequately express just how bright his light is, Grace. He has saved me from the demons and fears that imprisoned me for most of my life. His love is pure, and my blessings are great.

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  2. June you amaze me. Im sorry for the burdens your mother put in your heart, its a heavy load to bear and one that can come back from a sound or seeing something and its like your right back to that place of insecurity and pain. Im so happy that you have overcome all that hurt. Its unreal how much damage a parent can do one that should love us unconditionally always, and all they cause is pain. How great a world it would be if we could all just Love one another. From reading your words I can tell that there is to much light and love in you for there to be any darkness. Take care

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    1. Thank you, Annie. I believe that the things that happen in our lives happen for a reason. I think the things that happened make me who I am, help me to have the heart I have. So I can't regret them...and that would be a waste of energy. I think that is why I gravitated to Psych/Child Development, because maybe I can see those children who are hiding so deeply within themselves.

      My light? He drew me out of the darkness with his and I reflect his, and he amplifies mine. He allows me to express my heart, and he accepts it as enough.

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  3. June - I am so sorry you have had such pain in your life and had to endure such cruelty.

    I believe you previously used those masks not only to reflect whatever someone wanted from you in order to gain approval but, more importantly, to protect the beautiful inner core that is the real you. Ward came into your life, showed (not told) you he would be your protection, and helped you remove the masks to show us all the beautiful, loving soul that you really are. Time after time, you put your heart and soul on these pages which is something that no one with an ugly core could do. I truly hope you believe Ward and have laid those ugly doubts aside.

    Ward, IMHO the Good Lord knew that June and the boys needed someone with a loving heart who could look past the mask to see the loving soul hidden there and bring it out. You with your strong, loving heart and willing hands was the one He chose to guide her.

    Together, you are such a strong unit and wonderful, loving role models for your sons. Thank you for sharing this painful but beautiful moment with us.

    Blessings,
    Cat

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    1. Thank you, Cat.

      Good point, I had forgotten that. I was so very good at making myself small, quiet...unnoticeable. It was better when they didn't notice you. I never let that part of me out, and I never let anyone in, not really in, till Ward.

      I am a work in progress. I feel those things falling away, slowly, but indeed falling away, under his careful, gentle, loving hand. God is merciful, and I wonder if He had this in mind all along. I can't imagine it to be anything some divine design, because we flow seamlessly into each other.

      I wish you could see the boys' faces when they are with him. They don't get the love and compassion, understanding, listening, guidance from their own father for their differences that they get from Ward. He was made for us. And I thank God for that gift every moment of every day.

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  4. So happy you found love and peace at last.

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    1. Thank you, sunnygirl. He is peace, love...sanctuary personified.

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  5. Your Ward is right June. All those yucky, mean, evil things cannot be found in you. You don't need to fear that they are buried deep down somewhere because you chose love instead. Love for your boys and for Ward.

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    1. Thank you, Susie. (((hugs))) The only thing I regret is that Ward is sometimes hurt as I work through these things. I always felt adrift, gulping great lungsful of water, trying to stay afloat, and he gave me purchase, and became my foundation.

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  6. June....this is so, so good. It is nice to feel that love and security surround you....when all you have ever known is fear. I am so happy for you :)

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    1. Thank you, Lucy. It is so very sweet, like the peach that perfumes the air, and whose sweetness bursts on your tongue and permeates your very soul, while the juice drips down your arms. It is decadent and treasured.

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  7. Such a beautiful post of love that triumps over the past. Love that can overcome past hurts. You are both so lucky to have found one another. June you are one lucky lady to have found someone to see your true beauty and worth even before you were willing to show it.

    P

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    1. Thank you, Pocahontas. I am so very blessed and lucky. I hope that I bring him a tiny fraction of the good he brings to me. He gives me something to believe in, and his mere presence is proof that somewhere in me is something worthy.

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  8. Learning to love and allowing love from the deeps of not-so-good-beyond-our-control-beginnings***that is powerful and strength in motion. Beautiful post, June.

    (Your post also brought to mind this quote: "It doesn't happen all at once," {said the Skin Horse}. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."~The Velveteen Rabbit)

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    1. Oh Bleuame, you made me cry! I tell him all the time, your love makes me real. This is one of my favorite stories and I don't know why I never equated it to us. Yes, with his help, I am becoming. And he loves me despite my lumps and bumps and imperfections. He shows me my strength, and pliability, and celebrates my softness.

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  9. This is truly beautiful June. You are both immensely blessed to have found each other. I love reading your posts as they are always real, and very much of the heart. Bless you and Ward.

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    1. Thank you so much, M3. I know that I have been bountifully blessed, I pray that I bring a small measure of blessing to Ward.

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  10. June that was so elequently said! You are a gift for eachother. Ward you have a wonderful grace about you. You see the blessings you have in June and celebrate them. Thank you both for such an inspirational message this morning.

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    1. Thanks so much, Fiona. He is the most grace-full person I have been privileged to know, and to have him in my life is indescribable. I sincerely hope that I am a blessing to him....I love him with my all.

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