One of the things I struggle with

 Daddy just now had a chance to get a little bloggy, so he caught up on some Wards's POVs for the last couple of posts (I'd still like to see what you might come up with for the ABCs, if you feel so inclined, Daddy-love ). I always enjoy reading what he has to say.

In the post So you feel a little bratty, one sentence in his response jumped off the page - to me, anyway - "...give them the freedom to let go of the fear of uncertainty." Wow... he knows me so completely. Renee Rose's comment to the post Change, growth, trust and submission well, that jumped out at me, too, and especially as this post was starting to form in my mind, she wrote: Beautiful - it is amazing how peaceful surrender can be! Yes, it is, peaceful and wonderful....and a lot of work, sometimes.

If you've been reading for a while, and you read my post How Many of Us you know that I had a childhood, like far too many of us, that did not foster feelings of security or positive self-image. Before Ward I had three long-term relationships (7, 10 and 10 years). Somehow, I ended up supporting all three of those partners, financially, as well as with cooking and cleaning and all of those other things. And all three of those partners, while I was working three or four jobs to keep us going, went in search of other partners.

I've said before, when I first met Ward, I thought that he was attached. I merely intended to compliment his writing. I was surprised to find that he was unpartnered, and that was bittersweet, because I thought there was no way that he would be interested in a relationship. But look at us now! 

It is easy to surrender to my Daddy. I can't express how much I love him, there are no words adequate enough to express the depth of my devotion for him. I wish that I could create one that would express it - I don't think it's possible. To give him what he asks, to anticipate what he needs, so easy, it is effortless, and it fulfills me in ways that even I don't truly understand. 

 

I do have struggles. The greatest one, is fear... I fear so many things. I fear not being enough most of all. I fear that he will wake up one day and ask, "What in the world was I thinking?" He is this incredible man, and I am just me. He says he wishes those people who crafted my self-concept had to answer to him. He says that Daddies don't leave. He says that I am beautiful. He says I am what he has been searching for. He says that he will teach me to see myself the way that he does. 

This path - it's not a destination. It's a journey. I am at once a very simple woman, and more complicated than even I ever imagined. I have said before that I give up the last little piece that I have been holding back. Sometimes that is laughable - times like this - when I find another layer. Like an onion, sometimes when you peel back a layer, you cry - I am right now. Sometimes that step feels like free-falling off the side of the mountain. 

But I know a couple of things.... I love Ward with a fierce certainty. Ward loves me and somehow, I am what he needs. I could not fail him, somehow I am more than he expects though certainly not more than he deserves, and failing him is not something that I would allow to happen. And he will not allow me to fail myself.

 

For the first time ever, I believe. I believe Ward. I feel it. I see it. I hear it....really hear it. I taste it. I have been chained for so many years to the belief that I was lacking. And here stands my man, MY Daddy, with the key in one hand, and the chains in a pile on the floor, his other hand extended - offering me the freedom to let go of my uncertainty - to let go of my fear, to surrender yet again. And all I have to do is take his hand and let him lead me away, to accept this immense gift of love. 

Take my hand, Daddy, don't let go. I won't let go.

HIS POV:

 

Once again I am amazed and humbled by the boundless love of this beautiful, amazing woman that I call mine. I know that her childhood definatly left a lot of things to be desired (putting it mildly here) and I know that I cannot undo the past, but I look to the future with open arms and open eyes.  I wouldn't miss a moment for the world and the love I have for my June can only grow. She has struggled with the concept of her own self-image for a while and I can only give her encouragement and lots of love... (she's beautiful folks)  I have undying love for you June, and with faith, patience, love, grace and kindess I have no doubt that you will flourish and thrive.... Yes folks, I do wish that those people had to anwser to me, it's these kinds of people that have done a terrific job of lowering the self esteem of those with true beauty, these people and the media make a Daddy's job that much harder... but then again that much more rewarding.... I love you June, don't doubt it, or  me and my bathbrush will have to convince you... I love you my sweet darling.

 

Change, growth, trust and submission

I don't exactly know what to call this post. It comes as a rumination after talking to my therapist. We have had a therapeutic relationship for longer than Daddy and I have been us. She has said before that she didn't see me as submissive. Which kind of surprised me. I am no different than I have ever been, and I have always desired to be who I am in this moment. The difference? Ward. Without Ward I have no one worthy to receive or to accept my submission.

I have always been who I am at my core, and I have always been unhappy. I have always been the one that had to take care of everyone, to gather all the edges and not let anything spill. And let me tell you, it is exhausting. I'm not made to thrive on that kind of thing. I did it because I had to. I did it because my need to serve meant that I had to do that which was necessary when the other person did not. I am logical and efficient and effective ..... and I don't love it. I am meant to nurture, to cultivate... to serve.





In the course of our weekly conversations, I have talked about my need to understand. I want to know why you want me to do things. And if you work for me, I will make sure you understand the why as well, it makes you feel invested. I want to know the details. I dislike uncertainty and surprises. I want to know what you know. Knowing helps me be prepared for any contingency. This is what she knows about me.





This past week we talked about some things going on in Ward's career path that affect our family. She asked, "Do you know..?" No. "When will you know?" I don't know. She sat for a minute and said doesn't this bother you? You're the one who has to know everything. I thought for a minute too, and I smiled. Nope, doesn't bother me, when he knows I'll know. She said, "This is so unlike the you I know."

So I thought about it - you know me - that's what I do - "Why did this not bother me? Why was I not a neurotic bundle of nerves?" And the answer is simply that I trust him. He is my HoH, he is my leader. He will ask my opinion before he makes a decision. He will shoulder the greater part of the burden. He will take care of us - of me. I have never, ever in my life been able to trust another human being to that extent. That realization made me smile.

Then I wondered - because when I'm not thinking, I'm wondering - what if he thinks that my not asking means that I am uninterested or that I don't care? So I asked him. Does it bother you that I don't ask you tons of questions about things? I mean it to show that I trust you, and not that it doesn't matter. He said that he loves knowing that he has my confidence and that I trust his judgement. And I do. And then it occurred to me, that maybe that's part of my submission to him, too.




It is many things, and hence the confusion with the name for this post. I have changed, and it is growth, because I freely and with great embarrassment admit that I was an anal, neurotic mess. And it signifies the trust that I have in my Ward. And it is one more thing that I give over to him. The only worry that I have - and I ask him all the time - is this too much? Do I lean too much? Is the burden too heavy? Because having to do that, to carry that wears on me. But my man - he thrives on it.





I see us sometimes like a tree. We - tall and straight and strong. He - slightly rugged (yum!), dug deep into the earth, stretching far above and providing shelter. I - the earth into which he plants his roots, that feeds him and helps to support our family, and his roots hold us together. We are intertwined in so many ways. We would be so much less alone, together we are a thing of beauty.
I love you, Daddy.

HIS POV:  

My dearest June, your faith, affection and love mean so much more to me than I can express here. Your love and confidence in me and us staggers and delights me so... you have grown so much and have made me a stronger man... and to that I can only say thank you... I Love you Babygirl!

The ABCs of TTWD - (I accept the challenge)

Okay, I accept Stormy's challenge. An ABC word association for TTWD. Maybe Daddy will put up his list later today :) That could be interesting!

A = Acceptance

B = Blessed

C = Courage

D = Discipline

E = Emotion

F = Faith

G = Growth

H = Honor

I = Integrity

J = Just

K = Kink

L = Love

M = Mindful

N = Nurture

O = OTK

P = Passion

Q = Quality

R = Respect

S = Submission

T = Transcendant

U - Unity

V = Vulnerability

W = Warmth

X = Xenodochial

Y = Yield

Z = Zenith

Wow! Who knew!

So you feel a little bratty?

I've been thinking a lot lately, not always safe, just ask Daddy - I sometimes think way too much. But this thinking has not been bad thinking....this thinking as been pondering/figuring stuff out thinking.

What am I pondering about? Why I'm not bratty. You've seen my Daddy say a number of times that I'm a good girl. That makes me proud because I like making him proud. Don't get me wrong, I am absolutely no Mary Sunshine here. I feel plenty strident sometimes. So I started paying attention to my thought process.


This is no secret to him, when I'm aware, or become aware, I tell him....I tell him everything, we are totally transparent with each other. Sometimes something will upset me, something that happened, or something that was said, maybe I'm unsure or reticent about something he requests. Most of the time I ask him if we can talk about it.

When I don't he always asks what's wrong. He hears it, smells it, sees it, feels it. There are times I say "Umm, don't wanna say it." And he says, "No, I'm listening, lovey, I need to hear it." I'll say, "Nope, it's not very submissive." He coaxes, "Go on." And I tell him, "That made me feel...," and he says "That wasn't so bad, was it?" Well sometimes it seems that way to me.

It's sometimes hard to reveal those things I may be thinking. That means putting myself out there, doesn't it? But I have honestly never had a partner who was so concerned with my fulfillment, with my happiness, my enjoyment, my safety - my over-all well-being. He listens to everything. He coaxes out the things I may be reluctant to say because I think it's frivolous, or unsubmissive or unseemly. He thinks it's all important. He takes it all into consideration, and he does make the decisions that serves our family best.

There are times when I don't feel especially happy about something. And I might feel pouty or feel something....unsubmissive, that wants to come out of my mouth. But I have this little internal dialogue that runs.

Well I don't want to...
But he's Daddy...
But I'd rather.....
It's what he/we/you need, he's not arbitrary....
No he's not, but I'll be sad....
You'll be sad for a little while, but in the end he will work it out for the best resolution, he always does. He's the big picture man. What is the real issue here? Why do you want to resist him?
pout.....sigh
 
"Yes, Daddy" and sometimes I DO say, "Yes, Daddy, I don't want to, but I'll be a good girl." And guess what? The smile that has a million rays of the sun, and the kiss on the pout and the voice that thaws me out in an instant, whispering "Good girl." make it all worth it till the good things happen.

So what I figured out from my thinking is that we all have the potential to be bratty, it's whether we just let it all fly or we let it run through our filters first. Why bother? Because I love him, because I respect him. Even if we were a straight up 'nilla couple I would think that would be the foundation of any relationship. In our relationship? Well he is my HoH, he is my Dominant, he is my Daddy. He has this right - the duty - to make the decisions for us as a couple and as a family. It's my duty to follow with grace. For this good man, that is the path I choose.

HIS POV:

To truly love someone is to understand them, to guide them, to nurture them, discipline them and give them the freedom to let go of the fear of uncertainty. I try my best to be there for my June,  we share a communication and understanding that allows me to know and share the kind of deep connection that we both need and desire.  Even when the tough decisions come, I know I have her support even if she doesn't like the direction we need to go in for the good of our family and relationship... I'm a lucky lucky man, my June is a very good girl and I won't ever take that for granted.

What it's like....

I thought I'd spend a little time today talking about what it's like for me....





To be:

- June's Daddy
- A spanko
- A old fashioned man in a modern time







Being June's Daddy is like no other gift  that I have ever received.  Our hearts and minds are so in tune at times it's almost uncanny.  She is my support system, my inspiration and the warmth and light of comfort at the end of long and wearisome days.   I support her, guide her, give her the support, love, respect, discipline and attention that she needs to thrive in the warmth of our love.











When our relationship began Ms. June and I spent a lot time discussing and comparing notes on life, spanking lifestyles and many other things. As time went on it was very clear that we shared something that is rare, profound and timeless.  Indeed, being her daddy, her man, her best friend has brought out the best in me and made me a better man





Being a spanko is like....  A cold drink on a hot day, soft music, making love on a rainy day, dancing beneath a full moon... it's amazing...

It has also come to our attention that perhaps we aren't like some DD couples. In addition to using spanking for discipline and correction (June really is a very good girl) [Thank you, Daddy :)]  We also love spanking for any of a bunch of other reasons.  In addition to being a great stress reliever,  it hones our libidos, and generally connects us at a very close and special level.  I think it's also advantageous for us on a one to one basis because both of us are true blue spankos and came this way, nobody got converted so to speak, it was 100% natural and that's how we love it.

Being Old Fashioned is a bit like:



Being a gentleman.  I try to carry myself like a gentleman, just how my mother and father raised me.  It kind of stands out in stark contrast to what the media portrays as the quintessential modern man - you know the clueless buffoon that is more childish than his children... I try to be a man that Ms. June can be proud of... She deserves the best I can give her and I try to carry myself that way. 






It's a beautiful thing to share this relationship...this life with a wonderful lady like mine.  I bid you all a great weekend!

Her POV:

We talked endlessly, and easily, and openly, like I have never talked with anyone else before. And it was unassuming. We had no expectations. Ward had a little trick that served as both a conversation starter and a deflection technique, lol - "random question", but it helped us to learn all manner of things about each other.

He is charming and very much old-fashioned and courtly. He is a breath of fresh air. He possess a strength of character that is quite uncommon, and extraordinarily attractive. He is absolutely magnetic.

I have always, because of my life till Ward, been cards to my chest, but he reads me well, things that I think I conceal and no one has ever understood, he sees and understands and responds in ways that make me open and fold myself into him.

I am indeed proud of my man. I am proud of who he is. I am proud to belong to him. I am proud of who we are together. I am proud of the kind of family we are building for our children. He is yummy :)

Spanking and humiliation

I see a lot on a lot of different blogs about feelings of humiliation from being spanked. The only ones who have said they don't feel humiliated were Kitty and Conina and faerie (thank you, Conina:) ). I wonder how much of that has to do with their particular dynamics, which are more on the kinky side, than the DD side, and in fact they don't have a discipline dynamic.

Daddy and I do have discipline as part of our dynamic. As I said in a previous post, we're a little bit of this and a little bit of that. We are spankos, through and through. We enjoy spanking for fun. But we also use it for discipline (stress relief, role reinforcement, testing submission). And when necessary, yes, for correction.

Let's talk about what humiliation is. By definition: hu·mil·i·ate (hy -m l - t ). tr.v.  To lower the pride, dignity, or self-respect of. Daddy and I do not enjoy humiliation/objectification in any form. It is not Daddy's aim to undermine my self-image, or my concept of my place in our relationship. I am his. He supports me, guides me, holds me in his hands, elevates me and teaches me to love myself.





With spanking for play. it's all about the good pain. It's all about that intoxicating feeling of control, of being in the palm of his hand, of being breathless and floaty and exquisitely happy. It is a feeling of complete and utter joy.






When it's for discipline, all of those same things, and add the emotional release that comes from complete and total surrender, from putting my needs in his hands and knowing that he will make everything alright. It is about him taking those feelings of inadequacy and fear and stripping them away, leaving me raw, and planting the seeds...I am his. He loves me. It is a feeling of release, relief, and renewal.





When it is for correction, I guess that is where it could well be humiliating. I guess this is the part of our dynamic that is closest to the DD dynamic. I have seen it written that it is humiliating to feel like a child. But he is my Dominant, my leader, my Daddy. it is his right - his duty really - to enforce the rules of our partnership. I have surrendered this to him, and in so doing I acknowledge his right. I am not going to say that it is not humbling, it is, but not humiliating. Perhaps this is the way that Ward handles correction.

We talk about nothing, just feel our connection. I get to see that no matter what I may have done, he still loves me. Then we discuss what went wrong and how we are going to go about clearing the air and restoring equilibrium. He doesn't denigrate me. He tells me that I'm still his good girl, just my actions were bad, but we're taking care of it. He tells me he is proud of me for accepting the correction. When it's over, it's over. We move past it, with a clean slate. He is extra nurturing. It is transformative in a positive way. I am never diminished. It is a feeling of releasing guilt, absolution, cleansing.

In all parts of our dynamic spanking is a feeling of deep connection and trust, it is a reaffirmation of our commitment each to the other. In all parts of our dynamic, I am honored to be his, and pleased that he leads and allows me to express my submission to him in the many forms that our flavor allows. I'm one lucky girl.

HIS POV:

I am truley and magnificently blessed to call  Ms. June my own, and I would echo much of what she has said.  I try to be a uplifting influence in her life and I would never...ever try to reduce her or humiliate her... June is my greatest blessing in life and to see  her shine brightest I would use my life and energies to see her elevated to happiness and true satisfaction.  Through Love, Discipline, and erotic intrigue, humiliation has no place for us, dedication, patience, love, and kindness are what we delight in!