Something happened, something small and what would be innocuous, even enticing for most people, but because of my past, it immediately set me on my heels. I felt small and so confused. I am his. I love him like no other. I know he is safe, more than that he is MY safety. He would never hurt me. He owns me, there is nothing I should not be able to give him. I felt bad and sad and scared, and unsubmissive and like I was holding back, and mad at myself.
We talked about it and I asked forgiveness, and he said there was nothing to forgive, but in my heart, there was. I cried for two days. When I had therapy I spoke to my therapist about it. And in talking what I discovered was that I found it scary because I could not accept my own sexuality, my own appeal. I understand that from him, this was a compliment, this was him expressing his desire. That's not how I have ever experienced that before. Not as a child exposed to things no child should know, not ever as an adult. My prior partners made it quite plain that I was not beautiful, they were sexual with me simply out of their own physical need, not because it was me with whom they were seeking intimacy.
She said I was good at talking out of both sides of my mouth...what? She said that I speak of the level of trust that we have, but I don't trust his opinion of me....wow... She said she knows it is because of what I have heard all my life, what I have always been told, that it has become my truth. She said that we learn to believe what we hear. So now, when Daddy says something good about me, or anyone really, even if I don't believe it, I am to say "That is me, I own that." If my mind hears my mouth saying that, that will become my truth. so I'm trying.....and Daddy is helping. He says I am beautiful...That is me...I own that...
Open arms and ears to listen, sometimes these are my greatest tools as a Husband and an HoH. June knows I would never intentionally do something to harm her or make her feel uncomfortable in any way. The traumas that we don't talk about, the traumas from childhood, the ones that still affect us... they are the hardest to handle and heal from. This situation taught me several things, namely that I can give June my support when she is struggling, listen and continue to show her that my desire for her, love, and intimacy are borne of a genuine desire to share something beautiful and pure with her and her alone. DD/TTWD can give us so much, but sometimes something as simple as unconditional love and support .