Thursday, May 2, 2013

Personalization In Your Dynamic

The time has come to approach and illuminate a topic that has the potential to effect a large percentage of the folks in DD/TTWD marriages as well as resound throughout blogland. This is a topic that June and I both very strongly about and while we understand that some people have differing opinions, we feel that speaking out about the potential pifalls and dangers of single minded, insensitive, approaches to DD/TTWD and some of the potentially disastrous consequences that can befall even seasoned couples in an otherwise healthy relationship.  We do not seek to proclaim ourselves experts, and would not dare deign to tell others that our way is "The Way" or disrespect any established couples. We hope that you will share in this journey to the heart and health of DD/TTWD and we freely encourage people to ask questions.
Have you ever stopped and considered what makes your relationship special and unique? Is it the things you say to each other? Is it how you treat each other? Is it how you interpretation of the intricacies of  your dynamic? We ask that you keep these questions in mind as we discuss and speak out about something that has been eating at us.  There are several entities and resources in the DD/TTWD world that claim that they are "experts" or that their way is "the way" to go. We will speak out against this and denounce this as dangerous and somewhat reckless. I'm sure some of you have heard of several "books" or have heard of  Domestic Discipline "bootcamps" or "bootcamp" style relationship training.  Some see this as a way to condition or indoctrinate their spouse to the concepts of "leadership", "punishment"  and the general foundation, and day to day concepts of the DD/TTWD lifestyle.  It is our opinion that an "all encompassing" or  formulaic approach to something as precious and important as the DD lifestyle is reckless at best and dangerous at it's worst. We believe that for a couple to get the most  out of this lifestyle,  that a great dear of care must be exercised when dealing with each others emotions,  ideas, expressions, affections etc... In simpler terms it is paramount that we know and understand each other in order to best serve each other's needs even and especially the need for order, discipline and structure.
One of the things that we've seen with the "bootcamp" principal is the idea of punishment to introduce the concept of submission or "to get used to it."  The idea of punishment without a good reason is an idea that is destructive, harmful and absolutely without merit. We expressly admit that we do believe in spanking as a submission exercise, as well as spankings for role reinforcement, but the idea of arbitrary punishment is nothing less than detrimental to the mental and spiritual state of the TiH and the state of the relationship.  Regrettably, June and I have both also seen the negative impact that the bootcamp experience can offer... Sometimes it sends the wrong message to both HoH and TiH... A misguided HoH can become disconnected from his TiH and may not be aware of the real emotions, fears, and true honesty... If punishment or correction occurs without merit? How can we expect real honesty? In the wrong situations, a TiH  may feel various feelings of negativity, resentment, fear or inadequacy at the prospect of unwarranted punishment...This in conjunction with several other factors could easily cause hard feelings, and difficulty in communication.  We should also express that  there may be merit in the idea of bootcamp...open communication about the expectations of the house, what a couple is striving for, open and honest discussions about  the impact that you both expect and desire,  healthy and considerate introductions to healthy forms of spankings that have a purpose... These are all things that can benefit a healthy happy relationship and we would entreat people to explore these concepts  in a "them" centric manner that speaks to their own unique considerations, needs, and requirements.
One of the other concepts that we would express at this time is the need for consistent care, awareness, and  respect to both people in the relationship.  I may be the HoH in our relationship, but I am also cognizant of the fact that June needs me to demonstrate not only a fierce love but a deep and uncompromising respect for her as my wife, the mother of my children, and the voice and life of our home.  We have learned that in our relationship, we must make the time to develop and perfect a process that speaks to the decisions we make and the importance that we hold for each other, and that is our suggestion to you... Work together to discover something that you can develop a blueprint for a healthy happy relationship that puts a sharp and clear focus on healthy and pure unity.

June here - I believe that as a start to DD, having a dedicated time with no interruptions to outline the specifics of the relationship, such as rules and expectations of both partners is a constructive, foundation-building thing. I believe that one of those expectations should be time set aside every single day to connect and affirm our roles, rather than have periodic bootcamps to realign or redefine.

It is no secret that Daddy and I do daily maintenance. So please do not take this to mean that I am speaking against spanking, or other methods of correction as tools in a DD relationship, or that I am speaking out of both sides of my mouth. When Daddy spanks for role affirmation, for discipline, just because he can, or for correction, he takes the time to see me. He knows me well enough to understand what I need, to understand what it takes to get through to me. You can see this kind of leadership all over blogland, HoH's who understand their women and lead instinctively, like Jim, Jake, Ian, Michael, Dragon, Omega and Steven to name a few.  To not cultivate that kind of environment, that kind of interaction can result in more unwanted behaviors that it prevents. I believe that submission should come from a place of wanting to give respect and deference to our HoH, a place of desiring to be pleasing, a place of service, and not a fear of punishment.

I think it is dangerous to take someone hungry for the closeness that DD brings, and trepidatious about what it takes to lead, and give them a checklist of how to conduct a spanking or corrective action. I think the formulaic approach can lead some to think there is no other way, does not encourage them to see how things fit into their relationships and how to make it their own. I believe the approach can teach an HoH to close himself off to his TiH. For example in our case because of my background, corner time or time in our room would create panic in me, I would feel abandoned. I need his reassurance that he is there and that the things he does, even correction, come from a place of love. When correction is over I need his arms, and his assurances that his love is unconditional, that I am forgiven, and that we are moving forward with growth and a better understanding, and the transgression won't be brought up again by either of us. He won't allow me to beat myself up over something we have resolved.

I think the bootcamp experience can be emotionally draining, and then to heap a long evening of causeless punishments can be emotionally damaging. This kind of thing can break one's spirit. For us the idea of DD is never to diminish each other, and Daddy would never, ever break my spirit. I think that there needs to be a purge in that establishment period, something like Roz's beautiful ceremony detailed in her post "Collared". For Daddy and myself there was something similar, yes a very long, firm spanking, with lots of love and pride expressed as a sign of the things we were letting go, and the things we choose to embrace. This has to be what speaks to and serves your relationship, not from a checklist or chart.

As I stated above, for me submission come from a desire to serve, a desire to be pleasing, not because I fear the consequences if I displease him in breaking one of our rules. I think that both Dominance and submission call us to be mindful of our partners, and to take the time to reaffirm our roles and commitment to them daily. Yes, we spank daily. We also affirm our roles within our relationship and to each other in small ways every day. Much as mouse beautifully illustrates again and again of her dynamic with Omega, Daddy understands my need to feel his Dominance, and his devotion to me is to provide submission exercises. These can be spankings, writing assignments, or tasks. And I try to be mindful of his needs and provide things in service and deference to him, like meeting him at the door with a drink or removing his shoes and socks after a long day and refreshing and massaging his feet.

As Daddy said, none of this is to say that we have all the answers. We have worked very hard to have the answers for us. Sometimes we see something that someone else shares that speaks to a struggle we have had. We discuss it and see how it applies to us. We are grateful for the mentorship provided by the experienced couples in this community. We believe the opportunities to speak with others in this lifestyle through our blogs, and the various chatrooms are invaluable. We believe that everyone can only speak with authority to their own relationship.  And no one can or should speak as an authority on this lifestyle in general. 

Ward again - We would like to finish this post by expressing that in addition to understanding the way your process works for you, you may also find some deep and unexpected benefits of a enriched, personalized DD/TTWD relationship. Taking the time to develop, nourish, and evolve an ideology and lifestyle that is right for you and your partner....No this isn't always easy, fair, or fun, and yes, you will be tested....sometimes it's going to hurt, but knowing that we matter to each other, really matter, enough to effect a positive culture of awareness and responsibility says that this love is unconditional, indubitable and transcendent.
We also have to admit that we have both made a few mistakes and suffered a few setbacks, neither one of us is perfect. The beauty of mistake-making though is in the growth and knowledge that this begets. When we learn, we grow and when we grow we see the positive effect that change can have in our relationships.  Establishing these changes allows us to tweak and further refine the policies and expectations that benefit our relationships the most. It all starts with a mindset that teaches us to develop our own unique ideas, needs, and thoughts... We would suggest this might be a great starting point for the uninitiated, or a great vantage point for the established. Either way, there is much wealth to be mined in investing our own time and energy in the way we approach DD/TTWD.
June again -  The essence of DD/TTWD relationships is mutual mindfulness and respect. When we undertake activities we want them to enrich our dynamics, not potentially break our spirits or damage us or our relationships. Ward and I often look at our children and think - Lord they didn't come with an instruction manual. Truth be told, when I was pregnant with my first I read every single book because I wanted to be the best I could be. When I was handed that little person I reaffirmed my undying commitment to him. And when I sat on the living room floor crying because those books didn't answer the questions I had, and nothing was working for THIS child, I realized even the author can only speak from their own personal experience. They didn't know MY child. I had to open my heart and reach out with my spirit and my soul to his, and find the ways that I could best benefit him.

The truth is, we are humans, and we are different, and our experiences, thoughts, feelings, beliefs, psyches and reactions are all influenced by our personality and our personal experiences. There is no one size fits all answer. And there are no manuals. We would encourage you to read, to seek, but we would also encourage you to take whatever you find and make it your own, with the well-being of your partner's heart, mind, body and being in the forefront of your mind. 

98 comments:

  1. I think that if we ever give up our own judgement for another's we are treading on thin ice. No person (especially one that does not know you personally) will ever understand the intricacies of your relationship. Every person is different and that difference grows exponentially when you are talking about a relationship between two people. We dub this TTWD and for us the emphasis is on the W. It is what WE do, what works for us. Sometimes we try something that someone else uses in their dynamic to find that it translates wonderfully and other times not so much. Thank you for your willingness to broach such a sensitive topic.

    Hugs to you both

    P

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    1. Thanks for stopping by P,

      Exercising judgement and really understanding your partner and their needs is paramount. We definatly concur about the W. Thank you for reading and hearing our words!

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    2. Just like everything else, P, it comes down to communication and knowing your partner. I don't think anyone that I know does this thing that we do the same, and that is how it should be.

      (((hugs)))

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  2. That is a lot to think about but some really good points. You are both so well spoken and I love your value system.

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    1. Thank you very much quiet sara,

      We hope we have given you some positive points to talk and think about! Thank you for stopping by!

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    2. Thanks very much, sara:) We hold our relationship and this lifestyle with reverence.

      (((hugs)))

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  3. Very well said, by both of you.

    I love this line at the end: "We would encourage you to read, to seek, but we would also encourage you to take whatever you find and make it your own, with the well-being of your partner's heart, mind, body and being in the forefront of your mind."

    One of the greatest things about ttwd is the ability to customize it to fit our situation, our needs, our desires, to make it our own and work for us, not for us to conform to it.

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    1. Hello Grace,

      Meeting the challenge of rising to meet the needs of our loved ones is a labor of love, one that never ceases and always benefits!

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    2. Thanks so much, Grace. I think you and Michael do this marvelously. I love how you communicate, and how you always overcome your challenges together and stronger than before. This is what Ward and I aspire to.

      (((hugs)))

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  4. You two always have such wonderful wisdom to impart! ((hugs))

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    1. Hello lilmises,

      Thank you for being a part of our blog! We love having you read here and hope that you gain something useful!

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    2. Thanks so much, LM :) We speak from our hearts. We're glad that it makes sense (okay - especially me, Daddy always makes sense :-P)

      (((hugs)))

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  5. Thank you for a very thoughtful and insightful post. I have worried more than I care to say about the dangerous and potentially destructive form of messages that are being sent to people interested in the DD lifestyle via various "experts". Your insights reveal a genuine love and understanding. The reciprocity as you so eloquently put it is plainly not always easily accomplished. DD is not a quick fix for anyone's marriage and the demands on both parties are enormous. I was beginning to wonder if anyone would ever approach the elephant in the room.

    There is no way I would approach my husband with something I think has the potential to destroy our marriage and the whole "bootcamp" concept gives me hives. Your genuine approach to one another is an inspiration and your unwillingness to allow anything to intrude on what is essentially "yours" is impressive. Just a few thoughts from a lurker who was really worrying about a few people.

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    1. Hello Anonymous,

      Thank you for stopping by and sharing. We try to give people wholesome ideals and tools that they can bring into their relationship. June and I also whole-heartedly agree that DD is not some "magic bullet" that will solve everyone's problems and issues over night... it takes work every single day.

      We did feel like someone needed to approach this subject i.e. "The mammoth on the patio"
      Their is no way anyone should be so arbitrary or wreckless when we are talking about the hearts and spirits of our loved ones. Thank you for posting!

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    2. Thank you for your kind words, Anonymous. We do have a genuine love for each other, our friends here, and for this lifestyle which has given us so much. Thanks for 'de-lurking' to share your thoughts.

      (((hugs)))

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  6. The posts you have written together have been beautiful and I have found a huge amount of encouragement in them for our own relationship. Dave and I are in a big transition right now, not sure where we are going or how far, but this is where we are, taking information we are reading and implementing what works for us and what doesn't. I can recommend resources and materials that have helped us but I always preface it with the fact that not all the information in any suggested resource applied to us, and that same material may not completely apply to someone else because each relationship is different. If there was only one way I think life would be boring. I always love to hear how someone else make its work for them.
    Thank you both for the time put into writing and sharing the knowledge you have acquired so that others may find some pieces they could weave into their own lives.

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    1. Thank you Jacquie for allowing us the opportunity to be heard and understood, we believe in a approach that is above all honest and careing, and we definatly would tell people that our way may not be right for them.... Thank you for reading here and we hope you and your Dave, find out what works best for you!

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    2. Thank you so much for your kinds words, Jacquie. We're most humbled that you find talking points in our ramblings. And I love the line: so that others may find some pieces they could weave into their own lives. To be able to be part of someone else's tapestry is an honor. I marvel at all the brilliant threads that have woven themselves through our lives, and am grateful for the beauty and strength they lend to our story.

      (((hugs)))

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  7. It is difficult to write about a subject such as this in such a way that doesnt come accross as 'being all knowing and dictorial' but you pulled it off, but then you do both write well.

    My thoughts are that although im all for respecting how others choose to live their version of ttwd i do come accross blogs/posts that leave me feeling a bit uneasy, however its very difficult because i know my relationship isnt one that everyone will understand....i have written posts that someone may come accross and draw an opinion from it that its 'wrong' or unhealthy.

    Punishment does play a part in our dynamic, however its not done on a whim, i need to be absolved, and its always discussed beforehand so there is no misunderstanding on why i have been punished...he wont punish me unless i acknowledge that i deserve it, and often i will ask for it....but i dont get punished very often.

    Overall my opinion is that what differentiates ttwd from abusive situations is that its about enjoyment, a willingness to want to submit because it gives pleasure and enhances the relationship for both...it is not about being constantly on edge worrying about saying or doing the wrong thing...its not about fear.

    x

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    1. Hello tori,

      Dominance, submission, mindfullness and resiprocity are all things that June and I hold dear and they are beautiful to us because that is works greatest for us... Personalization right down to the way we do TTWD is something that has had a beautiful benefit for both of us!

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    2. Thank you most kindly, tori. I find that it doesn't matter what the physical dynamic is, I identify with the emotional. There are people in blogland who I admire, who exhibit an openness of spirit and level of submission to which I aspire. A lot of them, like yourself are heavier players. For me it's not the acts, but the gifts of both Dominance and submission that are expressed in those acts, and how well the parties meet the needs of their partners.

      Daddy and I also have correction in our dynamic. Even though I have earned the correction, Daddy is still sweet, loving and supportive. And when it's done, it's done.

      (((hugs)))

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  8. Great post! Amazing insight! Every person and each relationship is sacred. If you love someone you will make it your priority to respond to his or her own beautiful uniqueness, not based on some formula of questionable origin and intent. I am proud of you guys for living a life of authenticity.

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    1. Hello Anonymous and welcome,

      We are proud to live for each other and we encourage everyone to do the same!

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    2. Thank you most kindly, Anonymous. We agree wholeheartedly, we personally hold our relationship as most sacred, and ministering to each other is our devotion.

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  9. June, I like your very last paragraph the best!

    One of the very first things I ever read was Boot Camp. I cannot begin to describe how it affected me so much it made me cry, and worried me for weeks! If I hadn't found 'Sara' I think I would have consigned Dd to some kind of pit and never got any further. I've seen animals that have been beaten to break their spirits, and you can do the same to people. It hurt me to the quick to read some of what was expected. And to be spanked just to teach me what it should be like! Oh no thanks.

    When I brought this dynamic to Starman I hoped we would build a strong foundation. I didn't know how long it would take, and viewed it all through rose-tinted specs. Yet neither of us would wish to go back. It hasn't been easy but we are getting there. Instead of dumping 35 years of married life experience, we are using it together with Dd to strengthen and improve our marriage. We have no written rules, but strive for harmony, and I feel very loved and cherished. I can't think of a single aspect of our lives that hasn't improved. I cannot help but see how Starman has grown, and is still growing, in his role, and as he grows, he helps me to flourish also.

    I love this post June and Ward. I hope it underlines the need for every couple to realise the dynamic is flexible enough to mould to fit their own marriages for mutual love and benefit.

    Many hugs

    Ami

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    1. Hello Ami,

      We are glad that you and Starman have and are working togeather to build something that speaks to you both and helps strengthen and renew the love you have for each other! You are both flourishing and that is wonderful to see!

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    2. Thank you, Ami, that's why we felt the need to write this. This lifestyle has so much to offer, and can be so rich, if you understand how to tailor the tolls to your specific relationship. Harmony is a perfect goal.

      We've been at this nearly three years, we have a solid foundation, we are still building and growing. I'm so glad you and Starman have found your stride.

      (((hugs)))

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  10. This is something I'm really struggling with. Lots of comparing everybody else's way to what I think will eventually be our way. Do i want this or not? Could i ever live as some do? NO! Will i live the course we plot together? absolutely! The last few days I've been really coming to terms with it. Now your words just further validate that. Very insightful as always and thank you again.

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    1. Sometimes it is a weighty thing, We would encourage you and your guy to talk early and talk often, communication... a must, and no matter how you come to terms with it, be assured of your love and commitment to each other!

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    2. If you keep that in mind, chickadee, and in your heart, you will be better than good :)

      (((hugs)))

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  11. Ward and June,

    Thank you for respectfully and honestly approaching the other side to domestic discipline boot camp. Boot camp is not for everyone, just like many other aspects of domestic discipline aren't either. In fact, the domestic discipline lifestyle as a whole is not for everyone.

    Like many other bloggers in the community (and, non-bloggers), we feel it's important to present the domestic discipline dynamic as a whole. Part of that dynamic, for some couples, does include boot camp. Part of that dynamic, for other couples, does not.

    We think it's important that everyone in the community be able to make their own assumptions and draw their own conclusions on whether or not boot camp will work for them solely based upon facts, not influences, dishonesty, or jealous rampages. We're grateful that your post provided another avenue for people to be able to do that.

    There's no right or wrong way to practice domestic discipline as long as it works for your relationship, and is consensual. The same goes for boot camp.

    Thank you for presenting both sides of the "boot camp controversy".

    -Clint and Chelsea

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    1. I visited your blog recently and was relieved to see the disclaimer. Happy to see you are now including it in your posts.

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    2. Hello Clint and Chelsea,

      Thank you for respectfully replying,

      We feel it is important that each relationship be custom designed for each other, and that each component of each relationship must be carefully designed to compliment and bolster the needs of our partners. Each couple must communicate and work together to idealize, work, and enforce the bounderies and parameters of their needs.

      Thank you for replying

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    3. Thanks very much, Clint and Chelsea. We are pleased that our point was understood. Not as condemning anyone or anything, but just a genuine concern for our brothers and sisters in this community who are seeking, and perhaps struggling.

      We welcome the discussion, and thank you again for stopping by.

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    4. I hope that this doesn't sound condescending in any way, but I'd like to say how refreshing and wonderful it is to see adults acting like adults. People may seek out "how-to" manuals, but that doesn't mean such manuals exist or that they would be helpful if they did. How can someone write a manual on how to spank another? Instead, we can only share our stories and what worked for us...with the caveat that it is one story and one method.

      In blogland it is easy to find a split between sycophant agreement and hostile diatribes. It's nice to find a place where we can disagree in a courteous, constructive environment.

      My hat off to everyone who has participated in this discussion, and especially to Ward and June for initiating it.

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    5. Hello and thank you Anastasia,

      It doesen't sound condescending at all and it is wonderful to see grown men and women acting as such. Individuality, consideration, and knowing our partners is really what it is all about. Blogland is definatly a very large range of ideaologies and expressions... We mereley wish to share what works for us.

      Thank you! Anastasia, we very much appreciate your kind words thank you for your support!

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  12. You two have such a clear, easy to follow writing style. I have always said when asked about what makes a successful power exchange relationship...it has to work for the 2 people involved...yes even for the submissive partner. You did a wonderful job of presenting your arguments in a non-biased manner. thank you for saying what needed to be said.
    hugs abby

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    1. We try to keep it simple Abby, we want our readers to get the most out of it! It takes work, courage and a unconditional love and pride in both each other and the relationship.. Thank you for reading!

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    2. Thanks so much, abby, for your very kind words. The funniest thing about us, we are pretty much tpe, and I have said before, we will always be DD/TTWD, but if we were not D/lg, we could easily be M/s. In this relationship, I have more of a voice than at any other time in my life. I am listened to, and my needs are the utmost in his mind and heart. Daddy says its not always fair, but it doesn't need to be fair, it's more balanced than I have ever experienced.

      (((hugs)))

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  13. Ward and June,
    What a beautiful written post you have written. I brought the idea of boot camp to my Rog, he looked into it and said "no, he will not do that to me or us". He loves my spirit and playfulness and doesn't want to change that, nor does he ever want to give me such harsh spankings without cause. We're realizing, for us, that a long list of rules is unnecessary. He just expects and deserves the 4 D's and in return cherishes me and respects me back. I trust him when he said no, but after reading your post it does help me understand a little more on why he said no.
    Thank you,
    Kim

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    1. Thank you Kim,

      It is a blessing that you have a man who looks out for your best interests, knowing who we are and what we require and our partners require is paramount to a healthy relationship. I am glad we can illuminate some of the finer points on why a "no" to this lifestyle can be a very healthy thing!

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    2. Thanks so much, Kim. Your response warms my heart, and I wish everyone would approach it with the wisdom that Rog did.

      (((hugs)))

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  14. Very well said Ward and June. The knowledge that you guys have shared is something that P and myself have learned. TTWD truly is unique to everybody.

    Thanks,
    John

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    1. Thanks John,

      We are glad that you and P have found your own unique and special inroads to DD/TTWD and it is great to see you two grow togeather!

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    2. Thanks very much, John. It is so very individual, and that is incredibly important.

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  15. What a wonderful gift you both have. You both presented this in a very respectful and concise manner. The Man and I have taken bits and pieces. We are considering doing a "retreat" that focuses on us, goals, etc. When he read the book, he simply said, "Your little PTSD self can NOT handle that, not happening." He did however takes pieces that fit in "Our puzzle". I am so encouraged to see a difference of opinion done in a way that not only allows but encourages folks to personalize and make their relationship grow.

    Dana

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    1. We are glad you and your fella have taken bits and pieces that can help you develop something richer and more joyeous! In the end finding those puzzle pieces and opening those door is all part of adopting something beautiful for you and yours!

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    2. Thanks so very much for your very kind words, Dana. That is high praise. Yes, I have PTSD as well, and a fear of abandonment. Daddy knows things like cornertime would be very damaging to me. But I acknowledge that for some it works like a charm.

      But it's just as you say, taking pieces and fitting them into your puzzle is the best approach. And we are always adding onto our picture.

      (((hugs)))

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  16. Ward and June,
    This is such an incredibly important post. Thank you for writing this - I believe in my heart that many people will benefit from reading this, and some marriages may be saved because of your words.

    Elisa Xo

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    1. Hello Elisa,

      Thank you for reading, we definatly felt that this is a topic that warented some attention... If we can get people to think, to consider and to turn towards each other and what they need, this will post will have been time well spent in the making!

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    2. Thanks for your most kind words, Elisa. We only hope that we can give some seekers something to think about. I hope that they find it helpful.

      (((hugs)))

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  17. One size never fits all. As with anything you read on the Internet you have to be careful. Ask is this sane? Is this safe? And is this something that will work for you?

    When I showed Dragon the Boot Camp material, he said no way. He doesn't want me to be afraid of him or second guessing every move. DD is about building our relationship, not fear. We also looked at the "how to spank" guides. Not for us either. He knows how far he can go and when he misjudges, I can say enough.

    I worry that women are being abused and calling it dd. I worry that some men are going to far. Use your brain people and realize that you have to find out what works for you. Talk, communicate constantly and above all consent. No is no.

    Steps off soap box

    thank you for the great post and the compliment. Love my Dragon just a bit.

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    1. Hello Dragon'sRose,

      Finding what fits us and ours is a vital thing, and I am glad that you have a fella who knows your heart and is commited to serving it and guarding it for you! I am so happy that you and your guy feed each other and your needs without settling for something that would never serve you!

      And It is good to see that you love your Dragon!

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    2. Thanks for your most kind words, Rose. Yes, I know you do! It shows as does his love for you. As you said, it is so important to understand your partner and know when the point of contrition, or the point of release, or the point when the walls come down. It's important to understand your partner and their needs, and how you can meet them. It's unique for each of us. And so it the trust intrinsic in being able to call a stop, but not abusing it.

      (((hugs)))

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  18. Beautiful post about an important topic. Thanks for talking about it in such a sensible and sensitive way. You two are very special and this will help many people.

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    1. Hiya Zoe!

      Important and we hope useful, we try to be as sensible as we can!

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    2. Thanks so much, Zoe, for your very kind words. We're just us :)

      (((hugs)))

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  19. Wonderful. Sensitive subject beautifully approached. You know if everyone put this much effort into their marriage, we would have a much lower divorce rate. Great explanation Ward and June. Thank You

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    1. Thank you so much Annie!

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    2. Thanks so very much, Annie. That is very true. It's hard work, but so very worth it. Nothing in the world will be more important, aside from bringing up our children.

      (((hugs)))

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  20. Ward and June, thank you for reminding us new folks that is it so easy to look for the easy way, the generic way of doing DD this is the time to work at making this a unique experience for the two of us to find what works for us not some cookie box recipe because there are no two couples that are the same.

    Bob

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    1. Hello bob,

      New or old, all of us can benefit from taking the time to know and understand each others hearts, desires, needs, and dreams... it takes work every single day and it is well worth the effort!

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    2. Thanks so much, Bob. One of Daddy's favorite sayings is - this lifestyle is not easy in the least, but it is so worth it. It does take work, but the benefits reaped are immeasurable.

      (((hugs)))

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  21. We have never looked to anyone else for "how to" advice in DD. There was one time right at the beginning when another man suggested something and MM tried it. LOL...it was a train wreck and we learned our lesson then and there. We have gleaned from other couples, almost always those with more experience than us but more in terms of principles as we figured out "who" we were, not in terms of how to carve out how we do this. I took the more informational blogs off of my blogroll some time ago because of that lack of connection for me, even though I still enjoy getting to know the people who they belong to. It's all about relationship for me. My husband isn't prideful but he has always wanted to do this his way/our way--to figure it out step by step and have it be truly our own. We are so okay with taking our time. As he says, we are just living our lives.

    I find it interesting that other couples are completely the opposite of us. They enjoy and want the to do lists, the suggestions for how to form a structured weekend, the step by step guides. While we do have a handful of rules here, I have found that the newer couples who put their ttwd together based on rules and discipline for breaking those rules are more likely to want this approach and I often get emails from ladies asking me for suggestions. Then as time goes on, they also find their own way. Some stick with the guided approach and others morph more into less structure.

    To each his own. My only deep wish is that every couple use their heads and think through everything they read, not going in deeper than they are ready for and not deferring to anyone else as wiser. Only MM and I can know what is best for us and while he gets the final word, I had better tell him all that is on my heart or we end up right back in train wreck mode.

    You two wrote this well. I don't think it's really controversial at all--just helps everyone to remember to think, enjoy the baby steps and talk, talk, talk as we each find our own way.

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    1. Thank you for your kind words Susie,

      It is definatly interesting to see our relationship's juxtaposed to other practices.. in sharp contrast to ourselves, we can always learn something and take away something healthy to help keep us strong. We hope that this post can give people a healthy insite to themselves!

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    2. Hi Susie, thanks so much. We were afraid that some would be offended and that was not our intent in the slightest. I totally agree with your deepest wish to think things through and see each other, and how things work for you.

      (((hugs)))

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    3. i was one such lady who emailed susie a while back, to ask her thoughts about "boot camp." my professor and i almost tried it in the beginning, but after reading a few blog posts on the subject and by others who'd already tried it, we decided it wasn't for us.

      we have been married a long time (19 years), been together even longer, and we have discovered, oddly enough, that we were already a strong team before bringing dd into our marriage.

      personally, i feel that people will find their own way, but you have aided GREATLY in taking away all the difficult guess-work. the best part is, everyone can discover what works for them and how to proceed. your blog is one i frequent and feel it's a loving source for guidance when you're in unfamiliar territory or if you just need someone to tell you they've been there.

      thank you for this.
      m.

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  22. Ward and June, thank you so much for posting this. It was beautifully written, respectful and balanced. Every couple and every person is different and there can be no one size fits all approach. We must find the path that is right for us.

    This is a very important post which many couples will benefit from reading.

    Hugs,
    Roz

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    1. Hello Roz!

      Thank you so much for reading it, we are all different it's the journey that is important, and not just the journey, but how we see each other along the way!

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    2. Thanks so much for your most kind words, Roz. We tried to present it in a balanced manner, respectful of everyone's sensibilities and unique take, we're glad that came through.

      (((hugs)))

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  23. Meaningful and thought provoking entry. A lot of good advice. I don't agree with the bootcamp style either because for me it would break my spirit. It would harm us more than it would help. Daddy knows that he doesn't need to physically punish me to always get his message across and make it known I messed up. A lot of times his words, tones and actions alone will do more than a physical punishment ever could. I think it's great for the couples it works for. We just know for us it wouldn't. No one is an expert for anyone but their own lives like you said and I think this was a wonderful post to let newbies and starter couples know this and to be cautious is not a bad thing.

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    1. We can only hope that people take the time to read and understand each other... Breaking the spirit is never healthy and nor is a carbon-copy approach to how we handle things.. We are glad to see that you and your Daddy have a healthy way to handle things at your house! Thank you for reading!

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    2. Thanks very much, Tiffany. Daddy is the same, sometimes he says that I don't need correction, what I need in that moment is his arms. I'm grateful that he can read me and my motivations. We surely hope it proves helpful.

      (((hugs)))

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  24. Ward and June,

    This was very tactfully and wonderfully written. We don't follow a lot of the DD sides of thing...we do...But...We came into our dynamic from a different perspective (M/s)...Does that make sense?

    Asked Daddy about the "bootcamp" thing and he filled mouse in a little (he has his fingers on the lifestyle pulse a bit more than mouse), so ya mouse totally understands why you'd be hesitant to say anything but still feel the need to do just that. Whatever lifestyle anyone pursues it should lift them up and make them feel better about themselves not bring them down.

    So props. kudos, love and hugs to both of you!

    Hugs,
    mouse



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    1. Hello mouse,

      Thank you for reading it... and truth be told there are a lot of things that June and I probably do just a little bit different than most DDers. Thank you for your kind words and much love, hugs, and props to you and your Daddy too!

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    2. You are one of those that I look up to, mouse. And I love to read the interplay between you and Omega. I love that you are letting a little more of your nature show in posts - you're funny :-P It makes perfect sense. We started as friends, who met on FetLife. We both thought the other would not be interested, and low and behold - 3 years later, lol. So we kind of came into it from the bdsm side, and as friends refined what we were looking for, and were surprised at every turn that we both wanted the same things. So we built on a little of this and a little of that. And what we ended up with is just awesome.

      (((hugs)))

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  25. Your post was very well written...like they always are. You two provide a wonderful calming, nurturing bent to our blogworld. You are both very articulate. But no where is that more true than in your responses to comments here. Weather folks agree or disagree with you, you don't digress to an unproductive or unkind place. Neither do you take the opportunity to gloat or disparage others. You two truly show grace and maturity and are a breath of fresh air!

    hugs,
    fiona

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    1. Thanks so very much, fiona, we are truly humbled. We are glad if we can give back a fraction of what we have gained here.

      (((hugs)))

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  26. Thank you Fiona,

    We try to provide a balanced, acurate approach to writing.. We try to be a healthy, happy part of blogland!

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  27. This was so well written, and the comments and your responses speak volumes too. I think that the process of finding our own way with this lifestyle has been invaluable. It may have been easier at times if we'd chosen to rely on recommendations, but I think we could have inadvertently limited ourselves in a lot of ways had we done that. Thanks for this post you guys. :)

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    1. Thanks so much for your most kind words, Tess. That's very true, we have to be able to adapt to make it sing for us. You and Jake give us beautiful example after beautiful example of two people who see each other & each other's needs, beautiful examples of Dominance & submission, and feeding each other.

      (((hugs)))

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  28. Hey Ward and June...late to the party and I really don't have time to read all the comments so my apologies if I repeat what others have said.

    This post was written beautifully with a lot of love, thought and caring behind it. I believe many of the "how-to's" are also written with the same but maybe they didn't emphasize customizing the way any TTWD relationship should be customized.

    The beauty of TTWD is that it can and should be customized to fit the needs, wants and desires for each partner within a relationship and should constantly evolve as the relationship and the partners in that relationship evolve.

    Matthew's family had something similar to 'boot camp' that was implemented when a couple first married and then every year on their anniversary. I have read where others have taken the 'boot camp' idea and customized it for their relationship. Bottom line, while much of it is not my 'cup of tea', I think taking the theory and customizing it could be beneficial to many. As with everything, much of it depends on your approach, understanding and communication.

    One of my biggest frustrations is the number of women I see around blog land who want a step-by-step how-to they can hand to their husbands and say "this is how it's done". They want the benefits/rewards and don't realize just how much hard work, thought and patience are needed and how much they need to give.

    Ok, stepping back from the soap box now...sorry about that!

    You two are such a shining example of what true love and TTWD really is. Thank you for the love. care, hard work and thought you put into each of your posts...such a gift you share with all of us.

    Hugs and Blessings,
    Cat

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    1. Thanks for your kind words, Cat. We can understand that the intent is not to harm, however, with such a different lifestyle, and no real world examples, we act as mentors to each other. With that in mind it is of the utmost importance that we don't come across as authoritative, but instead empower each other to know our partners and mold the bits and pieces that we garner to fit into our lives, and not fit our lives into the someone else's mold.

      And that is exactly because of what you said - there are people looking for how-to's. As the 'elders' we have to impress on them that none of us has all the answers and can only share our experience and hope that it provides a talking point to deepen their own relationships.

      As we said in the post, Daddy and I also had our own version of a 'boot camp', a time dedicated to us, but completely unregimented, and without prescriptions. And there has been talk of collaring and if there is, there will likely be another, kind of along the lines of Roz & Rick's ceremony - another claiming, another affirmation, another dismissal of all that stood between us in the past, and a further planning for our future. So yes, the theory, customized, can be beneficial, but not a checklist.

      We're just us, sweetie, we're completely dedicated to each other, to our family, and to our community.

      (((hugs)))

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    2. Hello cat,

      Thanks again for your warm words. Good intentions are a good thing... We try to to give people nspiration and ideas without coming off as absolutists. We know we have something that works for us and we are proud to continue a legacy of devotion and care.

      Delete
  29. I have been thinking about all of this. I guess I am what they call a cherry picker, since we do not fit in a neat category.
    I love how you addressed this issue without criticism, emphasizing compassion, wisdom and understanding. We expect no less from you both. I feel that there are basics that most everyone agrees upon when addressing TTWD or a more DD type relationship. When beginning, some people want real defined guidelines and others do not. I think of it like a diet. There are some individuals that need a specific menu to be successful, while others create meals from the list of acceptable foods. When we hit a bump in the road we must alter and change things to meet our needs. I think everyone in this wide community agrees with that!

    Did I make sense?

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    1. You made perfect sense, Minelle, thanks :) Your analogy to a diet is perfect. This is what I have been finding on my own quest to improve our family's diet. Some things just don't work for us, but we have to be empowered enough to understand how to make changes that are positive for us.

      Thanks for your most kind words :)

      (((hugs)))

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    2. Thank you Minelle, We do strive to improve our "diet" and we try to give those around us "nutritious" ideas as well! Some things we do wouldn't work for other people. We just try hard for each other every single day.

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  30. Well written Ward & June. While reading this, I could feel your passion for this subject. I don't think it would surprise anyone that I agree with you 100%. "One Way" information for any purpose that could be considered dangerous or somewhat reckless has eaten at me also. I haven't seen anyone actually call themselves an expert, but I feel I understand your intent. Anyone who would call themselves an expert in the DD area of the lifestyle community, hasn't been around long enough to understand this community of open minded people. People who are perfectly capable researching everything available, finding what works best for their individual DD Foundation and making their own choices.
    When new people ask questions, it doesn't matter if someone is new or has been around from a time long before the original essay that became boot camp was written in 2005, we all want to help people new to our community. And we share our opinion based on the experience we have or for those not comfortable with that yet, they might direct a new person to someone like the people you mentioned in this post, or someone else they know with experience.
    Since I was active in the community in 05' I hope my perspective can be helpful. I saw the first round of the controversy surrounding the original boot camp. I personally would not advocate starting out a new DD relationship with the focus on spankings, training, punishments, assignments and lists of chores or anything like that. Some people used to try and start with a long list of arbitrary rules and that doesn't work out often either. As you mentioned, what does have a more long lasting effect, and sets the course of a couples plan and process in the right direction, is communication and a healthy positive approach of honesty.
    I applaud you both for your convictions and the helpful way this post is presented. From reading your previous post, I don't think anyone feels this was meant to alienate anyone in any way. I hope the opposite is true, and we can all come together as a community, lay aside any past ill feelings, and discuss this or any subject that arises in a caring and responsible manner. I know you have inspired me to write something on this subject, and I hope others feel the same way.
    Respectfully,
    MrBB

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    1. Thank you MrBB.

      Thank you for taking the time to read this post and we hope that you have taken something positive from this post. We have definatly seen you for who you are and we appreciate you taking time to comment.

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  31. My hat's off to you both on a well-written post concerning such a touchy subject. The words 'boot camp' seems to set off strong emotions around here, much like the words 'domestic discipline' do when the vanilla world stumbles across it.

    As you've pointed out, there is no one 'right' way. Every couple includes two very different individuals, each with specific wants and needs, but both sharing an earnest desire to be the best they can for their partner. THEY are the experts in their relationship and how best to proceed.

    Our blogs allow us a forum to process our thoughts and feelings, what works and doesn't in our specific relationship and a way to gain insight from others. It is rare that I don't take something away from every single post that I read. And even if I find myself with raised eyebrows and think "that isn't for me", I try to keep an open mind. Some bloggers that have insisted they would NEVER do a certain thing...found themselves doing just that thing. As we all know, it's a constantly evolving process. My marriage is certainly proof of that one. What works for us would never work for others; hence, the reason it's called TTWD. And while we have received nothing but tons of support, I have to wonder if we were to utter the words 'boot camp' how well that would go over.
    Again, you two approached this subject with great dignity and care. Excellent job!
    Rogue

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    1. Thanks for your most kind words, Rogue. It was something that we felt strongly about the need to make the choice more obvious, to delineate the "must-do/step-by-step" from the "what serves your relationship". We had a mini summit, lol to hash out our ideas and how best to present it. I'm glad that you found something to take away from it.

      I'm much like you, I take a little away from each thing I read, and if nothing else, it gives us talking points so that we can talk and discover, and further our relationship. That is never a bad thing, but taking things that work for someone else without tailoring them to your particular situation can be.

      Your marriage is definitely positive proof of that! You sounded lost and sad for a good while and it is so great to see the old Rogue back :)

      (((hugs)))

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  32. I guess I feel kind of out on this one. I really do agree and believe every couple should do what they feel is best for them, and what works for us won't work for others, and vice versa. :) I really do believe that boot camp isn't for everyone, but for us, I'd do it over again in a heart beat. :)

    But we did do a boot camp about 5 months into DD, and while there are a couple of things that really bothered me, the night of punishments being the really only one, it really changed our relationship. Before it, the Duke wouldn't step up to do punishments. He just wouldn't. He wouldn't lead, he wouldn't enforce or tell me rules. I don't want to be a doormat, but I need a bit of structure, and he wasn't giving me any. He was still leaving me to lead our marriage, and everything to do with it. I kept saying I felt like we were playing at DD because he liked the maintenance, I think it was more foreplay for him, but nothing more. Since then, the Duke has really stepped into his role. He's very firm about the rules now, very quick to punish as well, which is something I needed, I wrestle with guilt, and need the release from that. I don't act out a lot, and the Duke is very passive, so we really needed this weekend for him to see that he could do this role. We needed a set aside time for him to exert his authority. We needed a weekend where there wasn't long stretches for him to lose his authority again between punishments, and submissive exercises.

    I do realize for many people this may not work, and for me, it was quite hard to get through, but it really was worth the change in the Duke. :) I have a man that is finally taking the lead, something I have prayed for ever since we married.:) :) It's been years of heartache, crying until I couldn't breathe I felt so unloved. Now, I am shown I am truly loved. Boot camp really helped him step into his role, nothing else worked. Though I do agree it would be a hard thing to have done in the beginning of our relationship, and so I'm glad we waited.

    I do think another reason this worked for us, and wouldn't for others, is because the Duke is more of a "Follow The Guide" type person. He won't even deviate from a recipe, it took years to get him to put less milk and butter into KD on nights he cooked than the box called for because I find it too runny by the box's directions. :) Thank goodness we don't have it often, lol. He reads the instructions, every single one, when putting something together. :) Yep, I'm more, let's start putting it together and check the directions if we run into any problems. :) So knowing this, I do see now how it would help him out more than others.

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    1. No, sweetie, why would you feel out? I am so happy that you found something positive in it, and that it served a need for you and the Duke. I hope that you always feel welcome on these pages, in Ward's and my home.

      This is different for each of us, and we all have our flavors and our tools. We don't all have to agree. We don't all have to use the same tools. We don't all have to play the same way, or with the same intensity. We only have to love, accept and support each other unconditionally. You're part of our DD/TTWD community, and part of our family. You're always most welcome here.

      (((hugs)))

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  33. I have just found your blog, and this post is very helpful to someone new to DD. There is so much information out there, and it is a challenge to know where to go with specific approaches. For us we really have been making it our own - with endless discussion it seems :) We have not done and do not plan on using any type of structured "how to" but taking bits and pieces here and there is guiding the way. Nice to meet you both!

    -Marie

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    1. Welcome Marie, it's a pleasure to meet you as well :) I think you've already found the key - communication, well and often. Things change and sometimes noise of the world gets in the way. As long as you keep talking you can weather any storm. And this is a great community for support.

      (((hugs)))

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  34. i think this is so beautiful, and i appreciate the courage it took to express this - and the wisdom that flows through it. Thank you.

    sofia

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    1. Thank you so much, sofia. My Daddy is wise indeed :)

      (((hugs)))

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We love to hear your thoughts. Thanks for being part of our chosen family!