Friday, May 17, 2013

Perfectionism

This post comes from a conversation I had with Grace. She posed a question to me that really got me thinking, and became a very long answer that I said would make a great post....so I made it one :)
                                                         
I have a question for you.  I know that you (and Ward too, but we're talking about you right now) hold yourself to a high standard.  You have certain expectations of yourself and Ward has certain expectations of you.  What I'm wondering is, how do you avoid falling into the trap of perfectionism?  Because it doesn't seem like you struggle with that...or do you?




Oh gosh - this is a loaded question for me, lol. I do hold myself to a very high standard, because I feel that he and the boys deserve no less. I agree that perfectionism stems from insecurity and sometimes fear, I have been afraid all my life that my best efforts are not good enough, that I am not good enough. If you consider perfectionism as: Perfectionism, in psychology, is a personality disposition characterized by an individual striving for flawlessness and setting excessively high performance standards, accompanied by overly critical self-evaluations and concerns regarding others' evaluations. - then yes, I suffer from perfectionism BIG TIME! The one thing is I am always sure that I will never be able to attain perfection, because I am inherently imperfect, I try to accept that with humility. Daddy, bless him, says that perfection does not matter, but that I constantly put in effort to be more, do more, even if I don't succeed, I tried to give him my best.

 

I used to beat myself up over that quite a lot. I don't so much with Daddy, because he will not allow me to do so. Most of the time he is very patient, and I am learning from that to be more patient with myself. Honestly looking to examine if I truly did give the best of myself to the task. If I did, I try to accept that I did, and that I can try to do better next time. Sometimes I am less successful, and those are the times that land me otk - not correction, more like get-your-head-straight/stop-spinning/stress-relief kind of discipline.
 




I was talking to my therapist about it, and she said because of how ingrained that fear, and that need to be loved and accepted is, that it is something that may never go away. But she says she sees improvement with it since I'm with Ward. So how do I cope? Well, when I start feeling it, I ask myself if I did my best, if there was a way I could have done better, and then I offer it to him with my whole heart. He has never rejected anything I have given him. I try to see how it affects him and take that inside, seeing that it touches him and that the efforts are appreciated and treasured. It's a work in progress. I have never had the positive feedback I get from him. I try to realize that his reaction is kind of like his gift to me, as much as my actions to him, and realize that when I doubt myself it is the same as questioning his sincerity, so I try to accept his genuine gratitude with a heart as open as that with which he accepts my offerings to him.


HIS POV:  

 I must remain vigilant in the expression of my love and acceptance of June. More than that I recognize the heartfelt effort that June puts forth in all things... In our relationship, in being a wife and a mother, indeed in all things. I recognize that her upbringing was harsh, desolate, cold and void of acceptance. My love for her is unconditional just as I know that hers is for me.  Patience despite humanity is a gift that I long to bring June. Her heart needs it, and I know how much she struggles with this particular issue.

The truth is, I've learned so much from June and I owe her a debt of gratitude... She's very patient with me as well and she has taught me much about what a Father and Husband are all about.  She and the boys love me, and more than any amount of  fear or perfection (yes I can be a bit of a perfectionist) their love for me, in spite of the things I struggle with, speak volumes.

I am a blessed man to be able to give my all to a beautiful lady and two beautiful children who  allow me to make a mistake... I must have the mind process that we can all learn to accept our humanity just as much as learn from our mistakes.  Giving from a loving heart is also one of the things I strive to do every single day!




                                     

28 comments:

  1. Good question, now I will have to ponder that question later today.

    June and Ward Your answers were great I liked the way you complament each other very nice indeed.

    Bob

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    1. Thanks so much, bob. He is my puzzle piece, he completes me :)

      (((hugs)))

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  2. I think we all struggle with this , at least a bit. Master's unconditional acceptance of me has helped me to accept me. Being the best me that I can is my gift to Him. I love that your post always give me something to ponder on...and think of ways to help me along to that best me.
    hugs abby

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    1. I'm getting there, abby, but I still have moments where that darn little voice is so loud it drowns out everything. Daddy, God bless him, is so patient and nurturing, we'll get there.

      Being our best 'me's is certainly the best gift we can give. It's wonderful that they are gracious enough to take some of our efforts and treat them as perfect, when they are like those misshapen clay shapes made with all the love in the world by our children - that we think are lovlier than the finest porcelain.

      (((hugs)))

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  3. I'm not a perfectionist. I sometimes wonder if it is a failure on my part, not to strive to be better at something, that I'm happy to be 'good enough' There is much food for though on your post and again you balance things well. I especially like the difference between excellence and perfection, maybe it is excellence I should seek.
    hugs
    DF

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    1. I don't think being a perfectionist is necessarily a positive trait, DelFonte, lol. It can drive Daddy crazy - Can you not be gentle with yourself? Can you not see how much I appreciate your efforts? There is indeed a difference between perfection (unattainable) and excellence (achievable). All he requires is my best effort and pure intent. Now I just have to ease up :)

      (((hugs))

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  4. Hi June,

    This is a very good question, and I love your response. It's funny, when it comes to certain things I am a perfectionist and others I'm not. Either way it sometimes makes me wonder if I too am a failure.

    All anybody can ask of us is that we strive to give our very best, even if that may not be perfect.

    Hugs,
    Roz

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    1. Hi Roz :) I am most forgiving of others, and accept their efforts with a great dea of grace. I seem to have no grace for myself. It's a good thing he does:) All he ever asks is my best, and he sees the good and thanks me for it when I can't see it.

      You're far from a failure. You are one of the people I look up to in this community.

      (((hugs)))

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    1. Thanks very much for your kind words, elle :)

      (((hugs)))

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  6. Hi, Ward and June. I finally made it to your blog again. I think both of you have very healthy and positive goals about battling the pitfalls of perfectionism and striving for excellence. Thank you for sharing. Thanks to Grace for asking, too.

    Irishey

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    1. So good to have you back, Irishey! Yes, it was a great question and gave us a talking point. I love that about this community! We try. I have some skewed views about myself. Daddy works hard to help me be gentler with myself.

      (((hugs)))

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  7. Hi Ward and June!

    Well now, mouse has never suffered the effects of trying to be perfect! Ok, after you've gotten a towel and cleaned off the computer screen...well of course mouse has tried hard to be perfect. The problem was Daddy's idea of perfect and mouse's idea are totally different.

    Really, mouse just about killed herself trying to become what mouse believed what perfect meant. The house spotless, children who never cry for any reason, perfect meals that always come out amazing!

    Daddy's idea of perfect (ok, it might include a clean house), isn't those things really. He doesn't mind when mouse wants to learn something new to her, and will suffer through all the mistakes. Lol. But really he reels mouse in when he feels she's becoming obsessive about being perfect.

    He'll be first to remind mouse that while she might not be perfect -- mouse is very perfect for him.

    Really we do temper each other very nicely!

    Hugs,
    mouse

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    1. LOL, I was gonna say, mouse! You know what happens to little girls who fib O_o Daddy and I have the same view of perfect, mine is completely unforgiving for myself. We had a problem with our oldest this week and Daddy had to hear - I'm a rotten mother - for a day or so, lol. He reels me back in, too, thankfully.

      Daddy gives me the same assurances, and perfect for Daddy, well that is just about perfect, isn't it?

      (((hugs)))

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  8. Your honesty is so touching. It must be such a a challenge to discipline/accept discipline when the TiH always feels like they've fallen short. So glad you have each other.
    Bea

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    1. Thanks very much, Bea. I think sometimes it might be challenging for him, when he sees that I am beating myself up. But in those times the message is that he loves me enough. For me, accepting discipline is not a challenge. I feel safe under his hand, safer than I have ever felt in my very long life. I am blessed to have him, and he says he is as well... I think I got the better end of the bargain :)

      (((hugs)))

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  9. Definitely a thought provoking question, Grace. I loved your answer and your guy's post. I too am a perfectionist but since being with Daddy it has gotten a lot better. Its hard to stress over being perfect if you're not allowed and are forced to focus instead on the effort that is put in. Even if I personally think I didn't do it right or well enough having that second opinion telling me to ease up on myself is so helpful. I'm perfectly imperfect and that's how Daddy likes me. Thank you so much for sharing!
    <3 Lily

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    1. Hi, Lily :) Daddies have a way of making things better, and helping us to see the truth of things! Daddy tries hard to impress that on me, look at what you give me, look at how hard you try. It touches me so very deeply.

      Oh! That's my saying! I am perfectly imperfect me! I love this little image:
      http://thinksimplenow.com/foto/2012/03/leah-dharma-comics-imperfect.png

      (((hugs)))

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  10. Great answers from you both. Perfectionism can be a really tough thing to loosen up about, it was interesting hearing both your perspectives. And great question from Grace, too!

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    1. Hi, Riley :) I guess I hadn't really thought about it before, so it was a great question to examine, and to share a discussion with Daddy around.

      (((hugs)))

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  11. Hey June...that first picture (I must be perfect...) I can definitely identify with that one. Great advice from both of you! Thank you!

    You two are awesomely perfect together! ;)

    Hugs and Blessings,
    Cat

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    1. Hi, Cat :) It sure spoke to me. It's what the voices in my head, what Daddy and I call 'little voice', (he's since named her Hope) constantly fills my head with. He talks to that little voice all the time, trying to get it to still. It's a slow process, thankfully he is diligent.

      If I am any measure of perfect, it is because I reflect a great man :)


      (((hugs)))

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  12. WOW. Thank you. I have some thinking to do. Hugs

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    1. Good thinking, I hope, Annie!

      (((hugs)))

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  13. I love this post. I am sometimes so hard on myself that it is impossible to attain the image in my head. Other things where I feel a failure, I quit doing anything.
    You guys hit the nail on the head with your thoughts.

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    1. Thanks so much, Minelle. Daddy is teaching me slowly, but surely. He is always very patient, but sometimes I see him grit his teeth, and he gets a wee bit frustrated. It's hard to overcome a voice that's so ingrained, but there is progress...slooooooooooooooooooow, slooooooooooooooooow progress :)

      (((hugs)))

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  14. June: For me, having certain physical limitations taught me early on that perfectionism was out of reach--which was very frustrating in itself--however, I do tend to put my whole heart and soul in something and if it doesn't come back with a perfect result, then I tend to beat myself up over it--of course my Dom doesn't let that go very far either. I think having someone next to us to look out for us, when we step into those personal traps is such a blessing. For me, it reminds me that being 'soft' or taking something with ease, isn't a sign of weakness but strength.

    Ward & June: I am so happy to be able to see your blog again!!

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    1. Bleuame, yes, that doesn't wash with Daddy either. That will get me in trouble faster than anything. I tend to accept responsibility for everything, it makes him crazy, lol. It is definitely a blessing for me as well. I treasure it. Daddy tells me all the time I am the strongest woman he has every known.

      (((hugs)))

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