Well what do you know about that?

I had therapy this morning. And it was a kind of low morning, I had eyes brimming with tears when she came in the room to get me. She said I see you're feeling sad and lonely - ya think? So we started talking, I said the first few days were not too bad, then I just went flat. That's how I've dealt with emotional pain all my life. And actually why I think I am a spanko. I would rather be spanked 16 ways to Sunday than to have to feel emotional pain. And spanking takes the emotional pain transfers it to flesh, and then like magic it's gone. Then yesterday and today, tears.

Now the funny thing about my therapist, when I first talked about Daddy with her, she was totally non-judgmental, but I could see her jaw muscles flex and every now and then her eyes would narrow ever so slightly. I don't know if she was even aware, but I was aware of it. Over all this time, she has said that she has learned so much about this lifestyle from me, and she has made peace with it. It's not the barbarous thing she thought it was. She is genuinely interested. And her face bears no shadows or tension. She has remarked on several occasions as to what exceptional communication, respect and consideration exists between us.

She asked me today what could I do to feel him while he is gone. I said I bought a special folder, colored papers and pens, envelopes, and I carry it around all day, and keep a running dialog with him. So it feels like there is an immediacy of communication, and I am still able to share the day with him. At the end of each day, I seal it and date it on the outside, so that when he gets a drop and a pile of mail, he knows the chronology, and if he wants he can parse them out till the next mail drop. I also got a call from the unit phone tree with a very special message from him that was like receiving a hug across the miles.

She said she was amazed at the level of intimacy that we have developed. She is amazed at how very in tune to each other we are, and how we care about and provide care for each other. She said that of all her clients she has never seen this level of commitment between two people. And she said....and here is the - What do you know about that moment - we have the healthiest, most intimate relationship she has every seen. That made me smile. For all the people that think TTWD is harmful or abusive,  we actually have above average intimacy. We're doing something right. I knew that, but it's nice to have that affirmation from someone outside our little sphere. And it's nice to know that others actually perceive us to have what we feel we have.

I don't know why that helped, but it did, and the ache is still there, but not as urgent. I miss him, my God, I don't think I could ever express how deeply I miss him. Just like I can never adequately express how very much I love him. They are emotions that are bigger than me. Maybe the point of it all is to remind us that we just can't live without each other. You know the saying, don't find the person you can live with, find the person that you simply cannot live without. Ward is my person. And you know what? As I typed that line a peace fell over me. True love waits, so do I.