Healthy Masculinity

                                         

 What makes a man a man? Is it a fondness for booze, sex, sports, video games? Is it  the clothes he wears or the size of his bank account:? Is it something deeper than that? Is it how he treat others? His wife and children? Well folks I'd say it's many things, and I'd like to spend a little time today discussing a need for men everywhere to stand up and make their voices heard. I was discussing this very topic with June the other morning and it comes to my attention that nobody's teaching  today's boys how to be men, and frankly that makes me sad.

In the media driven culture we live in, we are taught to adopt an ideology that says  that a healthy masculinity does not exist, that a woman can't be happy unless she "has it all"... you know the high-level corporate position, fictitious waist size, the mini-van.... all of it.  We are also sadly led to believe that  men are hapless, juvenile idiots who have no hope of managing themselves let alone their families... you've seen it, you know the commercial where the husband looks like a clueless adolescent.  Even the way we educate children ... during recess (which is sadly a dying concept) boys at play are unfairly branded as troublemakers and even simple games  that where once commonplace are often prohibited or unfairly vilified (cowboys and Indians, tag, capture the flag.)  It doesn't take a rocket scientist to see that  masculinity has become a downplayed and unwelcome concept in modern society.

                                                                         

 

                       

                           

 

I would call out to my HoH brothers and entreat them to display the benefits of their masculinity in their relationships.  Healthy masculinity is thoughtful, balanced, kind, and courageous. These qualities, when nurtured by the thoughtful accentuation of a loving TiH make for a complete relationship dynamic that provides for the emotional needs of everybody under the roof.  Personally the way I see it, the onus falls upon me as the HoH to ensure that I not only be unapologetic in my healthy expressions of manhood... I must also do it right... I must be an example to two growing boys and show them that the way one carries oneself speaks volumes not just about themselves, but their families as well.  I want to teach my sons that being a real man isn't about being the flashiest or loudest, it's not about treating others poorly or walking with a "swagger" it's not about being boastful, it's not about having a self-centered attitude... Being a man is about confidence, poise, intelligence, grace, kindness, RESPONSIBILITY, and with a grace and thoughtfulness that speaks to the quality of person he is.

I will also admit that I do have certain hobbies and pass-times... I am an avid sports fan.... (love basketball and football)  I love reading, I love to cook. I also understand that as the head of my home, that sometimes these hobbies and interests that I have accrued over a lifetime, need to be put aside in order for my wife and children to benefit from my presence. Family time also seems to be an area where many modern families struggle in a variety of ways.  Just as surely as a child needs a mother, a child surely needs a father. Sadly,  one does not have to look very far in order to see the evidence displayed in homes where a father or father figure is not present. It really does break my heart to see children, but especially young men adrift and rudderless without the guidance, mentoring and a strong but compassionate voice of experience that helps guide and shape them.  There comes a time when we must put away the things that distract us, sacrifice our time, energy, and attention and provide a better product to the people that depend on us. 

                                                   

Now that we've discussed the responsibilities of men, there are a few other things I would like to say to the Media, to society, to our school systems and yes even to ladies everywhere... There are some things that many men do that, to put quite mildly, are ridiculous. Being inattentive to one's loved ones is obviously wrong. Some of the things I mentioned in paragraph one go beyond basic irritation at the media and society at large.  I recognize that the male sex does have particular challenges,  but I guess my question becomes: Why do we expect boys and men not to be boys and men? It even starts at school on the playground, and I know I've previously mentioned this, but why is it so wrong to play tag or cops and robbers?  Some would say that the trouble comes when boys stay boys and never become men.  Those people would be right.

In order to galvanize and develop healthy masculinity in boys and enrich them to the point of producing quality men, we must all play a roll.  Realistic expectations, firm guidance, and leadership, both male and female is a requirement for male children.  Jumping forward to the future, men must recognize the characteristics that make masculinity important and relevant.  These are some of the things that a man, (especially a man in a DD/TTWD relationship) must espouse on a daily basis.

- Integrity

-Intelligence

-Honor

-Discipline

-Fidelity

-Courageousness

-Experience

-Love

-Thoughtfulness

These things and many more are what defines how a man is perceived by not just the world, but his family as well. By being thoughtful, thorough, and tangible we not only better ourselves and our families, we improve the world around us as well.

                                                                                             

Her POV:

      

 Ward is without a doubt the finest man I have ever known. He is kind, he is sweet, he is considerate, he is empathetic and compassionate. He is strong, and he is unquestionably the leader of this family.

You will have heard me say before that he is possessing of quiet command. He is not loud, he is not boisterous, he is not vulgar. He doesn't have to be. The man only needs to walk into a room to garner attention. He exudes confidence and a certain very masculine magnetism.

He would, as the song says, walk on water, walk through fire, and literally give up his life to be all that he could. My Daddy is a man who does not need to sing his own praises (I'll do that for him), he proves in every thought, every deed, every word, ever action what kind of a man he is, and the great capacity of his heart.

He took a woman so broken, and he made me whole. He took two children with greater than average challenges, and he loved them in a way they have never, ever been loved by another man. He is teaching them about truth and integrity and honesty, and what a man's word means. Daddy is the greatest gift I have ever been given, and because the creator saw fit to put him in my life, I am able to give our children a gift of immeasurable value.

The ripples of my Daddy's strength and goodness will spread gently through the future in the actions of our sons, who learned what it means to be a man in the heart of this man I love with my all.

Appreciating the Little Things

                                              

Have you ever thought about the little things that your partner does to make your life, your home, and your world a better place to live in?  Upon realization of the impact that your love has, did you take the time to truly appreciate their effort to make life better, easier, and brighter for you?  If you've ever been out "people watching" as June and I sometimes do, I'm sure you've seen it, you know the difficult teenager, the ungrateful wife, the petulant child that didn't get exactly what they wanted. It makes me sad. I mean are we, as a society so far removed from each other that we can't recognized an honest effort to make each other happy?

                                             

 I have found that with June, she truly gets it. If I mention a dish my mom made when I was a child, she starts looking for recipes.  If I mention something I think is sexy she does it without thinking about it. Noticing these things, I can do no less than offer her my sincere thanks and make a deep and honest effort to reciprocate as often as I can.  When she mentions that her feet hurt, I rub them for her. When the kids become overly exuberant... I distract them for her.  Me, I personally think bringing your partner the little things that make them thrive is sexy... Maybe it sounds a little chauvinistic, but I love how domestic June is, she keeps our home comfortable, warm,  and she nourishes the minds and bodies of all under our roof and for that she will always have my deepest and frequently spoken appreciation.

                                                     

Sometimes it's being there for each other at the end of a long day, frequently my job drains me and even if she can't tend to my physical needs right  away she's always there with a hug, a kiss, and a cold glass of water... She gives me the 15 minutes I need, when I get home, to decompress and get ready to give  my family my best.  When we first became acquainted with each other, the first time I pretty much knew she was "the one" when I saw how she relished taking care of me. She had tears streaming down my cheeks when she took my hand and told me that she could love someone like me... Such a moment is so small, but so deep like the rings rippling outward from the stone. A microcosm unto itself, this moment huge in meaning small on the outside sparked the beginnings of something beautiful

                                                           
                                                                                                  


It is easy to imagine and even apply these concepts to a DD/TTWD relationship. When you think about it, that's what it's really all about isn't it? Taking the time to say thank you is a lost art in this country and at least in this house we will know reciprocity, selflessness and love. We will attempt to do not only the obvious gestures but the small ones as well. June my love, I honestly don't say thank you enough for all that you do, for all that you contribute, for all that you are. I strive to continually improve as your HoH, your husband, your leader, I want you to know how much you bring me and the boys. Thank you for being patient, giving, flexible, sweet and good-natured even when things are chaotic... You bring our home peace.

                                                  

We would suggest that there is much to be gained by exploring  the impact that you have on each other. Say thank you, and look to the memories you have made and search those small moments for the magic that makes a good couple into a great couple. Each day is a new opportunity for thankfulness, Reciprocity, Growth and Discovery! What will you find?  What will you say to each other? We would encourage you all in appreciating the little things that make our relationships big!

                                                          

Her POV:

 I know that I am hopelessly old-fashioned. I know that I am not politically correct. I know that I am excruciatingly happy. I love this man. When I see the weight of the world on his shoulders, I am compelled to ease his burden in the ways that I can, a touch, small considerations, closeness when he needs it, or space when he requires it. I wish to make our home a place of peace, a safe harbor. I love to cook and nourish my family, and pray for the strength to nourish their hearts, spirits and souls as well as their bodies.

There is nothing better than to hear him speak of a remembered moment of pleasure and be able to reproduce that for him. There is nothing better than seeing his eyes close and hear that happy sound as he takes a bite of butterscotch pie that his grandmother made and no one could replicate, or the oatmeal chocolate chip hazelnut cookies like his mom used to make, or a key lime pie he proclaims as the best in the world. These are very small things that I can do for him to not only tell him,but show him his worth to me.

A long time ago, another lifetime really, when I was going through a very difficult time and talking with a friend who was a Christian counselor, she told me that I was a righteous woman.  I looked up the quote she had recited, and found Proverbs 31. I appreciated her assessment and thought she was crazy, I was not that good. I was just me, and surely if I was that, I would have been enough for someone.

The concept intrigued me, though, and I researched more, trying to understand. I surely didn't believe that I was this woman - this was an ideal, a goal that I could strive for. I found a beautiful sermon that outlined the characteristics of this extraordinary woman: she is strong, while remaining graceful, poised and dignified; she is trustworthy; as a habit of life, she does good for her husband and family; she is industrious; she is compassionate, she has a husband worthy of respect; strength and dignity are hers; she looks to the future with a smile.

"This is not about size, weight, or magazine cover beauty. This is about character and lifestyle that will be a blessing to any husband or family. And this woman, a wise man will seek her or help her to become just such a woman." I am not this woman, but I strive to become like her. And with God's grace I was given a wise man to help me on my journey. He along with this wonderful life we live help me to be my truest self, and we were both given this community to support us on our journey.

Meme's of Ward and June that I love and really do kinda resemble us ;-)

 

Hands down my favorite. Forehead kisses are the best!

Mmmmmhmmmm, that about looks like us!

And just where is your other hand, Ward?? Yup, yup- that looks like us, too...no wonder I love to cook ;)

Yes in fact I do glow like that in the light of his love :)

 

 I love this one, too, they have a secret...wonder what it is?






Ward and June get naughty~!

               Ward! Not in front of our company, Dear!

Last one upstairs is a rotten egg!

HIS POV:
June has done a wonderful job of capturing the playful, soft and loving aspects of our relationship... We look cute together if I do say so myself!

Hungry for Each Other

                                                                

                                           

                                      

I've said it before and I'll say it again... One of the most important things a couple can do is make time for each other.  Life is busy and difficult enough as it is, but once we step past the threshold of our homes, life doesn't stop.  I'm tired often, sometimes very tired, but I know that I still have expectations to meet as the HoH of this family.  I make an effort to meet the challenges and needs of my family.  The boys have homework that needs to be done,  and as much as I love the boys, I'm going to be very honest... they are a load, June needs some time for herself.. As much as I'd love to go grab a beer and sit down to Sports Center, I know that it benefits our relationship when I ensure that she gets some time to reset, relax and do some things she wants to do, but it's more than that too.  Meeting the challenges of a TTWD/DD relationship has many benefits and when we meet these challenges it keeps us hungry for each other. 

To me, being hungry means craving her in all ways.  I crave the sharpness of her mind (June is a smart cookie). She'll say she is just herself but she is much more creative and intelligent than she gives herself credit for. Her intelligence and her opinions often mirror my own and  I find the sharpness of her mind alluring. I crave her body,  She brings me much comfort and delight at the end of long days. Her warm, waiting embrace and pleasurable form bring me much pleasure and delight. I crave her spirit. Her warmth and her kindness inspire me often... I know I may be biased folks, but in truth June is the finest woman that I have ever had the privilege of knowing. Her dedication and vigilance to what we have and how we can learn from our mistakes and the wisdom of folks here touches me and make me want her close to me.

                                                                                                  

                                                       

 I'm pretty sure that not many of you would be surprised if I told you that I am a bit of a romantic. I think it's important to be available to one's partner mentally and physically.  Sometimes it's as simple as her saying "Honey I've had a hard day and I need to relieve some stress" or sometimes it's the fact that she knows me well enough to see what I need... Sometimes she crawls over my knee, sometimes she knows that what I need is much simpler, she knows her man's desire and just how to best satisfy it.

                                                          

 Staying hungry for each other is important part of  TTWD/DD or really any relationship.  The effort and time that both partners put into truly giving each other their best, becomes a vital skill that pays dividends in both the long and short term. 

-  A deeper attentiveness
-  A deeper appreciation for the things we do for each other
-  An insanely high libido increase
-  A warmth that  spreads throughout our home
-  A understanding of each other that is deeper for each other
-  A deep desire to only improve, even through setbacks or disagreements, a true hunger for each other.


                                                  



Finding time or making time for each other remains a priority, even with the kids, school, work and making ends meet, we continue to find ways to show each other how important we are.  We highly recommend exploring your options and finding ways to show each other how you feel and what emotions and passion that you evoke in each other.  Send the kids to grandma's, Check out that Bed and Breakfast, plan a romantic weekend away. The time we give our partners is precious. Give each other your best!

                                                      

Her POV:

Ward is a very effective leader, both in his work life and his home life. He is caring, compassionate, intuitive, firm and consistent. When he shares the things he does, it is not someone just hypothesizing, he shares what works for us because he walks his talk. This is a most amazing thing for me... I've never had anyone who did that before.This is intimacy...intimacy is not a quick tumble in the blankets, intimacy begins in the mind and in the heart.

Which brings to mind another thought...and old thought....one of June's favorite thoughts....redundant much?  Reciprocity! (Oh, stop that groaning!) I have said over the last few posts, that I enjoy serving Ward, and I enjoy doing things for him with a full, loving and submissive heart. It can make the simplest of acts an act of love and submission.It can make the larger acts of submission a prayer.

Where is the reciprocity? He serves me as well. When he sees me take a deep breath and close my eyes because I have listened to my 7,463rd whine of the day, and he steps in and handles it, or takes the task from my hand and tells me to go take a break, or he tells me to sit so he can do the dishes, or pulls the laundry basket between us and starts folding, or senses my sense of agitation and takes my hand and leads me to our room and closes the door and pulls me across his lap....when he texts me an instruction because he knows I revel in his Dominance, he is taking the time to show that he knows- feels- sees- acknowledges and cares about all the things that affect me. He is quick to kiss a - but you had a hard day, too - protest straight off my lips (YUMMY), pat me on the butt and send me off so that I can be my best for him and for us. 

Am I hungry for him? All the bloody time. I long for the curve of his jaw, his stubble, his scent, his touch, his laugh, his voice, his humor, his patience in the hours he is absent. I crave it. My heart squeezes when he sighs and rolls out of the bed for work, and it never really stops till he walks back in the door. He is my first thought in the morning, my last thought at night, he fills my dreams, he fills my heart. And what we create...it feeds him, it feeds me, it feeds our children and shows them that life can be extraordinary.

Butthurt

                                                                                                             

                                                            

No, I don't mean a bottom that is actually hurting.... or what might lead to a bottom hurting...

I'm talking about hurt feelings.  I think that it goes without saying that anyone that is or has ever been in a relationship has either said something hurtful or been told something that perhaps didn't agree with their ideas or emotional state.  I think both parties in a relationship need to be aware that the words they use have the power to affect their partner's attitude and response to those words.

Sometimes situations are difficult. Sometimes there are truths that we need to hear. Sometimes difficult choices have to be made and  in these situations it is easy to miscommunicate and hurt someone's feelings. I think open honest communication can in many cases prevent or minimize emotional damage. I think it is important for both people to make a strong and significant effort to listen and not marginalize.  A good partner finds a way, even when it is difficult to take the time to truly listen.

                                                                                
                                               

We can never really take words back once they leave our mouths. Now having said that, I realize that it is definitely possible to hurt somone's feelings unintentionally. So now what? Do we have a nervous laugh? Do we just say "They'll get over it"? No, even when we accidently harm with our words, the onus is on us to make it right.

Making it right is more than just a simple apology. Making it right means not just saying, but showing our partner that what is important to them is important to us. HoH's need to be especially attentive to this...guys, make every effort to show your lady that you are man enough to admit when you made a mistake, apologize earnestly. Ladies, ensure your guy understands that you support him, even through the difficult choices and be aware of the impact of your words as well.  We all have busy lives, but making time to make things right isn't just the sign of someone who cares, it is the cleansing of the slate and an opportunity to learn and become stronger as individuals, as a couple and as a family unit.

                                                       

Here are a few things that I believe make the apology process easier:

- Eye Contact - This one is a make or break... Eye contact is critical

- The time to do it - If there isn't time... Make time, this is somthing that needs to be done sooner rather than later.

- A quiet place - If need be, go to your room and close the door, turn off your phone, turn off the tv... make sure that you won't be interupted

- Sincerity - understand what is on your partners mind and show them that you understand what they need from you here and now.

Learning from these experiences is actually a very valuable tool. We must seize the opportunities we are given to become stronger, and we must never let something - even something seemingly small come between us. I've said it before, but it bears repeating... simply put as vibrant and beautiful couples we just don't have time for the butthurt.

                                                      

Showing your partner that you can put aside your pride and admit that you are wrong is more than just valuable, it can enhance your time together and put you both right in the place where you need to be.

                                                            

Her POV:

The first time Ward apologized to me I was like a deer in the headlights. That just never happened to me before. I wasn't quite sure what I was supposed to do with that. I have always been the one who apologized... even when it wasn't my fault. I was not used to anyone else accepting responsibility in the relationship.

Our job when they come to us in this way is to accept with grace, and let them know that it is behind us...the slate is clean. Is that not the gift that they give to us - the gift of forgiveness and a clean slate?
We need to be able to put ourselves in their shoes and understand that it was not easy to come to us. We need to ask ourselves what we seek from them when we are in the wrong. We need to see that their apology is their way of expressing their love, and their dedication to our relationships over self.

They are just as human as we are. They make mistakes. And when they apologize they make themselves vulnerable, too. They need that feeling of absolution as much as we do. Imagine what it would feel like if you offered your heart and were rejected... the walls would be flying up, and we would be moving away from each other, instead of towards each other. When we have wrong our partner, no matter if you are the HoH or the TiH, we need the forgiveness and grace of our partner.

And as Ward said, I can't emphasize how important it is to stop and  listen to each other. Turn off all distractions, if there are other people around do go to your room. This is a huge opportunity to connect with our partners, to create intimacy, and to build our relationships even stronger.

What would I give him...

...this man who has my heart?

I offer him my complete deference...my "yes, Daddy."

                        

I offer him my obedience with what I hope is not the slightest of hesitation.

                                                    

I offer him humble acceptance of his loving correction and the reassurance of his discipline...even when it's difficult, even when I struggle...then I offer him the triumph of my stillness.




                                        


















I offer him my pleasure, for surely he is it's source.

        

I offer him my hand, with which to lead me.

                 

I offer him  my unfaltering step in following him.

                       

I offer him my shoulder when his burdens become heavy.

                  

I offer him my heart, bursting with love - the eternal spring he brings to our lives.

                                

I offer him my soul, the essence of who I am, because only with him am I who I was meant to be.

I offer him, my very life, trusting that I am safe in his hands. 

                                                     

I offer him my gratitude for his acceptance of these very humblest of gifts, the only things I have to offer....he accepts them with fervor, with reverence, with joy... these simple, homely things - he looks upon as though their value knew no bounds.

                                                 



What would I give him?

Simpler to ask what I would withhold.....nothing. I am his.

                                                     

...and it does, my love

HIS POV:    

I am truly humbled by June's offering of deepest love.  The desire to fill my world with light and to become that world as surely and deeply as the waters of the ocean.. this is what my wildest dreams are made of. To traipse along the outskirts of heaven and to dance along the cosmos in true unity it puts tears of love and joy in this man's eyes.