Dual Post Number 1 (Struggling in your Role)

Hello ladies and gentlemen, We would like to invite you to come and explore a few very important issues in the first of a long line of posts that we will both be writing together.  You are used to both of us  giving our Points of View, but we thought that it might be nice for us to to collaborate on a topic.  We hope that you find this particular post to be a valuable tool in your own relationship.

Sometimes  it's hard to maintain one's role.  Sometimes It's even harder to fight down the seemingly small urges that we may develop to pull away from our partners and put up walls.  Distance doesn't work and the longer we maintain a distance, the deeper the strain on our relationships become.  So then what is the answer?

If you guessed communication, I am suitably impressed by your insight, and commend your  wisdom and prudence!  In all seriousness, from this HoH's perspective, I value when June comes to me and communicates exactly what she needs, and when she needs it.  I must also appreciate the effort that it takes to come forward with an issue as well as understanding the newness of this feeling. In many instances, June didn't have the opportunity to talk openly and honestly about what she needed. Sometimes it would be easier to be stand-offish, distant, snappy, or outright rude to each other, but I think we all know, that that isn't the answer.

It would seem that the best thing to do is talk openly and honestly about what we need without expecting the other person to be psychic or perfect and to do so without being manipulative or overly expectant without fully vocalizing what we truly need.  Honesty, and effort count for a lot, especially when we are already tired from day to day life... Listening intently is a big first step, but honest and realistic communication are also important.  I have many skills, but I'll be the first to admit that I am not a mind reader, knowing this I also know that I have to make myself available and admit my own errors... Nobody is perfect, but we must all keep ourselves accountable and act accordingly.

(June here) What do you mean you're not psychic?  You know me very well, and sometimes it does seem that you're psychic. But as much as we keep each other center and the most important thing to each other, I have to acknowledge that you need transition time, that after a long day at a job that wears on you that you may not have all your faculties at their sharpest

At those times I could communicate that I need something, or I could get short and stroppy and all in a snit - and then I don't get the gg I may be seeking and instead get one of those spankings I don't want, and that really takes away from our evening. It never really gets in the way, you don't let it. You take us past the point that there are any secrets or unspoken feelings or slights, nothing to take root and fester. I appreciate that - though at the time I may be holding tightly onto whatever insecurities or needs that I have thinking I am saving you....from what??? I have to ask when my mind is far more rational....from a peaceful night? From a soft, submitted woman?

I truly don't understand why I sometimes hold with a death grip to those walls and vestiges of distance - they feel horrid. Sometimes it is hard to get past that point, and as much as I may be ambivalent about the "we have all night, little one, let me in" when it is spoken, I am grateful that you push me to the place that I am most comfortable. I'm not perfect, I am far from perfect. The thing I appreciate most is that you understand that, don't demand that, and help me even those times that I will not ask.

The other times, most times, I will ask. You are my man, you are my Daddy....if our dynamic was different I would be comfortable calling you my Master.... you are master of my heart and soul - you are my lover, you are my leader, you are my world. If I cannot trust you to help me, even if it takes time, even if it is painful, who can I trust?  I trust no one more. So I come, with an implement, or a weight on my shoulders and lay myself across your lap, or into your arms and lay my wet cheeks into the crook of your neck, and I know that I am home, and I know that the pain is transitory, and I know that your love will permeate my heart, and push out all that does not belong.  I lay myself in your hands, and that is home.

June love, you know me as well as I do and I know you need time for yourself, with two active boys that demand attention and care you routinely impress me with your "Mom skills" and make the time and effort to ensure that our home is clean, and comfortable and for that I thank you.

You are my woman, my love, my mate,  my heart, my submissive and I would call you  my slave where it so. You are my lover, my best friend, my universe and I am so very grateful that you allow me to guide and lead you. You have given me the privilege and responsibility of guarding your heart. Your confidence in my leadership and your warmth even when you are tired, and I am not at my best warms my heart and when you are wrapped up in Daddy's embrace... that is indeed home.

Sometimes the death grip is evidence of your need for my love, even when it hurts you know that I am not going anywhere and if it takes me proving that everyday of forever you know that despite fatigue and frustration, despite the fears that need to be overcome, that you have my deepest love and that I will give you my whole heart, kiss away the tears, and reach out through the darkness to bring you home.

As evidenced by the unity displayed, let us design to entreat each other with love and fullness. When we struggle we can only learn from our mistakes and grow from them. To give each other the depth and richness deserved in great relationship we cannot and will not settle for less, we will not short change each other, even when I am tired, or it is difficult to speak we will both stand up for each other and what is ours!

Daddy, I can't think of a moment that I do not ache with need for you. I crave that closeness, the warmth of your skin on mine, your breath on my hair, your lips to my forehead, I crave the way I feel with you, the smallness, the safeness, the security... it is what I have never had, and sometimes I feel that fear that I could lose it so intensely, that is where my walls come from, but you know that. For whatever ridiculous reason the day throws up in my path, somehow I see you walking the other way, even though you never have. And the walls come up to protect myself.... ridiculous to protect yourself from the person you most want in the world.

These are the times my submission slips, those times I feel my vulnerability and like the emperor realize I have no clothes - nothing to protect myself, but from what? You protect me from everything - even myself.  Yes, I sometimes need you to pull my submission out from behind the walls I construct, they only serve to harm me, harm you, harm us. These are the times I struggle to be my truest self. These are the times I am wrapped up so tight in my fear that I cannot breathe... until I take that step to ask for your help, or I find the strength to submit when you bid it, for just that moment it takes for you to grip the wall and begin to pull and when the walls come crashing down, you are always there to shield me, to protect me, and to put my heart back together. How could I ever navigate through this world without you?

You ask me at those times is not your love enough? Is not your grace enough? Have you not proven your truth in love for me? It is enough, and you have proven beyond any measure. And for a while it is enough to quiet the voice that says I am not enough and I do not deserve you. I thank you for your diligence and your steadfastness, and that you do not weary of teaching me, of erasing a lifetime of belief in fallacy, of cultivating my submissive heart, of letting me find home for the first time, and I thank you, most simply and yet most profoundly, for loving me.

My sweet June, I can feel it when you struggle, and my heart near threatens to burst in my chest.  It is my job to fulfill you, to love you and to lift you when you struggle to walk beside you and give you my best even when things aren't easy, I will take that step to put the world down and pick you up, to bring the wall down and draw you out with a loving heart and a deep, loving desire to see you and our relationship lifted. I want to thank you again for letting me love you and for being submissive to me when I know it isn't always easy or fair. Your grace is amazing and I know that in my heart, I am a changed man for the better because of you. Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart... You are what I longed for in the days of my youth, and you are the comfort in my age... you are everything, my heart.

 It is easy to see that love in abundance is an important part of our relationship. We thank you all for reading and wanted to show you the real, raw side of Ward and June. We struggle too.  Sometimes we keep it close to the vest, sometimes we are quiet about it and don't blog about it until we have clearer eyes to assess the journey but, we also know that growth can be and is painful sometimes. We have learned that communicating our needs without preying on each other's emotions, or being manipulative is absolutely vital to our communication process.  Staying connected, even when we struggle is an art and we by no means have mastered it, but the one thing we take deep comfort in is knowing that we will be there for each other for the whole journey! Thanks for reading!

Privileges

I have been struggling with this post for a while. Then today we had a moment, Daddy and I. It's actually been an ongoing moment. You see, we have been hoping that things would gel and conditions would be right to let Daddy leave the military early. Well, things have happened, and Daddy injured his ankle. So he is now disallowed from the process that would have allowed him to leave and be with us, without interruption. So this turned from a post I am struggling with, into a submission exercise. I don't know if this will get published

When he came off the sub, he went to a temporary command waiting for orders. We were rather counting on the process resulting on his being released. He accepted orders to the closest support facility. Because of the boys, and the problems they have with adjustment, and the relatively short time till his contract is satisfied, the boys and I will not be going with him. I'm having a hard time with this. I thought we were done with separation forever.

What does that have to do with this post? I get angry. It's very un-June-like. I apologize. I don't know, as I said if this will get published. Right now this is for him. If it does and someone gets butthurt, I apologize in advance. This is June unfiltered. I'm making this for him and I. Oh, right - the post - keep getting off track.

I get angry. I read sometimes and sometimes just walking in the world-  and I see women with the advantage of waking up with their men every single day, with no worries of having him ripped away. I see women who say they want to submit and then fight their mens' leadership. And I get angry.

   

I wonder if they know the impossible odds of finding that one person who fits out of all this vast sea of humanity?  I wonder if they the feel the fit of his puzzle piece against theirs, snugging  the places that were loose and vulnerable and insecure, and making them strong and unified and safe?

I wonder if  they realize that they have a privilege? A privilege to wake up in the night and feel his heat at their back, to hear his snore. To walk back in from the bathroom and see the lump of his form under the covers and hopefully feel that swell of love burst in their chest, as they race across the floor to curl up against him in the dark. I wonder if they know what a privilege it is to reach a hand absently beside them and have the security of brushing his?

I wonder if they realize the privilege of making dinner for their family, and setting a place at the head of the table, of not having to gaze at that empty space and feel their heart break and stuff it down so the children do not see?

I wonder if they realize that, in most cases they brought DD to the table, asked him to lead. And if they cherish that he takes that responsibility seriously? I wonder if they consider their art, their acquiescence, rather than that knee-jerk contention? I wonder if they know how tenuous all of life is?

         

I wonder if they realize that they have the privilege of having that man next to them in this moment, and how many women do not have that luxury? I wonder if they understand how many women live in fear of that distance, of that separation? It's a simple thing. It's something no woman - no couple -  who loves so deeply and so genuinely should ever have endure. And I get angry.

I am selfish. I want that privilege of lack of fear. I am selfish. I admit it. I am flawed. I own that. I want my man right next to me. I want his voice and his guidance, and his love, every moment of every single day. I want the absence of fear. I want the privilege of bowing to him, I want the privilege of submitting to him, every moment of every day. I want the privilege of feeling myself under his hand. I want it. I crave it. I need it. No amount of being his will ever be enough.

And I wonder, do you know how lucky you are? Are you aware of the privileges you have?
           

 

HIS POV:    
It is a privilege to wake up every morning to lead our family and to see your heart ache so, June, it makes my eyes mist and water.. One day the military chapter of our life will be over and new challenges and blessings await us. Indeed it is a hard thing to watch others struggle so with the blessings that we lack and in the wake of these emotions anger is a very natural and normal reaction.

This post is a post about pure honesty and without putting names to it, we'd like to say that the emotions so rawly and obviously displayed here are not directed towards any one person or persons, it is not our intent to cause hard feelings but  we do readily wish to convey how we feel.

Sometimes it is hard dealing with these things, the desire for assurance and family are desires I have held since entering the military over a decade ago.. Still, I do these things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard and one day, someday I hope that our children can see that even when it was difficult, even when it was heartbreaking that I did my duty like an honorable man... Giving way to sacrifice, I love my family and  though I grind my teeth I can understand how you feel, I love you and thank you for your support even when the night was blackest and day was longest... I thank you for being who you are and for contributing heavily to who we are... thank you, my love.

The Gift of Time

                                                     

 There are 24 hours in a day. Just 24, no more, no less. Often it feels like there isn't enough of it to go around.  But, I would ask, Is there any gift more precious? The gift of one's time, passion, and energy are among the most precious gifts that we can give.  I think that's one of the things missing from many "modern" couples.  Sure we all have work to consider and then there is our own individual interest and stress to relieve. But there is one thing that I try to remain vigilant about.... that's love.  It's pretty easy to say that one loves another, but then again it's quite another thing to show it. Do I still go out with the guys after work and catch part of the game and take in a brew? Sure, but I also realize the value in giving people rain-checks and giving my family the time and attention that they require to grow.

                                                   

 It can be pretty easy to fall into a rut at times, or dare I say it... take each other for granted, but giving each other the time and attention that couples need.  Sometimes our domestic responsibilities and our schedules get hectic. Having two active school age children is a challenge at the best of times, but when you account for winter weather, the morning pokieness of our oldest, work, vehicles, people being under the weather, breakfast, lunch, bills, work  hmmm I'm sure I left some things out, but it's easy to see how even the most dedicated and vigilant could be overwhelmed and out of sorts at the end of a long, busy day.

                                                 

   

Sometimes the only real solution is to make time. No, I'm not a wizard and I realize that not everything is as simple as all that, but sometimes making the time to do even something just small can have HUMONGOUS benefits.  That's where it falls on us guys.  As an HoH I feel that it is my duty to assess the situation in the home, monitor stress and fatigue levels and when necessary to make time for my children or my woman when it is clear that they  need me to do so. My suggestions?  Kick her out of the kitchen and finish dinner, Take the kids out for a while so she can have a few hours to herself. Take the laundry basket from her and tell her to put her feet up and relax. 

                                                                                         

Sometimes making time means saying no to friends, canceling plans and knowing that sometimes  the best thing to do is to do nothing... No, no, I'm not sure you understand, nothing.  Sometimes nothing is disastrous, sometimes a weekend  of relaxation, and snuggling on the couch can be more productive than traveling too and from, running around like chickens without heads, and generally adding stress to the two days of the week where stress just don't have  a place.

                                                                    

Sadly, I can't just add 5 more hours or tack on two more days to the week, but what I can do is be attentive to my lady and her needs, spend time with my children and use what time we do have to bolster and nourish our ever-tightening bonds and feed the spirits and minds of the ones I hold dear.  I would encourage you all to find a way, or make a way to give each other and your families the attention that they require, need, deserve, and thrive from.  Who knows what you will discover?  Who knows what priceless moments are just waiting to be had?   Let each discovery you make bolster your efforts to be the best you can for each other.... Time's a wastin'

                                                               

Her POV: 

 There IS no greater gift we can give to each other. We all understand that principle with regard to our children. Better to give them your time, to show them they are worthy and valuable, than to buy all the latest gadgets. Why then would we give less to our families and to our partners? As our time nourishes our children, increases intimacy, increases trust and communication, so it does when we devote time to each other and to our relationships. When we give the gift of time, we also give the gift of understanding, we give refreshment to the soul, we relieve and wash away stress and strip away the world and all the things that do not belong and give shelter, safe harbor to our loved ones and let them be their best and most authentic selves.

Asking for Help vs Topping from the Bottom

                                                    

                                               

Today I would like to spend a few min talking about two topics that I feel can have profound effects on  DD/TTWD relationships. Topping from the bottom and asking for the help we need in order to not only function properly, but to feel comfortable in the roles of our dynamics.

Topping from the bottom is more than simply making a suggestion or two during the discourse of expressions of dominance and submission, spanking, maintenance or other activities designed to enhance our relationships, clear the air, maintain or express roles. Topping from the bottom is also emotional manipulation, talking over someone else, being deliberately passive aggressive, emotionally distant and or blatantly disobedient.  Thus defined, it becomes clear that topping from the bottom is a huge negative that cannot be allowed to create distance or emotional unrest.

                                                 

I guess from my own HoH perspective, I find it to be indicative of a lack of attention properly applied and paid to the one that we love the most.  I try very hard to make sure that I give June the attention that she needs in order for her to feel loved, confident and assured.  A cursory glance throughout the DD/TTWD/Spanking  lifestyle and relationship universe confirms that in many instances topping from the bottom occurs in a disrespectful and unhealthy fashion as well as disturbing frequency.

Topping from the bottom in a TTWD/DD relationship is not only disrespectful and rude, but it often times masks real emotions and hides the needs of all of those represented. When the time comes to express my role in our relationship I understand that I must be remain emotionally available, attentive and prepared to receive June's needs. Even when there is a need for correction or stress release, I know that more than just giving her what I wish her to feel, I must use my judgement to ascertain  what will be of the most benefit to not only her, but our relationship as well.

I am sometimes humbled and left in awe of the great gift of trust and responsibility that she places in my hands and I assure you ladies and gentlemen, that none of that is lost on me. I know that it takes a  whole lot of trust for her to be able to believe in me, and my intentions for not just her heart and mind, but to trust that I will give her body what it needs, no matter how difficult that may be to accept or go through. I really am humbled by this responsibility and would pass these values along to other men in the pursuit of  happier, healthier relationships!

                                        

Lets talk about physical application for a few moments... sometimes simply allowing ourselves to feel each other requires us to look where it's dark, where we have trouble, where we struggle. Sometimes the things that we need are difficult and navigating these issues with grace requires strength,  a ear that listens and the kind of deep honesty that doesn't sugar coat things that aren't easy to hear... This one goes both ways, by the way... Sometimes the greatest gift that June has given me has been her honesty... Her honesty when it would have been easier to do less, or to put the paddle down and scoop her up into my arms before she released the negativity and the walls had come down, but as we all know, what is easy and what is right are two different things.

The actual act of spanking always requires thought and action, but when the impact that is needed is more emotional than physical, it pays to consider every action, word, thought and deed. From the implements we use (yes even the ones that we don't like so much) to the positions (you know, the ones that help us feel the most submissive)  has to be thought out with thought and care.  Kind words, a soft touch following intensity, and an obvious display of affection and love are all very much required.  In truth you might say that  physicality is easier than emotion and thought and you would very much be right to say so. The physical expression of dominance and submission is just the active expression of two hearts longing to be in sync, indeed sometimes, a firm hand and rod wielded firmly with compassion and love helps to "Tune up the band" so to speak.

                                                      

I have known June long enough to understand her emotions and the way she expresses them. I try very hard to be attentive to her heart, mind, and body and generally speaking I hope that I do a good job of this. Sometimes though, I know when she has a hard time, that I need to be open to her expressing her need for help.  Help in feeling herself, in feeling me. The need for safety, warmth, and security when perhaps things aren't going well with work, school, the kids or life in general.  These are the times that she ask for help, I keep that door open and allow her to come to me anytime.  I guess the difference lies in intent.  Asking for help, and topping from the bottom differentiate themselves. Asking is proactive, asking is acknowledging that we are indeed not superhuman and that at times we need our partner to reach out, take our hand and lead and that despite what life has taught us, despite what the media portrays that it is in fact okay to do so!

We would encourage everyone to ask for help when they need it... It takes strength, heart and a willingness to acknowledge our own weakness, but there in lies the true strength and beauty of our relationships... To do so is to gain ground, growth and emotional providence in the face of stress, adversity and negativity.

                                                   

I'll end by saying that sometimes the hardest things to do are the ones that help us grow the most as a couple. I know that none of these things are easy, but I solemnly promise that they are worth every ounce of time, effort and self-exploration!

                                                                  

                                            

Her POV:

Before we were us, when we were still 'just friends' I asked Daddy if it was okay to ask for something...to try something, for more if needed, for action when it was needed and none seemed forthcoming, or if that was topping from the bottom. He said that no, he did not see it as topping from the bottom to present a need to your Dominant. You are merely helping him to know you and your needs. And you are not making demands, you are simply presenting him with your needs, which is what you are supposed to do... asking him to meet your needs.

The first time we were together, in the cuddling afterglow, I shared with him that he could spank harder. And he did. He wouldn't have known what I needed if I had not shared, but the application was entirely up to him. It was only providing a tool for him. I have continued to share, and he has learned me. I don't need to make as many requests. Because we have open honest and consistent communication, he is able to read my body language, the tone of my vice and give me what I need.

Had I manipulated, had I not been open and honest in expressing my needs he would not have an honest gauge. Manipulation is insidious, and sometimes too easy to do, and in my opinion comes from fear to open ourselves. If I am afraid to tell him I need something, I may think that if I mope, or cry or sigh that he will interpret that I need something. That doesn't always work, and it is manipulative, manipulating his emotions rather than simply saying, "Love, can you please help me, I feel..." Or even, "I don't know how I feel, but I'm not me, and I need to feel your Dominance. Or I need to feel my place. I need to feel safe and cared for. Please help me." It expresses humility, vulnerability and trust.

I am an emotional girl. I have lots of baggage. I have things I feel that I don't always understand. I often feel less, bad, scared. If I were not always honest with him when I felt that way, if I did not ask for his help to find my way through, is that not breaking one of the most fundamental rules of DD? To withhold my heart and my needs from him would be dishonesty, by design and/or omission. Not healthy, and knowing that there was something there and trying to get his reaction without honest communication? - that's topping from the bottom.

I am grateful that he allows me the honesty to give him my heart and my fears and my needs I submit them to him, and I put my trust in him to lead me through.

Lesson learned, fear shed

Part of our relationships are about growth and learning. Sometimes that is not a painless process. I have had several great revelations throughout my relationship with Ward. I just had another one... it shook me with it's magnitude and it shook him, at first negatively, thinking that I doubted him. Then, when I reached the conclusion, we began to rebuild with a new understanding.

It started with a question..."Daddy, do you think I'm real?" No, that wasn't like, do you think I'm too good to be true, that was, do you think I am genuine or a faker? "I'm afraid that the mask will fall away and that I will be ugly underneath." And it was met with the words that cut me to the core and make me bleed my faithlessness. "Why are you afraid to see the positive? Is not my love good? Does blessing not find you?"

Why would I think such a thing? I came from a woman with a dark heart. She could love no one but her self. My father...very distant... I think.... still do, though he denies it, that there is a distance because I was born from that darkness. I spent most of my life not knowing how to be, but having a vivid example of what not to be, how not to do things, how not to treat people. I have a recurring dream of her, one that wakes me up screaming, her head on the body of a viper, that sly, portentous smile that harbored the most impure of intents. She was mistress of disguise to entrap, then she attacked and destroyed.






I, myself, in this life have borne many masks. They were the masks I wore when I was told that I was not enough, to keep a love that did not really exist. My fingers curled from the burden of carrying these masks throughout my life. When I found this man who loved me in a genuine way, in an ever-growing, deep and abiding way, I waited to be not enough. We got past that hurdle. Then I began to fear that I was full of guile, that I would shed a mask one day and he would see the 'real me' and be disgusted.






And as we talked, and his words braided into the lifeline that I have come to rely on, I saw that my hands were empty...for the first time ever, my fingers are unfurled and unburdened. I carry no mask, I hold no guile...with him, I am an open heart. I have always stood naked before him, because for him, I have always been enough. And the realization that struck me like thunder? I'm afraid to be her. I'm afraid that having come from her, she will slither out of my soul. But he has taught me, enough that I can feel it, enough that I can see it, enough that I can believe it....I am not her. My heart is not dark. I will not break open and spill venom on those that I love because I bear none.




And this man, whom I love with all that I am and all that I have gives me the gift of freedom. He reaches beyond the wounds that my fear and insecurity cause to him to heal me.

Thank you, Daddy. I don’t have to be afraid anymore. I AM naked before you, there is nothing to fall away. You have always given me the freedom, the gift of being my true self for the first time ever. There were burdens I bore and masks I wore before in vain attempts to be loved. But you long ago stripped me of artifice. I feel lighter, and I have shed another fear. 

No other love in all of the world... in all of my life, there's been no other love. 

HIS POV:
June, came to me damaged in a deep and profound way. The impact that this negative person she speaks of is obvious sometimes even during joy.  I am so thankful that you have learned to let me in and let me show you the light which that person tried to hide from the world.. I saw it right away and even when you struggled... it was there.  You are my true love and greatest blessing and I thank God so much for you! Thank you for letting me take the burden from your shoulders and lead you to a place of light and love. It is a true blessing to love you!

Natural Submissive?

When I first started seeking TTWD, I didn't know that I was seeking TTWD. I had no name for it, I knew what I wanted, what I needed, but I had never, in the available outlets seen it talked about. I started exploring where I could envision searching, in the realm of BDSM. It had some elements, but it did not satisfy that deep hunger, and was somewhat more ....intense than I wished to go. I searched the spanking sites, and the Christian DD sites (yes there are some). But most of the contact I received were for hook-ups. I am not a hook-up kind of girl. I need substance, and I need depth and longevity. If I am to give this much of myself to another, should that not be there?





I did play with several people, non-sexually, impact play only, there was not enough there to wish for more in depth interaction. I had very strict limits, I said no a lot, but within the context of consent I was anticipatory.







I heard a phrase repeatedly, one that you heard Daddy say in the last post, "natural submissive". I did not understand what that meant, so I googled it - (Google is our friend). This is what I found:
A natural submissive is born with a submissive nature. A need to please others. This need and submissive tendency goes beyond sexual gratification. It is in their nature to please others, and they will readily give up their control to another with very little or no urging from their dominant.






 I did pretty much come this way. I don't know if it is a natural inclination, or one that was instilled in me, trying to win the love of a woman who was not capable of giving it, or to find someone who would be pleased just because I existed. If I heard you say you liked a particular dish, I would learn to make it. If I knew you were tired, you'd come home to a clean house. If I heard you talking about a health concern and you couldn't connect with a doctor, I would research it. I need to be able to make things right, to make things easy for people - whether I like you or not. I always just attributed it to a sense of fairness, no on e should suffer if someone can help, which is why faerie's post A Sub By Any Other Name really struck a chord with me.

You've heard me say before, I'm just me - perfectly imperfect just me. I had a friend, who took umbrage at the fact that I do find submission easy - a lot of that has to do with who Ward is. I think submission is a choice. It is certainly my choice, and for me a relief to be able to be who I am, to not have to bear armor that wearies me. She would say that not all of us are perfect. I said I am certainly not perfect. And truth be told, I have a great deal of respect for women who struggle with their submission. To my it's as though when something costs you something to give, it has more value, if that makes sense.





I ask Ward all the time, what does he get out of this? Because I get so very much. I do not want to be bottomless. I do not want this all to be about me - it feels that way sometimes. Maybe because I don't understand what exactly he feels, what it gives him. He gave me more of a glimpse in the last post. I imagine it is hard for him to put it into words. For me, it is hard to describe, it is visceral, it's a feeling, a heartbeat.





As I got to know Ward, I realized that this was my One. This was the person that I could let all the walls down with. This is the person who would see me for who I was, and accept me, and nurture me. Ward touched the place of submission in my heart. If you knew me in the world before Ward, I was kind of stodgy, stiff-lipped, maybe even a little cold, maybe even just a wee lil bit sarcastic, a tad snarky.. No one got everything except my children - until Ward. He is not only pleased simply because I exist, he's grateful. The more I give, the more he embraces it - embraces me, and the more I want to give.






I have always striven to find the words to express how it feels, and I think while running errands, sitting at a red light, gathering wool, the perfect descriptive occurred to me. When I drink wine, I feel a warmth that spreads from my belly outwards, through my limbs to my fingers. It is a lazy, luxurious, relaxed feeling. It lowers my inhibitions. It wraps my mind like a soft blanket - warm and fuzzy. Being submissive to Ward is like this, warm, comfortable, pleasurable and intoxicating.





Am I a natural submissive? Shrugs. I am just me. I love my man, and I thrive in giving him my essence.








HIS POV:  
It is a true honor to have witnessed the beauty and be gifted with the glory that comes with such a splendid gift.  The ease of her submission, the completeness of her emotion and the comfort of such fills a man with a pride not before seen.  She may not be a natural submissive, but she is MY submissive and the intoxicating fuzzy feelings that she describe go for me too. It is is an intoxicating melody that plays in my heart, and again, I owe it all to the lovely Ms. June.

Dependence

I've been thinking - again - told you I was dangerous. In Change, Growth, Trust and Submission I asked, "The only worry that I have - and I ask him all the time - is this too much? Do I lean too much? Is the burden too heavy? Because having to do that, to carry that wears on me. But my man - he thrives on it."

I know that when he is away, when he cannot be here, when I cannot lean, it is daunting. I know that by the end of the day I feel like I've been run over a cheese grater a couple of thousand times, I'm numb and tired. I know there are a lot of us whose spouses travel, myself, Stormy, mouse, Grace, Riley. And as seems to happen so often, there is a vein of thought running through the community, and not necessarily in posts, but in our conversations with each other in the comments.

I need Ward. And it seems that needs grows proportionally with the growth of my submission. All of the bloggers I mentioned above have made similar observations, as well as faerie and Susie. The longer we do TTWD, the more I lean. In a world where it seems women are considered weak when they are dependent, we thrive as we become more dependent. That statement would outrage feminists everywhere.

Like so many of the words that have relevance to submissive women, the word dependent seems to bear a negative meaning. As defined in the dictionary, dependence is a noun meaning:

1. The state of being dependent, as for support.
2.  Subordination to someone or something needed or greatly desired.
3. The state of being determined, influenced, or controlled by something else. 
4. A compulsive or chronic need; an addiction.

Well that IS kind of bristly, isn't it? I personally dislike the word subordinate. And the rest of those are just not very much better. Ahhh, but wait...

     5. Trust; reliance. (reliance is defined as: The faith, confidence, or trust felt by one who relies)

Well, there we are. That sounds much more like us. I don't depend on Ward because I must. I depend on Ward because I trust him. I depend on Ward because he is honorable. I depend on Ward because I trust him more than anyone on this earth. I trust Ward with my life. I trust Ward with the children I brought into our relationship. I have faith in his leadership.

So, no, I don't feel less because I depend on my man. I feel blessed that I can. I enjoy it. And that seems purely selfish. So my worry, remains, not that I am dependent, but that it will exhaust my Ward, because it is not my aim to take away from him, but to fill him, to support him, to serve him, to love him with all that I am.


HIS POV:
June honors me with her trust and faith.  Every day that we are together, we live for each other and her sentiments in this regard reflect that.  She often ask me if it's too much, to which I smile and reassure her that it is in fact not too much at all, and that it is my greatest privilege to be the head of our family. To guide, protect, nurture, love and discipline is my job and she enables me to do this so very well... even when I am away from home for long periods of time. Our dependence on each other is a beautiful piece of our life together and I wouldn't have it any other way.