The Gift of Time

                                                     

 There are 24 hours in a day. Just 24, no more, no less. Often it feels like there isn't enough of it to go around.  But, I would ask, Is there any gift more precious? The gift of one's time, passion, and energy are among the most precious gifts that we can give.  I think that's one of the things missing from many "modern" couples.  Sure we all have work to consider and then there is our own individual interest and stress to relieve. But there is one thing that I try to remain vigilant about.... that's love.  It's pretty easy to say that one loves another, but then again it's quite another thing to show it. Do I still go out with the guys after work and catch part of the game and take in a brew? Sure, but I also realize the value in giving people rain-checks and giving my family the time and attention that they require to grow.

                                                   

 It can be pretty easy to fall into a rut at times, or dare I say it... take each other for granted, but giving each other the time and attention that couples need.  Sometimes our domestic responsibilities and our schedules get hectic. Having two active school age children is a challenge at the best of times, but when you account for winter weather, the morning pokieness of our oldest, work, vehicles, people being under the weather, breakfast, lunch, bills, work  hmmm I'm sure I left some things out, but it's easy to see how even the most dedicated and vigilant could be overwhelmed and out of sorts at the end of a long, busy day.

                                                 

   

Sometimes the only real solution is to make time. No, I'm not a wizard and I realize that not everything is as simple as all that, but sometimes making the time to do even something just small can have HUMONGOUS benefits.  That's where it falls on us guys.  As an HoH I feel that it is my duty to assess the situation in the home, monitor stress and fatigue levels and when necessary to make time for my children or my woman when it is clear that they  need me to do so. My suggestions?  Kick her out of the kitchen and finish dinner, Take the kids out for a while so she can have a few hours to herself. Take the laundry basket from her and tell her to put her feet up and relax. 

                                                                                         

Sometimes making time means saying no to friends, canceling plans and knowing that sometimes  the best thing to do is to do nothing... No, no, I'm not sure you understand, nothing.  Sometimes nothing is disastrous, sometimes a weekend  of relaxation, and snuggling on the couch can be more productive than traveling too and from, running around like chickens without heads, and generally adding stress to the two days of the week where stress just don't have  a place.

                                                                    

Sadly, I can't just add 5 more hours or tack on two more days to the week, but what I can do is be attentive to my lady and her needs, spend time with my children and use what time we do have to bolster and nourish our ever-tightening bonds and feed the spirits and minds of the ones I hold dear.  I would encourage you all to find a way, or make a way to give each other and your families the attention that they require, need, deserve, and thrive from.  Who knows what you will discover?  Who knows what priceless moments are just waiting to be had?   Let each discovery you make bolster your efforts to be the best you can for each other.... Time's a wastin'

                                                               

Her POV: 

 There IS no greater gift we can give to each other. We all understand that principle with regard to our children. Better to give them your time, to show them they are worthy and valuable, than to buy all the latest gadgets. Why then would we give less to our families and to our partners? As our time nourishes our children, increases intimacy, increases trust and communication, so it does when we devote time to each other and to our relationships. When we give the gift of time, we also give the gift of understanding, we give refreshment to the soul, we relieve and wash away stress and strip away the world and all the things that do not belong and give shelter, safe harbor to our loved ones and let them be their best and most authentic selves.

Asking for Help vs Topping from the Bottom

                                                    

                                               

Today I would like to spend a few min talking about two topics that I feel can have profound effects on  DD/TTWD relationships. Topping from the bottom and asking for the help we need in order to not only function properly, but to feel comfortable in the roles of our dynamics.

Topping from the bottom is more than simply making a suggestion or two during the discourse of expressions of dominance and submission, spanking, maintenance or other activities designed to enhance our relationships, clear the air, maintain or express roles. Topping from the bottom is also emotional manipulation, talking over someone else, being deliberately passive aggressive, emotionally distant and or blatantly disobedient.  Thus defined, it becomes clear that topping from the bottom is a huge negative that cannot be allowed to create distance or emotional unrest.

                                                 

I guess from my own HoH perspective, I find it to be indicative of a lack of attention properly applied and paid to the one that we love the most.  I try very hard to make sure that I give June the attention that she needs in order for her to feel loved, confident and assured.  A cursory glance throughout the DD/TTWD/Spanking  lifestyle and relationship universe confirms that in many instances topping from the bottom occurs in a disrespectful and unhealthy fashion as well as disturbing frequency.

Topping from the bottom in a TTWD/DD relationship is not only disrespectful and rude, but it often times masks real emotions and hides the needs of all of those represented. When the time comes to express my role in our relationship I understand that I must be remain emotionally available, attentive and prepared to receive June's needs. Even when there is a need for correction or stress release, I know that more than just giving her what I wish her to feel, I must use my judgement to ascertain  what will be of the most benefit to not only her, but our relationship as well.

I am sometimes humbled and left in awe of the great gift of trust and responsibility that she places in my hands and I assure you ladies and gentlemen, that none of that is lost on me. I know that it takes a  whole lot of trust for her to be able to believe in me, and my intentions for not just her heart and mind, but to trust that I will give her body what it needs, no matter how difficult that may be to accept or go through. I really am humbled by this responsibility and would pass these values along to other men in the pursuit of  happier, healthier relationships!

                                        

Lets talk about physical application for a few moments... sometimes simply allowing ourselves to feel each other requires us to look where it's dark, where we have trouble, where we struggle. Sometimes the things that we need are difficult and navigating these issues with grace requires strength,  a ear that listens and the kind of deep honesty that doesn't sugar coat things that aren't easy to hear... This one goes both ways, by the way... Sometimes the greatest gift that June has given me has been her honesty... Her honesty when it would have been easier to do less, or to put the paddle down and scoop her up into my arms before she released the negativity and the walls had come down, but as we all know, what is easy and what is right are two different things.

The actual act of spanking always requires thought and action, but when the impact that is needed is more emotional than physical, it pays to consider every action, word, thought and deed. From the implements we use (yes even the ones that we don't like so much) to the positions (you know, the ones that help us feel the most submissive)  has to be thought out with thought and care.  Kind words, a soft touch following intensity, and an obvious display of affection and love are all very much required.  In truth you might say that  physicality is easier than emotion and thought and you would very much be right to say so. The physical expression of dominance and submission is just the active expression of two hearts longing to be in sync, indeed sometimes, a firm hand and rod wielded firmly with compassion and love helps to "Tune up the band" so to speak.

                                                      

I have known June long enough to understand her emotions and the way she expresses them. I try very hard to be attentive to her heart, mind, and body and generally speaking I hope that I do a good job of this. Sometimes though, I know when she has a hard time, that I need to be open to her expressing her need for help.  Help in feeling herself, in feeling me. The need for safety, warmth, and security when perhaps things aren't going well with work, school, the kids or life in general.  These are the times that she ask for help, I keep that door open and allow her to come to me anytime.  I guess the difference lies in intent.  Asking for help, and topping from the bottom differentiate themselves. Asking is proactive, asking is acknowledging that we are indeed not superhuman and that at times we need our partner to reach out, take our hand and lead and that despite what life has taught us, despite what the media portrays that it is in fact okay to do so!

We would encourage everyone to ask for help when they need it... It takes strength, heart and a willingness to acknowledge our own weakness, but there in lies the true strength and beauty of our relationships... To do so is to gain ground, growth and emotional providence in the face of stress, adversity and negativity.

                                                   

I'll end by saying that sometimes the hardest things to do are the ones that help us grow the most as a couple. I know that none of these things are easy, but I solemnly promise that they are worth every ounce of time, effort and self-exploration!

                                                                  

                                            

Her POV:

Before we were us, when we were still 'just friends' I asked Daddy if it was okay to ask for something...to try something, for more if needed, for action when it was needed and none seemed forthcoming, or if that was topping from the bottom. He said that no, he did not see it as topping from the bottom to present a need to your Dominant. You are merely helping him to know you and your needs. And you are not making demands, you are simply presenting him with your needs, which is what you are supposed to do... asking him to meet your needs.

The first time we were together, in the cuddling afterglow, I shared with him that he could spank harder. And he did. He wouldn't have known what I needed if I had not shared, but the application was entirely up to him. It was only providing a tool for him. I have continued to share, and he has learned me. I don't need to make as many requests. Because we have open honest and consistent communication, he is able to read my body language, the tone of my vice and give me what I need.

Had I manipulated, had I not been open and honest in expressing my needs he would not have an honest gauge. Manipulation is insidious, and sometimes too easy to do, and in my opinion comes from fear to open ourselves. If I am afraid to tell him I need something, I may think that if I mope, or cry or sigh that he will interpret that I need something. That doesn't always work, and it is manipulative, manipulating his emotions rather than simply saying, "Love, can you please help me, I feel..." Or even, "I don't know how I feel, but I'm not me, and I need to feel your Dominance. Or I need to feel my place. I need to feel safe and cared for. Please help me." It expresses humility, vulnerability and trust.

I am an emotional girl. I have lots of baggage. I have things I feel that I don't always understand. I often feel less, bad, scared. If I were not always honest with him when I felt that way, if I did not ask for his help to find my way through, is that not breaking one of the most fundamental rules of DD? To withhold my heart and my needs from him would be dishonesty, by design and/or omission. Not healthy, and knowing that there was something there and trying to get his reaction without honest communication? - that's topping from the bottom.

I am grateful that he allows me the honesty to give him my heart and my fears and my needs I submit them to him, and I put my trust in him to lead me through.

Why I submit

I defer to Ward in our everyday life. There is a softness in my heart for him. I do things that serve him and our family. I take pleasure in making our home a place of comfort and respite. I enjoy them coming home from school and work to a home filled with warmth and the smells of good foods cooking and baking, and the underlying scent of lavender. I enjoy the looks of pleasure on their faces when they sink into home. That is this thing that we create. It doesn't matter where it is. It can be on vacation. It can be with family. Where ever we four are together, we are home.

In this place, in our home, we serve each other - it is our way. I will bring laundry into the living room and he will pull the basket between us and fold. I will see his glass empty and get up to refill it. He will pull my feet into his lap and massage my feet and legs. I will sit at his feet and take his boots off when he comes home and do the same, or slide behind him and massage his neck and shoulders. This is us. This is everyday.

He builds trust. He shows honor. He keeps me safe. He keeps us safe. He lifts and holds this family on his very broad shoulders. I look at him and I can see a bent and white-haired me in his eyes. He is who I was made to be with. He is my today, he is my future, he is my eternity.







Who he is calls to me. It is not just that I hear him, it is that his voice resonates deep in my soul. When he speaks, I soften and open to him. It is not just that he touches me, it is that his touch fills me with joy. It is not just that I offer him my deference, it is that I am fulfilled in bending under his hand and under his will.






I have lived my life, not enough for anyone, not the woman who bore me, not the father who sired me, not the half-brother who had the privilege of growing knowing his own worth, not the three with whom I shared my life before I met my Ward. I have stood strong and cold because I had to. I built walls that kept the hurt outside. I was strong. I was capable. I was dying inside. Then my Ward spoke in the dark. He spoke to me. His voice resonated. He gently uncurled my fingers, and took my hand. He showed me beauty I denied, suppressed because I could not bear it's rejection another time. He patiently took one brick at a time until I was exposed to his eyes. He pronounced me beautiful. He pronounced me loved.....and then he began to show me, every single day. He unlocked the secret places, and oh, how I shined for him.

He sees what no one else has seen. He accepts what no one else has ever invited. He accepts my service and calls it a gift. I am bound to him in ways I have always desired and never before realized. And in the binding he sets me free. There is nothing I would not give him. I prostrate myself before him and he lifts me up. I belong to him...completely...lucky girl.

HIS POV:      

June's love for me shine's brighter than the stars.  I gave her my heart, when I was most afraid and in kind her response was beyond expectation, beyond what I deserve, it was like a cold glass of water after being lost in the desert.  Her submission called to me when we were little more than friends, and in kind my dominance sought her out and made itself familiar to her. She knows my dreams, my fears, my shortcomings and what I struggle with... and yet, she still loves me anyway.... I am blessed beyond measure and I thank the Lord that he sent June my way... She is my greatest blessing!

The No-Shutdown Rule

                                                      

    There are times in a DD/TTWD relationship that discipline and correction will be a dreaded but  necessary action that  requires a clear mind, a firm hand, and an open, honest heart.  I've talked about discipline and correction in other posts before, but in this post I'd like to illustrate the importance of connectivity, even during correction, unmet expectations, or hurt feelings.

Sometimes it can be difficult to express the let-down that we feel in our partner's actions, non-actions and potentially careless words or deeds. That's why June and I feel that communication and expression are vital to us and our interpretation of this lifestyle. Sometimes irritation, disappointments, hurt feelings, etc. can cloud  the effectiveness of  what we are really trying to communicate. I know that I can be fairly adamant about my expectations and when they should be met. In most instances June and I are very much on the same page, but there have been a few occasions where she or I were off the mark and needed to take a few min to get emotion out of the picture, think clearly and not let hurt or anger get the best of us.

                                                      

 

We also believe that taking time is one thing, but drawing out an unresolved problem is unhealthy and unnecessary.  Shutting down is never acceptable in our house. I mean I have to think that if I am the HoH and I am to effectively lead and guide my family, that it is even LESS acceptable for me to start shutting down and be non-communicative. In the beginning this was something that I struggled with and no, I'm not proud of that. June got me thinking and talking and for me that was a major, major step, even outside DD/TTWD. I've never been in a relationship that made communication so easy, so fluid, and so welcome and even despite my attempts to clam-up and keep to myself, our love won out and I found my voice.  We think that it is far better to put things on the table, refine our thoughts, and turn towards the relationship in order to clear the air and move forwards before the sun sets.  Letting an issue stagnate can only lead to hard feelings, and cracks in the armor of our relationships and our own interaction.

                                            


  When  June and I discussed the foundation of our relationship we realized that one of the things that makes BOTH of us better is accountability and while I may not be the one on the receiving end of a good spanking, the standards of our relationship must, do and in fact apply to a higher standard for me. We often tell our youngest to "use your words" and that's something that I do in fact have to tell myself.... I'll be honest in that regard.  I'm like a lot of men, I don't want to talk about it... but being the man, the man my wife and children look to for answers, the head of our home, has taught me that I can't afford to do that anymore... That and June will, and in fact should, call me on that.  If it came down to it, she would place herself across my lap and have me spank her until I could communicate the emotions that I was feeling and how we can get to a better place.



                                                   

 Harmony can be disrupted fairly easily, sometimes we don't take notice of the small things our partners do to enrich our lives and our families. Sometimes it seems as if our partners don't care, or like what is important to us isn't important to them and that can and does hurt. Nobody likes to have their thoughts or feelings marginalized and I think that puts the onus on the HoH to ensure that there is no shut-down, no loss of communication and no distances that can hurt the relationship in either the long or short-term.  Take the time to put your emphasis on getting to a shared place of comfort that  has the strength and conviction to move forward despite discomfort, hurt feelings and/or anger.... The relationship benefits and let's be honest, folks, there are way better things to be doing at the end of the day than fighting or not talking to each other... just sayin!

                                                     

                                                         

Her POV:

This has been my greatest challenge. Because of my life, it has always been safer to shut-down. If you let them see how you were affected, or that you were hurt or bothered, it only got worse. I was very good at stuffing things down. Daddy does not allow this...not in the very least. The first time, during a conversation about the necessity of communicating what I felt, he used the phrase - passive-aggressive.....just cut me to the very core. He's right...he always is (sighs....schnoots to Daddy ALWAYS being right!....jk). It is passive aggressive. I wasn't aware of it. My tone was clipped, my answers short. "Yes, Daddy" became an eyes down "yes" .... shudders. But those were just the motions of our dynamic, it was not authentic.

Then we got to a different place. I would communicate... not right away. Sometimes I needed that moment to stuff down that eye roll, or that sarcastic remark and think about how I really felt and filter my emotions. It got me spanked. Why? I didn't communicate that I needed a moment to process, that I wasn't distancing myself from him, from us, but that I was using a minute to work things out in the framework of our relationship and be able to bring it to him respectfully. So I got spanked. Then we talked. He apologized. And I said if I need that moment, how about if I saw, "Daddy, I need a minute to process, please." Then he knows I am not shutting down.

It works. It lets us both know that we are present for each other, and for our relationship. He can do this too... and he has, "Daddy needs a moment to sort this out, lovey. We'll talk about this later (or tonight)." This space gives us the opportunity to enumerate our points, make sure we understand what we need, and frame them in the best possible way to serve our relationship.

I will call him on it. In TTWD I am very much accountable to him. But he is also accountable to me, to our God, and to our family as the head of our home, Distancing is so damaging. There is nothing in the world wrong with holding him accountable....respectfully. I did it wrong in the beginning..."You know what would happen to me if I did what you're doing?" YIKES! But as soft hand on his shoulder, or his leg, or just curling up beside him and winding my fingers with his, a soft kiss and a,"Daddy, distance is against our rules. I think we need to talk about what's on your mind.", or yes, laying across his lap... sometimes both. If the air needs to be cleared, this is the mechanism we have established to do so. No, not correction, discipline, we all need it... it goes hand in hand with accountability.

And the bottom line - heck yeah, there are better things we can be doing :)

What would I give him...

...this man who has my heart?

I offer him my complete deference...my "yes, Daddy."

                        

I offer him my obedience with what I hope is not the slightest of hesitation.

                                                    

I offer him humble acceptance of his loving correction and the reassurance of his discipline...even when it's difficult, even when I struggle...then I offer him the triumph of my stillness.




                                        


















I offer him my pleasure, for surely he is it's source.

        

I offer him my hand, with which to lead me.

                 

I offer him  my unfaltering step in following him.

                       

I offer him my shoulder when his burdens become heavy.

                  

I offer him my heart, bursting with love - the eternal spring he brings to our lives.

                                

I offer him my soul, the essence of who I am, because only with him am I who I was meant to be.

I offer him, my very life, trusting that I am safe in his hands. 

                                                     

I offer him my gratitude for his acceptance of these very humblest of gifts, the only things I have to offer....he accepts them with fervor, with reverence, with joy... these simple, homely things - he looks upon as though their value knew no bounds.

                                                 



What would I give him?

Simpler to ask what I would withhold.....nothing. I am his.

                                                     

...and it does, my love

HIS POV:    

I am truly humbled by June's offering of deepest love.  The desire to fill my world with light and to become that world as surely and deeply as the waters of the ocean.. this is what my wildest dreams are made of. To traipse along the outskirts of heaven and to dance along the cosmos in true unity it puts tears of love and joy in this man's eyes.