Asking for Help vs Topping from the Bottom

                                                    

                                               

Today I would like to spend a few min talking about two topics that I feel can have profound effects on  DD/TTWD relationships. Topping from the bottom and asking for the help we need in order to not only function properly, but to feel comfortable in the roles of our dynamics.

Topping from the bottom is more than simply making a suggestion or two during the discourse of expressions of dominance and submission, spanking, maintenance or other activities designed to enhance our relationships, clear the air, maintain or express roles. Topping from the bottom is also emotional manipulation, talking over someone else, being deliberately passive aggressive, emotionally distant and or blatantly disobedient.  Thus defined, it becomes clear that topping from the bottom is a huge negative that cannot be allowed to create distance or emotional unrest.

                                                 

I guess from my own HoH perspective, I find it to be indicative of a lack of attention properly applied and paid to the one that we love the most.  I try very hard to make sure that I give June the attention that she needs in order for her to feel loved, confident and assured.  A cursory glance throughout the DD/TTWD/Spanking  lifestyle and relationship universe confirms that in many instances topping from the bottom occurs in a disrespectful and unhealthy fashion as well as disturbing frequency.

Topping from the bottom in a TTWD/DD relationship is not only disrespectful and rude, but it often times masks real emotions and hides the needs of all of those represented. When the time comes to express my role in our relationship I understand that I must be remain emotionally available, attentive and prepared to receive June's needs. Even when there is a need for correction or stress release, I know that more than just giving her what I wish her to feel, I must use my judgement to ascertain  what will be of the most benefit to not only her, but our relationship as well.

I am sometimes humbled and left in awe of the great gift of trust and responsibility that she places in my hands and I assure you ladies and gentlemen, that none of that is lost on me. I know that it takes a  whole lot of trust for her to be able to believe in me, and my intentions for not just her heart and mind, but to trust that I will give her body what it needs, no matter how difficult that may be to accept or go through. I really am humbled by this responsibility and would pass these values along to other men in the pursuit of  happier, healthier relationships!

                                        

Lets talk about physical application for a few moments... sometimes simply allowing ourselves to feel each other requires us to look where it's dark, where we have trouble, where we struggle. Sometimes the things that we need are difficult and navigating these issues with grace requires strength,  a ear that listens and the kind of deep honesty that doesn't sugar coat things that aren't easy to hear... This one goes both ways, by the way... Sometimes the greatest gift that June has given me has been her honesty... Her honesty when it would have been easier to do less, or to put the paddle down and scoop her up into my arms before she released the negativity and the walls had come down, but as we all know, what is easy and what is right are two different things.

The actual act of spanking always requires thought and action, but when the impact that is needed is more emotional than physical, it pays to consider every action, word, thought and deed. From the implements we use (yes even the ones that we don't like so much) to the positions (you know, the ones that help us feel the most submissive)  has to be thought out with thought and care.  Kind words, a soft touch following intensity, and an obvious display of affection and love are all very much required.  In truth you might say that  physicality is easier than emotion and thought and you would very much be right to say so. The physical expression of dominance and submission is just the active expression of two hearts longing to be in sync, indeed sometimes, a firm hand and rod wielded firmly with compassion and love helps to "Tune up the band" so to speak.

                                                      

I have known June long enough to understand her emotions and the way she expresses them. I try very hard to be attentive to her heart, mind, and body and generally speaking I hope that I do a good job of this. Sometimes though, I know when she has a hard time, that I need to be open to her expressing her need for help.  Help in feeling herself, in feeling me. The need for safety, warmth, and security when perhaps things aren't going well with work, school, the kids or life in general.  These are the times that she ask for help, I keep that door open and allow her to come to me anytime.  I guess the difference lies in intent.  Asking for help, and topping from the bottom differentiate themselves. Asking is proactive, asking is acknowledging that we are indeed not superhuman and that at times we need our partner to reach out, take our hand and lead and that despite what life has taught us, despite what the media portrays that it is in fact okay to do so!

We would encourage everyone to ask for help when they need it... It takes strength, heart and a willingness to acknowledge our own weakness, but there in lies the true strength and beauty of our relationships... To do so is to gain ground, growth and emotional providence in the face of stress, adversity and negativity.

                                                   

I'll end by saying that sometimes the hardest things to do are the ones that help us grow the most as a couple. I know that none of these things are easy, but I solemnly promise that they are worth every ounce of time, effort and self-exploration!

                                                                  

                                            

Her POV:

Before we were us, when we were still 'just friends' I asked Daddy if it was okay to ask for something...to try something, for more if needed, for action when it was needed and none seemed forthcoming, or if that was topping from the bottom. He said that no, he did not see it as topping from the bottom to present a need to your Dominant. You are merely helping him to know you and your needs. And you are not making demands, you are simply presenting him with your needs, which is what you are supposed to do... asking him to meet your needs.

The first time we were together, in the cuddling afterglow, I shared with him that he could spank harder. And he did. He wouldn't have known what I needed if I had not shared, but the application was entirely up to him. It was only providing a tool for him. I have continued to share, and he has learned me. I don't need to make as many requests. Because we have open honest and consistent communication, he is able to read my body language, the tone of my vice and give me what I need.

Had I manipulated, had I not been open and honest in expressing my needs he would not have an honest gauge. Manipulation is insidious, and sometimes too easy to do, and in my opinion comes from fear to open ourselves. If I am afraid to tell him I need something, I may think that if I mope, or cry or sigh that he will interpret that I need something. That doesn't always work, and it is manipulative, manipulating his emotions rather than simply saying, "Love, can you please help me, I feel..." Or even, "I don't know how I feel, but I'm not me, and I need to feel your Dominance. Or I need to feel my place. I need to feel safe and cared for. Please help me." It expresses humility, vulnerability and trust.

I am an emotional girl. I have lots of baggage. I have things I feel that I don't always understand. I often feel less, bad, scared. If I were not always honest with him when I felt that way, if I did not ask for his help to find my way through, is that not breaking one of the most fundamental rules of DD? To withhold my heart and my needs from him would be dishonesty, by design and/or omission. Not healthy, and knowing that there was something there and trying to get his reaction without honest communication? - that's topping from the bottom.

I am grateful that he allows me the honesty to give him my heart and my fears and my needs I submit them to him, and I put my trust in him to lead me through.

Correction and Emotion

                                                          
  Being the HoH is a job that I've found to be always rewarding and sometimes challenging.  In addition to being observant, kind, gracious, loving, generous and affectionate, a good man must also be intuitive, resolute, dominant, slow to anger, quick to forgive and prepared to sacrifice in order to build a strong, healthy relationship that elevates both a man and his lady to their healthiest places.

I can honestly count on one hand the number of times that it was necessary to give her correction.
Correction is something that I think a lot of people don't like to talk about or always see in a negative light, but sometimes I think if we look closely we can  learn a number of things that can prove useful in the future.

                            

  I think I can easily say that spanking in the corrective sense of the word is one of my least favorite jobs as the HoH.  It isn't fun and it is an emotional trigger for both of us. I love her too much to fail her or let something small fester and turn into something big.  I'm sure June would tell you that sometimes I can be a pain when I know something is on her mind, but as it is I think she knows just as I do, that when the air needs to be cleared, it becomes a priority.  I'm not sure how other people do things, but we believe in a saying that may sound a bit cliche  but it's true, "Don't let the sun go down while you are still angry."

It can be simpler said and done and even when the head is cool, the heart burns hot and the truth of emotion is and can often be brought to the surface during a thorough spanking. Distance, passive-aggression, stubbornness,  may all be seen during the emotive stages of correction, being that none of those things can be allowed to flourish, they are soon replaced by contrition, a will to change and the release of guilt, anger, hurt and negativity.
        

                                         

The experience of administering discipline or correction for the good of our relationship is often a heavy one. There is the desire to make things right, the desire to affect a change in attitude or spirit or behavior, the desire to give her what she needs, and of course the desire not to have to repeat such an experience.  It does affect me in an emotional way.  I have to give  myself a moment to think, to regroup and to reexamine my thoughts before proceeding sometimes... It's been said that one is only capable of viewing the world through the lens in which they see it, and when correction is concerned, I believe it is vital to be pure of mind and intention and to have the right desire and not to be caught in a negative mindset or be tense and full of anger... This accomplishes nothing at best, and undermines ones authority at worst and could lead to injury or the kind of hurt that isn't easily healed.  If I am to demand her best, how can I give her anything less?  How does a man give love if he doesn't have the grace to receive it?  Even when I am disappointed or hurt, there is an affection that exists to soothe and comfort both of our hearts even in the midst of the pain that comes from correction.

 

                                                                                                                       

                                                                                        

                                                                                                                 

     

  The Pay off comes in those moments of renewal, clean slate, and learning the best way to handle our thoughts and actions in the future. They say hindsight is often twenty twenty, but I think sometimes learning to get to that level of communication where  we become stronger as a couple and our bond becomes just that much more unbreakable.

                                                 

                                                                                                                 


Her POV:

I know that correction is not something that is pleasant for either of us. I know that it would be easier for him to overlook those things that call for it. And I know that neither one of us could live with that for feeling that we had failed the other, and our relationship.

The first correction came pretty quickly after we were us. I'm here to tell you, you can correct a spanko with a spanking. It has to do with the tone, the talk, the delivery. Daddy was effective in communicating his message. It is not something I wish to repeat. And he can correct me if I am wrong, but I don't think I ever have. Did it hurt? Heck yes! What hurt more? The look on his face when the words tumbled out of my mouth, and the sag in his shoulders when he realized what he had to do.

Do I want to be corrected? No. Do I want that intangible thing between him and I? No. Recently, before we thought Daddy was going to have to leave, I had a very bad day. And I was not who I should have been, especially in the face of thinking he might be gone for months. Daddy understood, and forgave it, and I got a pretty firm stress relief.....and it wasn't enough. When he asked what was wrong, and assured me that it was okay, and it hadn't been correction, I said maybe I needed it to be, because at the time I needed him most, I pushed him away the hardest. He said he understood why I had done it, but that perhaps it should have been correction. And so it was, and when it was over, we were better, and we were both stripped down and I could accept his forgiveness.

No, it's not fun. No it's not easy; not physically, not mentally, not emotionally. Without it, sometimes  it is too easy to hide from each other. I am grateful that my Ward is committed enough to me, to us, to guide us through those rough spots, because the place on the other side....well that's heaven.

Spankings, Position, and the effect on the mind 1.

                                                                  

We have shared many things about spanking on this blog, and indeed we will share a great deal more. I think one of the more overlooked topics is the effect that certain spanking positions can have on both the HoH/Spanker and his partner/spankee.  Spanking certainly has a lot of connotations for a lot of people and it has a wonderful way of becoming truly personalized and very intimate from house to house.

As I'm sure you have gathered our home is no exception and the positions we use reinforce our places:  her place as my partner and her submissive nature; my place as the Head of the House and her dominant.  Sometimes it really is as simple as walking through the door, getting that first kiss of the evening and seeing in her body language just what she needs.... Be that some "Mommy Time", a sound spanking, or just to sit and talk amidst the dazzling floor show that is our kids. Still, there comes a time when nothing says I love you like some  well spent time reinforcing love, intimacy, discipline, expectation, comfort, affection and sexiness (we get some serious miles out of our spanking sessions!)  

                                       

I have come to understand my June's needs and have found that for us, position can have a deep and profound affect on how she responds to and absorbs the sometimes necessary attention that I give her.  Like many we have found the classic Over the Knee (OTK) position to be the most frequently used  position across our own spanking spectrum. OTK is very intimate, submissive, and conductive to communication (even if it is the kind that doesn't come from words).  I love so many things about OTK that it's nearly impossible to count, but I think this would almost be our, and I'm sure many other spanko's, default position

Here are some of my favorite things about OTK

-  it's intimate

-  the view is unrestricted and very exposing

-  it brings submission and dominance to a head very quickly

-  it's simple and delicious yet, complex and challenging at times

                                                                                                                         

(http://morethanithurtsme.tumblr.com) Kind of along the lines of this, but I am on the bed, over pillows, bottom up & face down.

      

 Like many others we have used the also classic Over the pillows, or across the bed approach, however in a slight modification  I like to wrap my arm around her lower back or waist and pull her close to my side as I give her the kind of affectionate attention that we both need... It seems so simple but it has helped our bond become so very strong over time.  Even on the few occasions that correction had to be given, the intimacy and affectionate nature of this position helped us both manage loving correction with grace and love.

Here are some of my favorite things about on the bed/ over pillows, side to side

-  intimate

-  reinforces roles

-  a good position for lengthy or painful sessions

                                                  

 There are of course several other positions of note and I will delve into them at a later time.  The ones we have talked about here today are some of the most effective for getting each other in a positive place no matter what the spanking is for... Affection, taking the time to listen and act (even when life gets crazy) and caring enough to communicate even when it's difficult are even more important and vital to this process. We hope this gives you somthing to think about and indeed use!

 Her POV:
I had never had otk, though it was in my mind what I needed. Daddy obliged and it was delicious. For me, while I enjoy spanking, it is painful, and it is a humbling proposition to lay yourself across your man's lap to ask for his discipline. What I desired from DD was that loving connection.

Daddy said he would always discipline with affection. His voice is calm, even in correction, his words are soft, kind and supportive, talking about where things went wrong and how to get back to that place. Be it for play, discipline or correction, that was important to me, as was the body contact that otk provides, it is comforting, even in the face of discipline and correction; knowing that what he does, he does out of love.

He talked about side-by-side, and I did not think I would like it. I wanted - needed - to feel his body, that measure of comfort. But I am his, and I wish to be obedient, so the first time he directed me across the pillows, I went. Then he did the most astonishing thing - to me, at least. He sat beside me, with his torso at about a 90 degree angle with my waist, leaning lightly across my back and placing his arm over my body, and pulled his forearm tight against my side from my waist to my thigh. It was an amazingly safe and comforting feeling, totally encompassed by both his body and his Dominance. When it gets intense, I can snake my hand back and grip his hand. It has become a favorite position for us, for the closeness it offers and the way it fulfills both his need for Dominance and my need for submission.

Seeking Perfection

I have a friend (do you, June, do you really? - yes I really do) - a DD friend. She says sometimes that she feels inferior. I tell her that she shouldn't everyone has their own path, that Ward and I started our relationship this way, not like her and her Daddy who changed after 14 years of marriage, and that I am not perfect by any stretch of the imagination. I am just blessed with a strong Daddy, who is capable of handling my imperfections, and loving me still more and deeper when we come out on the other side. So, I thought I should share a tale that shows just how very human I am.

Daddy and I had a rough weekend.I've only been corrected twice in our time together. I was corrected twice this weekend. The first time for distancing....*head shaking* oh, June, not again...yes, again - sigh - it's a process....yes it is my greatest struggle. And because this is not the first time, Ward wanted to make a point, and he did...strenuously.






Yesterday, Daddy said something that struck that both feet down, brakes in the dirt kind of reaction.So thinking back to the Saturday, I thought, okay, no hesitation, immediate response, and I bypassed my filters, crossed my arms, put my nose in the air and said 'Fine!' (I see you all cringing...I did too, but I was going for broke here...it was a test of the Unfiltered Broadcast System which apparently is in no way connected to any system of survival...you see where this is going right?) Daddy said, "When a lady says fine it is most certainly anything but."






Just a little background. Because of my background, I have a fear that one day he will wake up and see 'the real me' the one that seems so easy to walk away from, that there is something inside of me that surfaces at some point, less than the sum of who I am. So, snarky June (yes, June can be snarky - sighs ashamedly) said, "Well, you may as well see the real me." And Daddy replied, "Perhaps I should see the real you, but be prepared for a real reaction." I was, I knew what would happen, I certainly didn't expect him to back down from disrespect because of hurt feelings or anything. Believe it or not, I knew exactly what I was doing (just maybe not why in that moment) and I knew exactly what he would do. He did not disappoint.


Many spanks, many implements, and some baby oil later, a very emotionally rung out little girl lay in her Daddy's arms. I apologized for my disrespect, I told him that I expected no less than what had happened, and that it wasn't the real me...but it was the unfiltered me. I am not always immediately the sweet, sunny June. It takes work. I have to suppress all kinds of....unworthy emotions sometimes. I explained that I may sometimes hesitate, or pull back just a little, but it's not trying to shut him out, it's me trying to process, running a gut check, and running knee jerk responses through my filters trying to be his good girl.

Daddy said he understood that and he owed me an apology for spanking me the day before. I said he didn't, I needed it anyway. He said he did owe me an apology, while I did need it, it was not for the reason it was given. I don't think it was unjust, and I don't think it was unfair. I broke one of our fundamental rules in the way it was established and defined. We've done a lot of talking, and we've refined that rule. Daddy will allow me time to process, and I will try to let him know that's what's going on so he's knows I'm not drifting away.

So it was a very not very good, bad, terrible, emotionally draining weekend, BUT, we gained new insight, and tons of new understanding and closeness. And I faced one of my deepest fears, that Daddy would see me at my worst and find me untenable. But he didn't. Daddy always said, don't make me chase you, little one, I'll only love you harder. And he did. Sometimes our worst, most fearful moments turn into the most successful trust-building exercises.

HIS POV: 
June is my greatest achievements in life, and yes, sometimes the growing and learning process can be a painful one.  This weekend taught both of us many valuable lessons to remember and use on our journey. Sometimes an HoH has to recognize when he has been wrong, and own it. I also think Ms. June learned that I will never, never stop loving her. No matter what she says or does, she has me as her biggest fan and I love her more every day.  With discipline, patience and  a dedication to not just me, not just her, but us, I think it is possible for us to reach new levels of love and communication.

Unfair Spankings

As I mentioned in our last post, Old-Fashioned Marriage's post Punishment for Silence got some mixed feelings in the comments. I can see how people were trepidatious about it, and the original post did use the words 'unfair spanking'. And I can understand that if it were considered as a punishment, that it could well lead to bad feelings.

But I also very much understand the spirit of the post. I commented that Ward and I do something along those lines, and when I sense he is stressed (usually before he tells me, or asks for my help), I will offer myself to him, in the spirit of both my submission and the reciprocity that feeds our relationship.


This line of thought brought me back to something I have pondered since I began reading in blogland. One of the first blogs I found was Stormy's, and one of the first posts on her blog I read was her What About Unfair Spankings?. If you haven't read it, you should, it gives excellent advice on how to get through a correction or discipline spanking that you feel is unjust. A really important point she makes is:
"See it as an opportunity to grow, see it as a jumping off place for communication.
Disagree but do not distrust his INTENT and PURPOSE.
View it as an act of love, submitting during tough times.
Embrace an opportunity to grow in maturity as his wife."



Another blogger handled this same issue, Christina in her post When the HoH Makes an Unfair Decision - Final Lessons. She also makes the point of accepting the HoH's decision to discipline with grace, remaining respectful and putting it more in the frame of maintenance or role reaffirmation.

My quandary is in our kinds of relationships, where we have given our men the authority to take us in hand, whether it be for correction/punishment, discipline/role-affirmation, or just-because they want to, how do we then say that it's unfair? I know that Ward and I are a little different in that we do sometimes use spanking for pleasure (we use it for correction, discipline, fun, and if the spanking game takes off, for profit *grin*). But we have similar experiences in the DD portion of our dynamic. I may not necessarily have to think I need to be spanked, but my HoH does. And it's my job to submit with grace. How then can I even begin to assert that he is being unfair? Doesn't that speak to consensual non-consent? *(see end of post)


So that got me thinking about where the thought comes from. And something in OFM's post, or perhaps the comments, tickled something in my brain that I am still struggling to grasp - one of those just beyond fully formed thoughts - just the other side of understanding. What if the feeling of unfairness comes about as a result of anger? What if the HoH is angry?




What if he is unable to put aside the tensions of his day when you come to the place of discipline? What if he is angry because it is a repeated offense, or one that is grievously dangerous to his woman? What if there is argument/contention/frustration in the discussion? What if he says something that, in a highly emotional moment, is cutting to the heart of the submissive wife? What if he does not effectively communicate why he believes correction or discipline is necessary? When the husband explains what has brought them to that place, and then explains why it is damaging to the relationship, it is easier for the wife to come to a place of acceptance. But when it's not communicated at all,or is not communicated in a clear manner, or the why is omitted, it makes it harder to submit with grace.






Ward and I talked about this post as I was writing, I fleshed out ideas with him, and asked him if I was expressing myself clearly. He has some interesting thoughts that he will share as well (thank you, my heart). And he said that it should be left at a place to open discussion. So I invite you please to share your thoughts and feelings on this post,maybe we can all come to a place of better understanding.



HIS POV: 
Sometimes making decisions is a difficult process. Sometimes it's even more difficult to do right by the one you love and the relationship you share.  June and I have a unique relationship that isn't so much defined by punishment or correction as it is enhanced and made stronger by it.

Spanking is a lot of things, but it is rarely, if ever, convenient or easy.  That is why I think that it is important that spanking be something that we don't just rush into or hurry through. It's worth doing well, thoroughly, and right.

It's easy to understand that sometimes, a disagreement or miscommunication can occur, but these things should be handled with care. Submission with grace, along with truly listening - and hearing - what each other say, is a recipe for success.

I would also make note that an even temper and knowing when a spanking is not optimal is also a valuable thing for an HoH/Top to know and understand.  Spanking in anger, or out of frustration is weak, juvenile, ineffective and at it's worst harmful.  A spanking, especially a disciplinary one has to be born of love and a will and desire to improve not only behavior but the relationship as a whole. 

There is a world of difference between what is fair and what is right, realizing this, I endeavor to do right by us and ours in all things.

 **************

*Consensual non-consent is a concept that is common to all manner of D/s relationships. If this is a term you have not heard before, or are not sure how it fits into a CDD/LDD/DD type D/s relationships, I offer these two resources:
Taken in Hand - The nature and effects of consensual non-consent

"Nonconsensual" Consent? A guideline to consent in CDD

Dancing With the One You Love - book review

  

I've said elsewhere on the blog that I - well both of us are - spiritual, though not necessarily religious. We both have a belief and a deep connection with God, we pray, we pray together. We both believe that we have a responsibility to live with honor and grace. But we're not big church goers.

Which brings me to the idea of biblical submission. The way that biblical submission was presented to me by some people that I worked with, who were fundamentalist Christians, and by the predominant religion when I moved down here, Baptist, it was not something that was appealing. Of course, I had not fully embraced my submissive nature at that point either. Once I had, and once it developed to a fuller expression, with Daddy, the idea of biblical submission still bristled me a little bit. Then I started reading....educating yourself is never a bad thing. 

Guess what? The biblical model of submission is closer to what I feel, and closer to what we have than anything else I have seen. I researched some books, and this is the first of them based on biblical submission that I have finished reading (I have more in the works, as you can see from our GoodReads). 

Cindy Easley raises some great points, that spoke to my particular beliefs, and to conversations that Ward & I have had. She talks of a 'complementarian marriage in which the husband is the leader, the wife the helper, and that although they stand equal, they have specific roles and being faithful to their roles, they empower the other in their role. She further states that if you wanted to bristle at the term 'helper' believing it to be subservient or wish to use the designation to subordinate your partner, God also refers to himself as OUR helper (Ps 30:10, Ps 54:4, Gen 2:18). That puts things in a different light, doesn't it?

She defines submission as a spirit of voluntary cooperation, and I like that a lot. I choose to follow Ward with a cooperative spirit because I trust and respect his leadership. She also has an interesting perspective about why submission works, she writes that God has hardwired our husbands to NEED our respect, and us with the need to be loved. When we willingly submit to their leadership they stand taller, feel prouder, and take the role of leader more seriously. Ward has corroborated this in many places on the blog. He says that my submission makes him want to be a better man (Not, possible, love, you are the very best man I have ever known). 

She speaks of another of my favorite concepts, humility. When we choose to humble ourselves and place ourselves under our husband's authority willingly and cheerfully we receive grace (James 4:6). When we sulk or pout, we are compromising our submission. She notes that most of our popular cultural references portray husbands as buffoons married to beautiful women, giving us no positive images of submission and headship, which she asserts can make maintaining a submissive attitude difficult. I disagree with that last part to a certain extent. I tell our boys, you have to use your own moral compass. I see those bad examples, too, and it doesn't make me think it's okay to disrespect my Ward, it makes me more mindful of how I interact with him. 

She stresses the importance of communication, and that communicating honestly and respectfully is a way to be a blessing to our husbands. Sometimes the dance if submission is difficult because we don't know where our husbands are going. We need to ask them to communicate their vision. Ward and I enjoy wonderful communication, if I don't understand, I ask. If I don't ask and he feels the question, he initiates a discussion. Either way, we don't let misunderstanding stand between us, and the simple act and care of clearing it up strengthens us and our commitment to each other. 

She speaks of Proverbs 31:10, 23. This was a favorite passage for me for a long time, since a friend who was a pastoral counselor applied that passage to me when I was going through a very difficult time. It is not something that I considered with a vanity, but something to which I aspired. The actual passage is "A good woman is hard to find, and worth far more than diamonds... Her husband is greatly respected when he deliberates with the city fathers." This is something else you have seen around our blog, I seek to bring honor to Ward, and to represent him well in our community.

One passage was particularly pertinent to me. It spoke of a Navy wife. And that my attitude toward the Navy could help or hinder Daddy in doing what he is called to do. I support him in anything he does, and I respect and support his decision to serve. He knows this, and also that I long for the day he detaches. But for me to make that the focus of our every conversation about his career inhibits him, and makes him feel conflicted. I have a responsibility to surrender my feelings, and ask him to make the best decisions for our family. 

 I found this overall to be an affirming book, with a lot of pertinent points that would bolster and support any relationship regardless of dynamic.


HIS POV:   
 I think  Ms. Easly brings up several valid points throughout the course of her book. The concept of humility as it relates to our relationship brings to light my need as the head of the household to remain humble, receptive and supportive.  My June's gift of submission and her attitude towards it have always been a source of pride and honor for me.  She really does go out of her way to please me, but more importantly her honesty and her support have often been the difference when times got hard.  Some of the affirmations of this book bring a unique perspective on the dynamic between a hoh and his lady, I think Ms. Easly uses Bible verses effectively and in a non heavy-handed way. Communication, Clarity, Humility (not humiliation) and a basic desire to want to live for each other is our way of life!

Who we are - for Anonymous

This is another post that I had a seed for, but not nearly enough content to do anything with. Well, recent developments in blogland have given me the direction to go with my seed thought.

In the past weeks our community has been accused of being false Christians, we have been accused of being disgusting, we have been accused of using our lifestyles to fly in the face of the principles of freedom for which our military fights, we have been accused of being perverts. These accusations  have come always from an anonymous poster, who in some circumstances has proposed to be a Christian. The language used is vigorous, in some cases offensive, and it is always aggressive.

"I am giving you a new command. You must love each other just as I have loved you. When you love each other, everyone will know that you are my disciples." (John 13:34-35)

Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered. (1 Peter 3:7)

So, anonymous, let me tell you about the people in this, our community, people you do not know, and people you feel qualified to judge. We defer to our husbands. We respect and honor them with our actions and our words. They in turn honor and protect us. We have an uncommon understanding and communication in our relationships and our families.

We do not judge our friends. When we do not understand, we ask. We may share the practice of submission to our men. but our expressions of that submission are vastly different. We listen to each other, and while we may not subscribe to another's expression, we do not criticize. We see the beauty in their way, and can understand and appreciate their authenticity.

When we misunderstand each other, or when we believe that we have wronged, or offended another, be it our partner, or a friend, we apologize- sincerely. We make peace. We extend our hands. When our friends are hurting, we gather and express our support. When our friends are attacked, we gather the wagons. We are a community.

So, anonymous, if the choice is to be counted in a community of people bristling with self-perceived righteous indignation, or into this community of false Christians, disgusting, perverts - I will clearly stand with this group of people who show more honor and grace in a single interaction than you have managed to spread in days.

HIS POV:

Truly what June has said resonates with my own personal feelings and the true essence of our relationship and our relationship to other fine folks within this small but wonderful community.  I have learned so very much about life from this beautiful lady that I call mine, she has taught me to be a better man, a better leader, and to be a source of support for our brothers and sisters in this fine community.  I am not as familiar with some of you, and I am not quite as prolific in posting, but I look forward to fixing that, and I promise that I will always be an open ear for you all, I want to thank you for your staunch support of my blog and my lady, both of which have been a truly invaluable source of inspiration and knowledge to us both.

To Anonymous:

Sir or Madame, I hope you have learned something.  I really do,  it would be easy to be angry or crass with someone such as you.

I mean you make it hard to be civil, especially when...

- I don't appreciate your general rudeness
- If you where so bothered by what you found here why did you come?  This is not the kind of blog you find by accident.
- I would defend my Lady's honor staunchly and completely
- If you read anything about us or our blog you would know better than to post what you did.
- I would have you think twice about attacking someone on the basis of faith, you know nothing of me or my commitment to my faith and spirituality.  I am a Christian man and I work to honor my commitment to my spirituality, my family and my community

I pity you, and instead of vinegar I offer you wisdom and kindness.  In this strange and beautiful world you will find people of many sizes, colors, creeds, religions and orientations, you may not condone what they do, approve of their lifestyle or agree with them in general, but there is one thing you can do.  Treat everyone you encounter with dignity, respect and kindness... If you can do these things you will grow as a person and improve the world around you exponentially.

Just me

Those who know me well hear me say that phrase quite often.  I'm just me.I say it to friends, I say it to Ward. I say it when I am uncomfortable with praise or gratitude. I've never quite experienced them before.

I am just who I am - just me. I do what I see, what I feel needs to be done. I have a highly defined moral imperative. Maybe because I have seen and experienced a lot of suffering. If I can do something to ease the way for someone, I must. That's how I'm made. I can't turn a blind eye. But I don't think that's especially noteworthy. It doesn't take an effort. I don't have to think about it. It's just there. It would be uncomfortable for me not to help. I don't see that as especially special. I don't see me as especially special.

I frankly see myself with lots and lots of flaws (I'm all brave now, you see, because Daddy is not here). Ward has said from the very beginning that I was quite uncommon. What I heard of course, was 

Aren't you an odd little thing?

Ward takes great issue with that view. That's why one of my rules is 'no self-deprecation'. And he has decided that one of his missions is to allow me to see myself through his eyes. He said before he left (and in letters since) that he knows I have a hard time seeing it, but when he gets back he is going to show me every day how special and beautiful I am. I think that's a tall order. 

I do feel a shift, ever so slight. I don't feel special, but I feel....okay. I feel his influence. I hear his voice, even when he's not here. It's not something that may ever change completely. And it won't change in a thunderbolt. It's more like I am sand, and Ward is the sea. He gently and patiently and diligently, works, strokes, shapes my perceptions. 

 (the diligently working man is Ward!)

                                                                          

 I will never be the person who says 'I am fabulous!'. But I am maybe gaining some small measure of appreciation for perfectly imperfect just me

Examining Submission Journaling Exercise - Day 26

What are the qualities you seek in a dominant partner and why? Are some qualities deal-breakers as in “must” haves or “must not” have?

Quiet command, sincerity, honesty, trustworthiness, dependability, wisdom, kind, compassionate, empathetic, reasonable, courteous, honorable, appreciative, self-disciplined, courageous, generous of heart & spirit, constructive, tenderness, respectability, gracious, romantic, humility, confidence, consistent, sense of humor. In a word - Ward. He is all this and more.

They are all pretty much deal-breakers. If my partner does not possess self-control how can he lead me? If I cannot respect him, how can he lead me? If he cannot value himself, how can he value me? If he cannot value me, how can I follow him? If he does not inspire trust and confidence, how can I follow him?

For me personally, Ward has said that I have qualities of submission that he has not seen. But the way I see it, the way I feel it, I respond to the incredibly positive Dominant qualities he possesses. If he were a lesser man, my submission would not be as complete. If his manner was that of a  blustery, chest-thumping 'dominant', I would respond with barbs and bristles - well we would not even be Ward and June. I do not respond well to an abrasive manner.

Honor

 Honor is a concept that you don't see discussed much anymore.  To be possessed of honor is almost an antiquated virtue, something that went out with the age of chivalry. Honor speaks to personal dignity and character. It is an abstract concept that, psychologically speaking, is as real to the human mind as love. Dr. Samuel Johnson described honor as "nobility of soul, magnanimity, and a scorn of meanness." The modern dictionary defines it as: (n) honesty, fairness, or integrity. 

One who is possessed of honor is honorable, described in the modern dictionary as being of high rank, dignity, or distinction; noble, illustrious, or distinguished, worthy of honor and high respect; estimable; creditable.

We give honor to honorable people, we regard or treat them with admiration and respect.

Honor is a very large thing. It is something that we can possess, it is something that is the fabric of our being. It is something that we can gift to others.

In the world at large we don't see very much honor. We see things that are very wearying. One thing has struck me, as I find my way and make my home in this community of bloggers. Honor is a concept with which we are all well acquainted. It is at the center of our relationships. It is something that we value and strive to perpetuate. We encourage it in ourselves and in our friends. 
  

Honor is not a one way concept for us in this community. It is not something that comes from the bottom up. It is something that cycles from us to our partners and from them back to us. They honor our submission. We are loved, cherished, respected and elevated. We honor their leadership. And we love, cherish, respect and elevate our partners. This reciprocity builds bonds of loyalty, and we strive to maintain these positive relationships. We have a higher degree of empathy for each other.

We honor and support others in the community and their individual journeys, and we receive the same in return.



 
People think that we are an aberration, a throwback to times of servitude and subjugation. They do not see or understand the beauty, the gentility, the high standards to which each of us holds ourselves. I would rather live in this community of honorable people, than the world of 'equal' and 'liberated' persons.

I honor and thank my Daddy. He is the most honorable, honest, loyal and nurturing person I have ever had the privilege of having in my life. He honors my submission, and he asks nothing more of me than that I be the very best me that I can be. He honors and humbles me with his love. I love him with my all.

I thank each and every one of my new friends. I thank you for your humor. I thank you for your wisdom. I thank you for your insights. I thank you for your ears. I thank you for your ideas and your advice. I thank you for your welcoming acceptance of Daddy and myself, and of each other. I am humbled and honored to know each and every one of you.

Spanking and Submission

Daddy got home from four days away today. Daddy's job sometimes mandates that he is gone for extended periods of time, during which communication is impossible. I've gotten somewhat used to it, if I am well prepared. This time neither of us was, he went to work & came home having been told he would be gone four days. Dread. But I'm a good girl. I can do this - except it's hard to be without my Daddy - it's really hard. He called as soon as contact was possible, and it was like the first breath of air in four days. We talked for a good long time. And he needed rest. He had been up at one point for over 30 hours during the 4 days - and he was sick when he left.         

He had a few things to do so was running around and I received a text "Be ready for a spanking later, love. I love you."  I got a little anticipatory thrill all through my body, and texted back - just a little breathless, "Yes, Daddy". I had wanted one. I started needing one yesterday, while he was still away. Why? I miss him. I need to feel his authority. I need to feel my place. I need the intimacy and closeness that it brings. I need the trust it implies. I need to surrender to him. When I can't, I'm just not myself. C's Loving Domestic Discipline Blog discusses several types of spankings, and Daddy discussed the reasons for some in a previous post. I guess this one was kind of a combination stress relief/good girl/submission/just-because spanking.

I've seen some posts on other blogs that I wanted to answer on just this subject - the just-because kind of spanking. And it kind of puzzled me. The HoH's request to lay over his lap was met with panic, and refusal, and assertions of humiliation. I wanted to respond, but I was afraid that my responses would be seen as judgment, and that is not the case. We're all different. It is not humiliating to me. Submitting is humbling, but never humiliating. But to me it's what I negotiated when I surrendered to Daddy, I gave him authority over me.

He understands me very well. He sees what I need, even when I don't. Don't get me wrong, I am not at all averse to asking for a spanking if I need one or want one. Daddy is always in control of discipline, even if I ask for it.  Just sometimes I think it's more important that he initiate the process, like today. So that text was very welcome. He needed to give and I needed to receive. And now everything is as it should be. Daddy's home again, and so am I.

Fear

In my last post I spoke about negative emotions that sometimes come with accountability. In this post I wanted to address fear. People not in this kind of relationship may misunderstand the origins of the fear. They might think, if you fear being accountable, if you fear correction, why would you submit yourself to it? 

It's not the physical aspects of correction that brings fear. Frankly, spanking can be quite yum! Sometimes all I can think about is:

We are spankos, we enjoy it. We use it in play. We use it in discipline. It allows me to feel and reminds me of my place in our relationship, safe, protected, treasured, held in the palm of his hand. We use it in correction. It allows me to offer up my guilt and allows us to clear the air. Some people don't agree that if you regularly use spanking in play that it can be a useful tool in correction. Thankfully, Ward is of the same understanding as I.

So if we like it, how is it effective as an instrument of correction? And what is it that I fear if I don't fear these:

I fear knowing that I have disappointed not only Ward, but our relationship. I fear knowing that I have given less than my best. I fear:

And even here, Ward is loving and supportive. It is not me that is bad, it is the course of action that I choose which was undesirable. I am not a disappointment, my behavior was disappointing. 

The ritual, his voice, his words, his hands carry his message of love, diligence, leadership, reconciliation and unconditional love. He won't let the fear come between us. He will carry us from that fear back to peace and comfort and closeness.