That is me, I own that

 

Something happened, something small and what would be innocuous, even enticing for most people, but because of my past, it immediately set me on my heels. I felt small and so confused. I am his. I love him like no other. I know he is safe, more than that he is MY safety. He would never hurt me. He owns me, there is nothing I should not be able to give him. I felt bad and sad and scared, and unsubmissive and like I was holding back, and mad at myself.

We talked about it and I asked forgiveness, and he said there was nothing to forgive, but in my heart, there was. I cried for two days. When I had therapy I spoke to my therapist about it. And in talking what I discovered was that I found it scary because I could not accept my own sexuality, my own appeal. I understand that from him, this was a compliment, this was him expressing his desire. That's not how I have ever experienced that before. Not as a child exposed to things no child should know, not ever as an adult. My prior partners made it quite plain that I was not beautiful, they were sexual with me simply out of their own physical need, not because it was me with whom they were seeking intimacy.

She said I was good at talking out of both sides of my mouth...what? She said that I speak of the level of trust that we have, but I don't trust his opinion of me....wow... She said she knows it is because of what I have heard all my life, what I have always been told, that it has become my truth. She said that we learn to believe what we hear. So now, when Daddy says something good about me, or anyone really, even if I don't believe it, I am to say "That is me, I own that." If my mind hears my mouth saying that, that will become my truth. so I'm trying.....and Daddy is helping. He says I am beautiful...That is me...I own that...

 
HIS POV: 

Open arms and ears to listen, sometimes these are my greatest tools as a Husband and an HoH. June knows I would never intentionally do something to harm her or make her feel uncomfortable in any way. The traumas that we don't talk about, the traumas from childhood, the ones that still affect us... they are the hardest to handle and heal from. This situation taught me several things, namely that I  can give June my support when she is struggling, listen  and continue to show her that my desire for her, love, and intimacy are borne of a genuine desire to share something beautiful and pure with her and her alone. DD/TTWD can give us so much, but sometimes something as simple as unconditional love and support .

Privileges

I have been struggling with this post for a while. Then today we had a moment, Daddy and I. It's actually been an ongoing moment. You see, we have been hoping that things would gel and conditions would be right to let Daddy leave the military early. Well, things have happened, and Daddy injured his ankle. So he is now disallowed from the process that would have allowed him to leave and be with us, without interruption. So this turned from a post I am struggling with, into a submission exercise. I don't know if this will get published

When he came off the sub, he went to a temporary command waiting for orders. We were rather counting on the process resulting on his being released. He accepted orders to the closest support facility. Because of the boys, and the problems they have with adjustment, and the relatively short time till his contract is satisfied, the boys and I will not be going with him. I'm having a hard time with this. I thought we were done with separation forever.

What does that have to do with this post? I get angry. It's very un-June-like. I apologize. I don't know, as I said if this will get published. Right now this is for him. If it does and someone gets butthurt, I apologize in advance. This is June unfiltered. I'm making this for him and I. Oh, right - the post - keep getting off track.

I get angry. I read sometimes and sometimes just walking in the world-  and I see women with the advantage of waking up with their men every single day, with no worries of having him ripped away. I see women who say they want to submit and then fight their mens' leadership. And I get angry.

   

I wonder if they know the impossible odds of finding that one person who fits out of all this vast sea of humanity?  I wonder if they the feel the fit of his puzzle piece against theirs, snugging  the places that were loose and vulnerable and insecure, and making them strong and unified and safe?

I wonder if  they realize that they have a privilege? A privilege to wake up in the night and feel his heat at their back, to hear his snore. To walk back in from the bathroom and see the lump of his form under the covers and hopefully feel that swell of love burst in their chest, as they race across the floor to curl up against him in the dark. I wonder if they know what a privilege it is to reach a hand absently beside them and have the security of brushing his?

I wonder if they realize the privilege of making dinner for their family, and setting a place at the head of the table, of not having to gaze at that empty space and feel their heart break and stuff it down so the children do not see?

I wonder if they realize that, in most cases they brought DD to the table, asked him to lead. And if they cherish that he takes that responsibility seriously? I wonder if they consider their art, their acquiescence, rather than that knee-jerk contention? I wonder if they know how tenuous all of life is?

         

I wonder if they realize that they have the privilege of having that man next to them in this moment, and how many women do not have that luxury? I wonder if they understand how many women live in fear of that distance, of that separation? It's a simple thing. It's something no woman - no couple -  who loves so deeply and so genuinely should ever have endure. And I get angry.

I am selfish. I want that privilege of lack of fear. I am selfish. I admit it. I am flawed. I own that. I want my man right next to me. I want his voice and his guidance, and his love, every moment of every single day. I want the absence of fear. I want the privilege of bowing to him, I want the privilege of submitting to him, every moment of every day. I want the privilege of feeling myself under his hand. I want it. I crave it. I need it. No amount of being his will ever be enough.

And I wonder, do you know how lucky you are? Are you aware of the privileges you have?
           

 

HIS POV:    
It is a privilege to wake up every morning to lead our family and to see your heart ache so, June, it makes my eyes mist and water.. One day the military chapter of our life will be over and new challenges and blessings await us. Indeed it is a hard thing to watch others struggle so with the blessings that we lack and in the wake of these emotions anger is a very natural and normal reaction.

This post is a post about pure honesty and without putting names to it, we'd like to say that the emotions so rawly and obviously displayed here are not directed towards any one person or persons, it is not our intent to cause hard feelings but  we do readily wish to convey how we feel.

Sometimes it is hard dealing with these things, the desire for assurance and family are desires I have held since entering the military over a decade ago.. Still, I do these things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard and one day, someday I hope that our children can see that even when it was difficult, even when it was heartbreaking that I did my duty like an honorable man... Giving way to sacrifice, I love my family and  though I grind my teeth I can understand how you feel, I love you and thank you for your support even when the night was blackest and day was longest... I thank you for being who you are and for contributing heavily to who we are... thank you, my love.

Male/HoH Communication

                                                                          

                                                    

Generally in my post I try to address both people in a  DD/TTWD relationship, but I've done some thinking about things and well... not this time.  I think I would like to address the ladies out there in blog land.  So ladies if you will take a moment to stop and listen I think we can all (guys reading along anyway included!) come to a better place.

                                                

Have you ever thought about the way your guy communicates with you?  Have you ever wondered why it's hard to get your fella to talk about certain things?  Well I'd like to say to all of you out there that honestly sometimes communication  for us exists on different levels than for the ladies. While this may seem obvious, it is worth investigating and understanding the values that we place on the way we communicate. I guess I'm not so different than many other men in that, I am pretty literal most of the time... now don't get me wrong I'd love to think I have a sense of humor and that I don't take things too seriously... but way, way, way more often than  not I tend to say what I mean.  Even down to the time of day, the color of the shirt that I will be wearing, the minute I will leave and return ... I am a literal kind of guy.                  

I have had to work hard with June to get better about it, but I also interpret what she says very literally and expect her to mean what she says. Time has taught me that not everything can be solved with logic and I can't always expect her to have my own particular point of view.   June has also had to realize these things about me and adjust her own methods of communication. June and I have worked long and hard to improve our communicative processes and it's a labor of love that will be continuous and rewarding.

One of the things that can get in the way of healthy communication regardless of our expectations and desires is assumption... Assumption can be a sticky thing indeed if we do not understand the way our partners think, react and respond to various forms of communication.  Have you ever talked about something in advance only to be confounded when your guy forgot or didn't  take an action? Well in your consternation, I would implore you to get down on a guys' level and understand the way he thinks and how he thinks... contrary to what you may believe, he isn't taking what you discussed for granted, undervaluing your feelings, or saying that your ideas, thoughts and words are unimportant... he may just need to be reminded of what you need, want or desire... communication on a continual basis is always important and yes, this can be achieved without nagging, without feelings getting hurt or without unnecessary silences that breaks the chain of  communication.

                                                                                                                      

Now along with communication and the need for it's continuous flow, lets talk about logic vs emotion.  To many guys, the most obvious course through something difficult is the logical one.  This isn't to say that emotions don't come into play... they do, but more often than not,  men have a tendency to see logic as the quickest, and surest way to a solution. Emotional things can be difficult for guys and I'm sure that many of you fine ladies in blog land can attest to this... I myself am no exception and can be quoted many times and many instances of telling June that something "wasn't logical"  In summation I would have you all use this information to better the communication processes between you and your partner.  Men are a lot of things, ladies, but we are not psychic. Communication openness and a willingness to freely discuss things will help us grow!

                                                

HER  POV:   Schnoots to logic, Daddy. I am an emotional creature. I will always be an emotional creature. But I acknowledge that he is the big picture man. Most of the men in our relationships are. They see past this split second in time to the varied repercussions of various courses of actions, how they will affect not only themselves, not only us, but also our families as a whole. You have to admit ladies, sometimes we get caught up in the feelings of the moment, and can't see as far as the effects . Yeah, that's their job. It's why we function better as balanced partners than as equal partners.

Sometimes they WILL forget. Understand that guys understand what we tell them,  but they are, as logical creatures, creatures that need to be primed for action. You don't get a computer program to function if you do not initiate the program. For our guys that is not - I feel sad; I feel widgey; I feel nervous. For our guys - initiate sequence looks more like this - I need you to __________. (hug me; cuddle me; spank me; reassure me, etc.).

If you tell him what you need, you are communicating. and remember back to the last post, when you do not you are not communicating clearly. When you try to push him in the direction of satisfying your needs with non-verbal communication which may accelerate into poor behavior i e, topping from the bottom.

It is not nagging to remind him, "Do you remember I shared with you that I need to feel your Dominance when.....? Well I need your help now, please?" Sometimes, ladies, we are too willing to blame the lack of effective communication on our partners, but I can tell you from experience, I bear at least as much responsibility as does Ward for the times it takes us longer to find resolution.

Tested

 

The life of a submissive woman is full of tests. There are the conscious tests that our men present us with to help us learn to bend,  to help us stretch our limits, our horizons, our trust. These come as expectations of deference, expectations of obedience, expectations of grace. We are expected to follow the rules we establish for our relationships. As we all know sometimes just everyday life makes simple compliance a test all in itself. And we are tested to take that moment to compose ourselves and not reply with that knee-jerk snappy response, or eye-roll. There are the tests designed to deepen our submission - those calls or texts, with instructions, so that we can feel ourselves under their hands. There are those deepening tests that call us to make more public displays of our submission, wearing some symbol of his control or our submission in public, be it visible or invisible, it is there and we are acutely aware. There are the tests in discipline, a hated implement, a more vigorous than normal spanking, and our efforts to yield gracefully.




There are the tests we give ourselves, in submitting gracefully,  even when it's hard. We try to be anticipatory in service. We try to provide those things that make home refuge without being asked, to provide extraordinary comfort before he knows what he needs. We test ourselves when given the choice to choose an implement and we choose perhaps not our favorite, but his - or one that presents a challenge to us, because doing so signifies our trust and our desire to give him that. We test ourselves when we sense that he needs to feel our submission and we offer ourselves freely to him. We test ourselves in giving our willing hearts, and our softest demeanor.


And there are the tests that life throws our way. These may be the hardest of all because maybe they shake our men as well - the ones that are our anchors, the ones we lean on, the ones we depend on. And it's disconcerting to see them struggle - we want to think that they have all the answers...right now. What happens when they have career decisions to make? What happens when you are in financial negotiations? What happens when someone else holds the future of your family in their hands? This is where you must put your trust in the hands of your HoH. This is his job to handle the negotiations to the best of his ability and steer the ship in the best direction for your family. It is hard, and when you worry and obsess it is the same as saying you do not have confidence in your man.



I can speak on this with confidence because this is where we have been. I give Ward my deference in all things. It is my place to do so, and I relish the giving. There is talk periodically in blogland about layers. I've spoken before about being dismayed to feel I have given my complete submission, and finding another layer... finding a place of resistance... finding a place where I fail. This is my latest layer. People who administrate the process make promises and drag their heels, change the offerings, put things on the table that would cause our family to be separated. And instead of handing my worries to him, I allow distance to grow... so he cannot see my worry, don't you know.

Except that's not what is happening. I'm not shielding him. I am depriving him of comfort and support. I am not being his soft place to land. He needs to know I am in his corner. He needs to know that I trust him to make the right decision. He needs my confidence in his vision for our family. So my darling, I unclamp my fist, and I put this in your hands. I trust you to lead us. I open my heart and give you the love and the need that fed this fear. I acknowledge that this fear was unfounded, because you will always have this family in the fore of your mind. I submit my fear to you.

Worries are nothing more than little puffs of nothings when we are together, when we love and support each other, when we have each other's backs and the best interest of each other, our relationship and our family at heart.

HIS POV: 

June's trust and faith in me shake me to the very core. The thoughts of an HoH, the thoughts of a future more blessed are heavy and browsome indeed. Practicing and honing the art of deference, submission when it is not an easy thing to do is a crown of light unto June and a wreath of stars around her neck.  She is the apple of my eye and again my greatest blessing. The life I lead is not an easy one and I am not always such a easy man to know. Even on the hard days I recognize the effort that she places in her emotion and reaction to things that aren't always easy to hear or when perhaps fatigue has gotten the better of me.  She is always there, always trying, always deepening her submission and always quenching the rampant thirst of my dominance.

Layers of thoughts, dreams, worries, fears are only natural, especially when the sum of the future is held by a larger entity.  But that's it! In this I have found that with June's love, confidence, submission, deference, input, and energy and my determination, strength, dedication and commitment there is no wrong path... As long as she has my back, and as long as I can show her that I have the best interest of our family in mind. The future brings many questions but one thing that is not in question is our love... it grows bright and hot like a curling flame devouring kindling, it swells like a cresting wave, and quenches like cold water on a hot day. Responsibility is a burden, yes, but one that I bear with joy in my heart and determination to see my family lifted and blessed the best way I can.  I may yet continue in service to this country, I may exit and focus on education and the future while working to provide in many other ways...either way this is for my family, all of us, and I will not falter...

"Oh love! Where you are close, I'd hear the beating of your heart... My ear would hear the soft whispers of your heart... your worries, your dreams, I must demand them... I will take them and I will not fail you. I will guard your heart, as you would guard mine and in our love we will shake the very heavens." ~BTL

Lesson learned, fear shed

Part of our relationships are about growth and learning. Sometimes that is not a painless process. I have had several great revelations throughout my relationship with Ward. I just had another one... it shook me with it's magnitude and it shook him, at first negatively, thinking that I doubted him. Then, when I reached the conclusion, we began to rebuild with a new understanding.

It started with a question..."Daddy, do you think I'm real?" No, that wasn't like, do you think I'm too good to be true, that was, do you think I am genuine or a faker? "I'm afraid that the mask will fall away and that I will be ugly underneath." And it was met with the words that cut me to the core and make me bleed my faithlessness. "Why are you afraid to see the positive? Is not my love good? Does blessing not find you?"

Why would I think such a thing? I came from a woman with a dark heart. She could love no one but her self. My father...very distant... I think.... still do, though he denies it, that there is a distance because I was born from that darkness. I spent most of my life not knowing how to be, but having a vivid example of what not to be, how not to do things, how not to treat people. I have a recurring dream of her, one that wakes me up screaming, her head on the body of a viper, that sly, portentous smile that harbored the most impure of intents. She was mistress of disguise to entrap, then she attacked and destroyed.






I, myself, in this life have borne many masks. They were the masks I wore when I was told that I was not enough, to keep a love that did not really exist. My fingers curled from the burden of carrying these masks throughout my life. When I found this man who loved me in a genuine way, in an ever-growing, deep and abiding way, I waited to be not enough. We got past that hurdle. Then I began to fear that I was full of guile, that I would shed a mask one day and he would see the 'real me' and be disgusted.






And as we talked, and his words braided into the lifeline that I have come to rely on, I saw that my hands were empty...for the first time ever, my fingers are unfurled and unburdened. I carry no mask, I hold no guile...with him, I am an open heart. I have always stood naked before him, because for him, I have always been enough. And the realization that struck me like thunder? I'm afraid to be her. I'm afraid that having come from her, she will slither out of my soul. But he has taught me, enough that I can feel it, enough that I can see it, enough that I can believe it....I am not her. My heart is not dark. I will not break open and spill venom on those that I love because I bear none.




And this man, whom I love with all that I am and all that I have gives me the gift of freedom. He reaches beyond the wounds that my fear and insecurity cause to him to heal me.

Thank you, Daddy. I don’t have to be afraid anymore. I AM naked before you, there is nothing to fall away. You have always given me the freedom, the gift of being my true self for the first time ever. There were burdens I bore and masks I wore before in vain attempts to be loved. But you long ago stripped me of artifice. I feel lighter, and I have shed another fear. 

No other love in all of the world... in all of my life, there's been no other love. 

HIS POV:
June, came to me damaged in a deep and profound way. The impact that this negative person she speaks of is obvious sometimes even during joy.  I am so thankful that you have learned to let me in and let me show you the light which that person tried to hide from the world.. I saw it right away and even when you struggled... it was there.  You are my true love and greatest blessing and I thank God so much for you! Thank you for letting me take the burden from your shoulders and lead you to a place of light and love. It is a true blessing to love you!

Respect, Courage, and Learning to Lead by Listening

                                                     

  When you hear the word respect, it may inspire thoughts of  learning, reconsideration, contrition, love, discipline, courage, honor, or any of a number of other adjectives.  Respect is something that is earned, learned, honored and freely given. It should never be taken for granted or forgotten. 

  Sometimes respect isn't so simple as dominance and submission, sometimes, true, real respect is the measure of a man or woman. It can be the difference between the unspoken part of the truth,  and clearing the air. It can be the difference between little gestures that create fissures and gaps, and a full functioning partnership that effectively considers and weighs all factors without purposefully dampening or alienating the other person.

                                  

                                                                                                                                
                  
  In the light of dominance a man should learn that sometimes respect should guide his decisions, words and actions toward his wife and children. I cannot say what may be for others, but in my relationship with June, I make it a point to use and select my words with the utmost care. I know that sometimes my decisions and my words may not be easy to hear or accept, but I know that my demeanor, my attitude can influence the way conversations and expectations are received. Sometimes I know that I must do or say something that won't exactly be well received... but let's be honest nobody said that this life was easy or fair.  No, being in a DD marriage isn't for cowards or those that  are looking for the easy way out.

                                                
 Honesty is a pillar of any kind of strong relationship. Honesty's value lies in it's solidity and unyielding love and devotion.  Sometimes honesty stings and even hurts...but at least it's real. Respecting your partner enough to give them honesty in all things, even the small ones are important... having the courage to approach your partner when they are struggling and tell them the truth, even when you know that it is a sensitive issue  is easier said than done, but If you can't be honest with your partner, then how can you really be honest with yourself?  Respect, courage and honesty are all pillars of a healthy and thriving relationship... They test us all from time to time and we all become stronger due to their influence.  When we choose one we are choosing all three... Gone is the halfhearted conversation with the tv on, gone are the rolling eyes, gone is the interrupted speech and the "whatevers"  Cohesion, reciprocity, and a willingness to make things right when we mess up have granted June and I that something that cannot easily be described, it is like a warm blanket on a cold rainy day.  It is like ambrosia on the tongue, and relaxing music to the ear.

                                            

   We work at it every day... June gave me so many gifts in our relationship. She empowered me to lead. She welcomed my strength, didn't cower from my intellect, or run from my dominance.  Together we have learned and continue to learn much from each other. I know that I mess up sometimes... Sometimes being an HoH is a difficult thing. She sometimes tells me that I am harder than I need be on myself but I guess that's only because I want to do this right. I know that even when it won't be easy or fun, that I have a privilege, a responsibility and a calling to do the right thing by my family. June is also one of the strongest people I know and I know that even if it's something I don't care to hear that she loves me enough to be honest with me. Our respect for each other continues to grow and thrive in the wake of the world around us.

How many times have you been out with your partner and you noticed that vanilla couples seem so disconnected, even  when they are holding hands? How many times have you seen or heard people being rude or cruel to each other?   Maybe I'm just a fuddy-duddy but I think any man that calls himself husband or leader should never be so disrespectful to his wife or partner as to swear at her or bully her when she's trying her best... I also believe that no woman who calls herself wife or partner should ever be so self absorbed and disrespectful as to blatantly ignore his wishes, try to talk over him in conversation, or belittle and besmirch their relationship. Part of me pities these folks and would make a suggestion or two on what should happen and how communication should work, but I use these types of people as an inspiration for what I strive to never be as a husband and father. No it's not always easy, but even when it's hard, it is good, and it is real. 

                                                  

Strong leadership, love, and a dedication to treat each other right is something that any couple DD, TTWD, or otherwise can gain something so deep and pure from. These things are the foundation for a lifetime.



                                                                 


Her POV:
This is a topic that Daddy and I talk about all the time. I see things that make me shudder...you know that Ward is my Daddy...we have accounts on FetLife. A lot of the littles seem to take pride in being brats. It makes me uncomfortable. It's not who I am, it's not what I want to be, it's not what I want to give him. He deserves better than that from me. Even sometimes...one I read today... she found it hard to say - yes, Daddy - please, Daddy - thank you, Daddy. Gosh, no matter what kind of relationship you have, vanilla, D/s, M/s, D/lg....doesn't matter, those things are basic respect.

Respect implies connection, honesty, being open to your partner, not shutting them out. I've said it before, we've been out and come around the corner of an aisle and seen people fighting, snarling, voices raised, mean looks, or talking to each other with ugly words...it feels like an affront. I sink a little further into him. We live in a college town, at graduation last year, the streets were packed with people. The thing I noticed was the physical and emotional distance. No one touched, no smiles, no talking, no looking at each other, not connecting on any level. Out of all the thousands of people we saw, there was one couple holding hands, and they were so far removed from each other that their hands were at 90 degree angles to their bodies.

I am far from perfect, I got as little snappy last night, but when I realized it, I apologized, and he apologized for the statement that led me to react not so much as myself. And it turns out that he did because he was troubled by an exchange with a friend. But we had not crossed so far that we could not hear each other and communicate about the real issue and our little momentary rough patch.

I had a live in  example as to what I did not wish to be. The woman who gave birth to me had no respect for anyone. She thrived on denigrating people...every man she was ever with. It repulsed me. And I joked with my therapist on more than one occasion, I had no example of what to be...as a wife and as a mother....but I sure had very clear examples of what not to be. We are unfailingly honest with each other....if we are not, what do we have? We can let each other know that we were hurt, put off our feet, disarmed, upset...respectfully. Sometimes not in the moment, but later when we have out thoughts elucidated... we can ask to speak to our partner, and say "I was hurt/upset/didn't understand/need clarity on..." And we retain and enrich our relationship...we enforce that we can turn to each other.

He is my greatest blessing, thinking of what to write here, I am writing with tears streaming down my cheeks. I empower him to lead, and he empowers me to be who I am. He empowers me to express my heart in the soft way that feels good and natural to me. I have all my life been a step out of time. I am the Kool-Aid mom, loved the smell of fresh laundry, and flour on my face and clothing with the aroma of fresh bread permeating the air. I have had to carry my family before... alone....from the time I was about 5, thinking of how I could make peace in the house. When I was 9 and cooking, cleaning, paying the bills so it would get done, and through my first three relationships. I should be more, want more.... money,  promotions, status. I was the hamster on the wheel that drove me into the ground.
I longed for reciprocity, and I gave myself dry.

I am submissive to Ward...that is a gift because it is who I am. I only have to be exactly who I am - I can be soft. I can be vulnerable. And I am elevated, never looked down on or thought weak. To hear Ward say that I am strong amazes me. In bending to him, in surrendering the trappings of this society and the mask I was forced to assume, in yielding my will to him, I am stronger, and have a joy I have never known. I receive respect that I have never experienced before. I enjoy honesty that has been lacking all of my life. Courage? Ward is courageous, he says I am, but I don't know about that. I know that I am free from fear for the first time ever.

I don't know how much sense any of this has made. I am a jumble right now. So much emotion bubbling, so much love, so much respect for this man who lets me be, lets me feel, who love me, who lifts me up. You have worried, my love, that you are lacking, but you are more than I ever dreamed. You ARE the ideal that I cobbled from my needs, desires, hurts, hopes and dreams. You are honest, and I am completely without guile in your love. I am honored to call you my love, my heart, my man, my leader. I love you, simply, fearlessly, courageously, and with complete honesty. 

I need your grace

We struggle, my Darling, under the weight of all these fears. And like the song exhorts, I would wish that I could just lay down here, have you lie with me and we could just forget the world, duty, and submarines, and distance.

I promised you long ago that I would be your safe place to land. I hope that I do that, you deserve that, and I need to give you that. In these days, with their interminable waiting, and trepidation of the possible news, I try to be supportive. I pray for the grace that I need to serve us and to support you in your duty. And I am afraid that in trying to protect you from the rawness of my fear, that I have not been that soft place.

"I need your grace to remind me to find my own" - and I tell you that I am afraid of the distance and that I don't understand why I am pushing away, and the soft fingers on my face and the gentle voice, "I think I understand, lovey" and you speak my heart, and I cry. I cry because I have been blessed with grace beyond measure. I have been blessed with you. And I find my belief in all that is good, and I find my faith that this is meant to be, and I find that God has given me all the grace that I will ever need in you.

I love you, and I thank you for your faith, your patience, your love, your strength,your guidance, gentle. And I thank God every single second of every single day for you.



HIS POV: 
God grant me the strength to be the man that you deserve. His grace is unquestionable and I am only his instrument. I pray for that nightly and my blessing in you is manifest and undeniable. Grace is there even through the difficult times, even when it isn't easy, even when it hurts. What we have is always beautiful, always powerful and I think even when you are quiet, even when the distance is there, you can feel it.... I love you... and I thank the Lord for blessing me beyond my wildest of dreams.

How do I live?

      "He was the most beautiful and appealing man she had ever known...She gripped his hand, shivering with fear  and inexpressibly grateful that fate had combed her and him from the tangle of humanity, and that love had braided them together in marriage.
        He drew her into his arms. She held fast to him.
        One ear against his chest, she listened to his heart. The beat was strong, at first quickened by anxiety, but then growing calmer.
        Her heart slowed to match the pace of his.
        Steel has a high melting point, but higher still when it is alloyed with tungsten. Cashmere is a strong fabric, as is silk; however, a cashmere-and-silk blend will provide more warmth to the wearer than will either fabric alone.
         Alone, she had learned at a young age to carry all the weight of the world piled on her. As long as she had him, she could endure not just the terrors of this world but all those that might come from beyond it." The Taking: A Novel - Dean Koontz
 

I was reading yesterday and this passage struck me deeply. It could have been written about Ward and me. I've told the story before of how we met. Even then at that first contact, I found him to be the most appealing man I had ever known. The first time we spoke on the phone, I had to mop myself up off the floor. The man has the most incredible voice I have ever heard. It's deep and rich and smooth - it is the salted caramel sauce of voices.

The first time we stood in the same room, it was literally like all the air had been sucked from the room, and every other person and every other structure just disappeared in a puff of dissipating color, texture and substance. He took my hand and I was anchored. He wrapped his arms around me and for the first time in my life I felt safe, and very much like our characters in the book excerpt, my heartbeat slowed from the thunderous rhythm of fear that had driven my life, and met his calm, soothing, assured rhythm, and I knew that I would never again shoulder any burden alone. 

 

He gathered the tattered threads of my heart, my soul, my concept of self, my shattered hope, and he has added his, and we are weaving them into tapestry that is strong, resilient, comforting and the most beautiful thing I have ever experienced. For the first time ever, I am free to be who I am, not having to hide any part of myself. For the first time ever I see a beauty in myself. There is nothing that I cannot do with him at my side.  






 
And yet, I have to consider periods of time without him - that makes me desperate. As I write, we are waiting for word that will dictate whether Ward must deploy in the very near future. If he does, our family will be separated for Thanksgiving and Christmas. This will be our third. We are stronger than any deployment. We can do it. I know we can.I simply don't want to. 

 
I don't want to say - goodbye, be safe, see you soon, I love you, we'll make you proud. I don't want to wait on pins and needles every day for the mailman to see if there is something...anything from him. I don't want to send packages and pictures and things that keep his spirits up and feeling our love and wonder if they ever reach him, or they will be delivered after he finally gets home. I don't want to watch our children cry and say they miss him. I don't want to cry into my pillow every night, wishing for his heat, the sound of his breathing that makes me smile in the night, his arms and his sleep-honeyed voice saying, "be a good girl and go back to sleep" and snuggling against him hearing his heartbeat and letting it lull me. I don't want to walk through Walmart and stop suddenly feeling like I have been gut-punched and wondering if I can get out of there before I collapse. I don't want to. 

But if it is required of me, I will. I have this superstitious belief that you should not pray for a specific outcome, you may get what you want, but it may be wrapped in 30 things you don't. So I will pray to my God that He will grant the thing that is best for our family - for my man, our children and me. And I will accept what comes - even if it puts miles between us, because even then it will never tear us apart - and I will pray for the grace that I need to do it honorably and in a way that brings pride to my Ward and our family.. 
 

HIS POV:   
I'm in tears as I write this... To be blessed with such a beautiful, loving, intelligent and sweet lady to share a life and a family with.... It is nothing short of the grace of God.  It is incredibly humbling sharing something so sweet and romantic and powerful... I don't want to have to do those things either, to be absent life sweeter lived in proximity and harmony.... I will do my duty but, my family is always with me in my heart... It is an honor to love you June, and I know sometimes, this life demands too much of us, but I will not fail you.  Our love is strong enough, and the Lord's grace is sufficient.