DD/TTWD, Spanking, and Self-Discovery

                                                        

                                                                    

DD/TTWD is truly an amazing, vibrant lifestyle. We get the benefit of learning and being even more mindful of our partner's ideas, thoughts, dreams and desires. Even though June and I came into our relationship "as is", we have also discovered much about each other. When we were at the "feeling out" stage of our relationship,  there was certainly some trepidation about some of the things that we both felt and enjoyed. We have routinely  been delighted to find out that our communication has  led to us  being completely and utterly on the same page. June and I have come to realize that we probably belong to a sub-category of DD/TTWDers that may in fact be all our own.  We have alluded to, suggested, and even plainly stated that we are in fact spanking enthusiasts as well as a practicing DD/TTWD couple.

                                                                  

 I guess to some that might seem like an oxymoron, but June and I couldn't imagine life any other way. We also know that there are quite a few professed "spank-nos" out there.  I would also go a bit further and dare ask a question.... What if the line were blurred? What would happen if spanking wasn't used strictly for correction? What would happen if you discovered a wonderful tool that led to you talking more, touching more, kissing more, and making love deeper and stronger?  I'm sure you're all saying that it's easy for me to say and that my own backside isn't on the line, but truth is that far beyond correction or even discipline, there is something about spanking that calls to our shared sense of intimacy. It's more than just sexy, it's more than just something we do, it's who we are and what we share with nobody else. It brings us clarity, focus and speaks deep of the devotion that we hone daily.

                                                                                                 

                                           

 It doesn't necessarily have to be spanking.  We realize  that everyone is different, unique, special. That is in fact part of the magic of relationships. Romance, dedication and communication can unveil more than what simply passes a passionate fancy... No, sometimes intimate, connective time unveils a deeper side of our relationship. The kind we guard, the kind we have a thirst for... Those defining intimate moments that you savor while you are at work and pop into your head while you are doing a load of laundry. Even now typing this I am reminded of the thirst I have for June's love, affection, touch and sweet, soft kindness.  Every day in every way this energy, this intimacy defines a relationship.  June and I just happen to think that spanking in it's many sumptuous forms happens to be a perfect vehicle for this.

                                                              

Self-discovery begins with but a few words, communication is the key. Do you have a unrequited passion that you long to share with your partner? Tell them, show them how you feel, and that it's more than that tingly feeling  or something that curls your toes.  Trepidation much?  Sometimes the only way to gain new ground is to take the first step and give voice to our thoughts, dreams, and yes, desires.  Likewise, take the time to give ear to the voice of your partner... Work together to find that special place that belongs to you as a couple and you as a couple alone.  Find that spark, let if blossom into the beautiful flames of deep intimacy. 

                                                  

 Knowing these things, DD/TTWD has actually improved in every aspect for us.  That connection we speak of, that intimacy drives us to be our best. June is the best woman that I've ever had the pleasure to know, and she puts everything into being loving wife, mother, and best friend.  DD/TTWD also makes me want to be a better man, to be a good father and to bring love and light to our family. Who would have thought a teensy, tiny little spanking would do all that?!





                               

Her POV:

I was raised in a culture of guilt. I accept the blame for everything, and I mean everything. I stress from life in general, I didn't do well enough, I didn't give enough, I shouldn't have been annoyed at the children, the laundry wasn't done, I didn't finish an assignment, dinner was delayed or something happened along the way and a step took longer than it should have. I am my own worst critic.

I take things to heart. Sometimes I am overly sensitive. Things are said that are innocuous, but I get upset. Or just the trials of life, things beyond  our control, I fret, and knowing how much is on his plate, hold them in, effectively building walls. I rely on him to help me. Spankings break down those walls and keep us stripped and open, close and communicating.

At other times there is nothing as intimate as laying yourself bare across his lap, open for his touch, in all the ways he chooses to touch you. It is a wonderful, warm, soft, surrendered, vulnerable, cared for, loved, protected feeling. It, too, is stripped away intimacy.

Spanking for us is the tool, the vehicle that we use to drive our relationship. I look to him to support me as I support him, to elevate me as I elevate him, to hold me accountable, to change my 'stinkin' thinkin', to correct me when I stray from our truth, to help me be open, soft, feminine and vulnerable. For us, these things often start with me across his lap, with his leadership and my trust,with my vulnerability and his acceptance, and with the gift to each other of authenticity, of his Dominance and my submission.

Strength and Softness and Balance

                                                 

 Strength... The word has defined my life.  I understand it deeper all the time, and I respect it's something that I have had to have all of the days of my life.  When I was a child, I never measured up to the expecations of it... And now sometimes I have to learn that their are other things in life that mean so much more than mere strength.  I'm 6'4 275lbs and I am strong... sometimes, I let my youngest hang off of my arm and enjoy that expression of wonder and brightness that only exists in the very young. Still, next to mental, emotional, and spiritual strength, my physical strength is nothing. There are things I don't like to talk about, and I promise that I won't get into here, but I have definitely seen more than my share of hard times throughout my life. The battles of the heart and mind are the toughest for me and that seems to have been the case since I was young. Still sometimes I must remind myself that at times there are no easy answers and there are no shortcuts  when it comes to dealing with the minds and hearts of the ones that I hold dear, the ones that look to me for answers.

                                                                      

 Sometimes the physical expression of my strength comes in handy and in fact is quite useful.  I am a good one to know when there is moving to be done, I'm deceptively athletic and am often able to parlay these physical skills into completing work and work related task quicker and more efficiently. I am prouder still of the mental and  emotional strength that I am able to provide my family with. Our boys have special needs  and many times they need a stable, male influence that provides  mentorship, confidence, and a voice of experience. I know that they haven't always had that, and it thrills me when I am able to help them see the actualization of their own potential.  More than strength alone, I have also realized that somtimes, more than just goal oriented focus and a direct, stern approach, they also need my unconditional acceptance, patience, and wisdom.  As I pondered these things, It became abundantly clear that these concepts can and should be easily applied to a DD/TTWD relationship. 

                                                   

 Throughout our relationship, I have learned and discovered that sometimes my initial thoughts on a subject or experience often require a second look... We both put a lot of work into this relationship, and I am one HoH who is ready to admit that he cares enough to be worried about the message that he sends his Wife.  Sometimes I don't always communicate well... and while I'm not proud of the way that I've handled everything, I generally feel that we do a good job of giving each other the respect, honor and attention that we as individuals deserve, but also as a couple... Sometimes a direct, logic-oriented approach just isn't the answer. Sometimes we get the most mileage and growth by making ourselves emotionally available to each other when we are at our most vulnerable.  Our life is often hectic, loud, noisy, and full of interesting little twists and turns that often leave us frazzled... it goes without saying that a frazzled husband or wife does not make for a smooth relationship environment.  Thus, it behooves me, the HoH, to be mindful of his words and deeds and balanced in his approach to his relationship.

                     

                                                     

Sometimes being my June's soft landing place, her shoulder to cry on and her ear to listen when things aren't easy is a something that I am proud to be able to give her.  Balancing strength, discipline, love, and  reciprocity yields big benefits, and while I don't always get everything right... She loves me enough to let me learn, let me grow, and do the same for me when I need it... I really don't want to think about where I would be if it weren't for June.. Even when I am not at my best she shows me that she loves me, she doesn't just tell me, she shows that she has faith in me... faith in us and in turn, this gives me the kind of confidence that a HoH requires in order to be effective... I am blessed and thankful to be able to count on my June for love, support and understanding and I hope that she can say the same of me. 

                                                               

Finding the balance between strength and softness and recognizing these same qualities within each other is a very helpful tool when we are finding each other through stress and day to day life. It gives us a guide in the difficult times and highlights and accentuates the good times.  We hope that you all have an opportunity to see what Balancing strength and softness can do for your relationship... You won't be disappointed.


Her POV:

Have I mentioned how very much I like it when Daddy calls me 'his June'? How very warm and like an enchanted princess it makes me feel?...

I have never had any one I could depend on I was always the one who had to be strong for everyone. And it wore me out. I wonder sometimes that Daddy can continue to exhibit that strength of heart and of character I worry that it will wear on him as well. But he seems to thrive on it. And it is so lovely to be able to sink into him.

I know that we have very high and exacting standards for our relationship, but in all reality I think Daddy is too hard on himself regarding how he communicates. I have never had anyone who cares so deeply about hearing my concerns and communicating well.

And in those times when it is hard, when I shut down, and he pulls it out of me, and I'm sure he will run for the hills, he never does. He uses that strength to pull out those things from my heart, and then he holds me up when I am sure I cannot go another step.

I do have faith in my Daddy and slowly he's teaching me to have faith in myself. I am proud of my Daddy, and what he brings to our family. I am proud of how well we communicate, I am proud of this man who has been along so long, and never exposed to children, let alone sometimes difficult children, and a definitely difficult woman, can hold us up and steer us in the right direction as a productive, cohesive unit that moves with grace and unity.

Tested

 

The life of a submissive woman is full of tests. There are the conscious tests that our men present us with to help us learn to bend,  to help us stretch our limits, our horizons, our trust. These come as expectations of deference, expectations of obedience, expectations of grace. We are expected to follow the rules we establish for our relationships. As we all know sometimes just everyday life makes simple compliance a test all in itself. And we are tested to take that moment to compose ourselves and not reply with that knee-jerk snappy response, or eye-roll. There are the tests designed to deepen our submission - those calls or texts, with instructions, so that we can feel ourselves under their hands. There are those deepening tests that call us to make more public displays of our submission, wearing some symbol of his control or our submission in public, be it visible or invisible, it is there and we are acutely aware. There are the tests in discipline, a hated implement, a more vigorous than normal spanking, and our efforts to yield gracefully.




There are the tests we give ourselves, in submitting gracefully,  even when it's hard. We try to be anticipatory in service. We try to provide those things that make home refuge without being asked, to provide extraordinary comfort before he knows what he needs. We test ourselves when given the choice to choose an implement and we choose perhaps not our favorite, but his - or one that presents a challenge to us, because doing so signifies our trust and our desire to give him that. We test ourselves when we sense that he needs to feel our submission and we offer ourselves freely to him. We test ourselves in giving our willing hearts, and our softest demeanor.


And there are the tests that life throws our way. These may be the hardest of all because maybe they shake our men as well - the ones that are our anchors, the ones we lean on, the ones we depend on. And it's disconcerting to see them struggle - we want to think that they have all the answers...right now. What happens when they have career decisions to make? What happens when you are in financial negotiations? What happens when someone else holds the future of your family in their hands? This is where you must put your trust in the hands of your HoH. This is his job to handle the negotiations to the best of his ability and steer the ship in the best direction for your family. It is hard, and when you worry and obsess it is the same as saying you do not have confidence in your man.



I can speak on this with confidence because this is where we have been. I give Ward my deference in all things. It is my place to do so, and I relish the giving. There is talk periodically in blogland about layers. I've spoken before about being dismayed to feel I have given my complete submission, and finding another layer... finding a place of resistance... finding a place where I fail. This is my latest layer. People who administrate the process make promises and drag their heels, change the offerings, put things on the table that would cause our family to be separated. And instead of handing my worries to him, I allow distance to grow... so he cannot see my worry, don't you know.

Except that's not what is happening. I'm not shielding him. I am depriving him of comfort and support. I am not being his soft place to land. He needs to know I am in his corner. He needs to know that I trust him to make the right decision. He needs my confidence in his vision for our family. So my darling, I unclamp my fist, and I put this in your hands. I trust you to lead us. I open my heart and give you the love and the need that fed this fear. I acknowledge that this fear was unfounded, because you will always have this family in the fore of your mind. I submit my fear to you.

Worries are nothing more than little puffs of nothings when we are together, when we love and support each other, when we have each other's backs and the best interest of each other, our relationship and our family at heart.

HIS POV: 

June's trust and faith in me shake me to the very core. The thoughts of an HoH, the thoughts of a future more blessed are heavy and browsome indeed. Practicing and honing the art of deference, submission when it is not an easy thing to do is a crown of light unto June and a wreath of stars around her neck.  She is the apple of my eye and again my greatest blessing. The life I lead is not an easy one and I am not always such a easy man to know. Even on the hard days I recognize the effort that she places in her emotion and reaction to things that aren't always easy to hear or when perhaps fatigue has gotten the better of me.  She is always there, always trying, always deepening her submission and always quenching the rampant thirst of my dominance.

Layers of thoughts, dreams, worries, fears are only natural, especially when the sum of the future is held by a larger entity.  But that's it! In this I have found that with June's love, confidence, submission, deference, input, and energy and my determination, strength, dedication and commitment there is no wrong path... As long as she has my back, and as long as I can show her that I have the best interest of our family in mind. The future brings many questions but one thing that is not in question is our love... it grows bright and hot like a curling flame devouring kindling, it swells like a cresting wave, and quenches like cold water on a hot day. Responsibility is a burden, yes, but one that I bear with joy in my heart and determination to see my family lifted and blessed the best way I can.  I may yet continue in service to this country, I may exit and focus on education and the future while working to provide in many other ways...either way this is for my family, all of us, and I will not falter...

"Oh love! Where you are close, I'd hear the beating of your heart... My ear would hear the soft whispers of your heart... your worries, your dreams, I must demand them... I will take them and I will not fail you. I will guard your heart, as you would guard mine and in our love we will shake the very heavens." ~BTL

Change, growth, trust and submission

I don't exactly know what to call this post. It comes as a rumination after talking to my therapist. We have had a therapeutic relationship for longer than Daddy and I have been us. She has said before that she didn't see me as submissive. Which kind of surprised me. I am no different than I have ever been, and I have always desired to be who I am in this moment. The difference? Ward. Without Ward I have no one worthy to receive or to accept my submission.

I have always been who I am at my core, and I have always been unhappy. I have always been the one that had to take care of everyone, to gather all the edges and not let anything spill. And let me tell you, it is exhausting. I'm not made to thrive on that kind of thing. I did it because I had to. I did it because my need to serve meant that I had to do that which was necessary when the other person did not. I am logical and efficient and effective ..... and I don't love it. I am meant to nurture, to cultivate... to serve.





In the course of our weekly conversations, I have talked about my need to understand. I want to know why you want me to do things. And if you work for me, I will make sure you understand the why as well, it makes you feel invested. I want to know the details. I dislike uncertainty and surprises. I want to know what you know. Knowing helps me be prepared for any contingency. This is what she knows about me.





This past week we talked about some things going on in Ward's career path that affect our family. She asked, "Do you know..?" No. "When will you know?" I don't know. She sat for a minute and said doesn't this bother you? You're the one who has to know everything. I thought for a minute too, and I smiled. Nope, doesn't bother me, when he knows I'll know. She said, "This is so unlike the you I know."

So I thought about it - you know me - that's what I do - "Why did this not bother me? Why was I not a neurotic bundle of nerves?" And the answer is simply that I trust him. He is my HoH, he is my leader. He will ask my opinion before he makes a decision. He will shoulder the greater part of the burden. He will take care of us - of me. I have never, ever in my life been able to trust another human being to that extent. That realization made me smile.

Then I wondered - because when I'm not thinking, I'm wondering - what if he thinks that my not asking means that I am uninterested or that I don't care? So I asked him. Does it bother you that I don't ask you tons of questions about things? I mean it to show that I trust you, and not that it doesn't matter. He said that he loves knowing that he has my confidence and that I trust his judgement. And I do. And then it occurred to me, that maybe that's part of my submission to him, too.




It is many things, and hence the confusion with the name for this post. I have changed, and it is growth, because I freely and with great embarrassment admit that I was an anal, neurotic mess. And it signifies the trust that I have in my Ward. And it is one more thing that I give over to him. The only worry that I have - and I ask him all the time - is this too much? Do I lean too much? Is the burden too heavy? Because having to do that, to carry that wears on me. But my man - he thrives on it.





I see us sometimes like a tree. We - tall and straight and strong. He - slightly rugged (yum!), dug deep into the earth, stretching far above and providing shelter. I - the earth into which he plants his roots, that feeds him and helps to support our family, and his roots hold us together. We are intertwined in so many ways. We would be so much less alone, together we are a thing of beauty.
I love you, Daddy.

HIS POV:  

My dearest June, your faith, affection and love mean so much more to me than I can express here. Your love and confidence in me and us staggers and delights me so... you have grown so much and have made me a stronger man... and to that I can only say thank you... I Love you Babygirl!

Hello, Hello!

Hello everyone!

I just wanted to post a huge thank you to everyone who supported and inspired my June while I was gone!  Your thoughts and well wishes helped make this an easier deployment.  June is positively glowing with growth and strength and I thank you all for your kind words and thoughts. I need to get back to posting on the regular and I promise that I will do just that soon.  For now,  I thought it might be nice to tell you....


  11  Things you didn't know about me.

- My favorite color is green
- I am highly alergic to seafood
- I have a birthmark on my right hand
- My favorite beverage is chai (spiced that is)
- I have an almost unreasonable fondness for lemons and lemony things
- Birdwatching is one of my hobbies
- Collects collector's editions of the game "Monopoly"
-  Loves cloudy and rainy days (good spanking weather)
-  Favorite season of the year is autumn
-  Loves to sing old rock and roll and R and B songs while showering
-  Thinks that there should be a holiday devoted to spankings and oral sex.

random no?!  Anyway,  just saying hello and thanks!   Hope to post something better soon!

~Ward

Her POV:

Hey, Daddy! You got our 100th post! Woo-hoo- that is a double reason to celebrate! Spankings and Oral Sex Day you say? :D

The Well-Balanced Power Exchange Relationship

Those of you familiar with FetLife know that you can view the feeds/activities of your friends, just like Facebook. I came upon an extraordinary piece of writing today, written by my friend, PhyrrImp. This is a well-balanced piece regarding the dynamics of a healthy power exchange relationship. I wanted to share, because regardless of  whether you consider yourself a DD couple, D/lg, D/s or M/s, this is an excellent measure of what you should require of your partner and of yourself. I thank PhyrrImp for her permission to share this. And I hope others find this as helpful and informational as I did.

************************** 

 

The Well-Balanced Power Exchange Relationship

 The Dom

The Protector
The Disciplinarian
The Guide
The Nurturer
The Safe Place
The Dom may critique but never criticizes. To critique is to make better. To criticize is to tear down.
The Dom reaches for perfection but practices unconditional acceptance for himself as much as for his sub.
The Dom understands that trust is the most important aspect of a relationship and does everything to protect and nurture that.
The Dom always acts in the highest good of both. If a decision must be made between the Dom or the sub, the highest good of the sub is paramount.
The Dom may endeavor to break a habit but never to break a spirit.
The Dom cherishes the sub above all else as the most prized possession.
The Dom takes ultimate control, in a situation that has gotten out of control, to protect a sub.
The Dom provides discipline as outlined initially or updated in the definition of the relationship agreed upon by both.
The Dom provides aftercare - without exception - after intense play or discipline.
The Dom guides his sub in areas, where necessary, with the goal of improving the sub in areas initially agreed upon by both.
The Dom nurtures when a sub needs it.
The Dom is the sub’s safe place, the place the sub calls “home.” It is a place where unconditional acceptance and compassion are guaranteed.
The Dom honors the power of the submission with which they have been entrusted.

The sub

The Protected
The Disciplined
The Guided
The Nurtured
The Safe Place
The sub differentiates between critique and criticism, responding positively to critiques by the Dom.
The sub strives for perfection but practices unconditional acceptance when evaluating her performance.
The sub gives her trust responsibly and earns the Dom’s trust as well, understanding that it is the most important aspect of a relationship.
The sub knows the Dom always acts in the highest good of both. The sub must always communicate her needs in a clear and respectful manner so that the Dom has the important information necessary to maintain His responsibility.
The sub may never endeavor to diminish her quality with self-depreciation.
The sub values herself as a most prized possession, prioritizing her health and well-being.
The sub yields control to her Dom without hesitation in situations that have gotten out of control.
The sub understands discipline as an integral part of the power exchange, designed to assist her in achieving the goals initially outlined in the confines of the relationship.
The sub understands aftercare as a vital part of the play and discipline process and gives herself openly to it.
The sub is charged with using good judgment in self-governance with the goal of improving in areas initially agreed upon by both.
The sub asks for, and accepts, nurturing provided by the Dom. She also maintains a self-care routine mutually agreed upon. This self-care routine may include, but is not limited to manicures, pedicures, meditation, time with friends or exercise.
The sub is the Dom’s safe place, the place the Dom calls “home.” Its a place where unconditional acceptance and compassion are guaranteed.
The sub reverently gives her power of submission. If at any time she feels that her submission is not being treated reverently by her Dom she must seriously consider rescinding it.

The Relationship

A good D/s relationship has all the characteristics of a good vanilla relationship. The relationship must meet the needs of both participants, serving to enhance life and never causing misery.
Once you have found someone with whom you are building a power exchange relationship, communication is the key. Discovering who each other is, how you have become that person, where you have traveled from and where you see yourself going are all things pertinent to building this relationship. Communication should be easy - without concern and without trying to be something you are not. Honesty is paramount. There’s no point in pretending to be someone other than who you are. Eventually the truth will come to light and the relationship will fall apart. It is better to be just who you are from the start. Sharing your dreams, goals and aspirations are as necessary in a power exchange relationship as in any relationship.
Establishing the outline of your relationship will be next. Your relationship will have a higher chance of success if you discuss your needs and wants at the beginning. Going into a relationship with unexpressed expectations is a fatal error. Speak honestly about what you expect from a partner. What gives you pleasure? How do you know you are loved? What are you looking for from a power exchange relationship? What do you picture the relationship will look like? What are your hard and soft limits? Safe words? Then listen openly to their expectations as well. Communication is always a two way street.
Once you spend time getting to know each other and discussing the relationship you can relax into the dynamics of the relationship. See how things flow between you. Reevaluate and assess how things are going. Are your needs being met? Does the energy flow between you seem to be easy and reciprocal? Are you giving as much as you are receiving? Even though this is a D/s relationship, the needs and input of a sub are as important to the success as the Dom’s. If there is disappointment then determine if you can redefine some things. It may even be necessary to end the relationship.
If you decide to continue the relationship, under the same parameters or renegotiated ones, the relationship should proceed to develop smoothly. Periodic reevaluation is crucial to ensure that both parties’ needs are met as the relationship develops. Neither party should remain in a relationship that does not serve their highest good.

Written by PhyrrImp and edited by SapientSexual

Losing my submission?

When Ward left one of my greatest fears was that I would lose my submission. I wrote about it in a post right after he left, When Submission Is Hard. I worried than when he was not here that I would lose that focus, that I would become so used to not being led that I would feel resistant to his authority.




It's hard to explain the experience of being submissive. I imagine, like everything else in this life that everything is very individualized, everyone's experience a little different. For me, when he is here, the air is easy in my lungs, I have a level of comfort that is extraordinary, my focus is sharp, all the noise that invades our lives fades away. It's just me, my man, my children, our unit.




I was terrified that when he left I would be swirled up and pulled under. In the post I mentioned above, I said "I feel a bit lost and rudderless...my guide is gone." I have found that, yes, sometimes I am sad and overwhelmed, yes, sometimes I feel that I am drowning. But my guide is not gone. He is in my heart, he is my anchor. While the seas may be rough, and I may be tossed about, I am safe, because he holds me in his heart, and I hold him in mine.

I realized in that post that my service could be expressed by making him proud, by being strong and supportive, and by representing him well. I represent him and his leadership as the head of this family. I know his expectations. I understand his vision and his goals for us and for our family. And even if he is not physically here, I can be what he wishes me to be, I can conduct myself in ways that make myself proud, and make him proud, and further our journey. I can be aware that he is a strong and virtuous man who has provided structure to support us in his absence.

Ward had an unexpected opportunity to call us a few weeks ago. I was sitting here doing school work, and his ringtone came over the phone. I wheeled around and stared at the phone, time seemed to come to a stop. The boys were jumping up and down, "He's calling you! He's calling you!" I answered the phone, head spinning, heart pounding, "Ward?" And a rich, thick, honey-smooth voice said, "Hello, sweetheart."

 And I felt his smile and I felt his warmth, and I felt not one single centimeter of distance. I felt, if possible, closer to this man that I adore. I felt myself fold into him, and it was comfortable. I was home. My fears were unfounded, there is no distance too far, no burden great enough to lessen the love and devotion I feel for him. Losing my submission? Not at all. My desire to please him, and to serve him, and to love him, and to be his soft place to land has not diminished, it has grown exponentially.

For my Daddy, for my love (Poetry)

When the world

is chaffing hard and cold,

I will yield

to your wisdom, will and touch

When you feel

used and objectified

my love and respect

will blanket you

When you are empty

my heart will fill you

from the fountain that

flows within it for you

When you are weary

I will minister to you
hands kneading the ache
from your body,
our bodies transporting us
on the waves of energy
that we create

I will be your
little girl
when you need
to be silly and free

I will be
your woman
when you need
my maturity

I will bend
to your desires and will
without breaking
and give my
strength and flexibility
to fortify us

I love you.

~June~ 3-09-12

Insecurity

I have talked about my insecurities before. I honestly think I have overcome them with Daddy. I don't have the constant fear that he will realize that I am perfectly imperfect just me, and why is he settling for that? He loves me. He sees things in me that I can't conceive of, but he assures me that he will show me. I trust him. He will, and as in all things, because he has my complete trust, I will follow him, and learn what he has to teach.

In this surprise letter, that warmed me and delighted me and gave me immeasurable joy, Daddy said that he's insecure sometimes, too. He said that his career had cost him relationships in the past. And I told him that I wasn't going anywhere. And I thought, because it is easier to put it in writing and to examine it sometimes, I would do it here. I've been sending him the posts in his letters. So this is a love letter to Daddy.....with witnesses.

****************

I walked alone for many years. I ached to be complete. I ached for the person who would see me, really see me and love me just as I am - perfectly imperfect just me. I ached for the person who would call that part of me that only responds when trust is complete. I ached for the person who would accept and treasure my service. I ached for the person that could fill me, and let me fill them, for the person who would let me pour myself out on them, and who would in return pour themselves out on me, leaving me not depleted, but bursting and joyous. After many years, and many false steps, I gave up. This person could surely not exist. 

Against all odds, I heard a voice. And that voice touched places in me. And I thanked the voice for it's gift, expecting nothing in return. From behind the voice, stepped a gallant gentleman who extended his hand and tipped his hat. He shone brightly, amazed me time and time again with beauty, deep and absolutely genuine, with wisdom well beyond his years. And I thought, someday, some girl will be very lucky, because surely someone like that could not be meant for me.

And as time passed, we found that we filled the empty places, and slowly we let each other in, and let trust take root. Small tentative steps, we'd both been hurt. This most beautiful relationship flourished in the arid climate of my heart. And your love made my heart fertile.

I never realized that you - beautiful you - were insecure - would be afraid of losing perfectly imperfect just me. But I will tell you - with our fine audience as witnesses...

I love you more than I have ever loved another person in my life. I am amazed, honored, and humbled that you love me as deep as you do. I have waited my entire existence for someone who shines as brightly as you do, for someone who calls to my truest self, for someone who loves me pure and strong and true, yang to my yin. 

You, my love, are everything I have ever dreamed of, hoped for, and more. I have waited all my life. And now that I have this great thing that most people only dream of I will always treasure and nurture it. It may be hard, all the waiting. But you are worth every second.And I will wait as long as I need for you. Because I am not complete without you. I love you with every fiber of my being, and no time or distance will ever be burden enough to quench my love and desire for you. I am  here for the distance. I am honored to be your woman and your little girl. And I am thrilled and honored to call you my man - my Daddy- my world.

I love you

I learned something

I said before that I think that this blog - besides the fact that Daddy said there wasn't a lot of resources out there for Daddies and little girl spankos who do DD and stuff....(labels....blech), was Daddy's way for me to find community and stay connected to my submission while he was gone (He's a very wise man, my Daddy).



I have the kind of brain that ruminates....read that sometimes I think way too much. Sometimes though, it takes time for me to figure out what is going on in my head. Sometimes while ruminating, talking to friends, writing here I get a broken lollipop moment. I had one in Surrender. And I apologized to Daddy for distancing, thinking I was doing something constructive, not understanding initially just how destructive I was being....but that's why I have a Daddy.

I had a minor panic attack yesterday. Somehow I had put some kind of expectation of getting mail from Daddy yesterday. When it didn't come, I crumbled. Then I thought - okay - I should probably not even think I'm ever gonna get any mail during this deployment. I won't expect anything, they said you can't depend on the mail getting there, sometimes they hold it all till the crew is stateside again - ugh. So maybe he doesn't know I'm sending five or six pages a day! Sad, sad me. Then trying to shut down the anxiety, I actually felt the wall going up. Which is surprising, it usually takes a few days till I'm aware of it - which is why I asked for Daddy's help with distancing - he feels it before I realize it.



I was talking to my good friend that I met on the Discipline and Love Forum. She managed to talk me down & then later checked up on me. And that is when I had my broken lollipop moment. Here is a snippet of the conversation:




June's friend: He's a good man. You are really good at submitting. I'm glad when Daddy's around for you to submit to bc you absorb goodness and light.

June:  I try, I'm glad you see him cause that means something gets in there.Sometimes I don't feel very good at submitting. I feel like I let him down when I get all crazy.

June's friend:  I'm glad when you submit to Daddy. Not these ideas (the magic words, folks) you have of what you should be...please don't hit me.

June: So am I, lol. Hmmmm dang ya! That's what I'm doing, isn't it? Submitting to the stupid little voice in my head & not Daddy. Fluff it!

June's friend:  It's not stupid.

June: The little voice that says he's gonna stop loving me, I mean.

June's friend: It's just fear. Have compassion on the little voice.

Okay, okay...I admit to being totally neurotic - I can hear you all feeling bad for Daddy. I felt bad for him, too. He said before he left that that little voice needs to just shut up, and he wished he had the one who programmed the little voice in front of him and that they had to answer to him. I always have the legal pad here - I really DO write him five and six page letters every day. And I wrote "DADDY! I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.I’m very sorry, Daddy. I stand convicted, corrected, and contrite. I’m learning – slowly but surely learning. And I have said I submit to no one else but you, so that little voice can just go get fluffed now – because you are the only one worthy of my submission."

Every now and then I get a moment of clarity. I'm grateful for them. I'm grateful for the friends who help me work things out. We've talked about the little voice before. Daddy says the little voice is a liar. Sometimes I think I have quieted the little voice. And just when I get to feeling confident, the little voice makes insidious comments. It's hard to make the little voice be quiet. I've heard it all my life before Daddy, all those 'I love you but"s. Daddy never says but. Daddy says I love you no matter what. And he does. Daddy says, it's okay, you're not naughty, dove, you just need me. And I do. Daddy sees me. Daddy knows me. Daddy loves me. Daddy forgives me. 


I am more vigilant about distance now because I understand that it is a disrespect to him. It is a disrespect to us. And now that I see that allowing that little voice to have so much power over me also disrespects Daddy, and disrespects us, I think I can be better equipped to dismiss it. You can do anything you want to me, you don't hurt or disrespect 'mine'. Daddy is mine. The little voice disrespects him. The little voice is toast. 



My Daddy is a very, very wise man. An ocean away and he still finds ways to teach me. I hoped to be able to not only keep in touch with my submission while Daddy was gone, but to deepen it. I think I may just succeed.