Dual Post Number 1 (Struggling in your Role)

Hello ladies and gentlemen, We would like to invite you to come and explore a few very important issues in the first of a long line of posts that we will both be writing together.  You are used to both of us  giving our Points of View, but we thought that it might be nice for us to to collaborate on a topic.  We hope that you find this particular post to be a valuable tool in your own relationship.

Sometimes  it's hard to maintain one's role.  Sometimes It's even harder to fight down the seemingly small urges that we may develop to pull away from our partners and put up walls.  Distance doesn't work and the longer we maintain a distance, the deeper the strain on our relationships become.  So then what is the answer?

If you guessed communication, I am suitably impressed by your insight, and commend your  wisdom and prudence!  In all seriousness, from this HoH's perspective, I value when June comes to me and communicates exactly what she needs, and when she needs it.  I must also appreciate the effort that it takes to come forward with an issue as well as understanding the newness of this feeling. In many instances, June didn't have the opportunity to talk openly and honestly about what she needed. Sometimes it would be easier to be stand-offish, distant, snappy, or outright rude to each other, but I think we all know, that that isn't the answer.

It would seem that the best thing to do is talk openly and honestly about what we need without expecting the other person to be psychic or perfect and to do so without being manipulative or overly expectant without fully vocalizing what we truly need.  Honesty, and effort count for a lot, especially when we are already tired from day to day life... Listening intently is a big first step, but honest and realistic communication are also important.  I have many skills, but I'll be the first to admit that I am not a mind reader, knowing this I also know that I have to make myself available and admit my own errors... Nobody is perfect, but we must all keep ourselves accountable and act accordingly.

(June here) What do you mean you're not psychic?  You know me very well, and sometimes it does seem that you're psychic. But as much as we keep each other center and the most important thing to each other, I have to acknowledge that you need transition time, that after a long day at a job that wears on you that you may not have all your faculties at their sharpest

At those times I could communicate that I need something, or I could get short and stroppy and all in a snit - and then I don't get the gg I may be seeking and instead get one of those spankings I don't want, and that really takes away from our evening. It never really gets in the way, you don't let it. You take us past the point that there are any secrets or unspoken feelings or slights, nothing to take root and fester. I appreciate that - though at the time I may be holding tightly onto whatever insecurities or needs that I have thinking I am saving you....from what??? I have to ask when my mind is far more rational....from a peaceful night? From a soft, submitted woman?

I truly don't understand why I sometimes hold with a death grip to those walls and vestiges of distance - they feel horrid. Sometimes it is hard to get past that point, and as much as I may be ambivalent about the "we have all night, little one, let me in" when it is spoken, I am grateful that you push me to the place that I am most comfortable. I'm not perfect, I am far from perfect. The thing I appreciate most is that you understand that, don't demand that, and help me even those times that I will not ask.

The other times, most times, I will ask. You are my man, you are my Daddy....if our dynamic was different I would be comfortable calling you my Master.... you are master of my heart and soul - you are my lover, you are my leader, you are my world. If I cannot trust you to help me, even if it takes time, even if it is painful, who can I trust?  I trust no one more. So I come, with an implement, or a weight on my shoulders and lay myself across your lap, or into your arms and lay my wet cheeks into the crook of your neck, and I know that I am home, and I know that the pain is transitory, and I know that your love will permeate my heart, and push out all that does not belong.  I lay myself in your hands, and that is home.

June love, you know me as well as I do and I know you need time for yourself, with two active boys that demand attention and care you routinely impress me with your "Mom skills" and make the time and effort to ensure that our home is clean, and comfortable and for that I thank you.

You are my woman, my love, my mate,  my heart, my submissive and I would call you  my slave where it so. You are my lover, my best friend, my universe and I am so very grateful that you allow me to guide and lead you. You have given me the privilege and responsibility of guarding your heart. Your confidence in my leadership and your warmth even when you are tired, and I am not at my best warms my heart and when you are wrapped up in Daddy's embrace... that is indeed home.

Sometimes the death grip is evidence of your need for my love, even when it hurts you know that I am not going anywhere and if it takes me proving that everyday of forever you know that despite fatigue and frustration, despite the fears that need to be overcome, that you have my deepest love and that I will give you my whole heart, kiss away the tears, and reach out through the darkness to bring you home.

As evidenced by the unity displayed, let us design to entreat each other with love and fullness. When we struggle we can only learn from our mistakes and grow from them. To give each other the depth and richness deserved in great relationship we cannot and will not settle for less, we will not short change each other, even when I am tired, or it is difficult to speak we will both stand up for each other and what is ours!

Daddy, I can't think of a moment that I do not ache with need for you. I crave that closeness, the warmth of your skin on mine, your breath on my hair, your lips to my forehead, I crave the way I feel with you, the smallness, the safeness, the security... it is what I have never had, and sometimes I feel that fear that I could lose it so intensely, that is where my walls come from, but you know that. For whatever ridiculous reason the day throws up in my path, somehow I see you walking the other way, even though you never have. And the walls come up to protect myself.... ridiculous to protect yourself from the person you most want in the world.

These are the times my submission slips, those times I feel my vulnerability and like the emperor realize I have no clothes - nothing to protect myself, but from what? You protect me from everything - even myself.  Yes, I sometimes need you to pull my submission out from behind the walls I construct, they only serve to harm me, harm you, harm us. These are the times I struggle to be my truest self. These are the times I am wrapped up so tight in my fear that I cannot breathe... until I take that step to ask for your help, or I find the strength to submit when you bid it, for just that moment it takes for you to grip the wall and begin to pull and when the walls come crashing down, you are always there to shield me, to protect me, and to put my heart back together. How could I ever navigate through this world without you?

You ask me at those times is not your love enough? Is not your grace enough? Have you not proven your truth in love for me? It is enough, and you have proven beyond any measure. And for a while it is enough to quiet the voice that says I am not enough and I do not deserve you. I thank you for your diligence and your steadfastness, and that you do not weary of teaching me, of erasing a lifetime of belief in fallacy, of cultivating my submissive heart, of letting me find home for the first time, and I thank you, most simply and yet most profoundly, for loving me.

My sweet June, I can feel it when you struggle, and my heart near threatens to burst in my chest.  It is my job to fulfill you, to love you and to lift you when you struggle to walk beside you and give you my best even when things aren't easy, I will take that step to put the world down and pick you up, to bring the wall down and draw you out with a loving heart and a deep, loving desire to see you and our relationship lifted. I want to thank you again for letting me love you and for being submissive to me when I know it isn't always easy or fair. Your grace is amazing and I know that in my heart, I am a changed man for the better because of you. Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart... You are what I longed for in the days of my youth, and you are the comfort in my age... you are everything, my heart.

 It is easy to see that love in abundance is an important part of our relationship. We thank you all for reading and wanted to show you the real, raw side of Ward and June. We struggle too.  Sometimes we keep it close to the vest, sometimes we are quiet about it and don't blog about it until we have clearer eyes to assess the journey but, we also know that growth can be and is painful sometimes. We have learned that communicating our needs without preying on each other's emotions, or being manipulative is absolutely vital to our communication process.  Staying connected, even when we struggle is an art and we by no means have mastered it, but the one thing we take deep comfort in is knowing that we will be there for each other for the whole journey! Thanks for reading!

Respect, Courage, and Learning to Lead by Listening

                                                     

  When you hear the word respect, it may inspire thoughts of  learning, reconsideration, contrition, love, discipline, courage, honor, or any of a number of other adjectives.  Respect is something that is earned, learned, honored and freely given. It should never be taken for granted or forgotten. 

  Sometimes respect isn't so simple as dominance and submission, sometimes, true, real respect is the measure of a man or woman. It can be the difference between the unspoken part of the truth,  and clearing the air. It can be the difference between little gestures that create fissures and gaps, and a full functioning partnership that effectively considers and weighs all factors without purposefully dampening or alienating the other person.

                                  

                                                                                                                                
                  
  In the light of dominance a man should learn that sometimes respect should guide his decisions, words and actions toward his wife and children. I cannot say what may be for others, but in my relationship with June, I make it a point to use and select my words with the utmost care. I know that sometimes my decisions and my words may not be easy to hear or accept, but I know that my demeanor, my attitude can influence the way conversations and expectations are received. Sometimes I know that I must do or say something that won't exactly be well received... but let's be honest nobody said that this life was easy or fair.  No, being in a DD marriage isn't for cowards or those that  are looking for the easy way out.

                                                
 Honesty is a pillar of any kind of strong relationship. Honesty's value lies in it's solidity and unyielding love and devotion.  Sometimes honesty stings and even hurts...but at least it's real. Respecting your partner enough to give them honesty in all things, even the small ones are important... having the courage to approach your partner when they are struggling and tell them the truth, even when you know that it is a sensitive issue  is easier said than done, but If you can't be honest with your partner, then how can you really be honest with yourself?  Respect, courage and honesty are all pillars of a healthy and thriving relationship... They test us all from time to time and we all become stronger due to their influence.  When we choose one we are choosing all three... Gone is the halfhearted conversation with the tv on, gone are the rolling eyes, gone is the interrupted speech and the "whatevers"  Cohesion, reciprocity, and a willingness to make things right when we mess up have granted June and I that something that cannot easily be described, it is like a warm blanket on a cold rainy day.  It is like ambrosia on the tongue, and relaxing music to the ear.

                                            

   We work at it every day... June gave me so many gifts in our relationship. She empowered me to lead. She welcomed my strength, didn't cower from my intellect, or run from my dominance.  Together we have learned and continue to learn much from each other. I know that I mess up sometimes... Sometimes being an HoH is a difficult thing. She sometimes tells me that I am harder than I need be on myself but I guess that's only because I want to do this right. I know that even when it won't be easy or fun, that I have a privilege, a responsibility and a calling to do the right thing by my family. June is also one of the strongest people I know and I know that even if it's something I don't care to hear that she loves me enough to be honest with me. Our respect for each other continues to grow and thrive in the wake of the world around us.

How many times have you been out with your partner and you noticed that vanilla couples seem so disconnected, even  when they are holding hands? How many times have you seen or heard people being rude or cruel to each other?   Maybe I'm just a fuddy-duddy but I think any man that calls himself husband or leader should never be so disrespectful to his wife or partner as to swear at her or bully her when she's trying her best... I also believe that no woman who calls herself wife or partner should ever be so self absorbed and disrespectful as to blatantly ignore his wishes, try to talk over him in conversation, or belittle and besmirch their relationship. Part of me pities these folks and would make a suggestion or two on what should happen and how communication should work, but I use these types of people as an inspiration for what I strive to never be as a husband and father. No it's not always easy, but even when it's hard, it is good, and it is real. 

                                                  

Strong leadership, love, and a dedication to treat each other right is something that any couple DD, TTWD, or otherwise can gain something so deep and pure from. These things are the foundation for a lifetime.



                                                                 


Her POV:
This is a topic that Daddy and I talk about all the time. I see things that make me shudder...you know that Ward is my Daddy...we have accounts on FetLife. A lot of the littles seem to take pride in being brats. It makes me uncomfortable. It's not who I am, it's not what I want to be, it's not what I want to give him. He deserves better than that from me. Even sometimes...one I read today... she found it hard to say - yes, Daddy - please, Daddy - thank you, Daddy. Gosh, no matter what kind of relationship you have, vanilla, D/s, M/s, D/lg....doesn't matter, those things are basic respect.

Respect implies connection, honesty, being open to your partner, not shutting them out. I've said it before, we've been out and come around the corner of an aisle and seen people fighting, snarling, voices raised, mean looks, or talking to each other with ugly words...it feels like an affront. I sink a little further into him. We live in a college town, at graduation last year, the streets were packed with people. The thing I noticed was the physical and emotional distance. No one touched, no smiles, no talking, no looking at each other, not connecting on any level. Out of all the thousands of people we saw, there was one couple holding hands, and they were so far removed from each other that their hands were at 90 degree angles to their bodies.

I am far from perfect, I got as little snappy last night, but when I realized it, I apologized, and he apologized for the statement that led me to react not so much as myself. And it turns out that he did because he was troubled by an exchange with a friend. But we had not crossed so far that we could not hear each other and communicate about the real issue and our little momentary rough patch.

I had a live in  example as to what I did not wish to be. The woman who gave birth to me had no respect for anyone. She thrived on denigrating people...every man she was ever with. It repulsed me. And I joked with my therapist on more than one occasion, I had no example of what to be...as a wife and as a mother....but I sure had very clear examples of what not to be. We are unfailingly honest with each other....if we are not, what do we have? We can let each other know that we were hurt, put off our feet, disarmed, upset...respectfully. Sometimes not in the moment, but later when we have out thoughts elucidated... we can ask to speak to our partner, and say "I was hurt/upset/didn't understand/need clarity on..." And we retain and enrich our relationship...we enforce that we can turn to each other.

He is my greatest blessing, thinking of what to write here, I am writing with tears streaming down my cheeks. I empower him to lead, and he empowers me to be who I am. He empowers me to express my heart in the soft way that feels good and natural to me. I have all my life been a step out of time. I am the Kool-Aid mom, loved the smell of fresh laundry, and flour on my face and clothing with the aroma of fresh bread permeating the air. I have had to carry my family before... alone....from the time I was about 5, thinking of how I could make peace in the house. When I was 9 and cooking, cleaning, paying the bills so it would get done, and through my first three relationships. I should be more, want more.... money,  promotions, status. I was the hamster on the wheel that drove me into the ground.
I longed for reciprocity, and I gave myself dry.

I am submissive to Ward...that is a gift because it is who I am. I only have to be exactly who I am - I can be soft. I can be vulnerable. And I am elevated, never looked down on or thought weak. To hear Ward say that I am strong amazes me. In bending to him, in surrendering the trappings of this society and the mask I was forced to assume, in yielding my will to him, I am stronger, and have a joy I have never known. I receive respect that I have never experienced before. I enjoy honesty that has been lacking all of my life. Courage? Ward is courageous, he says I am, but I don't know about that. I know that I am free from fear for the first time ever.

I don't know how much sense any of this has made. I am a jumble right now. So much emotion bubbling, so much love, so much respect for this man who lets me be, lets me feel, who love me, who lifts me up. You have worried, my love, that you are lacking, but you are more than I ever dreamed. You ARE the ideal that I cobbled from my needs, desires, hurts, hopes and dreams. You are honest, and I am completely without guile in your love. I am honored to call you my love, my heart, my man, my leader. I love you, simply, fearlessly, courageously, and with complete honesty. 

Communication and asking for what we need

                                                    

Like many men, I don't like to talk a lot..... Also like many men I don't like asking for help or directions when I feel that I should be able to navigate the challenges of life and the privileges of being an HoH with grace and honor.  If I have learned anything and could pass anything along to my fellow HoH's and even ladies in the DD universe, I'd tell them that sometimes it takes a big man (or woman) to ask for the help they need.


Being stubborn only adds to the distinct possibility of a breakdown in abundantly clear communication, which as I am sure you are all aware is the tangible root of many problems in a relationship.

                                                   

I fondly recall roadtrips when I was a child.  It's almost a stereotype, but I remember my father cursing under his breath with my mom trying to read a map upside down and emploring him to stop at the next gas station and just ask for directions.  It is my view that sometimes, the best thing a guy or gal can do for the relationship is to put their pride aside and do right, by not just their partner, not just themself, but the relationship.  Communication must be a constant and thoughtful process that considers the long term effects of the decision making process. Just as stone makes ripples in a quiet pool, so are the ramifcations of our decisions.

 Again as a man, and in particular a relatively manly man, I take pride in being big and physical and I also take pride in my brain and the benefit of a good education. Between those two things, sometimes it falls on me to recognize when I am letting my ego get in the way of being an effective leader. June and I share a partnership and I definitely realize that she is in fact better at some things than I am and vice-versa. Despite a somewhat natural competitive streak and perhaps something of a dominance thing (yeah I know, gasp right?!), I've learned that our relationship functions best when I make the kind of decisions that bolstor unity, teamwork, and togetherness.

                                                               

                                     

                                 

                                                

 Somtimes, negativity and stress can also get in the way of proper communication. I've had to learn to leave the world at the door before crossing the threshold, and even when it isn't possible for me to do so. I know that I can count on June to be there for me and to help me get me where I need to be. I have also found that it was extremley good for me to learn to turn to her and ask her to listen, to be there for me and to give me that which gets me what I need. It's gotten to the point where we are very good at reading each other and in fact are quick to give the other what they need before the other has to ask. Whether that be a place to vent, a word of encouragement, a cuddle session on the couch, passionate love making or a good otk session... We have both learned that asking can be a wonderful thing.

                                                             

It isn't an overnight process, nor is it one that we can afford to rush or take lightly. June and I feel that though it may not always have been the easy thing to do, learning to ask for the help we need to thrive in our relationship is one of the best things we could do for our communication process and our relationship. We would encourage everyone to explore the benefits of  an "ask early, ask often" relationship.













Her POV:

I have been blessed in more ways than one with Ward....more like a hundred thousand. We have an uncommon understanding of each other. Sometimes it is hard to ask for what we need. I am blessed in that no matter how I ask, he understands. If I use my words, obviously he understands, even if I am unable to articulate the why, if I just express the need, he understands. Sometimes it is my behavior, if I am restless or hyper-critical of myself or my efforts, he pulls me in, talks, observes, and uses his understanding of me to evaluate what I need from him. Sometimes it is wordless. Sometimes I will just climb onto his lap, bury my face against his neck, or lay across his lap, and with love and dedication, he will give me what it is that I need most.

Daddy does talk a good bit. He does not easily share his troubles. I try to gently remind him that that is what I am there for, that we are partners, and that he is not in this alone. It has taken some gentle and persistent effort, but he has gone from coming back to me the next day, to a few hours later, to sharing more immediately. My remedies for him? Much the same, but the healing energy comes from me instead of to me. I will sit on his lap and minister to him, or read his stoic, 'clean' responses and coax the words from him, or hand him the hairbrush and lay across his lap.

I will be quick to tell you that Ward has a concrete sense of self, he IS a manly man (he makes me melt!), but he is also the most genuinely open, least ego-driven men I have ever known. Every decision he makes has always had the welfare of this family, our children and myself at the very heart. And as I write this something occurs to me....

I'm sure you have noticed a few seemingly painfully introspective posts from Ward. And like a bolt from the blue, I gained an understanding...Daddy is in negotiations regarding his career...he asked for my input last night, and I gave it, and clarified it this morning....and I told him I support him in whatever he chooses to do, and that I know he will make the right decision for our family, and just to wait till they present it in writing, so they can't renege on the promises made, as they have before. So if you will all forgive me, I finished my last shift, and am finishing my POV, as he requested...and right now, my Daddy needs me to sit on his lap and wrap my arms around him, tell him that I love him and trust him and his leadership, and coax the heaviness from his heart.

More Than Just Words

WORDS

Every now and then it occurs to me that there is high value in the words that we use to communicate. Sometimes it's finding just the words that bring comfort  or clarity in times of stress.  Sometimes it's taking the time to show someone that you are there for them.  I find that in our relationship, June and I communicate on a fluid and natural level.  I actually am learning for the first time that it's more than okay to open up and share things, even the things that are not easy to talk about.




Like a lot of guys, when there is something on my mind, I'm not exactly forthcoming... I'm sure you know what I mean, sometimes when asked what is on my mind, I give out the classic answers "Stuff"  and "nothing" ... Trouble with all those is besides the obvious, June knows my heart and knows me better even at times than I know myself,  not to mention the fact that it would create an unacceptable double standard.... We don't do distancing, it's just not allowed and I can't ask my June to do something when I am not capable of it myself.  

                                                              ACTIONS

Sometimes it's more than words though, sometimes it's about our actions. More than thought, our deeds can give our thoughts and words form, substance and in the case of discipline, teeth.  A warm hug, a shoulder to cry on, a firm but loving hand... all of these things can be very powerful tools that not only bring us comfort, but in fact prove our love and dedication to each other. I've tried to reach some of my guy friends (with limited success).  Taking the time to show our love and care for each other is one of the most beautiful ways to reaffirm and strengthen our bond, and I wouldn't miss those opportunities for the world.  Even when actions are difficult, they are worthy of our time and we always grow from them.

                                                             THOUGHTS

 I think of June so often that if I told you how many times a day she crosses my mind, you would probably laugh at me. I take pride in taking care of my lady, my lover, my best friend and my everything, sometimes I try to think of simple things that make her days brighter. I am not always the man I should be for her but I have grown so much with her and love taking care of her and spoiling her as much as I can.  I also will tell you that I am the luckiest man alive.  June takes such very good care of me, she is always there for me when I need her in every way.  She seems to know just what I need and desire and she goes out of her way to please me.  Her body and her mind sing to me and her thoughtfulness is one of the greatest gifts that I have ever received




Our words thoughts and deeds are powerful things, and can make the difference between a regular day and a marvelous one!

 Her POV
Well, it is my turn to be humbled by Daddy's words. Ward is always conscientious, present, supportive and loving.  I am working on releasing the fear. Daddy's kind, gentle, attentive manner pulls me out of that dark place, and his light suffuses those things that weigh heavy. He lightens me. It's not only words, words can be a lie. It is the way in which I know that he thinks of me, what his friends tell me he says about us. It's the things that he does, and the way that he does them, never impatient, always timely, always giving his full attention. Communication is one of the most important thing that we do. And it is not simply the things that we speak, it is the things we do and the way we treat each other, not ony to the other person, but how we present them and our relationship to the world.

Change, growth, trust and submission

I don't exactly know what to call this post. It comes as a rumination after talking to my therapist. We have had a therapeutic relationship for longer than Daddy and I have been us. She has said before that she didn't see me as submissive. Which kind of surprised me. I am no different than I have ever been, and I have always desired to be who I am in this moment. The difference? Ward. Without Ward I have no one worthy to receive or to accept my submission.

I have always been who I am at my core, and I have always been unhappy. I have always been the one that had to take care of everyone, to gather all the edges and not let anything spill. And let me tell you, it is exhausting. I'm not made to thrive on that kind of thing. I did it because I had to. I did it because my need to serve meant that I had to do that which was necessary when the other person did not. I am logical and efficient and effective ..... and I don't love it. I am meant to nurture, to cultivate... to serve.





In the course of our weekly conversations, I have talked about my need to understand. I want to know why you want me to do things. And if you work for me, I will make sure you understand the why as well, it makes you feel invested. I want to know the details. I dislike uncertainty and surprises. I want to know what you know. Knowing helps me be prepared for any contingency. This is what she knows about me.





This past week we talked about some things going on in Ward's career path that affect our family. She asked, "Do you know..?" No. "When will you know?" I don't know. She sat for a minute and said doesn't this bother you? You're the one who has to know everything. I thought for a minute too, and I smiled. Nope, doesn't bother me, when he knows I'll know. She said, "This is so unlike the you I know."

So I thought about it - you know me - that's what I do - "Why did this not bother me? Why was I not a neurotic bundle of nerves?" And the answer is simply that I trust him. He is my HoH, he is my leader. He will ask my opinion before he makes a decision. He will shoulder the greater part of the burden. He will take care of us - of me. I have never, ever in my life been able to trust another human being to that extent. That realization made me smile.

Then I wondered - because when I'm not thinking, I'm wondering - what if he thinks that my not asking means that I am uninterested or that I don't care? So I asked him. Does it bother you that I don't ask you tons of questions about things? I mean it to show that I trust you, and not that it doesn't matter. He said that he loves knowing that he has my confidence and that I trust his judgement. And I do. And then it occurred to me, that maybe that's part of my submission to him, too.




It is many things, and hence the confusion with the name for this post. I have changed, and it is growth, because I freely and with great embarrassment admit that I was an anal, neurotic mess. And it signifies the trust that I have in my Ward. And it is one more thing that I give over to him. The only worry that I have - and I ask him all the time - is this too much? Do I lean too much? Is the burden too heavy? Because having to do that, to carry that wears on me. But my man - he thrives on it.





I see us sometimes like a tree. We - tall and straight and strong. He - slightly rugged (yum!), dug deep into the earth, stretching far above and providing shelter. I - the earth into which he plants his roots, that feeds him and helps to support our family, and his roots hold us together. We are intertwined in so many ways. We would be so much less alone, together we are a thing of beauty.
I love you, Daddy.

HIS POV:  

My dearest June, your faith, affection and love mean so much more to me than I can express here. Your love and confidence in me and us staggers and delights me so... you have grown so much and have made me a stronger man... and to that I can only say thank you... I Love you Babygirl!

Insecurity revisited

I did a post a little while ago on insecurity.  I know lots of us have rules about insecurity, putting ourselves down and negative self-image. For a while I thought I understood why that was. Obviously being negative in any measure over any issue is not healthy. It doesn't help us grow. And I thought well, my insecurity was about questioning his taste. 'I wouldn't choose anyone not worthy'.

Lots of times I am occupied with a task, and a thought will drop perfectly formed into the center of my vacant little mind. So there I was, happily (well, not really, but it has to be done...) cleaning the upstairs. As I was on my hands and knees, cleaning woodwork, that perfectly shiny, worked smooth and round little thought, dropped right in the center of my conscious thought (makes you wonder about how my mind works, huh? Join the club, I'm baffled, too!).

It's not anything to do with thinking he'd be offended by my questioning his taste. When I think that I am not enough, when I think that I am not attractive, when I worry that I am not pleasing, I am not doubting my loveability. I am doubting his veracity and his sincerity. I am doubting his love. That looks a whole lot worse than doubting myself.



I love him. I trust him with my life, literally. Yet I miss drawing into myself the truth of his words and the depth of his feeling - 'You are beautiful. You complete me. You make me proud.' and letting them take root.



To my Daddy, I am sorry, dear true love. I did not realize that my doubt which reflects my fear about myself, reflected  a doubt in you that does not exist. You are the one solid thing in my world. You are the one person that I have ever been able to trust. So I will allow those truths of your heart seed and take root in mine. And I will allow my trust and faith in you polish away my doubts in myself.

I am beautiful, because my heart is without guile, and because I reflect the greatest love I have ever experienced. I am enough, because somehow I fill the emptiness in you. Like many things in this life, I don't have to understand it, only to accept that that is the way of it and it sweeps me up in wonder.

Insecurity

I have talked about my insecurities before. I honestly think I have overcome them with Daddy. I don't have the constant fear that he will realize that I am perfectly imperfect just me, and why is he settling for that? He loves me. He sees things in me that I can't conceive of, but he assures me that he will show me. I trust him. He will, and as in all things, because he has my complete trust, I will follow him, and learn what he has to teach.

In this surprise letter, that warmed me and delighted me and gave me immeasurable joy, Daddy said that he's insecure sometimes, too. He said that his career had cost him relationships in the past. And I told him that I wasn't going anywhere. And I thought, because it is easier to put it in writing and to examine it sometimes, I would do it here. I've been sending him the posts in his letters. So this is a love letter to Daddy.....with witnesses.

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I walked alone for many years. I ached to be complete. I ached for the person who would see me, really see me and love me just as I am - perfectly imperfect just me. I ached for the person who would call that part of me that only responds when trust is complete. I ached for the person who would accept and treasure my service. I ached for the person that could fill me, and let me fill them, for the person who would let me pour myself out on them, and who would in return pour themselves out on me, leaving me not depleted, but bursting and joyous. After many years, and many false steps, I gave up. This person could surely not exist. 

Against all odds, I heard a voice. And that voice touched places in me. And I thanked the voice for it's gift, expecting nothing in return. From behind the voice, stepped a gallant gentleman who extended his hand and tipped his hat. He shone brightly, amazed me time and time again with beauty, deep and absolutely genuine, with wisdom well beyond his years. And I thought, someday, some girl will be very lucky, because surely someone like that could not be meant for me.

And as time passed, we found that we filled the empty places, and slowly we let each other in, and let trust take root. Small tentative steps, we'd both been hurt. This most beautiful relationship flourished in the arid climate of my heart. And your love made my heart fertile.

I never realized that you - beautiful you - were insecure - would be afraid of losing perfectly imperfect just me. But I will tell you - with our fine audience as witnesses...

I love you more than I have ever loved another person in my life. I am amazed, honored, and humbled that you love me as deep as you do. I have waited my entire existence for someone who shines as brightly as you do, for someone who calls to my truest self, for someone who loves me pure and strong and true, yang to my yin. 

You, my love, are everything I have ever dreamed of, hoped for, and more. I have waited all my life. And now that I have this great thing that most people only dream of I will always treasure and nurture it. It may be hard, all the waiting. But you are worth every second.And I will wait as long as I need for you. Because I am not complete without you. I love you with every fiber of my being, and no time or distance will ever be burden enough to quench my love and desire for you. I am  here for the distance. I am honored to be your woman and your little girl. And I am thrilled and honored to call you my man - my Daddy- my world.

I love you

Transcendent

I was talking to a friend who is new to DD. She said I shine. She says Ward and I shine as a couple. It's not the first time that I've been told this. She tells me that when I speak about Ward, everything about me changes, my voice, my face, my mood. That's not the first I've heard that either. Even my kids see it. So in listening to my friend, the word transcendence came to mind. I know that Ward shines. He shines so brightly that he warms me, chases my fears and lifts the darkness from my heart.

I see it in other couples. I see it in the way the women talk of their men, and their lives and their loves. I hear it in Monster's Nightmare's posts, and our conversations, and when Monster talks about her. I hear it in Stormy's posts. I hear it in Christina's, and faerie's, and C's, and Jacquie's. I see it all over this wonderful community.

I began to look for the ways that we achieve that which others claim to aspire to. What do we do that is different from the rest of the world?

No, I'm not saying we're perfect. I, myself, am perfectly imperfect. What I am saying is that we give each other those very small and painless things, respect, love and forgiveness. They cost nothing, nothing more than the surrender of our false pride. And they make us rich and strong. They make us transcendent. We transcend ego as a result of love, service, non-egoic discipline, and undivided attention for another.

Absolutely, it is important to take care of, to nurture each other and our relationships. That entity that is created when two people come together is transcendent. It exists above this world and guides all our interactions both in the world and in our families. It is what carries us through the years, and it is from it that we draw our strength.

I am proud of my man. I am proud of the person that I am becoming. I am proud to be part of this community of extraordinary people who create light and positive energy so bright within their families that it spills over and blesses every one of us. We are transcendent.

Examining Submission Journaling Exercise - Day 26

What are the qualities you seek in a dominant partner and why? Are some qualities deal-breakers as in “must” haves or “must not” have?

Quiet command, sincerity, honesty, trustworthiness, dependability, wisdom, kind, compassionate, empathetic, reasonable, courteous, honorable, appreciative, self-disciplined, courageous, generous of heart & spirit, constructive, tenderness, respectability, gracious, romantic, humility, confidence, consistent, sense of humor. In a word - Ward. He is all this and more.

They are all pretty much deal-breakers. If my partner does not possess self-control how can he lead me? If I cannot respect him, how can he lead me? If he cannot value himself, how can he value me? If he cannot value me, how can I follow him? If he does not inspire trust and confidence, how can I follow him?

For me personally, Ward has said that I have qualities of submission that he has not seen. But the way I see it, the way I feel it, I respond to the incredibly positive Dominant qualities he possesses. If he were a lesser man, my submission would not be as complete. If his manner was that of a  blustery, chest-thumping 'dominant', I would respond with barbs and bristles - well we would not even be Ward and June. I do not respond well to an abrasive manner.

Examining Submission Journaling Exercise - Day 20

Has your submission increased or decreased over time? Have you ever had to renegotiate your submission due to a change in your feelings or circumstance?

I have never submitted to anyone to the degree, or with the desire to submit as I do to Daddy. My submission has definitely deepened over time. There is not a thing I would deny him. There is not an instance in which I doubt his intent. There is not an instance in which my trust has been betrayed.

Every day he proves himself honest, truthful, trustworthy, courageous, valorous and honorable. Every day my desire to yield to him blossoms.