Strength and Softness and Balance

                                                 

 Strength... The word has defined my life.  I understand it deeper all the time, and I respect it's something that I have had to have all of the days of my life.  When I was a child, I never measured up to the expecations of it... And now sometimes I have to learn that their are other things in life that mean so much more than mere strength.  I'm 6'4 275lbs and I am strong... sometimes, I let my youngest hang off of my arm and enjoy that expression of wonder and brightness that only exists in the very young. Still, next to mental, emotional, and spiritual strength, my physical strength is nothing. There are things I don't like to talk about, and I promise that I won't get into here, but I have definitely seen more than my share of hard times throughout my life. The battles of the heart and mind are the toughest for me and that seems to have been the case since I was young. Still sometimes I must remind myself that at times there are no easy answers and there are no shortcuts  when it comes to dealing with the minds and hearts of the ones that I hold dear, the ones that look to me for answers.

                                                                      

 Sometimes the physical expression of my strength comes in handy and in fact is quite useful.  I am a good one to know when there is moving to be done, I'm deceptively athletic and am often able to parlay these physical skills into completing work and work related task quicker and more efficiently. I am prouder still of the mental and  emotional strength that I am able to provide my family with. Our boys have special needs  and many times they need a stable, male influence that provides  mentorship, confidence, and a voice of experience. I know that they haven't always had that, and it thrills me when I am able to help them see the actualization of their own potential.  More than strength alone, I have also realized that somtimes, more than just goal oriented focus and a direct, stern approach, they also need my unconditional acceptance, patience, and wisdom.  As I pondered these things, It became abundantly clear that these concepts can and should be easily applied to a DD/TTWD relationship. 

                                                   

 Throughout our relationship, I have learned and discovered that sometimes my initial thoughts on a subject or experience often require a second look... We both put a lot of work into this relationship, and I am one HoH who is ready to admit that he cares enough to be worried about the message that he sends his Wife.  Sometimes I don't always communicate well... and while I'm not proud of the way that I've handled everything, I generally feel that we do a good job of giving each other the respect, honor and attention that we as individuals deserve, but also as a couple... Sometimes a direct, logic-oriented approach just isn't the answer. Sometimes we get the most mileage and growth by making ourselves emotionally available to each other when we are at our most vulnerable.  Our life is often hectic, loud, noisy, and full of interesting little twists and turns that often leave us frazzled... it goes without saying that a frazzled husband or wife does not make for a smooth relationship environment.  Thus, it behooves me, the HoH, to be mindful of his words and deeds and balanced in his approach to his relationship.

                     

                                                     

Sometimes being my June's soft landing place, her shoulder to cry on and her ear to listen when things aren't easy is a something that I am proud to be able to give her.  Balancing strength, discipline, love, and  reciprocity yields big benefits, and while I don't always get everything right... She loves me enough to let me learn, let me grow, and do the same for me when I need it... I really don't want to think about where I would be if it weren't for June.. Even when I am not at my best she shows me that she loves me, she doesn't just tell me, she shows that she has faith in me... faith in us and in turn, this gives me the kind of confidence that a HoH requires in order to be effective... I am blessed and thankful to be able to count on my June for love, support and understanding and I hope that she can say the same of me. 

                                                               

Finding the balance between strength and softness and recognizing these same qualities within each other is a very helpful tool when we are finding each other through stress and day to day life. It gives us a guide in the difficult times and highlights and accentuates the good times.  We hope that you all have an opportunity to see what Balancing strength and softness can do for your relationship... You won't be disappointed.


Her POV:

Have I mentioned how very much I like it when Daddy calls me 'his June'? How very warm and like an enchanted princess it makes me feel?...

I have never had any one I could depend on I was always the one who had to be strong for everyone. And it wore me out. I wonder sometimes that Daddy can continue to exhibit that strength of heart and of character I worry that it will wear on him as well. But he seems to thrive on it. And it is so lovely to be able to sink into him.

I know that we have very high and exacting standards for our relationship, but in all reality I think Daddy is too hard on himself regarding how he communicates. I have never had anyone who cares so deeply about hearing my concerns and communicating well.

And in those times when it is hard, when I shut down, and he pulls it out of me, and I'm sure he will run for the hills, he never does. He uses that strength to pull out those things from my heart, and then he holds me up when I am sure I cannot go another step.

I do have faith in my Daddy and slowly he's teaching me to have faith in myself. I am proud of my Daddy, and what he brings to our family. I am proud of how well we communicate, I am proud of this man who has been along so long, and never exposed to children, let alone sometimes difficult children, and a definitely difficult woman, can hold us up and steer us in the right direction as a productive, cohesive unit that moves with grace and unity.

Pride

 

I am only human. I have many faults. I have a hamster that spins fear into great big insurmountable entities, that can cower me, make me hide. When that happens my walls go up, and, oh Lord, they go up fast and as hard as I can make them.






I have been guilty of building some walls lately. Some I was not even really aware of, until he told me. Even when he told me I was too wrapped up in my own self to see how that made him feel. I was too wrapped up in my hurt to feel his. Instead of asking, I mistook his attempt to be strong, for him being cavalier. I thought that meant he was not so affected by the pending potential separation. And that gave my hamster lots of fuel to spin fast and furious.

Daddy called a summit. It wasn't fun, and it wasn't easy. It hurt. It was hard, and I wanted to run away, but he didn't let me. Did the walls come down right then? No. I took what Daddy said and stuffed it with all the other 'stuff' behind my walls. Not cozy those walls, no, they are crowded, and noisy, and there are so many things jammed down inside there that they pinch and poke and stick you. I apologized, and vowed to do better, and I received better than I deserved from him.


The next day, I went about my day, seeing him off to work, getting the kids ready for school, planning meals, cleaning, working, folding laundry. As I sat here, folding, it suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks, bricks from the quickly constructed wall, tumbling all around me. You see, he didn't bring the wall down right away, he planted seeds that grew behind the wall, and pushed it down from the inside.




I hugged the clothes to me and wet them anew with my tears. I had been selfish. I had been so consumed with fear of him not being where he was 'supposed' to be, that I robbed both of us of love, and comfort and intimacy. I forgot to express my pride in him, in us, and in so doing, I chipped away at his confidence and maybe even his pride in himself. I was so wrapped up in the fact that the Navy could keep us apart yet again, that I lost sight of us.






The seeds he planted ensured that none of those bricks would come down and crush me, but I sat in the rubble, convicted, and so regretful that I had not remembered to build him up, that I had not remembered to show my pride and respect for what he has accomplished in his career, and my pride and respect because of the kind of man that he is.








You see, there are about 313,914,040 people in this country. There are 340,001 active duty troops in the US Navy. and about 60,000 sailors manning the submarine fleet. My Daddy has accomplished what only 18% of Naval personnel has accomplished and what only 1.9% of the population of the United States has done. 

When I could see, and breathe normally, I sent him an email, because I can't call him when he is working. I told him that I was insanely proud of him, and what he has accomplished, and that I saw the him beyond his career, and I was insanely proud of the man that he is. I told him that I am proud of his intelligence, and his humor, his bravery, his confidence and his honor. I told him that I would shout that pride from the rooftops, that it was carved into my heart, soul and mind, and that I would carve it into my flesh, and be proud to wear his mark.

 

So we talked again, when he got home, this time with the walls down, and my heart ...and his...raw and bared to the other. And good things came from the pain. We vowed never to try to spare the other our feelings - that is dishonesty and it is distance. Even when it's hard we will speak the truths of our heart...even when it's hard to say...even when it's hard to hear. But we'll listen and get through it together. We renewed the vow to speak our love and our pride every day. I promised to ask my questions instead of letting the hamster feed on fear. And I promised to never let my fear get in the way of telling him just how very proud of him I am... every single day.

HIS POV:  

Sometimes, it's not easy, sometimes, to see each other, really see each other we have to go beyond our own field of vision. Distance is harmful all the time and in order for us to see that, we must allow our partner to voice their concern, keep us honest and help us up out of the rubble once the walls do come crashing down.

 

I will say this, June has always stood by me through thick and thin, and We have both gone through a lot. In regard to being a military spouse, I could not ask better of June that she has given me and I know how difficult it is, how painful it is and how it makes just basic communication harder. Even when she puts up walls, even when it  is obvious that she hurts, even when she draws away I love her harder, pull her closer, and keep our relationship at the front of my mind and heart.

Distance makes it harder to see our greatest blessings in both each other and the life that we share and for the good of our relationship, I took and will always take a stand against the quiet, against the intentional distance and against emotional hiding... and I will do that because I love my June just that much.

Submission (From a Dominant's Point of View)

 Submission is the sweet intoxicating liquor that pours from her vessel.  It cannot be bought, it cannot be forcibly taken, it is not a right.  I must earn it every day of our life together. She bows before me in polite deference and I know in my heart I am not worthy of this deepest display of love and devotion.  Everyday even the hard days she shows me such effort, so much grace and dignity... she never fails to make every waking moment sweet and momentous in it's brightness and fluidity.  These are not mere words from a mere man who merely loves his woman. I am Dominant, I am proud and as fierce and wild as the wind and the sea... and so is my love for her, unstoppable and undaunted lasting long before and long after we are stripped from this mortal coil. I offer her my heart and she offers me her heart. All for all, each matching the other's heart in perfect reciprocity.








It's more than merely being  her HoH it's more than just telling her what to do or expecting things done a certain way at a certain time.  It's the sweet, soft voice and the warm comfort in her sparkling eyes that she saves just for me.  The level of interaction, the level of devotion, the level of dominance and submission would not be possible if we were with other people or if we did not have the level of vigilance and dedication to each other and the mutual cause of our relationship. 





 The depth of her willing submission to me is like the unsung treasures of old... like King Solomon's mines, like the hoard of Midas. Sweeter than the finest wine, amber like honey and bracing like the finest spirited tonic...



She is mine to love, mine to guide, mine to discipline... she is mine and in acknowledging this, I also acknowledge that I am hers  I am hers to support, her to love, hers to look to, hers to obey... She is my truest inspiration my truest vine and my support network.






Submission lifts a dominant man's spirit and gives him a candle unto the darkness of the world
Submission defers and the truth and light of D/s shines in a cold world. We the chosen few, we shine bright and the difference is visible even in the simple act of walking through Target hand in hand.
Submission feeds my dominance, and assuages my thirst for the wild, physical love that my soul has for this magnificent woman.  Submission and Dominance go hand in hand and in our quest for something greater than common we have found that this particular flavor, our brand of TTWD/DD gives us not just leadership and followership, but a way forward, clear direction and a desire for both of us to be better as a couple as well as being a better man and a better woman..

Her submission is mine  to guard and protect,  she is my flower and I would never deliberately abuse my privileges as her Dominant or HoH. She deserves my best and in giving her my dominance I see that I feed her and give her submission it's due. It is my truest treasure and one that I will savor with a fierce love and protection all the days that follow.

Her POV

 My Daddy honors me with his love. I have never been loved as fully and without condition as he loves me. I draw my strength from him. His Dominance, in the many subtle ways he expresses it, from the simple request for a glass of water, or a piece of pie, or to put the laundry aside....they fill me with warmth, it's intoxicating, spreads through my veins - it fills me with pleasure, makes me feel soft,  makes me smile that small satisfied smile that I can serve him in those ways.

His touch, draws me to him, makes me want to please him, bids my deference, my obedience, fills me to overflowing with the desire to blanket him with my love. His kiss on my forehead, and I am wrapped in love so fierce and pure and awed - eyes lower but he pulls them back to his - and I melt into this man who is my sun, my center. Lips on my neck, I bare my throat to him, my trust, my submission, my love, my essence...I belong to him....I thrive.

In the world, he anchors me, centers me, I hold his hand and revel in being his. I revel in the quietness of our love, I revel in his soft voice, and am pleased to give him my "Yes, Daddy" and the smile that tells me that I have pleased him.

 To serve him is my pleasure and my honor. It's as simple as greeting him at the door, a refreshment ready, my attention to his presence. It's as complex as laying my heart and soul bare to him, or offering my body for his pleasure, which make no mistake is my deepest pleasure. He is my man. He is my Daddy. He is my Dominant. He is my lover. I am his submissive woman....and there is nothing better than that. I love you, Daddy.

We remember...

                                                                                             

You may not agree with the war or the conflict that put them in harm's way. You may not support the government that sent them. You may not believe in the policies of the military. The men and women who put on the uniform possess an honor that many could not fathom. They are individuals who love this country and the people in it so much that they would walk away from their families, and their lives, and put theirs on the line for each and every one of us. Honor them, and never forget that freedom isn't free, they pay the price for all of us.

To my Ward, my best friend, my Man, my Daddy, my One, my only, my moon, my sun, my stars, my heart, my life, my dear true love, I am proud of you and I am honored to call you mine. You ARE my hero.

The Warriors Pledge

 Oh warrior, my brother, my sister: We once prepared for battle, and served our causes as best we could. Perhaps we are stained by blood shed by others, or carry scars from our own wounds.  Yet our task is not complete until we have acknowledged one another. Oh warrior, my brother my sister, I offer to you the following: I will honor your experience of service, recognizing that while your cause may not be mine, the terrors of war bind us together.  I will listen to your story, and share with you my own for without each other we cannot know the truth, nor can we tell the story to our children. 

I will value your life, even though in the past we may have sought to destroy one another and may indeed have destroyed lives precious to each other, today your life is precious to me.  I will give you the gift of my presence, that we may know each other as the warriors we are, complete our task, and welcome each other into our homes. Alan Cutter, NAVVVM, 1999

 

I pray for the day that the only way to visit a piece of your heart is not by touching a piece of granite. This wall bears two pieces of my heart, a special ops Army officer, panel 47W (12 years of service DOC 8-11-68), and a Navy flier (12 years of service DOC 4-26-78), panel 13E.

                                      

I pray for the day that no partner has to look at their other half with that look of love, and terror, and bravery on their eyes, and the fear that this may be the last time; that no parent has to hold their crying child and utter a promise they pray God allows them to keep, that no man sees his child enter the world over a video feed. 

I give thanks with a grateful, humble heart that my brave sailor does not have to leave, and that we are spared that fear and uncertainty this time. And I pray for each of his crew-mates and their families. I am plagued by a fear of my own selfishness, but he's mine - he's ours and we need him, and he's already given so much.

The Final Inspection

 

The soldier stood and faced God
Which must always come to pass
He hoped his shoes were shining
Just as brightly as his brass.

Step forward now, you soldier,
How shall I deal with you?
Have you always turned the other cheek?
To My Church have you been true?

The soldier squared his shoulders and said,
No, Lord, I guess I aint
Because those of us who carry guns
Cant always be a saint.

Ive had to work most Sundays
And at times my talk was tough,
And sometimes Ive been violent,
Because the world is awfully rough.

But, I never took a penny
That wasn't mine to keep...
Though I worked a lot of overtime
When the bills got just too steep,

And I never passed a cry for help,
Though at times I shook with fear,
And sometimes, God forgive me,
Ive wept unmanly tears.

I know I don't deserve a place
Among the people here,
They never wanted me around
Except to calm their fears.

If you've a place for me here, Lord,
It needn't be so grand,
I never expected or had too much,
But if you don't, Ill understand.

There was a silence all around the throne
Where the saints had often trod
As the soldier waited quietly,
For the judgment of his God,

Step forward now, you soldier,
You've borne your burdens well,
Walk peacefully on Heavens streets,
You've done your time in Hell.

"Today, a proud nation expresses our gratitude. But we do so mindful that no ceremony or parade, no hug or handshake is enough to truly honor that service. For that, we must do more. For that, we must commit—this day and every day—to serving you as well as you’ve served us." —President Obama

HIS POV: 
It is an honor to serve my country.  It is an even deeper honor to serve my family. June has once again touched my heart and I type this POV with tears in my eyes and a smile on my face. Things haven't always been easy, fun, or fair but with the Lord's grace and a devotion that is unrivaled we have managed to navigate the turbulence that is military family life... Thank you everyone for giving me something to fight for, thank you June for being my soft place to land.

How do I live?

      "He was the most beautiful and appealing man she had ever known...She gripped his hand, shivering with fear  and inexpressibly grateful that fate had combed her and him from the tangle of humanity, and that love had braided them together in marriage.
        He drew her into his arms. She held fast to him.
        One ear against his chest, she listened to his heart. The beat was strong, at first quickened by anxiety, but then growing calmer.
        Her heart slowed to match the pace of his.
        Steel has a high melting point, but higher still when it is alloyed with tungsten. Cashmere is a strong fabric, as is silk; however, a cashmere-and-silk blend will provide more warmth to the wearer than will either fabric alone.
         Alone, she had learned at a young age to carry all the weight of the world piled on her. As long as she had him, she could endure not just the terrors of this world but all those that might come from beyond it." The Taking: A Novel - Dean Koontz
 

I was reading yesterday and this passage struck me deeply. It could have been written about Ward and me. I've told the story before of how we met. Even then at that first contact, I found him to be the most appealing man I had ever known. The first time we spoke on the phone, I had to mop myself up off the floor. The man has the most incredible voice I have ever heard. It's deep and rich and smooth - it is the salted caramel sauce of voices.

The first time we stood in the same room, it was literally like all the air had been sucked from the room, and every other person and every other structure just disappeared in a puff of dissipating color, texture and substance. He took my hand and I was anchored. He wrapped his arms around me and for the first time in my life I felt safe, and very much like our characters in the book excerpt, my heartbeat slowed from the thunderous rhythm of fear that had driven my life, and met his calm, soothing, assured rhythm, and I knew that I would never again shoulder any burden alone. 

 

He gathered the tattered threads of my heart, my soul, my concept of self, my shattered hope, and he has added his, and we are weaving them into tapestry that is strong, resilient, comforting and the most beautiful thing I have ever experienced. For the first time ever, I am free to be who I am, not having to hide any part of myself. For the first time ever I see a beauty in myself. There is nothing that I cannot do with him at my side.  






 
And yet, I have to consider periods of time without him - that makes me desperate. As I write, we are waiting for word that will dictate whether Ward must deploy in the very near future. If he does, our family will be separated for Thanksgiving and Christmas. This will be our third. We are stronger than any deployment. We can do it. I know we can.I simply don't want to. 

 
I don't want to say - goodbye, be safe, see you soon, I love you, we'll make you proud. I don't want to wait on pins and needles every day for the mailman to see if there is something...anything from him. I don't want to send packages and pictures and things that keep his spirits up and feeling our love and wonder if they ever reach him, or they will be delivered after he finally gets home. I don't want to watch our children cry and say they miss him. I don't want to cry into my pillow every night, wishing for his heat, the sound of his breathing that makes me smile in the night, his arms and his sleep-honeyed voice saying, "be a good girl and go back to sleep" and snuggling against him hearing his heartbeat and letting it lull me. I don't want to walk through Walmart and stop suddenly feeling like I have been gut-punched and wondering if I can get out of there before I collapse. I don't want to. 

But if it is required of me, I will. I have this superstitious belief that you should not pray for a specific outcome, you may get what you want, but it may be wrapped in 30 things you don't. So I will pray to my God that He will grant the thing that is best for our family - for my man, our children and me. And I will accept what comes - even if it puts miles between us, because even then it will never tear us apart - and I will pray for the grace that I need to do it honorably and in a way that brings pride to my Ward and our family.. 
 

HIS POV:   
I'm in tears as I write this... To be blessed with such a beautiful, loving, intelligent and sweet lady to share a life and a family with.... It is nothing short of the grace of God.  It is incredibly humbling sharing something so sweet and romantic and powerful... I don't want to have to do those things either, to be absent life sweeter lived in proximity and harmony.... I will do my duty but, my family is always with me in my heart... It is an honor to love you June, and I know sometimes, this life demands too much of us, but I will not fail you.  Our love is strong enough, and the Lord's grace is sufficient.

Being Daddy's little girl

So we know how Ward became Daddy. He said when he came back he wanted post about his experience of being Daddy, and we in fact talked about that the other evening. This is about what it feels like being little, what it feels like being his little girl.

He is my everything. He is every prayer I ever uttered answered, and every dream I never dared. He is my best friend. He is my leader. He is my man. He is my hero. He is my lover. He is my guide. He is my heart. He is m'anumchara. He is my King. He is every good thing that ever is or will be in one word - Daddy.

I've spoken briefly here and there about us having a D/lg dynamic in our mix. And we've established that we are not age-play. When we are intimate, I am not a little girl. I am all woman (just ask Ward, lol). I don't dress in frilly clothes, there are no hair bows, pacifiers, diapers. When Daddy spanks, he spanks his partner, not an errant child, though my childlike side often reacts if I feel I have wronged him, or been less than I want to be for him. It is not something we step into and step out of for play or for short periods of time.

Those are a bunch of things it's not. So what is it? It is who we are every moment of every day. It's loving sparkly, shiny, jingly things, and having Daddy indulge that, admiring the things that catch my eye. It's his being tickled when I am distractable. It's enjoying blowing bubbles and water gun fights and tickle fights. It's about never hearing "Oh, grow up!"





It's about sharing the joy of those simple things. It's giggling with abandon, and his chuckle further fueling my giggle. It's eating with your fingers and feeding Daddy with your fingers, and him licking you clean. It's being scared or sad and having arms wrapped around you and never hearing, "You're being ridiculous", but hearing, "It's all right, darling, Daddy's here." It's about Daddy listening to your broken heart and fixing the things that are wrong.



It's about being me, perfectly imperfect just me, and being loved unconditionally. It's about Daddy looking into my heart and showing me how beautiful I am, over and over again, even when I resist that idea. It's about him showing me that even when I make a mistake, I am loved, and I am good, just my actions are sometimes in error.






It is the freedom to be exactly who I am, never holding back any small part of myself, completely laid bare, completely vulnerable and unvarnished before him, and being protected and treasured and safe.