Perfectionism

This post comes from a conversation I had with Grace. She posed a question to me that really got me thinking, and became a very long answer that I said would make a great post....so I made it one :)
                                                         
I have a question for you.  I know that you (and Ward too, but we're talking about you right now) hold yourself to a high standard.  You have certain expectations of yourself and Ward has certain expectations of you.  What I'm wondering is, how do you avoid falling into the trap of perfectionism?  Because it doesn't seem like you struggle with that...or do you?




Oh gosh - this is a loaded question for me, lol. I do hold myself to a very high standard, because I feel that he and the boys deserve no less. I agree that perfectionism stems from insecurity and sometimes fear, I have been afraid all my life that my best efforts are not good enough, that I am not good enough. If you consider perfectionism as: Perfectionism, in psychology, is a personality disposition characterized by an individual striving for flawlessness and setting excessively high performance standards, accompanied by overly critical self-evaluations and concerns regarding others' evaluations. - then yes, I suffer from perfectionism BIG TIME! The one thing is I am always sure that I will never be able to attain perfection, because I am inherently imperfect, I try to accept that with humility. Daddy, bless him, says that perfection does not matter, but that I constantly put in effort to be more, do more, even if I don't succeed, I tried to give him my best.

 

I used to beat myself up over that quite a lot. I don't so much with Daddy, because he will not allow me to do so. Most of the time he is very patient, and I am learning from that to be more patient with myself. Honestly looking to examine if I truly did give the best of myself to the task. If I did, I try to accept that I did, and that I can try to do better next time. Sometimes I am less successful, and those are the times that land me otk - not correction, more like get-your-head-straight/stop-spinning/stress-relief kind of discipline.
 

I was talking to my therapist about it, and she said because of how ingrained that fear, and that need to be loved and accepted is, that it is something that may never go away. But she says she sees improvement with it since I'm with Ward. So how do I cope? Well, when I start feeling it, I ask myself if I did my best, if there was a way I could have done better, and then I offer it to him with my whole heart. He has never rejected anything I have given him. I try to see how it affects him and take that inside, seeing that it touches him and that the efforts are appreciated and treasured. It's a work in progress. I have never had the positive feedback I get from him. I try to realize that his reaction is kind of like his gift to me, as much as my actions to him, and realize that when I doubt myself it is the same as questioning his sincerity, so I try to accept his genuine gratitude with a heart as open as that with which he accepts my offerings to him.


HIS POV:  

 I must remain vigilant in the expression of my love and acceptance of June. More than that I recognize the heartfelt effort that June puts forth in all things... In our relationship, in being a wife and a mother, indeed in all things. I recognize that her upbringing was harsh, desolate, cold and void of acceptance. My love for her is unconditional just as I know that hers is for me.  Patience despite humanity is a gift that I long to bring June. Her heart needs it, and I know how much she struggles with this particular issue.

The truth is, I've learned so much from June and I owe her a debt of gratitude... She's very patient with me as well and she has taught me much about what a Father and Husband are all about.  She and the boys love me, and more than any amount of  fear or perfection (yes I can be a bit of a perfectionist) their love for me, in spite of the things I struggle with, speak volumes.

I am a blessed man to be able to give my all to a beautiful lady and two beautiful children who  allow me to make a mistake... I must have the mind process that we can all learn to accept our humanity just as much as learn from our mistakes.  Giving from a loving heart is also one of the things I strive to do every single day!