DD/TTWD, Spanking, and Self-Discovery

                                                        

                                                                    

DD/TTWD is truly an amazing, vibrant lifestyle. We get the benefit of learning and being even more mindful of our partner's ideas, thoughts, dreams and desires. Even though June and I came into our relationship "as is", we have also discovered much about each other. When we were at the "feeling out" stage of our relationship,  there was certainly some trepidation about some of the things that we both felt and enjoyed. We have routinely  been delighted to find out that our communication has  led to us  being completely and utterly on the same page. June and I have come to realize that we probably belong to a sub-category of DD/TTWDers that may in fact be all our own.  We have alluded to, suggested, and even plainly stated that we are in fact spanking enthusiasts as well as a practicing DD/TTWD couple.

                                                                  

 I guess to some that might seem like an oxymoron, but June and I couldn't imagine life any other way. We also know that there are quite a few professed "spank-nos" out there.  I would also go a bit further and dare ask a question.... What if the line were blurred? What would happen if spanking wasn't used strictly for correction? What would happen if you discovered a wonderful tool that led to you talking more, touching more, kissing more, and making love deeper and stronger?  I'm sure you're all saying that it's easy for me to say and that my own backside isn't on the line, but truth is that far beyond correction or even discipline, there is something about spanking that calls to our shared sense of intimacy. It's more than just sexy, it's more than just something we do, it's who we are and what we share with nobody else. It brings us clarity, focus and speaks deep of the devotion that we hone daily.

                                                                                                 

                                           

 It doesn't necessarily have to be spanking.  We realize  that everyone is different, unique, special. That is in fact part of the magic of relationships. Romance, dedication and communication can unveil more than what simply passes a passionate fancy... No, sometimes intimate, connective time unveils a deeper side of our relationship. The kind we guard, the kind we have a thirst for... Those defining intimate moments that you savor while you are at work and pop into your head while you are doing a load of laundry. Even now typing this I am reminded of the thirst I have for June's love, affection, touch and sweet, soft kindness.  Every day in every way this energy, this intimacy defines a relationship.  June and I just happen to think that spanking in it's many sumptuous forms happens to be a perfect vehicle for this.

                                                              

Self-discovery begins with but a few words, communication is the key. Do you have a unrequited passion that you long to share with your partner? Tell them, show them how you feel, and that it's more than that tingly feeling  or something that curls your toes.  Trepidation much?  Sometimes the only way to gain new ground is to take the first step and give voice to our thoughts, dreams, and yes, desires.  Likewise, take the time to give ear to the voice of your partner... Work together to find that special place that belongs to you as a couple and you as a couple alone.  Find that spark, let if blossom into the beautiful flames of deep intimacy. 

                                                  

 Knowing these things, DD/TTWD has actually improved in every aspect for us.  That connection we speak of, that intimacy drives us to be our best. June is the best woman that I've ever had the pleasure to know, and she puts everything into being loving wife, mother, and best friend.  DD/TTWD also makes me want to be a better man, to be a good father and to bring love and light to our family. Who would have thought a teensy, tiny little spanking would do all that?!





                               

Her POV:

I was raised in a culture of guilt. I accept the blame for everything, and I mean everything. I stress from life in general, I didn't do well enough, I didn't give enough, I shouldn't have been annoyed at the children, the laundry wasn't done, I didn't finish an assignment, dinner was delayed or something happened along the way and a step took longer than it should have. I am my own worst critic.

I take things to heart. Sometimes I am overly sensitive. Things are said that are innocuous, but I get upset. Or just the trials of life, things beyond  our control, I fret, and knowing how much is on his plate, hold them in, effectively building walls. I rely on him to help me. Spankings break down those walls and keep us stripped and open, close and communicating.

At other times there is nothing as intimate as laying yourself bare across his lap, open for his touch, in all the ways he chooses to touch you. It is a wonderful, warm, soft, surrendered, vulnerable, cared for, loved, protected feeling. It, too, is stripped away intimacy.

Spanking for us is the tool, the vehicle that we use to drive our relationship. I look to him to support me as I support him, to elevate me as I elevate him, to hold me accountable, to change my 'stinkin' thinkin', to correct me when I stray from our truth, to help me be open, soft, feminine and vulnerable. For us, these things often start with me across his lap, with his leadership and my trust,with my vulnerability and his acceptance, and with the gift to each other of authenticity, of his Dominance and my submission.

Personalization In Your Dynamic

The time has come to approach and illuminate a topic that has the potential to effect a large percentage of the folks in DD/TTWD marriages as well as resound throughout blogland. This is a topic that June and I both very strongly about and while we understand that some people have differing opinions, we feel that speaking out about the potential pifalls and dangers of single minded, insensitive, approaches to DD/TTWD and some of the potentially disastrous consequences that can befall even seasoned couples in an otherwise healthy relationship.  We do not seek to proclaim ourselves experts, and would not dare deign to tell others that our way is "The Way" or disrespect any established couples. We hope that you will share in this journey to the heart and health of DD/TTWD and we freely encourage people to ask questions.

Have you ever stopped and considered what makes your relationship special and unique? Is it the things you say to each other? Is it how you treat each other? Is it how you interpretation of the intricacies of  your dynamic? We ask that you keep these questions in mind as we discuss and speak out about something that has been eating at us.  There are several entities and resources in the DD/TTWD world that claim that they are "experts" or that their way is "the way" to go. We will speak out against this and denounce this as dangerous and somewhat reckless. I'm sure some of you have heard of several "books" or have heard of  Domestic Discipline "bootcamps" or "bootcamp" style relationship training.  Some see this as a way to condition or indoctrinate their spouse to the concepts of "leadership", "punishment"  and the general foundation, and day to day concepts of the DD/TTWD lifestyle.  It is our opinion that an "all encompassing" or  formulaic approach to something as precious and important as the DD lifestyle is reckless at best and dangerous at it's worst. We believe that for a couple to get the most  out of this lifestyle,  that a great dear of care must be exercised when dealing with each others emotions,  ideas, expressions, affections etc... In simpler terms it is paramount that we know and understand each other in order to best serve each other's needs even and especially the need for order, discipline and structure.

One of the things that we've seen with the "bootcamp" principal is the idea of punishment to introduce the concept of submission or "to get used to it."  The idea of punishment without a good reason is an idea that is destructive, harmful and absolutely without merit. We expressly admit that we do believe in spanking as a submission exercise, as well as spankings for role reinforcement, but the idea of arbitrary punishment is nothing less than detrimental to the mental and spiritual state of the TiH and the state of the relationship.  Regrettably, June and I have both also seen the negative impact that the bootcamp experience can offer... Sometimes it sends the wrong message to both HoH and TiH... A misguided HoH can become disconnected from his TiH and may not be aware of the real emotions, fears, and true honesty... If punishment or correction occurs without merit? How can we expect real honesty? In the wrong situations, a TiH  may feel various feelings of negativity, resentment, fear or inadequacy at the prospect of unwarranted punishment...This in conjunction with several other factors could easily cause hard feelings, and difficulty in communication.  We should also express that  there may be merit in the idea of bootcamp...open communication about the expectations of the house, what a couple is striving for, open and honest discussions about  the impact that you both expect and desire,  healthy and considerate introductions to healthy forms of spankings that have a purpose... These are all things that can benefit a healthy happy relationship and we would entreat people to explore these concepts  in a "them" centric manner that speaks to their own unique considerations, needs, and requirements.

One of the other concepts that we would express at this time is the need for consistent care, awareness, and  respect to both people in the relationship.  I may be the HoH in our relationship, but I am also cognizant of the fact that June needs me to demonstrate not only a fierce love but a deep and uncompromising respect for her as my wife, the mother of my children, and the voice and life of our home.  We have learned that in our relationship, we must make the time to develop and perfect a process that speaks to the decisions we make and the importance that we hold for each other, and that is our suggestion to you... Work together to discover something that you can develop a blueprint for a healthy happy relationship that puts a sharp and clear focus on healthy and pure unity.

June here - I believe that as a start to DD, having a dedicated time with no interruptions to outline the specifics of the relationship, such as rules and expectations of both partners is a constructive, foundation-building thing. I believe that one of those expectations should be time set aside every single day to connect and affirm our roles, rather than have periodic bootcamps to realign or redefine.

It is no secret that Daddy and I do daily maintenance. So please do not take this to mean that I am speaking against spanking, or other methods of correction as tools in a DD relationship, or that I am speaking out of both sides of my mouth. When Daddy spanks for role affirmation, for discipline, just because he can, or for correction, he takes the time to see me. He knows me well enough to understand what I need, to understand what it takes to get through to me. You can see this kind of leadership all over blogland, HoH's who understand their women and lead instinctively, like Jim, Jake, Ian, Michael, Dragon, Omega and Steven to name a few.  To not cultivate that kind of environment, that kind of interaction can result in more unwanted behaviors that it prevents. I believe that submission should come from a place of wanting to give respect and deference to our HoH, a place of desiring to be pleasing, a place of service, and not a fear of punishment.

I think it is dangerous to take someone hungry for the closeness that DD brings, and trepidatious about what it takes to lead, and give them a checklist of how to conduct a spanking or corrective action. I think the formulaic approach can lead some to think there is no other way, does not encourage them to see how things fit into their relationships and how to make it their own. I believe the approach can teach an HoH to close himself off to his TiH. For example in our case because of my background, corner time or time in our room would create panic in me, I would feel abandoned. I need his reassurance that he is there and that the things he does, even correction, come from a place of love. When correction is over I need his arms, and his assurances that his love is unconditional, that I am forgiven, and that we are moving forward with growth and a better understanding, and the transgression won't be brought up again by either of us. He won't allow me to beat myself up over something we have resolved.

I think the bootcamp experience can be emotionally draining, and then to heap a long evening of causeless punishments can be emotionally damaging. This kind of thing can break one's spirit. For us the idea of DD is never to diminish each other, and Daddy would never, ever break my spirit. I think that there needs to be a purge in that establishment period, something like Roz's beautiful ceremony detailed in her post "Collared". For Daddy and myself there was something similar, yes a very long, firm spanking, with lots of love and pride expressed as a sign of the things we were letting go, and the things we choose to embrace. This has to be what speaks to and serves your relationship, not from a checklist or chart.

As I stated above, for me submission come from a desire to serve, a desire to be pleasing, not because I fear the consequences if I displease him in breaking one of our rules. I think that both Dominance and submission call us to be mindful of our partners, and to take the time to reaffirm our roles and commitment to them daily. Yes, we spank daily. We also affirm our roles within our relationship and to each other in small ways every day. Much as mouse beautifully illustrates again and again of her dynamic with Omega, Daddy understands my need to feel his Dominance, and his devotion to me is to provide submission exercises. These can be spankings, writing assignments, or tasks. And I try to be mindful of his needs and provide things in service and deference to him, like meeting him at the door with a drink or removing his shoes and socks after a long day and refreshing and massaging his feet.

As Daddy said, none of this is to say that we have all the answers. We have worked very hard to have the answers for us. Sometimes we see something that someone else shares that speaks to a struggle we have had. We discuss it and see how it applies to us. We are grateful for the mentorship provided by the experienced couples in this community. We believe the opportunities to speak with others in this lifestyle through our blogs, and the various chatrooms are invaluable. We believe that everyone can only speak with authority to their own relationship.  And no one can or should speak as an authority on this lifestyle in general. 

Ward again - We would like to finish this post by expressing that in addition to understanding the way your process works for you, you may also find some deep and unexpected benefits of a enriched, personalized DD/TTWD relationship. Taking the time to develop, nourish, and evolve an ideology and lifestyle that is right for you and your partner....No this isn't always easy, fair, or fun, and yes, you will be tested....sometimes it's going to hurt, but knowing that we matter to each other, really matter, enough to effect a positive culture of awareness and responsibility says that this love is unconditional, indubitable and transcendent.

We also have to admit that we have both made a few mistakes and suffered a few setbacks, neither one of us is perfect. The beauty of mistake-making though is in the growth and knowledge that this begets. When we learn, we grow and when we grow we see the positive effect that change can have in our relationships.  Establishing these changes allows us to tweak and further refine the policies and expectations that benefit our relationships the most. It all starts with a mindset that teaches us to develop our own unique ideas, needs, and thoughts... We would suggest this might be a great starting point for the uninitiated, or a great vantage point for the established. Either way, there is much wealth to be mined in investing our own time and energy in the way we approach DD/TTWD.
June again -  The essence of DD/TTWD relationships is mutual mindfulness and respect. When we undertake activities we want them to enrich our dynamics, not potentially break our spirits or damage us or our relationships. Ward and I often look at our children and think - Lord they didn't come with an instruction manual. Truth be told, when I was pregnant with my first I read every single book because I wanted to be the best I could be. When I was handed that little person I reaffirmed my undying commitment to him. And when I sat on the living room floor crying because those books didn't answer the questions I had, and nothing was working for THIS child, I realized even the author can only speak from their own personal experience. They didn't know MY child. I had to open my heart and reach out with my spirit and my soul to his, and find the ways that I could best benefit him.

The truth is, we are humans, and we are different, and our experiences, thoughts, feelings, beliefs, psyches and reactions are all influenced by our personality and our personal experiences. There is no one size fits all answer. And there are no manuals. We would encourage you to read, to seek, but we would also encourage you to take whatever you find and make it your own, with the well-being of your partner's heart, mind, body and being in the forefront of your mind. 

The Difficult Conversations

                                             

Have you ever had to talk about something hard? Did you dread the potential reaction? Well folks, it's as inevitable as a rainy day or taxes.  There is unpleasantness that must addressed in a timely fashion.  As an HoH, I'm aware of many different things, and I do indeed attempt to keep "The Big Picture" in mind when I have to make decisions or have conversations I must be mindful of my choice of words, my own emotions and her reception to, not only my words, but my intent.

Admittedly, my natural inclination is going to be to look at things from my own point of view.. I've learned over time and through observation that  a black and white view isn't always conductive to a healthy conversation... especially if it isn't an easy or fun one. It's not a state secret that men and women tend to think and react differently on different subjects... but in all honesty that is a very valuable thing.  Sometimes June's honest, open feedback has been the difference between a good decision and a decision that could have potentially adverse effects on our family's well being and our relationship's well being.

                                                                        

There are a lot of different subjects that can bring stress merely by being broached. Money, school, life, kids, even and especially DD/TTWD.  Stress can and sometimes does make it hard to see past our own ideas, opinions and fears, I don't need to tell anyone how much harder that this makes communication. If I'm honest, I can admit that sometimes I am wrong. I depend on June to not only keep me honest, but to bring a much needed point of view that can help me make the best decisions, work through my own personal issues and help our relationship improve and grow.

                                                                

                                        

Along with knowing how to listen as well as talk... sometimes environmental factors have to be considered as well. We all know how hard it is to talk about something serious when there are a thousand distractions in  the environment around us, and sometimes it's not quite as simple as simply turning off the tv, shushing the children or asking someone to call back later.  Every day beckons and finds a way to distract us as well.... After school sports, PTA meetings, play dates, errands, grocery store trips etc... I believe these things, while a vital part of living and raising a family can add to an already packed schedule... we have a responsibility to each other, our children and our relationship to remain at the highest levels of functionality.  We don't like to let problems or issues  stagnate and, generally we are pretty good about handling things before the sun goes down (we make it a point) but sometimes, our kids, being the kids that they are, keep us on our toes.

                                              

Sometimes we find that quiet place between loving and sleeping... We talk about our day, the next day, work, the kids, bills and sometimes even those things that aren't so easy to confront. We hold each others hands, give each other a chance to speak without interruption and look deep into the others eyes. We talk.  We talk about everything and even when we have to talk something that isn't easy to hear or respond to, we find ourselves. We find each others honesty refreshing.  Prior to us, both of us had been involved with people who weren't so good for us, and in many instances not invested in the  communication like we are with each other and again this change is very exciting for us, and it never gets old.. We find and make new opportunities to make our relationship better, grow past our own limitations and become better people for each other and our families.

                                                 

It's not always easy to find the opportunities that make communication let alone the difficult conversations possible, but we would encourage everyone to find or make time to do so. Not only will you gain better insight of your place in your relationship, but you will also gain greater insight to yourself!

Her POV:

Maybe because of the the lives we lived before 'us', maybe because of the way we started, maybe because of his career, maybe for countless other reasons, we hold the privilege of communication in almost a sacred place. We have not always had the ability to just reach out for assurance, for help, for love - oh we always knew it was there, but those tangible things, touch, a kiss, a look across the room, a soft smile - we missed those things, and we held onto each other.

We did that because in the times we had, we filled up on each other. We made sure the other knew that without them, there is just no sense to any of the other things... they are hollow, and vastly meaningless without your One. We go through the motions, and we wait for the day we can take a big deep breath and feel like we're living again...that day when we fill our lungs with the scent of each other, and breathe for the first time in months.

So when those opportunities come up to communicate, to grow, to learn, to back up our words with action, we relish it - even when it's hard, even when there may be tears, even when we have to take a breath and hold back that angry tone, even when we are tired, even when it may result in discipline, even when it might result in correction. Why? Because when we communicate, when we allow ourselves to strip down before our One, we become stronger. We become us. We become beautiful, and burnished and we shine.

Appreciating the Little Things

                                              

Have you ever thought about the little things that your partner does to make your life, your home, and your world a better place to live in?  Upon realization of the impact that your love has, did you take the time to truly appreciate their effort to make life better, easier, and brighter for you?  If you've ever been out "people watching" as June and I sometimes do, I'm sure you've seen it, you know the difficult teenager, the ungrateful wife, the petulant child that didn't get exactly what they wanted. It makes me sad. I mean are we, as a society so far removed from each other that we can't recognized an honest effort to make each other happy?

                                             

 I have found that with June, she truly gets it. If I mention a dish my mom made when I was a child, she starts looking for recipes.  If I mention something I think is sexy she does it without thinking about it. Noticing these things, I can do no less than offer her my sincere thanks and make a deep and honest effort to reciprocate as often as I can.  When she mentions that her feet hurt, I rub them for her. When the kids become overly exuberant... I distract them for her.  Me, I personally think bringing your partner the little things that make them thrive is sexy... Maybe it sounds a little chauvinistic, but I love how domestic June is, she keeps our home comfortable, warm,  and she nourishes the minds and bodies of all under our roof and for that she will always have my deepest and frequently spoken appreciation.

                                                     

Sometimes it's being there for each other at the end of a long day, frequently my job drains me and even if she can't tend to my physical needs right  away she's always there with a hug, a kiss, and a cold glass of water... She gives me the 15 minutes I need, when I get home, to decompress and get ready to give  my family my best.  When we first became acquainted with each other, the first time I pretty much knew she was "the one" when I saw how she relished taking care of me. She had tears streaming down my cheeks when she took my hand and told me that she could love someone like me... Such a moment is so small, but so deep like the rings rippling outward from the stone. A microcosm unto itself, this moment huge in meaning small on the outside sparked the beginnings of something beautiful

                                                           
                                                                                                  


It is easy to imagine and even apply these concepts to a DD/TTWD relationship. When you think about it, that's what it's really all about isn't it? Taking the time to say thank you is a lost art in this country and at least in this house we will know reciprocity, selflessness and love. We will attempt to do not only the obvious gestures but the small ones as well. June my love, I honestly don't say thank you enough for all that you do, for all that you contribute, for all that you are. I strive to continually improve as your HoH, your husband, your leader, I want you to know how much you bring me and the boys. Thank you for being patient, giving, flexible, sweet and good-natured even when things are chaotic... You bring our home peace.

                                                  

We would suggest that there is much to be gained by exploring  the impact that you have on each other. Say thank you, and look to the memories you have made and search those small moments for the magic that makes a good couple into a great couple. Each day is a new opportunity for thankfulness, Reciprocity, Growth and Discovery! What will you find?  What will you say to each other? We would encourage you all in appreciating the little things that make our relationships big!

                                                          

Her POV:

 I know that I am hopelessly old-fashioned. I know that I am not politically correct. I know that I am excruciatingly happy. I love this man. When I see the weight of the world on his shoulders, I am compelled to ease his burden in the ways that I can, a touch, small considerations, closeness when he needs it, or space when he requires it. I wish to make our home a place of peace, a safe harbor. I love to cook and nourish my family, and pray for the strength to nourish their hearts, spirits and souls as well as their bodies.

There is nothing better than to hear him speak of a remembered moment of pleasure and be able to reproduce that for him. There is nothing better than seeing his eyes close and hear that happy sound as he takes a bite of butterscotch pie that his grandmother made and no one could replicate, or the oatmeal chocolate chip hazelnut cookies like his mom used to make, or a key lime pie he proclaims as the best in the world. These are very small things that I can do for him to not only tell him,but show him his worth to me.

A long time ago, another lifetime really, when I was going through a very difficult time and talking with a friend who was a Christian counselor, she told me that I was a righteous woman.  I looked up the quote she had recited, and found Proverbs 31. I appreciated her assessment and thought she was crazy, I was not that good. I was just me, and surely if I was that, I would have been enough for someone.

The concept intrigued me, though, and I researched more, trying to understand. I surely didn't believe that I was this woman - this was an ideal, a goal that I could strive for. I found a beautiful sermon that outlined the characteristics of this extraordinary woman: she is strong, while remaining graceful, poised and dignified; she is trustworthy; as a habit of life, she does good for her husband and family; she is industrious; she is compassionate, she has a husband worthy of respect; strength and dignity are hers; she looks to the future with a smile.

"This is not about size, weight, or magazine cover beauty. This is about character and lifestyle that will be a blessing to any husband or family. And this woman, a wise man will seek her or help her to become just such a woman." I am not this woman, but I strive to become like her. And with God's grace I was given a wise man to help me on my journey. He along with this wonderful life we live help me to be my truest self, and we were both given this community to support us on our journey.

Happy Valentine's Day.... or is it?

Daddy and I were talking this morning about Valentine's Day... more about that in a minute. Then I was talking to a friend who said she hates Valentine's Day. And her sentiments echoed what Daddy and I had talked about this morning (we hardly ever post the day we write, we keep a 'vault' of stuff that we write when we're able,  so when life gets hectic there's something to pull from). So I thought it might make a good post.

Valentine's Day, it's worth knowing where the legend comes from, and just a warning, it's kind of grisly, not graphically so, but not really all completely warm and fuzzy. But the message goes beyond the note, signed "from your Valentine", the message, to me, is that you would be willing to die for your love.

So I would challenge you... is one day enough to show the one you love that you would die for them? Is it enough to show that you would die for the love that you create, and that lives in you? Does a box of candy or a piece of jewelry say all that you wish to say - does it speak the truth of your heart?

No, I am not decrying or trying to minimalize extravagant gestures. I am simply saying sometimes we need to remember that there is great love in small gestures. There is great love in meeting your partner at the door with a smile and a look that says, "I'm so glad you're home. Now I finally am, too." There is great love in meeting requests with a smiling, "Yes, love." There is great love in crafting, meals and treats you know he enjoys. There is great love in coming home from work and taking the children so she can have ten blessedly quiet minutes to complete a task, or half an hour to read a book, or sit in the yard with a cup of tea. There is great love in touch, a brush against your cheek for no reason than to show that your heart swelled when you looked at them, or when you see the mark of the world on them and you wrap your arms around them to protect them and wipe it all away with the tears that cleanse their souls.

I wonder when we lost sight of that, and thought we could only say I love you, once a year? My friend and I said that seems like it's something you have to do, not something that you thrive on doing, something that feeds you in the feeding of your love.

So Ward, my heart, my Daddy, my love, I pray that I take full advantage of every opportunity to show you the depths of my love. Today, you received a coupon book for things like a massage, your favorite cookies, stress relief, grace when it's difficult - in the rare event that you err. I would hope that I extend these things every day in my expression of love for you. But I am human, and sometimes I miss the signs of need, or get wrapped up in the day and forget those little extras. So please use these to remind me to never let the day go to bed without telling you how much you touch me, how essential you are to me and to our family, and how very, very much I love you. Happy Valentines's Forever, my Love.




HIS POV:
Love is a beautiful thing that deserves to be nurtured and fed every single day of the year. Can we give less than our very best to the people that we love? Didn't think so. Love, passion, reciprocity and the clear and loud expression of our hearts that's where it begins and it never ends.  June my darling, today you received a letter with a surprise and a coupon book of your own... I am human as well, I make errors but yet you love me anyway and everyday is like a holiday, every meal a feast, you make my heart sing forever my love.

Images of Ward and June - Part 2

We all exist before we find our one, though some of us never really live. I existed before him...small and inconspicuous and quiet so I could disappear.... it was safer. He saw something, stopped, stooped and reached his hand into that place and called to me. And I was compelled to respond...not with a conscious mind...with all the fire and light and desire and fear inside screaming for a safe place and finding his arms. There I flourish, there I burn without being consumed, fly without fear,find wonders never imagined, and peace...for the first time.       

 

            

Surely then you can see that I am home...in you...that without you I would return to a vacuum, for you are that which feeds my soul. There is no choice because you are the answer to every question I have ever had and I cannot imagine being without you...eternity plus a day won't be enough.
















 Someday came when I met you, my love... and every moment before became irrelevant...except that they prepared me for you, and made sure that I would remember to tell you every single day how much I love you, how special you are, and how if you are the reward, every single thing has been worth it to be loved by you.
                                                  

...and I love him...

HIS POV:   

I won't remember before and can only dare treasure the now... Names, faces, places hold no meaning.  If my life was a desert, your love is the rain transforming my abrasive grit into a garden of love and delight. I am a empty vessel standing before the flowing fountain of your love.  Perfect in reciprocity, your love calms me like waves lapping upon the shore in the sparkling sunlight or our love.  I love you, June!

Commitment

                                                                  
                                                  
                                               

I want to talk about commitment.  It's a word that I fear that some would take too lightly.  Real commitment whether that is to a task, a job, or to others speaks volumes about one's character and leaves an impression that will not easily be forgotten. Commitment is also easier said than given, especially in a world that increasingly caters to the "easy" or  "instant gratification" crowd. Commitment tests our patience, our willingness to set aside our own ego, our own desires and reveals the true measure and depth of a person's character.  Some ten years or so ago, when I was a much younger man, I  put my hand on God's word and I took an oath... I made a big commitment at a time when perhaps I didn't understand what real commitment was about.

                                                                               

                                                                                                                  

Oh aye, the military definitely influenced the way I speak, the way I think, the way I behave (even now).  Suddenly a young man apart, far away from everything and everyone he ever knew was  thrust into a new and more expectant world that demanded results and expected performance.  Commitment meant not only following orders, and drastically altering my appearance, or getting up at 0-dark hundred, which occurs half an hour before 0-dark thirty.  It was a new lifestyle, a new role and a new ideology.

Then came stress... I can't and in some cases won't go into specifics, but suffice to say that I've been through some things that made me doubt my place in my life, my relationships prior to June, everything. Some time ago I had the fortune to be introduced to and learn so much from a very good friend, whose influence inspired my own personal take on DD/TTWD and the wisdom and growth that individuals and couples can experience. 

                                                                                                          

                                                   

With June, I have been committed from the beginning. Committed to my job as her Husband, her protector, her leader, her lover, her best friend. Being committed on these particular terms is a labor of love and a true conduit for the reciprocity that we present to each other daily. Even when it isn't easy or fun or one of us isn't at our best showing, and displaying the grace and direction of dedication, commitment inspires and causes us to appreciate each other and what we see as important to our relationship and to each other. Sometimes being committed means taking time to connect to June or the boys when I am dead tired or looking forward to something else... but if a HoH isn't dedicated to his family and their needs, what's the point?  I realize that sometimes being a good HoH for my darling and being a good example for our boys means showing them that commitment means

                                                

                                                                   

                                                    

- Being a provider

- Completing the tasks that you have been given, even and especially when we find them distasteful or difficult

- That when you start something, you finish it

-  A real man and a real woman don't fold up like a two-dollar lawn chair when things don't go their way or real life sneaks up on them

- Doing a job that you don't enjoy, is difficult or exhausting to provide your family with their needs and some of the stuff they want, is indeed honorable.

I also have to be a steady and sure example for June and more than just tell her, show her the kind of committed solidarity that neither of us had before each other... I show her by

- Listening
- Giving her my full and undivided attention
- Following through with what I say
- Granting her access to my mind and body even when I ache
- Doing my best for us and each other every single day.

Commitment and DD/TTWD go hand in hand and it is easy to see how any kind of relationship benefits and grows with the careful and thoughtful application of  consistency and commitment. When you are tired, when you are achy, when you just want a moment to yourself, take a second and think. Show your partner your best, even when they are at their worst... Commitment makes us and our stronger for the effort!




                                                 

Her POV:

I have long been dismayed by our disposable society. When things become  inconvenient we give them away, children, pets, the ill, the elderly. We shouldn't have to try harder, evaluate ourselves, extend ourselves, find a way through.This society teaches us to find our way around, to find our way out.

I have always poured all that I had into every relationship, from the very first. Beaten and broken I was offered a way out of the womb donor's house, and replied that I could not, she needed me. Relationship after relationship would find me unhappy, talking to my partner, not getting what I needed and resolving I would double my efforts, be more, do more, love harder.... had to be me, right? Partners out of work, me working four jobs seven days a week, working 16 - sometimes 20 hours a day to get us through. Them, bored, you're always working, you never have time, going out with friends, friends become lovers.When did any of that become okay? When did it become  okay to walkaway from your children because the new girlfriend is much more fascinating? Or stop having them over because the girlfriend treats them poorly.

I'm not perfect, never have been, never will be, never claimed to be, not even close. When I give you my word I will pour my blood, sweat and honest intent into upholding my commitment. When did commitment become an option? When I pledged to love and protect my children, I meant ... mean still, that I will protect them with my life. When I pledged myself and my love to Ward, I meant and reaffirm every day, in every single thought, word, and deed... that I will give him my all, my purest, fiercest, undying, ever-growing love, my deference, my obeisance, my support, my fullest effort, my devotion, the full measure of perfectly imperfect me ...when the sun is shining, when it's warm, when it's easy, and even when I'm tired, even when I am bone weary, even when my heart and mind, and body and soul ache.

This time around, though, it is returned, and that is warm, and comforting ... even on the hardest of days....it gives me strength... it elevates me and makes me better.

Once again, my love, I commit myself to you and to our family. I commit my heart, my mind, my body, my soul, my love and devotion, my obedience, my submission to you. It honors me that you accept. I love you.

The No-Shutdown Rule

                                                      

    There are times in a DD/TTWD relationship that discipline and correction will be a dreaded but  necessary action that  requires a clear mind, a firm hand, and an open, honest heart.  I've talked about discipline and correction in other posts before, but in this post I'd like to illustrate the importance of connectivity, even during correction, unmet expectations, or hurt feelings.

Sometimes it can be difficult to express the let-down that we feel in our partner's actions, non-actions and potentially careless words or deeds. That's why June and I feel that communication and expression are vital to us and our interpretation of this lifestyle. Sometimes irritation, disappointments, hurt feelings, etc. can cloud  the effectiveness of  what we are really trying to communicate. I know that I can be fairly adamant about my expectations and when they should be met. In most instances June and I are very much on the same page, but there have been a few occasions where she or I were off the mark and needed to take a few min to get emotion out of the picture, think clearly and not let hurt or anger get the best of us.

                                                      

 

We also believe that taking time is one thing, but drawing out an unresolved problem is unhealthy and unnecessary.  Shutting down is never acceptable in our house. I mean I have to think that if I am the HoH and I am to effectively lead and guide my family, that it is even LESS acceptable for me to start shutting down and be non-communicative. In the beginning this was something that I struggled with and no, I'm not proud of that. June got me thinking and talking and for me that was a major, major step, even outside DD/TTWD. I've never been in a relationship that made communication so easy, so fluid, and so welcome and even despite my attempts to clam-up and keep to myself, our love won out and I found my voice.  We think that it is far better to put things on the table, refine our thoughts, and turn towards the relationship in order to clear the air and move forwards before the sun sets.  Letting an issue stagnate can only lead to hard feelings, and cracks in the armor of our relationships and our own interaction.

                                            


  When  June and I discussed the foundation of our relationship we realized that one of the things that makes BOTH of us better is accountability and while I may not be the one on the receiving end of a good spanking, the standards of our relationship must, do and in fact apply to a higher standard for me. We often tell our youngest to "use your words" and that's something that I do in fact have to tell myself.... I'll be honest in that regard.  I'm like a lot of men, I don't want to talk about it... but being the man, the man my wife and children look to for answers, the head of our home, has taught me that I can't afford to do that anymore... That and June will, and in fact should, call me on that.  If it came down to it, she would place herself across my lap and have me spank her until I could communicate the emotions that I was feeling and how we can get to a better place.



                                                   

 Harmony can be disrupted fairly easily, sometimes we don't take notice of the small things our partners do to enrich our lives and our families. Sometimes it seems as if our partners don't care, or like what is important to us isn't important to them and that can and does hurt. Nobody likes to have their thoughts or feelings marginalized and I think that puts the onus on the HoH to ensure that there is no shut-down, no loss of communication and no distances that can hurt the relationship in either the long or short-term.  Take the time to put your emphasis on getting to a shared place of comfort that  has the strength and conviction to move forward despite discomfort, hurt feelings and/or anger.... The relationship benefits and let's be honest, folks, there are way better things to be doing at the end of the day than fighting or not talking to each other... just sayin!

                                                     

                                                         

Her POV:

This has been my greatest challenge. Because of my life, it has always been safer to shut-down. If you let them see how you were affected, or that you were hurt or bothered, it only got worse. I was very good at stuffing things down. Daddy does not allow this...not in the very least. The first time, during a conversation about the necessity of communicating what I felt, he used the phrase - passive-aggressive.....just cut me to the very core. He's right...he always is (sighs....schnoots to Daddy ALWAYS being right!....jk). It is passive aggressive. I wasn't aware of it. My tone was clipped, my answers short. "Yes, Daddy" became an eyes down "yes" .... shudders. But those were just the motions of our dynamic, it was not authentic.

Then we got to a different place. I would communicate... not right away. Sometimes I needed that moment to stuff down that eye roll, or that sarcastic remark and think about how I really felt and filter my emotions. It got me spanked. Why? I didn't communicate that I needed a moment to process, that I wasn't distancing myself from him, from us, but that I was using a minute to work things out in the framework of our relationship and be able to bring it to him respectfully. So I got spanked. Then we talked. He apologized. And I said if I need that moment, how about if I saw, "Daddy, I need a minute to process, please." Then he knows I am not shutting down.

It works. It lets us both know that we are present for each other, and for our relationship. He can do this too... and he has, "Daddy needs a moment to sort this out, lovey. We'll talk about this later (or tonight)." This space gives us the opportunity to enumerate our points, make sure we understand what we need, and frame them in the best possible way to serve our relationship.

I will call him on it. In TTWD I am very much accountable to him. But he is also accountable to me, to our God, and to our family as the head of our home, Distancing is so damaging. There is nothing in the world wrong with holding him accountable....respectfully. I did it wrong in the beginning..."You know what would happen to me if I did what you're doing?" YIKES! But as soft hand on his shoulder, or his leg, or just curling up beside him and winding my fingers with his, a soft kiss and a,"Daddy, distance is against our rules. I think we need to talk about what's on your mind.", or yes, laying across his lap... sometimes both. If the air needs to be cleared, this is the mechanism we have established to do so. No, not correction, discipline, we all need it... it goes hand in hand with accountability.

And the bottom line - heck yeah, there are better things we can be doing :)