Perfectionism

This post comes from a conversation I had with Grace. She posed a question to me that really got me thinking, and became a very long answer that I said would make a great post....so I made it one :)
                                                         
I have a question for you.  I know that you (and Ward too, but we're talking about you right now) hold yourself to a high standard.  You have certain expectations of yourself and Ward has certain expectations of you.  What I'm wondering is, how do you avoid falling into the trap of perfectionism?  Because it doesn't seem like you struggle with that...or do you?




Oh gosh - this is a loaded question for me, lol. I do hold myself to a very high standard, because I feel that he and the boys deserve no less. I agree that perfectionism stems from insecurity and sometimes fear, I have been afraid all my life that my best efforts are not good enough, that I am not good enough. If you consider perfectionism as: Perfectionism, in psychology, is a personality disposition characterized by an individual striving for flawlessness and setting excessively high performance standards, accompanied by overly critical self-evaluations and concerns regarding others' evaluations. - then yes, I suffer from perfectionism BIG TIME! The one thing is I am always sure that I will never be able to attain perfection, because I am inherently imperfect, I try to accept that with humility. Daddy, bless him, says that perfection does not matter, but that I constantly put in effort to be more, do more, even if I don't succeed, I tried to give him my best.

 

I used to beat myself up over that quite a lot. I don't so much with Daddy, because he will not allow me to do so. Most of the time he is very patient, and I am learning from that to be more patient with myself. Honestly looking to examine if I truly did give the best of myself to the task. If I did, I try to accept that I did, and that I can try to do better next time. Sometimes I am less successful, and those are the times that land me otk - not correction, more like get-your-head-straight/stop-spinning/stress-relief kind of discipline.
 

I was talking to my therapist about it, and she said because of how ingrained that fear, and that need to be loved and accepted is, that it is something that may never go away. But she says she sees improvement with it since I'm with Ward. So how do I cope? Well, when I start feeling it, I ask myself if I did my best, if there was a way I could have done better, and then I offer it to him with my whole heart. He has never rejected anything I have given him. I try to see how it affects him and take that inside, seeing that it touches him and that the efforts are appreciated and treasured. It's a work in progress. I have never had the positive feedback I get from him. I try to realize that his reaction is kind of like his gift to me, as much as my actions to him, and realize that when I doubt myself it is the same as questioning his sincerity, so I try to accept his genuine gratitude with a heart as open as that with which he accepts my offerings to him.


HIS POV:  

 I must remain vigilant in the expression of my love and acceptance of June. More than that I recognize the heartfelt effort that June puts forth in all things... In our relationship, in being a wife and a mother, indeed in all things. I recognize that her upbringing was harsh, desolate, cold and void of acceptance. My love for her is unconditional just as I know that hers is for me.  Patience despite humanity is a gift that I long to bring June. Her heart needs it, and I know how much she struggles with this particular issue.

The truth is, I've learned so much from June and I owe her a debt of gratitude... She's very patient with me as well and she has taught me much about what a Father and Husband are all about.  She and the boys love me, and more than any amount of  fear or perfection (yes I can be a bit of a perfectionist) their love for me, in spite of the things I struggle with, speak volumes.

I am a blessed man to be able to give my all to a beautiful lady and two beautiful children who  allow me to make a mistake... I must have the mind process that we can all learn to accept our humanity just as much as learn from our mistakes.  Giving from a loving heart is also one of the things I strive to do every single day!




                                     

Commitment

                                                                  
                                                  
                                               

I want to talk about commitment.  It's a word that I fear that some would take too lightly.  Real commitment whether that is to a task, a job, or to others speaks volumes about one's character and leaves an impression that will not easily be forgotten. Commitment is also easier said than given, especially in a world that increasingly caters to the "easy" or  "instant gratification" crowd. Commitment tests our patience, our willingness to set aside our own ego, our own desires and reveals the true measure and depth of a person's character.  Some ten years or so ago, when I was a much younger man, I  put my hand on God's word and I took an oath... I made a big commitment at a time when perhaps I didn't understand what real commitment was about.

                                                                               

                                                                                                                  

Oh aye, the military definitely influenced the way I speak, the way I think, the way I behave (even now).  Suddenly a young man apart, far away from everything and everyone he ever knew was  thrust into a new and more expectant world that demanded results and expected performance.  Commitment meant not only following orders, and drastically altering my appearance, or getting up at 0-dark hundred, which occurs half an hour before 0-dark thirty.  It was a new lifestyle, a new role and a new ideology.

Then came stress... I can't and in some cases won't go into specifics, but suffice to say that I've been through some things that made me doubt my place in my life, my relationships prior to June, everything. Some time ago I had the fortune to be introduced to and learn so much from a very good friend, whose influence inspired my own personal take on DD/TTWD and the wisdom and growth that individuals and couples can experience. 

                                                                                                          

                                                   

With June, I have been committed from the beginning. Committed to my job as her Husband, her protector, her leader, her lover, her best friend. Being committed on these particular terms is a labor of love and a true conduit for the reciprocity that we present to each other daily. Even when it isn't easy or fun or one of us isn't at our best showing, and displaying the grace and direction of dedication, commitment inspires and causes us to appreciate each other and what we see as important to our relationship and to each other. Sometimes being committed means taking time to connect to June or the boys when I am dead tired or looking forward to something else... but if a HoH isn't dedicated to his family and their needs, what's the point?  I realize that sometimes being a good HoH for my darling and being a good example for our boys means showing them that commitment means

                                                

                                                                   

                                                    

- Being a provider

- Completing the tasks that you have been given, even and especially when we find them distasteful or difficult

- That when you start something, you finish it

-  A real man and a real woman don't fold up like a two-dollar lawn chair when things don't go their way or real life sneaks up on them

- Doing a job that you don't enjoy, is difficult or exhausting to provide your family with their needs and some of the stuff they want, is indeed honorable.

I also have to be a steady and sure example for June and more than just tell her, show her the kind of committed solidarity that neither of us had before each other... I show her by

- Listening
- Giving her my full and undivided attention
- Following through with what I say
- Granting her access to my mind and body even when I ache
- Doing my best for us and each other every single day.

Commitment and DD/TTWD go hand in hand and it is easy to see how any kind of relationship benefits and grows with the careful and thoughtful application of  consistency and commitment. When you are tired, when you are achy, when you just want a moment to yourself, take a second and think. Show your partner your best, even when they are at their worst... Commitment makes us and our stronger for the effort!




                                                 

Her POV:

I have long been dismayed by our disposable society. When things become  inconvenient we give them away, children, pets, the ill, the elderly. We shouldn't have to try harder, evaluate ourselves, extend ourselves, find a way through.This society teaches us to find our way around, to find our way out.

I have always poured all that I had into every relationship, from the very first. Beaten and broken I was offered a way out of the womb donor's house, and replied that I could not, she needed me. Relationship after relationship would find me unhappy, talking to my partner, not getting what I needed and resolving I would double my efforts, be more, do more, love harder.... had to be me, right? Partners out of work, me working four jobs seven days a week, working 16 - sometimes 20 hours a day to get us through. Them, bored, you're always working, you never have time, going out with friends, friends become lovers.When did any of that become okay? When did it become  okay to walkaway from your children because the new girlfriend is much more fascinating? Or stop having them over because the girlfriend treats them poorly.

I'm not perfect, never have been, never will be, never claimed to be, not even close. When I give you my word I will pour my blood, sweat and honest intent into upholding my commitment. When did commitment become an option? When I pledged to love and protect my children, I meant ... mean still, that I will protect them with my life. When I pledged myself and my love to Ward, I meant and reaffirm every day, in every single thought, word, and deed... that I will give him my all, my purest, fiercest, undying, ever-growing love, my deference, my obeisance, my support, my fullest effort, my devotion, the full measure of perfectly imperfect me ...when the sun is shining, when it's warm, when it's easy, and even when I'm tired, even when I am bone weary, even when my heart and mind, and body and soul ache.

This time around, though, it is returned, and that is warm, and comforting ... even on the hardest of days....it gives me strength... it elevates me and makes me better.

Once again, my love, I commit myself to you and to our family. I commit my heart, my mind, my body, my soul, my love and devotion, my obedience, my submission to you. It honors me that you accept. I love you.

Dirty Laundry

                                                   

 Sometimes we don't agree. Sometimes there is friction.  It would be easy to let the heat of the moment get to us and wind up saying a bunch of things that we would regret.  It is worth understanding that sometimes, it is far better to brake from heated conversation to let tongues and heads cool. If it's one thing that I've learned from being in the spanking lifestyle, the TTWD/DD lifestyle, the D/S lifestyle, whatever version you can think of or use,  losing one's cool during a stressful or difficult situation does not help things a bit and in fact only further adds to the difficulty of the conversation and adds an unsavory amount of negative emotion that then has to be dealt with.

                                                                                                       

                             

               

                                                        

 I have observed other couples who don't seem to care where they are or who their disagreement is heard or seen by. Indeed it seems like in some instances that they would have people choose or pick a side or pat their heads and offer them a lollipop in placation of who was or was not  "right"  Disagreeing with the one you love is never an easy thing, it disrupts the harmony that we long to build. It robs us of a truly independent view and expression of our feelings. Sometimes being honest means being humble and honest about what we truly desire. Sometimes we must truly realize that we must put pride aside and act in interest of our relationship.  Not our interests, not their interests, but the truest and best interest of our relationship - even when it's hard - even when we don't agree. I think there is something to be said for truly respecting our partner, even when we see them at their worst. Sometimes respect means understanding the source and cause of the friction that lies between you and keeping it just there... between you.

                                                 

My grandmother called it "airing dirty laundry" or a "lover's tiff" - whatever it is called it is wrong. Trying to make our partner look like "The Bad Guy" or trying to gain enablers and sympathy from outside parties is clearly the wrong thing to do at any point of a healthy relationship. If we are to grow and become strong we cannot balk at the challenge of productive debate. Sometimes tough decisions have to be made and in so doing we put our relationship in a better place.  Decisions aren't always easy and the HoH has to be able to live with any and all consequences that his decision(s)  create or solve. Naturally this isn't always easy. It's also hard to experience  the domestic harmony that we strive for when disagreements, hard feelings, and miscommunication mar the beauty of our love.


                                                       
                                  
We would encourage you to find a healthy way to express yourself in disagreement. What's easy isn't always what is right and what is needed may be something even different still! HoH's must remember that disagreements are going to happen and are a chance to become stronger through the inclusion of data and ideas. HoH's must also remember that disagreement and rebellion are two different things and that his TiH can still offer her support even when it isn't easy. TiH's should remember and recognize that her man is and must do his very best to make the right decisions and put the relationship on the truest, surest course.

Don't air your dirty laundry folks, take each other's hand and head to the laundry room with communication, love and understanding!



                                                              
                                                                     

Her POV:

One thing that I find hurtful is when people denigrate their partners and seem to find such joy in doing so. Remember the couple we talked about a while back in Walmart? *shudders* They were both lashing out so hurtfully at each other, and it gave a sad and painful picture of what their home must be like.

And again, all roads lead to communication. Why could they not have worked this out at home? Why did they strike out at each other with the deliberate aim to hurt each other? I think it's important here to point out that Daddy used the word disagreement, and that doesn't have to mean a knock down drag out, nor does it mean a lack of respect on either side.

When we value each other, when we respect each other, we don't have to hold the same views. It is possible to say - I respectfully disagree. It is possible to say - I think that's one area we will have to agree to disagree. Our love and mutual respect for each other allows us to accept that we differ, it does not compel him to force me to see his way, it doe snot compel me to withhold affection until he agrees. We gift each other with acceptance of our unique points of view.  We strengthen each other, and our relationship. And we present the harmony we create in our homes to the outside world.