Friday, July 19, 2013

That is me, I own that

https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn2/q71/1045246_616665435030868_995057528_n.jpg 

Something happened, something small and what would be innocuous, even enticing for most people, but because of my past, it immediately set me on my heels. I felt small and so confused. I am his. I love him like no other. I know he is safe, more than that he is MY safety. He would never hurt me. He owns me, there is nothing I should not be able to give him. I felt bad and sad and scared, and unsubmissive and like I was holding back, and mad at myself.

We talked about it and I asked forgiveness, and he said there was nothing to forgive, but in my heart, there was. I cried for two days. When I had therapy I spoke to my therapist about it. And in talking what I discovered was that I found it scary because I could not accept my own sexuality, my own appeal. I understand that from him, this was a compliment, this was him expressing his desire. That's not how I have ever experienced that before. Not as a child exposed to things no child should know, not ever as an adult. My prior partners made it quite plain that I was not beautiful, they were sexual with me simply out of their own physical need, not because it was me with whom they were seeking intimacy.

She said I was good at talking out of both sides of my mouth...what? She said that I speak of the level of trust that we have, but I don't trust his opinion of me....wow... She said she knows it is because of what I have heard all my life, what I have always been told, that it has become my truth. She said that we learn to believe what we hear. So now, when Daddy says something good about me, or anyone really, even if I don't believe it, I am to say "That is me, I own that." If my mind hears my mouth saying that, that will become my truth. so I'm trying.....and Daddy is helping. He says I am beautiful...That is me...I own that...

















 
HIS POV: 

Open arms and ears to listen, sometimes these are my greatest tools as a Husband and an HoH. June knows I would never intentionally do something to harm her or make her feel uncomfortable in any way. The traumas that we don't talk about, the traumas from childhood, the ones that still affect us... they are the hardest to handle and heal from. This situation taught me several things, namely that I  can give June my support when she is struggling, listen  and continue to show her that my desire for her, love, and intimacy are borne of a genuine desire to share something beautiful and pure with her and her alone. DD/TTWD can give us so much, but sometimes something as simple as unconditional love and support .




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44 comments:

  1. ConinaJuly 19, 2013 at 5:02 PM

    Oh, June, what a difficult thing! I'm proud of you for even agreeing. I'd be shaking my head, mouth agape in horror. It's only just gotten to where I don't hide my face as soon as my husband calls me beautiful - to have to ACCEPT and ACKNOWLEDGE it as my own personal truth? ack!

    ReplyDelete
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    1. JuneJuly 19, 2013 at 5:05 PM

      Thanks so much, Conina. It's one of the hardest things I've ever done in this lifestyle believe that or not... but he's right there to remind me and to help me believe it. It's hard to change 50 years of belief in a personal 'truth'.

      (((hugs)))

      Delete
    2. WardJuly 23, 2013 at 5:47 PM

      Hi Conina!

      It is a struggle for June for sure, but I think it's one of the most important things I can do as her man

      Delete
  2. abbyJuly 19, 2013 at 5:09 PM

    There is nothing simple about true and unconditional love....but it is the ultimate one can give. At times I still try to hide my face from Master..in a pillow or with my hands, I am going to borrow, if I may...it is me, I own that.
    hugs abby

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    1. JuneJuly 19, 2013 at 5:14 PM

      I hide my face, too, abby, he says "you don't have to hide from me, not even the tears" and he pulls me out of my hiding place and to him. I feel vulnerable and exposed... usually I get that flood of relief and of the safety of his arms.

      You may certainly borrow that. I will feel better being in good company :)

      (((hugs)))

      Delete
    2. WardJuly 23, 2013 at 5:48 PM

      Hello abby!

      True unconditional love is rare and beautiful, but how could I give her any less? When I have to poke and prod a little she knows the depth of my love for her.

      Delete
  3. toriJuly 19, 2013 at 5:27 PM

    June, i thought this was wanderful, and i think its very demonstrative throughout this blog how you both feel about each other.

    I can relate to this albeit in a different context...i havent had a 'healthy' view about sex (bad history with an ex) i hadnt thought i was good at it, i wasnt comfortable with my own body and when my Master would tell me im beautiful it would make me cringe, when he would tell me how much pleasure i gave him i figured he was just saying that to make me feel good...i couldnt believe it myself.

    Im past that (still have the odd insecurity) because i have to believe in him and us.

    x

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    1. JuneJuly 19, 2013 at 6:02 PM

      Thanks very much, tori :) It makes me cringe too, till I look in his eyes & I see that it is his truth, then it makes me speechless. Slowly it is getting easier to believe, after all the only opinion that really matters is his :)

      (((hugs)))

      Delete
    2. WardJuly 23, 2013 at 5:49 PM

      tori,

      I live for those moments that she describes... those moments where she realizes how much I love her. Those moments are truly precious!

      Delete
  4. elle :)July 19, 2013 at 6:46 PM

    I have never seen you, I know nothing about what you look like, but I KNOW you're a beautiful woman. I know it. It's how I picture you, I know the rest of Blogland agrees with me. I'm so sorry you've dealt with things you absolutely shouldn't have and I can completely understand how you could feel the way you do. Let it go. You're beautiful. And you're worth owning your beauty. :)
    Big hugs,
    Elle

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    1. JuneJuly 23, 2013 at 3:25 PM

      elle, you made me cry! Thank you for your very sweet comments. I am trying, he makes it easier. It's the doing it away from him I have to get under control. It's easy to sink into him :)

      (((hugs)))

      Delete
    2. WardJuly 23, 2013 at 5:50 PM

      Hello elle!

      June IS a beautiful woman inside and out, and her warmth and strength of character are more powerful than other people's negativity.

      Delete
  5. UnknownJuly 19, 2013 at 7:57 PM

    June,
    I know how you feel. I sometimes still struggle with this because of things I had to suffer through as a child. But I do know that having a great, loving man by your side, that loves you so much, helps you heal.
    Kim

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    1. JuneJuly 23, 2013 at 3:46 PM

      I'm sorry that you struggled as well, Kim. Sometimes I think people should have to pass a licensing test for parenthood :) It helps, and I am healing, the wounds are just deeper than I could have imagined. Thankfully, he is diligent. I'm glad you have one, too!

      (((hugs)))

      Delete
    2. WardJuly 23, 2013 at 5:51 PM

      It is a difficult thing to struggle, and we are sorry to hear that you struggled as well. It is however a blessing to have a loving partner to help you in this crazy life.

      Delete
  6. Renee RoseJuly 19, 2013 at 10:38 PM

    You are beautiful. so glad you're facing it full on...

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    1. JuneJuly 23, 2013 at 3:47 PM

      Thank you so much for your kindness Renee Rose. I'm trying, hand in hand with my Daddy :)

      (((hugs)))

      Delete
    2. WardJuly 23, 2013 at 5:52 PM

      Thank you for your lovely comment Renee Rose, She is giving it her best shot every day!

      Delete
  7. RozJuly 20, 2013 at 2:58 AM

    June,

    I too want to hide my face when Rick says these things to me. No, you can't be talking about me?

    I want to say amen to everything Elle said. I agree with her wholeheartedly. I admire you for taking this stance and look forward for you to the day it becomes your truth because you deserve it. You are beautiful.

    Hugs,
    Roz

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    1. JuneJuly 23, 2013 at 3:49 PM

      Oh gosh, Roz, sometimes all I want is a towel, a sheet, SOMETHING to hide behind. Daddy always peels it back and says no hiding from me, little one.

      Thank you for your kindness. I would like to be in that confident place. I'm getting there...tortoise pace, but hey, any progress is progress, right?

      (((hugs)))

      Delete
    2. WardJuly 23, 2013 at 5:53 PM

      Sometimes I have to look her in the eye... that's just how I am made, I like/need eye contact it helps me solidify my words and process hers... even in the most poignant moments, She can feel the love that I try to defuse.

      Delete
  8. AnonymousJuly 20, 2013 at 5:52 AM

    I have seen you and you are beautiful! You are one of the most beautiful people I have ever had the privilege to know, inside and out. You love, despite the past, with a love that is so true and so pure. I hope that as you begin to own the things that others see in you that they will become your new truth.

    Love you! And great big giant (((hugs)))
    p

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    1. JuneJuly 23, 2013 at 3:50 PM

      You hafta say that! You're my twin! Thanks :) I am working on making that my truth - with Daddy and you - sheesh, not much choice, lol

      (((hugs)))

      Delete
    2. WardJuly 23, 2013 at 5:54 PM

      Yes She is Beautiful! You are truly a great friend and a wonderful voice of friendship...thank you so much for such a sweet comment.

      Delete
  9. UnknownJuly 20, 2013 at 4:50 PM

    Hi, June. I think it takes an incredibly strong woman to be able to move from the past, and turn it all around into strength and to start believing in your own beauty. Those words are hard to believe for me too, but I am happy you are able to accept them and give into it even when it's tough. If that's not strength, I don't know what is.

    Hugs,
    Marie

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    1. JuneJuly 23, 2013 at 3:53 PM

      Thank you for your kind words, Marie. I have always looked on my strength (yes I have acknowledged it!) as grim determination.....and I guess that was my way to be self-deprecating about it. But I acknowledge that if I was not possessed of strength I would not be here. And I'm glad I am, or I would not have been blessed with these beautiful children and my wonderful Daddy.

      (((hugs)))

      Delete
    2. WardJuly 23, 2013 at 5:56 PM

      Hello Marie! Thank you for your kind words. June is truly one of the strongest women that I have ever known and I find everything about her to be inspiring. I try to be strong too so that she doesn't always have to.

      Delete
  10. CatJuly 20, 2013 at 10:51 PM

    Hey June...Three cheers for your therapist...I do believe a like that lady! ;) You are definitely a lovely lady and I am very happy you have Ward to help you see that. The past can come bite you in the tush when you least expect it. :(

    Please go read the first jpg on my "Today" post...couldn't have picked a better one for you if I had visited here before I posted!

    Sending lots of healing energy your way.

    Hugs and Blessings,
    Cat

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    1. JuneJuly 23, 2013 at 4:10 PM

      Oh, Cat, she made me mad! Then I had to tell Daddy....cause well I tell him everything and cause ..... he's Daddy. He sat there with a self-satisfied look and said - sound familiar? See? - grrrrr, lol.

      Awww thank you. I am an empath. Apathy drives me insane. Thanks for the love, sending some back to you!

      (((hugs)))

      Delete
    2. WardJuly 23, 2013 at 5:58 PM

      Hi Cat!

      I think that June's therapist has been a very helpful and healthy thing for June. That being said, June doesn't always like what her therapist has to say, but then again, clarity, and a desire to change aren't always easy. Thanks again!

      Delete
  11. Minielle LabraunJuly 21, 2013 at 3:17 AM

    Wonderful post June. I know it is hard but I agree with owning it when you are given those lovely sentiments of love. They say to keep saying the words, and accepting what others tell you as truth. Eventually we will internalize it and believe.

    I need to try and do this as well. Recently a friend said each time you put yourself down you need to place a dollar in a jar....I think she was pointing out how often I do that.

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    1. JuneJuly 23, 2013 at 4:12 PM

      I'd need a second job just to keep up with the jar, Minelle, lol.

      Thanks very much. It is difficult, but it's Daddy's new mission - sigh- That was her idea when she told me, the more I hear myself saying it, even if I do not believe it, I will come to accept and believe it. I'm trying!

      (((hugs)))

      Delete
    2. WardJuly 23, 2013 at 6:00 PM

      Thank you Minelle!


      It's my job to help change some of those old negative habits and to help her internalize a positive, healthy mindset about herself. It isn't always easy, but I think I have helped her a lot! There may be something to the dollar in a jar theory...hmmmm

      Delete
  12. Anastasia VitskyJuly 21, 2013 at 7:28 PM

    Such beautiful words, thoughts, and sentiments. Blessings to you.

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    1. JuneJuly 23, 2013 at 4:20 PM

      Thanks for your kindness, Ana. Blessings to you as well :)

      (((hugs)))

      Delete
    2. WardJuly 23, 2013 at 6:00 PM

      Many blessings to you and yours ana!

      Delete
  13. DonnaJuly 22, 2013 at 7:37 AM

    This comment has been removed by the author.

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    1. JuneJuly 23, 2013 at 3:59 PM

      Thank you for your comment, Donna, and your understanding. I sent you an email.

      (((hugs)))

      Delete
  14. maryanneJuly 22, 2013 at 12:39 PM

    oh june, it is so difficult to overcome our past hurts and i am sorry you're hurting. this was a sweet post. hope you're doing better...
    hugs,
    m.

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    1. JuneJuly 23, 2013 at 4:21 PM

      Thanks so much, maryanne. It came out of the blue, that kind of scares me. I am doing much, much better. It is a process, though. I will remember to be kind to myself if something else comes back, and Daddy will make sure I do :)

      (((hugs)))

      Delete
    2. WardJuly 23, 2013 at 6:02 PM

      Thank you maryanne,

      Being stronger than the negativity of the past is a difficult thing and a monumental task, but thankfully I get the honor and privileged of being the man that helps her every step of the way.

      Delete
  15. Belle LJuly 23, 2013 at 2:55 AM

    I'm sorry that your past is hurtful, but I'm so glad that you have a husband that is understanding, loving, and willing to help you and love you. God bless you and yours, Belle L.

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    1. JuneJuly 23, 2013 at 4:23 PM

      Thanks so much, Belle. I have tried hard to make myself numb to it, just to get through it. The fact that it is coming back unannounced and unexpected is a bit disconcerting. But I could have no one better at my side to help me through. I have never been loved this richly. God Bless you and your family as well!

      (((hugs)))

      Delete
    2. WardJuly 23, 2013 at 6:02 PM

      Thank you Belle, I try my hardest to give her the understanding, love and affection that she has needed for so long!

      Delete

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