Stormy wrote a wonderful, insightful post yesterday Go The Distance. She and I have talked about distancing before here on blogland. We both have rules against distancing. We both struggle with it.
Stormy wrote:
"He says Distancing is Dangerous. He says its Disobedient. He says its Defiant. He says its Deceptive.
Eeeeeek! Stop, you're freaking me out now, Dude."
Dang, yes, please, stop - you're freaking me out too - that's every single basic rule we have.....but Ogre's right - sigh.
"What does distancing look like to a man? It looks like distrust. I was staggered a bit when this thought hit me suddenly. WOW. So I am telling him that I don't trust him?"
I was staggered, too. That's what it is. Oh my goodness. My response to Stormy was:
Wow, Stormy, I never thought of it from Ward's POV,and I don't think we've ever really talked about it specifically beyond the fact that distancing is damaging and has no place in our relationship.
I got warned about distancing last week, and still I thought it was about wanting to know what I am thinking so that he can help - which it is - but I don't think I ever realized that it meant I was withholding my trust. But that's exactly what it is, isn't it?
We all know the saying that our actions speak louder than words. I tell him all the time that I love him and I trust him - and I do, more than I ever have another person. But if I distance, when push comes to shove, I prove that I don't.
That's a powerful insight. I think Ward and I need to talk that out....and I think I owe him an apology. Thank you, Stormy.
Daddy had called from work, and we spoke in the few brief moments about the post and I asked if we could discuss it last night. He said of course.
When Daddy got home he took my hand and whispered in my ear that it was time for a spanking. It was firmer than usual and none of the lovely little breaks to rub, and I thought it was stress relief for Daddy. Then he finally did pause and he whispered "I won't let you drift away, little one." And at his words I pulled back into focus, "Was I drifting, Daddy?" He rubbed, "The last day you were, a little." And tears came because I didn't know I was. I should have felt it and I didn't. He soothed and said he didn't expect me to be perfect, but he wouldn't fail me. And then he said it was time to finish up and he did, and then took me in his arms. Some lovely things followed that come with reconnection (not correction, thankfully, he pulled me back before I got too far away - just discipline) and it was lovely and sweet. 
Then the evening chores presented themselves, laundry to fold, homework and dinner to make, baths for the boys, bedtime, and finally, our time. We cuddled up and talked about the things in Stormy's post that had struck me - hard. I said that I hadn't even felt that I was distancing, how in the world do I stop something of which I'm unaware? Daddy gave me a forehead kiss (those are yummy!) and said that's what he's there for. But I don't like feeling like I do things I don't understand. He said not to think so much (that should be HIS mantra - I know I think things to death). And he asked me how it felt.
Wow...how does it feel? Well I feel small and scared....maybe despairing....insignificant.... and totally irrational. I didn't think to ask, but Daddy probably knows - the times I have distanced seem to coincide with absence - he went back to work - it's not 9-5. They can call at any time, any day he could come home and have a 4 or 5 day mission - blech. And let's not even talk about deployment. When we were talking on the phone, when he felt more distance, he had just sent me an email that he had to work late...on the first day back. It's not anything over which he has control. It's distressing nonetheless, and irrational because we're both at the mercy of the forces that be there.
All of that sounds whiny, and weak, and because of that I resist it. I'm his little girl, but I'm his woman, too, I'm supposed to be his partner, his helpmate. How bloody annoying is it to have a whiny helpmate? So I stuff it down instead of sharing how very much I miss him, how very much I need him, how essential he is to my existence. And in rebelling against that weak and whiny voice - am I also rebelling against him? You know, guys, this is just getting worse and worse and worse. Sometimes I hate blogging... because I have to write it out and ruminate, and think, and figure it out, and see it and - oh please no - accept it so I can fix it...I don't know if I can fix it - it happens outside of my conscious mind - it's an undercurrent - probably because that is how I've coped most of my life.....okay, yes - my life before Ward - sigh.....For Daddy's part, my sweet Daddy-love said I am a priority, this family is a priority, as well as his duties as it's head. I am very lucky, and sometimes I don't feel that I serve him as well as I wish to. So I guess it's a good thing that we do TTWD, so that I don't have to feel that way for long. Daddy's lap is a magic place, and his love is my miracle.
HIS POV:
June is my life, my strength, my inspiration, our family is a priority, not an option and it is my honor and privilege as well as my greatest accomplishment. Sometimes life gets to her, to us and it is my work to ensure that our home as well as all in it are well cared for. It is a pleasure to listen and to help, it is an honor to give guidance and clarity and it is a true labor of love to build a loving home for such a lovely, genuine person. I am humbled to share a life with this lady, and even though our thoughts aren't always soft, quiet, easy ones I am glad I can be her strength and comfort.
When she begins to put distance between us, I feel disquieted and it alerts me to her needs, and the needs of our relationship. I don't allow distancing for a lot of reasons, the biggest of which is the health of our relationship. I think through vigilance and constant positive reinforcement we can both provide the stability and comfort that we both need and crave.
oh you know, when i feel sad and lonely and physically far away from BIKSS is when i shut down and distance myself too. this post is very meaningful for a lot of us i think... we're all quite guilty of this particular D crime.
ReplyDeleteand you're right. it is probably WORSE for our men that we pull away. and in trying not to appear weak and needy we create a wall. I shall have to remember this more often. I don't know why i don't run to him... he hasn't let me down ever when I have.
time to retrain the brain i suppose.
Oh, Fondles, yes, retraining the brain is called for - and so very hard. And I don't know why, I have gladly eschewed so many other trappings of my former self and find it so hard to be vulnerable in that manner. I don't fear vulnerability, I - we - make ourselves extraordinarily vulnerable to our partners everyday. I don't think of the feelings that surround distancing as not wanting to be vulnerable, I see it as not wanting to be a burden - at least that's what I tell myself. Daddy doesn't see it that way, that's harder....and probably where the distrust comes in - ugh - not distrust of him - distrust of all who came before him. And that is not fair to him, and comes out expressed as distrust of him. Blech...told you I hate blogging some days...with it comes insight - sigh
DeleteI'm glad to read this, it helps me to see how others think and how this manifests itself, but you didn't have to link me :) Thanks for doing that, and for providing more clarification.
ReplyDeleteYou don't want to see what I did after I wrote that post...arrrrgh. Ok, that's my next post. LOL.
Your blog has a way of making me feel like life is sweet, true love and connection exists outside our own door. I'm glad to read it.
Aww, thanks, Stormy, that's so sweet of you to say. It is sweet and he is my dear true love.
DeleteI did have to link, silly, to let everyone know where the thought came from. We talked about that, too - that I find clarification from reading others' blogs. That's what reading yours did for me, lol. Which is why I linked back - your post was a talking point for us - and integral to my starting a deeper examination - which I sometimes hate - cause it's painful and I don't just mean to my bottom-line >.< I mean emotionally.
Examining our failings never are, but it helps us grow, and that's the point. And that's another thing I love about this community we share. We help each other learn and grow & evolve. Your post was like a bop on the head - I wish you could have seen my face when I read it - you know those moments when everything stops, including your breath, everything seems to crystallize, the very air around you, dust motes suspended in perfectly glittery elevation, your thoughts - then that moment when you grasp the concept with a sigh and the world starts turning again on the axis of new understanding.
*big sigh* Well, this post really hits home for me. I used to tell Michael everything, there never used to be any distance between us. Then our life circumstances got busier, more hectic, more stressful and we were apart a lot more. The physical distance between us along with the circumstances we were going through lead to emotional distance between us and we lived that way for many years. In the past year we've been trying to change things with the help of ttwd, and emotional distancing is now a no-no. But, old habits die hard and like you, I don't always realize I'm distancing. I'm going to share this post with Michael and come back and reread it myself. Thanks for opening up about this and sharing it as it's something I struggle with as well and I could really see myself in different places in this post and that was eye opening.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Grace. That's the hardest thing for me, that I don't realize I'm doing it, not till he tells me. I didn't realize it last week, and I didn't realize it yesterday. Maybe the clue is when my brain starts spinning I should run a self check, or ask Ward. When I find myself shrugging and saying, "Oh well, it's not important", or "It doesn't matter anyway."
DeleteThe more I examine it, the more I think it is something so deeply ingrained, as a coping mechanism that kept me from getting hurt, that I don't even acknowledge it as something out of the ordinary. Ward is out of the ordinary - he is extraordinary. And it takes a while to find the roots of a deeply rooted issue and extricate it. But I think we have to find where it lives first. Maybe I'm getting to where the pesky little critter is harboring itself....hope so. Hope you find yours, too :)
As much as I may sometimes be shaken by the self-honesty that blogging sometimes requires, the self-discovery and growth is good. I also enjoy the sense of community, the hands and help and encouragement. And I think we all help each other to grow a little bit over time. We may all have come from different places, some of us share common experiences, and our paths are all different, but this community has gifted me with many sisters. And I'm grateful for each of you
I am married to a cave man. If he gets upset that I am distancing he pulls my hair and drags me back to him...seriously. I like your more subtle ways!
ReplyDeleteTakes work - on both sides, movingon.
Deleteor a big club @ June. :)
DeleteYes, there are many of us out there that struggle with the big D. I still do but not as much. It's crazy because when we first started this I thought there was no way on gods green earth that spanking for distancing would work. I thought it would actually push me in the other direction. With time we learned it would work....sometimes I had to be spanked longer than others for it to sink in but low and behold it did work. Eventually something even better happened...he told me how it made him feel and I took it to heart and now sometimes we can fix it with a talk, sometimes we can't and I find myself in that same old spot but its progress. Thanks June for bringing this up, I needed the reminder and I think you may have just saved me a trip over the knee.
ReplyDeleteIt does seem counter-intuitive, doesn't it, dancingbarez? But it closes the gap in short order. For me, it's that feeling of fading out of importance - I did say it was irrational, remember? :) But the fact that he cares enough to pull me back - says 'this is how much I love you' lets those irrational feelings poof back to the ether where they belong.
DeleteI think an important thing happens here, in blogland. When we're weighted, we write. We have to consider things as we try to get them on 'paper'. Others share their experience and we begin to get a clearer view of our own triggers, and we learn strategies to identify when we start doing those damaging things. Or we figure out a way to initiate the communication that is the basis of our relationships.
You're very welcome, and I hope it did!