Just me

Those who know me well hear me say that phrase quite often.  I'm just me.I say it to friends, I say it to Ward. I say it when I am uncomfortable with praise or gratitude. I've never quite experienced them before.

I am just who I am - just me. I do what I see, what I feel needs to be done. I have a highly defined moral imperative. Maybe because I have seen and experienced a lot of suffering. If I can do something to ease the way for someone, I must. That's how I'm made. I can't turn a blind eye. But I don't think that's especially noteworthy. It doesn't take an effort. I don't have to think about it. It's just there. It would be uncomfortable for me not to help. I don't see that as especially special. I don't see me as especially special.

I frankly see myself with lots and lots of flaws (I'm all brave now, you see, because Daddy is not here). Ward has said from the very beginning that I was quite uncommon. What I heard of course, was 

Aren't you an odd little thing?

Ward takes great issue with that view. That's why one of my rules is 'no self-deprecation'. And he has decided that one of his missions is to allow me to see myself through his eyes. He said before he left (and in letters since) that he knows I have a hard time seeing it, but when he gets back he is going to show me every day how special and beautiful I am. I think that's a tall order. 

I do feel a shift, ever so slight. I don't feel special, but I feel....okay. I feel his influence. I hear his voice, even when he's not here. It's not something that may ever change completely. And it won't change in a thunderbolt. It's more like I am sand, and Ward is the sea. He gently and patiently and diligently, works, strokes, shapes my perceptions. 

 (the diligently working man is Ward!)

                                                                          

 I will never be the person who says 'I am fabulous!'. But I am maybe gaining some small measure of appreciation for perfectly imperfect just me

All give some, some give all

Dragon's Rose posted a beautiful story about being a military wife and that included a picture that said - Happy Memorial Day - just in case you thought it was National Barbecue Day.

Even if you don't agree with the reasons that we go to the places this country goes, or the why of it, remember that we are served by honorable men and women who believe with all their hearts in what they are doing, and believe with all their hearts that their actions protect you and I. They give their time, their blood, sweat, tears. Their sacrifice is great. They sacrifice time with their families, they sacrifice the things you and I take for granted. Sometimes they sacrifice their minds and their souls and a lifetime of the peace we take for granted. Sometimes, they give their lives.

The numbers are staggering. Thank a service person for their service. Remember those who have fallen and those missing still:

World War I
Total service members: 4,734,991
Total casualties: 116,516
Non-mortal wounded: 204,002
Living veterans: less than 25

World War II
Total service Members: 16,112,566
Total casualties: 404,993
Non-mortal wounded: 671,846
POW/MIA: 79,000+
Living veterans: 3,242,000

Korean War
Total service members: 5,720,000
Total casualties: 54,246
Non-mortal wounded: 103,284
POW/MIA: 7,500+
Living veterans: 3,086,4000

Vietnam War
Total service members: 8,744,000
Total casualties: 90,269
Non-mortal wounded: 153,303
POW/MIA: 1,700
Living veterans: 7, 286,500

Gulf War
Total service members: 2,225,000
Total casualties: 2094
Non-mortal wounded: 467
POW/MIA: 6
Living veterans:  1,852,000

Global War on Terror (includes those serving in Afghanistan and Iraq)
Total service members: 1,249,367
Total casualties: 6,018
Non-mortal wounded: 43,399
POW/MIA: 126

In honor of:
Major JJF, Jr. - 8-11-68 in Thua Thien, Vietnam - US Army Special Forces- served 12 years at time of death
Lt. Cdr PLW - 4-26-78 in North Vietnam - US Navy Fixed wing pilot - served 12 years at time of death
My Ward - US Navy Silent Service - 9 years, currently deployed

All US Military personnel past and present. Thank you for your service.

Psychological explanation for TTWD??

Here is something you didn't know about me. I go to school. When my then husband left my children and I for a girl half our age, I was shocked to say the least. I had planned on going back to school when my youngest was in school for midwifery or psychology. When he left, I wanted to remain available for my youngest as I was for my oldest, and thought that I could not do either and still be available for the boys. So I decided on computer information systems - what the fluff was that about?

It seemed the wise thing at the time. No clinicals, study from home, work and school both online, the boys don't suffer. At first it was not so bad. But gradually, I felt like I was beating my head against the wall. I disliked the business classes. I disliked the corporate environment. And after a while coding, instead of being fun - look what I can make the computer do,

became oh my God, it's eating my brain! It was like sitting in a room alone all day doing calculus - blech!

                                                    

It was absolutely soul-sucking.

I talked to Ward about it, and as supportive as ever, he told me to do what was going to make me happiest, even if it meant 'losing' time in obtaining my degree. And, happily as it turned out, I actually will be done one semester sooner, all of my CIS credits filled all my free electives. All I have to take are my core classes and in 14 months I'll have my BA in Child and Early Development. You can't do clinical work with a BA, but there is an agency in town which does crisis interventions in schools, and places at risk children with a counselor available through the school day. I will go to work with them as I pursue my Masters to do clinical work.

I have Ethics and Intro to Psych this session and I am carrying an A in both classes. I feel engaged, excited and invested. This week in psych we are studying emotion, stress and personality. And as I was doing some reading for class today I had this light bulb moment. Something I read equated so incredibly with TTWD that I had to share it. I know I'm not the only one that wonders why TTWD is a very real need for some of us.

Many of us have said we don't know why the spanking makes us feel better, it just does. I read the following passage and the note I made in my book was this: DD has health benefits! The passage reads:

     James Pennebaker and his colleagues  have conducted many correlational  and experimental         studies that demonstrate the advantages to our mental and physical health of opening up versus suppressing our feelings. This research team has found that simply talking about or writing about our emotions or our reactions to negative events [negative thoughts from our past and actions based upon our fears & doubts are what leads most of us otk] provides substantial health benefits. For instance Pennebaker and Beall randomly assigned students to write about either the most traumatic and stressful events of their lives or trivial topics. Although the students who wrote about the traumas had higher blood pressure and more negative moods immediately after they wrote their essays, they were also less likely to visit the student health center for illness during the following six months.

And a subsequent passage:
     Daily writing about one's emotional states has been found to increase immune system functioning.

WOW! So that means that those of us who are in DD relationships, where we communicate often and better, are open about our negative thoughts and feelings and also blog - are a pretty darn healthy bunch, emotionally and physically and have killer immune systems. Hmmmm, ya think we could advocate DD for it's health benefits ?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DADDY!

Would everyone please join me in wishing Ward a very Happy Birthday!

I certainly wish that he was here to enjoy his birthday presents (some toys from cane-iac), and I make everyone a cake on their birthday, with a favorite character on it. I asked Daddy what he wanted on his cake and he said he wanted:

He should be here with me and the boys, but he is here:

I send him, in his daily letters the best posts of blogland, so he can stay connected. So if you will be so kind as to wish him Happy Birthday, I'll print it out for him.

Thanks!

The Pledge (Erotica)

The truth is
when I look at you
something changes in me.

Something I thought I had lost,
something I thought
 I would never find
appears in front of me
warm and writhing from my attention.

The prized gift
of love and submission
fills me
with the kind of pride
that some people
can only dream
and search a lifetime for.

The sweet softness of your skin,
the taste of your lips
and the warmth
that springs from you
inspire me to be more,

And this more
is what I long to give you.
I can only do my best,
and to that
I pledge myself to you
I love you...

Ward ~ 12-2011
**************************
Ward wrote this one for me, how lovely is that?

Transcendent

I was talking to a friend who is new to DD. She said I shine. She says Ward and I shine as a couple. It's not the first time that I've been told this. She tells me that when I speak about Ward, everything about me changes, my voice, my face, my mood. That's not the first I've heard that either. Even my kids see it. So in listening to my friend, the word transcendence came to mind. I know that Ward shines. He shines so brightly that he warms me, chases my fears and lifts the darkness from my heart.

I see it in other couples. I see it in the way the women talk of their men, and their lives and their loves. I hear it in Monster's Nightmare's posts, and our conversations, and when Monster talks about her. I hear it in Stormy's posts. I hear it in Christina's, and faerie's, and C's, and Jacquie's. I see it all over this wonderful community.

I began to look for the ways that we achieve that which others claim to aspire to. What do we do that is different from the rest of the world?

No, I'm not saying we're perfect. I, myself, am perfectly imperfect. What I am saying is that we give each other those very small and painless things, respect, love and forgiveness. They cost nothing, nothing more than the surrender of our false pride. And they make us rich and strong. They make us transcendent. We transcend ego as a result of love, service, non-egoic discipline, and undivided attention for another.

Absolutely, it is important to take care of, to nurture each other and our relationships. That entity that is created when two people come together is transcendent. It exists above this world and guides all our interactions both in the world and in our families. It is what carries us through the years, and it is from it that we draw our strength.

I am proud of my man. I am proud of the person that I am becoming. I am proud to be part of this community of extraordinary people who create light and positive energy so bright within their families that it spills over and blesses every one of us. We are transcendent.

Beautiful Sentiment

I found this poem on Dauntless Arousal, and had to share, it is absolutely exquisite.

daddyssweetslave:
i-will-call-you-sir:
I am submissive; that does not mean I am not strong or that I cannot speak for myself. It does not mean that I have poor self-esteem. It does not mean that I wish to be slapped in the face, on the breasts or between my legs. I don’t want to be spit on or urinated on. I want to be treasured. I want to be beautiful in your eyes. That does not mean I don’t like it rough sometimes and don’t doubt you will hear me scream your name. I am hungry for you. It’s just that I want to be there for you when you are down and there when you are happy. I want to make your sexual fantasies a reality. I want you to be able to look in my eyes and know that I am yours.
I am submissive, yes, and soft in all the right ways. Love me, cherish me and give me your heart; I will guard it with my life.

Examining Submission Journaling Exercise - Day 30

Is your need to submit being met? If not, or if your situation changed, do you think that you could continue in your life and still be happy/content if you were never able to express your submission in the way that feels best to you again? What makes submission special to you?

For the first time in my life my need to submit is being met beyond my wildest dreams. It is the most fulfilling, uplifting, feminizing feeling to be able to give him my submission and have it received with awe and gratitude. Then I want to give more and he gives more and it is this absolutely gorgeous, growing cycle of symbiosis.

Nothing will come between Ward and myself. We are too committed. Could I be happy without being able to submit? No. I find incredible fulfillment being Daddy's girl. I have honestly never in my life been as happy, as fulfilled, laughed as much or with as much abandon as I do with Daddy.

What makes submission special to me is having my submission accepted, and seen as the gift that it is, by a man of honor, with a strong gift for leadership, gentleness, kindness, compassion, empathy, and vision.

The Conversation With Amanda DeCadenet

Has anyone seen this show yet? The Conversation with Amanda DeCadenet shows on Lifetime Thursdays at 10PM. If you've seen it are you as offended by it as I am? The show is interviews with various successful women from various facets of celebrity, designers, performers, politicians. And it seems that every single woman talks about how terrible it is to be submissive. How you don't need men and family to be fulfilled. How you have to be 10 feet tall and bulletproof, and never need to lean on anyone. Be independent, RAWR!

Blech... nothing wrong with any of that, but there are other sides to the coin. And it is not the only way to be fulfilled. Funnily enough, the only woman who alluded to being submissive, was Lady Gaga! She said that she has to be in charge all the time and it is tiring. So she wants nothing more than someone else to be in charge when she is 'off'.

Examining Submission Journaling Exercise - Day 29

Is pain or humiliation (spankings for example) a part of your submission? What is your relationship to it? Do you embrace it as a part of your submission, tolerate it as necessary or have some other type of relationship with it?

Humiliation has no part in my submission. I spent the major part of my life being humiliated. Again, my disclaimer - I acknowledge that some people are served by humiliation. I do not condemn those who are. Humiliation in no way shape of form serves me, and thankfully not Ward either.

I came to Ward broken. Thank the creator that he saw something of value in my tattered heart. Ward lifts me up. He exhibits positive leadership. There is never a 'that will never do' tone, there is always a 'I know that you can do better' tone. He makes me want to be the absolute best person in the entire world. He makes me want to make him proud. I want him to see me with him, and out in the world representing his leadership and glow with pride. I want the people who know Ward to see me and think, 'Ward has a good woman' and have him be able to be lifted by that. I enjoy elevating him in the eyes of others. He is an exceptional man.

Spankings, yes are an integral part of my submission. I've said may times, we use them for many different things. They are a way for me to both express and feel my submission in a very immediate, tangible way. They can melt away the stress of the day. They can left me feel small and safe. They can calm and soothe in a way that nothing else does. I like the little jump of butterflies when you know that you are going to get a spanking. I want that feeling that comes with laying myself across his lap. And I love even better being pulled into his arms after.

Examining Submission Journaling Exercise - Day 28

Has your submission ever let you down? Have you ever been criticized for your submission? Have you ever regretted being or feeling submissive in a moment or in a relationship? Have you ever looked back and realized you made a mistake and how did you handle your submission going forward from that?

My submission has not let me down. It is the core of who I am. People have let me down. People who take advantage of my submissive nature, and believe that I am bottomless and do not need to be replenished.  In those cases, I will back off of my generally pliant self, and can become quite bristly.

Have I ever been criticized for my submission. Yes. Not by anyone in the lifestyle, by a friend that thinks I am giving up more than I receive. She doesn't understand the incredible amount of reciprocity that exists here. She doesn't see the potential for peace in submission. She feels that I am being subjugated and that Ward is a brute. Daddy says some people are not meant to understand. So that takes some of the edge off.

Examining Submission Journaling Exercise - Day 27

Do you have submissive desires or fantasies that you have yet to be able to explore? Do some of your desires confuse or frighten you? Do they excite you?

 I'm not sure I entirely understand 'submissive desires'. I guess that would apply more to a bedroom submissive kind of dynamic. As I said, I hate labels, but if I had to label us, the closest would be DD with somewhat of a biblical model of submission. I an not submissive to Ward in some matters, or situations. I am submissive to Ward all the time. I defer to his leadership. My only submissive desire as I understand it, is to give the gift of my surrender to Ward, and to serve him, and to have my submission received and treasured.

Fantasies? I have never trusted anyone enough to play with rope, and bondage. I would like very much to try that with Ward. This is not because I have ever fancied rope - it has always terrified me. I trust Ward implicitly enough to offer him that fear. And frankly, the idea of being totally at Ward's mercy, knowing that he would never in a million years harm me is incredibly exciting.

Whatever you do in life

Whatever you do in life will be
insignificant but it is very
important that you do it because...
You can't know...
You can't ever really know the
meaning of your life...
And you don't need to...
Just know that your life has a meaning...
Every life has a meaning... whether
it lasts one hundred years or one
hundred seconds...
Every life... And every death... changes the
world in its own way...
Ghandi knew this. He knew his life
would mean something to someone,
somewhere, somehow. And he knew
with as much certainty that he
could never know that meaning...
He understood that enjoying life
should be of much greater concern
then understanding it.
And so do I.
You can't know...
So don't take it for granted...
But don't take it too seriously...
*Don't postpone what you want...
*Don't leave anything misunderstood...
*Make sure the people you care about know...
*Make sure they know how you really feel...
Because just like that...
IT COULD END

- Tyler Hawkins - REMEMBER ME
***********************************
I love this ending monologue from the movie Remember Me. Very sage advice.

Examining Submission Journaling Exercise - Day 26

What are the qualities you seek in a dominant partner and why? Are some qualities deal-breakers as in “must” haves or “must not” have?

Quiet command, sincerity, honesty, trustworthiness, dependability, wisdom, kind, compassionate, empathetic, reasonable, courteous, honorable, appreciative, self-disciplined, courageous, generous of heart & spirit, constructive, tenderness, respectability, gracious, romantic, humility, confidence, consistent, sense of humor. In a word - Ward. He is all this and more.

They are all pretty much deal-breakers. If my partner does not possess self-control how can he lead me? If I cannot respect him, how can he lead me? If he cannot value himself, how can he value me? If he cannot value me, how can I follow him? If he does not inspire trust and confidence, how can I follow him?

For me personally, Ward has said that I have qualities of submission that he has not seen. But the way I see it, the way I feel it, I respond to the incredibly positive Dominant qualities he possesses. If he were a lesser man, my submission would not be as complete. If his manner was that of a  blustery, chest-thumping 'dominant', I would respond with barbs and bristles - well we would not even be Ward and June. I do not respond well to an abrasive manner.

Examining Submission Journaling Exercise - Day 25

Are there items, objects or rituals that represent or help you express submission? If not, have you ever thought of adding or being gifted one? Is there a special significance to these objects or rituals?

No, items, objects and rituals kind of speak to steeping into and out of a role. Submission is not what I do, I am submissive to Daddy, 24/7. I need nothing more than his presence in my life to want to submit to him. Even now with him deployed, I am focused on conducting myself in a manner that would be pleasing to him and lifts him up. When people look at me they should be able to envision the good man to whom I belong.

How do you know that you're submitting to the right person?

My friend movingon has posed a question to the last journaling exercise that I feel needs input from across this wise community. So ladies, please weigh in, and any of the gentlemen, it would be lovely to have your perspective as well.

She asked - "How do you know you are submitting to the right person?"  A little background to help you. She and her husband have been married 14 years, and were at a point of dissolution of the marriage. She introduced the idea of DD as a way to pull them back. (I know a few of you can identify with that). They are struggling.

Now as an outsider, I can see that efforts are being made on both sides. And there are many positive signs, and small good changes. But in the midst of struggle, oftentimes things look darker than they are. And she often feels 1 step forward 3 steps back.

She knows, we talk all the time, my reasons for submitting to Ward, and why I know that he is the person who earns my submission. And a lot of them have been stated on our blog. And admittedly, Ward & I have had a pretty easy time, because we entered our relationship like this, it's not something we had to change after a period of another style of interaction. The hardest things we've had to face are my insecurities and these horrible separations.

I thought it might help if she got other viewpoints. So please, everyone, lend her your wisdom.

Thanks,
June

Examining Submission Journaling Exercise - Day 24

What are the emotions that most directly let you access submission? What feelings do they inspire?

Trust, respect, love, joy, happiness, kindness, pride, closeness, passion, pleasure, patience, relaxation, togetherness, appreciation, balance, calm, compassion, empathy, fairness, gratitude, harmony, secure, peace.

Like most of our relationship, they are amoebic and organic. Each engenders the other. They are interdependent. None of the emotions are strictly the domain of one or the other of us, they are mutual. I am as proud of him as he is of me. He trusts me as profoundly as I trust him.

In a nutshell they all come together to inspire devotion.

Examining Submission Journaling Exercise - Day 23

Is there anything about submission (yours or what you see in others) that you question, dislike or repels you? Was there a time you questioned or were resistant to your own submissive feelings?

I won't answer to whether there are things in the submission of others that I question, dislike or find repellent.  This is because I believe that we are all served by different things. What serves me does not necessarily serve others, and what serves them does not necessarily serve me. It is not my place to question anyone else's submission. It is my job to be the best me that I can be, to be true to myself and to my Daddy.

Are there things that would not work for me? Certainly, and most of them revolve around humiliation. And that is because of my childhood. But I acknowledge that that particular dynamic does work for some. From a strictly play point of view, we're pretty tame, little rope, lots of spanking, and I guess what some would call submission 'exercises' - which is such a cold term. He will ask me to do things for him, which might be outside of my comfort zone to stretch me. These are never difficult, objectionable things which would stretch not my limits but my sensibilities. Daddy has complete respect for my sensibilities and my do-not-go-there places. The things he asks me to do more fun, playful things. They reinforce my obedience, my submission, and actually not only strengthen my submission, but my own feelings of femininity.

The only thing I have ever really questioned about my submission is if there was a place for me to be who I was in this world.

Examining Submission Journaling Exercise - Day 22

Can you feel submissive without a dominant partner? If so, how does your submission express itself? If not, how do you handle your submission or submissive feelings?

This is my personal experience - my personal disclaimer -  your mileage may vary. I personally cannot feel submissive without a Dominant partner. I am a submissive, but without an outlet I will become frustrated and sad, and probably pretty darn snarky (certainly not me - oh but yes!). I cannot submit for the sake of submitting. It has to be given to someone who understands it, who knows how to nurture it.

Daddy touches my submission. His natural dominance creates a desire in me to yield. My submission triggers his desire to lead. It's a lovely symbiosis.

I learned something

I said before that I think that this blog - besides the fact that Daddy said there wasn't a lot of resources out there for Daddies and little girl spankos who do DD and stuff....(labels....blech), was Daddy's way for me to find community and stay connected to my submission while he was gone (He's a very wise man, my Daddy).



I have the kind of brain that ruminates....read that sometimes I think way too much. Sometimes though, it takes time for me to figure out what is going on in my head. Sometimes while ruminating, talking to friends, writing here I get a broken lollipop moment. I had one in Surrender. And I apologized to Daddy for distancing, thinking I was doing something constructive, not understanding initially just how destructive I was being....but that's why I have a Daddy.

I had a minor panic attack yesterday. Somehow I had put some kind of expectation of getting mail from Daddy yesterday. When it didn't come, I crumbled. Then I thought - okay - I should probably not even think I'm ever gonna get any mail during this deployment. I won't expect anything, they said you can't depend on the mail getting there, sometimes they hold it all till the crew is stateside again - ugh. So maybe he doesn't know I'm sending five or six pages a day! Sad, sad me. Then trying to shut down the anxiety, I actually felt the wall going up. Which is surprising, it usually takes a few days till I'm aware of it - which is why I asked for Daddy's help with distancing - he feels it before I realize it.



I was talking to my good friend that I met on the Discipline and Love Forum. She managed to talk me down & then later checked up on me. And that is when I had my broken lollipop moment. Here is a snippet of the conversation:




June's friend: He's a good man. You are really good at submitting. I'm glad when Daddy's around for you to submit to bc you absorb goodness and light.

June:  I try, I'm glad you see him cause that means something gets in there.Sometimes I don't feel very good at submitting. I feel like I let him down when I get all crazy.

June's friend:  I'm glad when you submit to Daddy. Not these ideas (the magic words, folks) you have of what you should be...please don't hit me.

June: So am I, lol. Hmmmm dang ya! That's what I'm doing, isn't it? Submitting to the stupid little voice in my head & not Daddy. Fluff it!

June's friend:  It's not stupid.

June: The little voice that says he's gonna stop loving me, I mean.

June's friend: It's just fear. Have compassion on the little voice.

Okay, okay...I admit to being totally neurotic - I can hear you all feeling bad for Daddy. I felt bad for him, too. He said before he left that that little voice needs to just shut up, and he wished he had the one who programmed the little voice in front of him and that they had to answer to him. I always have the legal pad here - I really DO write him five and six page letters every day. And I wrote "DADDY! I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.I’m very sorry, Daddy. I stand convicted, corrected, and contrite. I’m learning – slowly but surely learning. And I have said I submit to no one else but you, so that little voice can just go get fluffed now – because you are the only one worthy of my submission."

Every now and then I get a moment of clarity. I'm grateful for them. I'm grateful for the friends who help me work things out. We've talked about the little voice before. Daddy says the little voice is a liar. Sometimes I think I have quieted the little voice. And just when I get to feeling confident, the little voice makes insidious comments. It's hard to make the little voice be quiet. I've heard it all my life before Daddy, all those 'I love you but"s. Daddy never says but. Daddy says I love you no matter what. And he does. Daddy says, it's okay, you're not naughty, dove, you just need me. And I do. Daddy sees me. Daddy knows me. Daddy loves me. Daddy forgives me. 


I am more vigilant about distance now because I understand that it is a disrespect to him. It is a disrespect to us. And now that I see that allowing that little voice to have so much power over me also disrespects Daddy, and disrespects us, I think I can be better equipped to dismiss it. You can do anything you want to me, you don't hurt or disrespect 'mine'. Daddy is mine. The little voice disrespects him. The little voice is toast. 



My Daddy is a very, very wise man. An ocean away and he still finds ways to teach me. I hoped to be able to not only keep in touch with my submission while Daddy was gone, but to deepen it. I think I may just succeed.

Broken lollipop moments

This is journal entry I made a few months back. I decided to post it here because it explains a post that I'm giving birth to right now.
*****************************************************
When my sister was three, my folks decided to have her ears pierced. So off to the mall they went, got her a lollipop & plopped her in the chair, where she remained oblivious to all the goings on, totally engrossed in the bright red disk.

The girl who worked the jewelry booth came over, made the preparations, positioned the gun & squeezed. And honestly, the moment was like it occurred in a vacuum, time slowed and the air was thick. The gun popped and my sister's eyes squeezed shut and her jaws clamped down, she raised her head, opened her eyes and an understanding of the world far beyond her 3 years shone in her eyes. She opened her mouth and half the lollipop fell to the floor.

So I've come to think of that energy in other areas of my life. Broken lollipop moments are when all the knowledge of the universe crystallizes to a point of uncommon understanding. In that moment when time stops and the air creates that vacuum that gem of knowing is drawn deep into your soul.

Broken lollipop moments are always astonishing, they are sometimes unpleasant, but they are also sometimes exquisitely beautiful. They are almost always life-changing, if we allow their creation and believe in their magic.

Examining Submission Journaling Exercise - Day 21

Is there a physical position that makes you feel most submissive?

There are two, it will be interesting to have Ward's view as to which position gives him a deeper sense of my submission.

One is across his lap,be it for spanking, or just because he can ask me to and have me comply willingly and he can take advantage of the position for other pursuits.

The other is in his arms, with my palms pressed flat to his chest or under his arms and my forehead pressed against his lips, his hands on my waist or hips and his breath on my hair. Absolutely heaven.

Divine Radiance (Erotica)

When we rise,
we leave the world behind,
the bonds and shackles
of a life wasted
on the real, the concrete
seem to fall 
and leave us floating
in a realm of pleasure and desire not seen.

Let's breakaway
and find that special place,
that place that we and only we share...
That place that I struggle with,
you know the one I can't get to when I'm with her...
and the one you can't get to when you are with him.

The way you claw and bite
feeds my passion
and brings me closer
and as the lash finds it's mark
you sink into the obviousness,
the nirvana that you so crave and need.

Stop, breathe,
count to three,
in our own world we rule
and the desires of heart and body
do not rule or abide...
we grow and in our passion
we stop the stresses and annoyances of modern life
and go back to the simple and ideal way things should be.

I'll be a man,
and you'll be a woman
and in this devotion
to pain and pleasure
we will find each other
and in our journey
we will find something grand,
something marvelous and absurd,
nothing short of glorious,
we will hold it in our hands
and bask in it's divine radiance
until nothing remains
but release.

Your bottom nearly glows,
and the stripes on your back
form a beautiful lattice...
the strap falls away
and gives way
to hungry questing hands and lips...

I want you...
all of you...
and though the fates have decreed
that I restrain myself,
I taste your lips
and gaze into your eyes
and in them
I find the divine radiance of love.

Ward ~ February, 2011

Examining Submission Journaling Exercise - Day 20

Has your submission increased or decreased over time? Have you ever had to renegotiate your submission due to a change in your feelings or circumstance?

I have never submitted to anyone to the degree, or with the desire to submit as I do to Daddy. My submission has definitely deepened over time. There is not a thing I would deny him. There is not an instance in which I doubt his intent. There is not an instance in which my trust has been betrayed.

Every day he proves himself honest, truthful, trustworthy, courageous, valorous and honorable. Every day my desire to yield to him blossoms.

Yielding

I was talking to a friend who is new to the DD lifestyle. And she was talking about difficulties and conditional obedience. And I responded that submission it is not a gate, opening & closing, it is a bending, a yielding, there is gentleness and grace implied. When I said it, I got this amazing image in my head.

Firstly, lets talk about the word,  I've said it before, submission conjures up negative images for lots of people. And help me out here guys, someone recently made a post about "What's wrong with the word submission?" but I can't find it to link it.

For many the word submission and the concept of D/s conjures up images like this. Words have an incredible power. Words are often misunderstood.

I have said before that I have gone beyond submission to Daddy, I have surrendered to him. I kind of like that better. But the word I am growing enamored of is yielding. I yield to Daddy. What amazingly beautiful images that conjures!  We bend without breaking. This shows the inherent strength in submission, in the act of yielding. We retain our integrity and we are stretched and made stronger.

Then I thought that most of us know a passion that is uncommon in this world. We burn for our partners. We need to see them, touch them, feel them. We need to yield to them. The dance is intricate and the rewards are... indescribable. We wrap ourselves around each other. We 'fit' like very few others. Our movements are in concert with our partner. There is an almost exquisite coordination.

Yes, we bend. Yes, we yield. Yes, we may make sacrifices that other women are not willing to make, or cannot even conceive of making. But we do not bend without support. We do not expose our vulnerability without being covered by a love so great that it makes the heart ache. We are supported. We are protected. We are valued. We are cherished. We are made beautiful. We receive a gift of grace. We experience a profound unity.

I would not trade being Ward's June, Daddy's little girl for anything in this world. 

Come home soon, Daddy. I love you big and I miss you profoundly.

Examining Submission Journaling Exercise - Day 19

How socially connected is your submission? Do you look for others to talk to about your submission for support or networking? Do you go to events or connect through another sort of social grouping either in person or online?

There is a local munch group, but it is more a BDSM group than a spanko or DD group.  That's the first place I went when I was looking for community. I tried a few online communities and they were nothing more than meat markets. I found FetLife, and found educational resources, places to learn, real communities of people with commonalities and no judgments. And some very good friends. It is more about social networking than anything else.

Then one day Daddy said he had a project for me. He asked me to explore a blog for us. (When he came home that night it was already up with the first post :)  And I kinda think he had this deployment in mind, he thought that perhaps this would be something to keep me connected to who I am and busy so I didn't miss him so much - no luck there, but the first two points work.). And I found this fine community of people, who all have slightly different expressions of our dynamics, but similar hearts.

It has become vitally important. And a very great learning resource.

Examining Submission Journaling Exercise - Day 18

Very often the stereotype of submission is that the submissive person loses the ability to have an opinion. While that clearly isn’t true except in the absolute rarest of occasions, how does communication factor into your submission and how do you communicate your desires and needs?

Communication is the foundation - at the very heart of TTWD. How can you lead me if you do not know my thoughts, feelings, fears, desires and needs? How can I follow if I do not understand your vision for our relationship?

Daddy makes decisions that will forward our growth as a couple, not solely because they further only his agenda - he has no agenda. He can't do that if he does not know how I feel. Shortly before he deployed we had a conversation about an impending issue.I felt strongly about it. But I just told Daddy what I would like. It came up again later. He asked me what I felt. I said I had already given him my opinion, and I was afraid that if I kept bringing it up it would be like I was trying to manipulate him with my anxiety. He assured me that no, it was not, especially because I was so concerned about not doing it. And that yes, he knew what I thought, but he wanted to understand how I felt so that he could make the best decision.

Funnily enough, my opinion is more valued in this relationship than at any time in my life. My thoughts and feelings are taken into consideration, and how things will affect me is carefully considered. There are no decisions made that benefit solely one partner. Every decision is carefully considered to bring the maximum growth and deepening to our bond.

Examining Submission Journaling Exercise - Day 17

What does trust mean to you in the context of submission?

The short answer? Everything.

If I did not trust to a certain extent, I could never submit at all. If I did not trust him with my heart and soul. he would not know that most vulnerable part of me, not only physically, but mentally. That part of me observed him for a while, judged him worthy, stuck a toe out, jerked in back in and waited for the strike. And none came. He was kind, tender, sweet, and enchanted. He saw her, no matter how fast she retreated. and he smiled, big and warm and held out his hand.

If he was not trustworthy we could not have come as far as we have come. If he was not trustworthy I could not have laid myself bare before him. I could not have showed him all the broken, damaged pieces of me. I could not have revealed my desires, and my needs for fear of being not 'kinky' enough. He assured me that my needs and desires were quite compatible with his, that I wasn't weird because I didn't need all the harder things. He took all the broken pieces, held them in his hand, polished them, breathed life into them, and reassembled them. He ignored the gaps and the weak spots, and he loved me - loves me in all my perfect imperfection.

Examining Submission Journaling Exercise - Day 16

Have you found your submission has changed with different partners/relationships? If you’re involved with partners of both sexes, does your submission relate or change based on gender or does it depend on the person?

When I first started exploring, I started exploring in the BDSM community, I played with two Dominant sadists. I thought I would not find what I wanted anywhere else. I disliked the arbitrary elements that seemed exist.It satisfied my need for sensation to a certain extent, but there was definitely something missing. I was approached by Domme's, but there is nothing about a female dominant that calls to my submission. And in fact I find them to be a bit on the cruel side.

The thing that disturbed me was that I seemed to dissociate which is what I did all my life growing up. Just go somewhere away from what is going on. But I wanted to be connected. I wanted my submission accepted and treasured. And that was just not happening. And there were many things I refused because that trust was no there, and my submission was not treasured, but only a gratification of a need, the scratching of an itch. Even with my low self-esteem, I knew I was worth more, deserved more than that.

Then I met Daddy. We talked, we're really both just spankos. We both craved a deeper connection. It was a delicate, cautious dance on both of our parts. I know that I was enchanted, and I know from talking about it now, that he was enchanted as well. I never thought someone as wonderful as him could ever be interested in someone like me. One day he said something so exquisitely beautiful, and I said, "At the risk of ruining a beautiful friendship, I have to tell you that I think I could very easily love you." There was a pause, and he said, "And I could very easily love you." And my heart caught in my throat.

And so we moved on, and talked more, and fell harder and deeper, and there is nothing I would deny him. My submission is a gift that he thanks me for every single day. He says I make him feel like more of a man, and he wants to be the best man he can be for me. And I tell him how much I love and appreciate him and his leadership and that I did nothing, he came as a very good man. And the more we dance this dance the more I would give him, the very breath from my lungs, and the beating of my heart.

Examining Submission Journaling Exercise - Day 15

Has your submission evolved over time? If so, how has it evolved for you and if not (or if you are just starting out) how might you see or imagine it evolving in the future?

We went from just D/s to the level of trust that allowed him to become Daddy, my absolute authority. I know I've said it before, we're not age-play. And that is hard to explain. For us it is an outward expression of the absolute devotion, care, respect,and trust that exists between us. It lets us interact at times on a more innocent, playful, magical level, seeing wonder in glitter, and rainstorms, and leaves and snowball fights. There are no bottles, diapers, frilly dresses, or pacifiers. There is no sexually intimate activity when we are in that space. There are lots of hugs, cuddles, squeezes, kisses and - YUM - forehead  kisses - sigh.

Then more or less as an extension of that trust it evolved from simple submission to total surrender. I trust him with my life, my mind, my heart, my body and soul. There is not a single thing I would refuse, because he fills me and lifts me up. He sees me as good, and he makes it so that I can begin to see myself in the same way.

I don't know how it could change. I perceive it as complete. I can see it becoming richer. I can see our connection deepening.

Examining Submission Journaling Exercise - Day 14

Does religion have any bearing on your decision to submit? If not, are you familiar with religious based submission and do you view it as similar to other types of submission or dissimilar?

 Religion is not the basis for my submission. I was always put off by the concept of religious submission because the only example I had was contact with members a fundamental religious group. The men I knew were arrogant and domineering. My viewpoint was incredibly slanted because of this experience.

My submission is inherent, it is just my nature, I am service oriented, and defer. However with Daddy, I am completely surrendered. There is an incredibly high level of trust and respect. I want to give him everything. I need to give him everything. I pour myself out on him and he fills me back up.

I've been reading books on submission, because I am an avid researcher, I love to learn, especially when the subject is important to me. There's not many factual books on submission, mostly erotica, but I did find a few. And a couple of those are based on biblical submission. And that model seems to fit Daddy & I very well. It is pretty well how we work, throw in the DD component, and the Daddy/little girl dynamic. That pretty well surprised me, how similar we were to that model.